Escape from The Palace - Book II
by M.F.K.Fisher
Summary: Go Ha Jin wakes up in 2016 and finds life harder here than in Goryeo
1. Back to the Future

The hissing sound of the humidifier was the first thing that Ha Jin heard when she woke up in a hospital room. Her nurse, Na Ri, dropped the clipboard she was holding when she saw that Ha Jin's eyes were open and blinking.

"Otoke! She's conscious! Someone call the doctor!"

There was a flurry of activities as medical professionals poked her, checked her vitals, read her test results, checked every limb for function. Ha Jin's lips were dry and cracked from the months she spent in the hospital. She was back, but it was more painful than ever to be alive.

"Wang So." She managed to get out.

"Oh, is that your boyfriend?" The nurse replied. "I've already called for your mother. She'll be here in an hour! Stay here, I'll be right back."

"No. He's...he's." Ha Jin looked around the hospital room. A flat screen TV was mounted in the corner, running the results of the recent presidential election. Her EKG monitor beeped rapidly. Ha Jin took a deep breath and took in the hospital air, half bleach and half antibiotic. Everything was sterile. This was the new world.

Where was her baby? Ha Jin realized that no one would have any idea what she was talking about. Ha Jin felt her chest sag and the tears from another lifetime behind her eyes. She wouldn't cry because she knew that she would never see him again. It was just like her death from before. This one she would have to live through. Her vision was blurred and she tried to take a deep breath. Her lungs weren't cooperating. The more she tried to breath, the harder it was. Her chest convulsed and her heart beat faster than ever. When her EKG monitor beeped wildly, her nurse ran back into the room to see Ha Jin, white as a sheet, sweating buckets, and almost choking on her own breath.

"She's having a panic attack!" One of the interns cried out right behind the nurse.

"Ha Jin!" The nurse gripped her hands and smoothed down Ha Jin's hair. It didn't matter. Ha Jin couldn't talk. She was in mental shock from being thrown one thousand years in the future. Her brain was drowning in all the new sensations of the twenty-first century. Fire swept through her temporal lobes, like her memories from Goryeo were burning themselves into each synaptic bridge. Her brain was on fire. The process of soul transfer was very painful, Hae Su thought as the she struggled. No one bothered to write a time-travel pamphlet that covered heartache and devastating losses of ancient loved ones.

"We gotta get her stable. She just came out of a coma! Give her a sedative!"

Ha Jin's eyes fluttered closed when she felt the prick of the needle on her right arm.

When she woke up again, she saw her mother at the foot of her bed. Ha Jin smiled weakly at her.

"Oh my child." Her mother, Joon Young, burst into tears and hugged her lost daughter as tightly as she could. She cried out her daughter's name over and over again. "Ha Jin! Ha Jin, it's Oma."

Ha Jin eyes travelled over her mother's face. The familiar cheekbones, the kind eyes, the screwy perm. It was real.

Joon Young stroked her daughter's cheeks. "The doctors said your brain was active, but you were unresponsive to all of us. We didn't know how long we would have to wait for you. I was so worried that you would never wake up."

"Oma." Ha Jin cried into her mother's arms. Those long years in Goryeo were so painful. Especially because Ha Jin kept losing women that were like mothers to her. Now that her real Mom was in front of her, Ha Jin let out the grief suffered in a lifetime over a thousand years. She cried for Myung Hee. She cried for Lady Oh. The women who sacrificed themselves so that she could live and love. Her eyes were red and puffy, but seeing the face of her real mother felt like a moment with god. She squeeze her mother as tight as she could, reveling in the realness of her family. She was back.

The doctors discharged Ha Jin after another week of observation. They told her that her coma was unusual, lasting an entire year, but not completely unheard of. Sometimes, unresponsive patients in comas were just letting their brains heal. Comas were still mysterious things. She was told that the little boy she dove into the lake for was safe. He was one year older because he was lucky enough to be rescued by her.

"Do any of your patients have new memories formed during the coma?" Ha Jin didn't know if they would put her into a psyche ward for her question so she phrased it casually.

"Miss Go," the handsome young neurologist pursed his lips, "the brain is a funny thing. It's the organ through which we perceive everything. So if memories are created during a coma, it's a combination of external stimuli triggering a complex synaptic reaction. Sometimes, that forms a new memory."

"My body was here the entire time." Ha Jin explained, almost to herself.

"Yes, your body was here." He grinned at her. "You were my favorite patient."

"Oh."

"Yes, even in your coma, you looked like you were happy."

"Really." Ha Jin grimaced. "Thank you for your time."

Ha Jin looked up at her mother and nodded. Her mother pushed her wheelchair and they went out into the world. Ha Jin felt herself immediately shrink back as her wheelchair sped past the glass doors.

Everything was so fast and bright. Ha Jin winced at the bright whiteness of the outside world. There were no gentle palace grounds or Lake Dongji, no beautiful mountains to escape to picnic, no garden where she could accidentally drench a napping prince. In Seoul, there was only miles and miles of concrete and traffic. The sounds of the city filled her ears and she felt like she was being buried in noise; the rush of cars, the beeping of horns, loud people talking on their cell phones, the blast of music from other cars, the ever present constructions noises of Seoul. Was the world always this loud? Ha Jin cringed. This was her world, but she had spent nearly a decade away. She felt like a tourist now, looking at the the mad rush of people, cars, planes-their lives in an uninterrupted stream that would only bump into each other if one person realized that another person was in their way.

She felt torn. She said to Jung that she would forget it all, but here she was, each memory as intact as the day she made them.

At the curbside pick up, Ha Jin waited for her mom to pull around their small family sedan. Before her mother left for the car, she place the small glass brick in Ha Jin's hand. It was her phone. Ha Jin stared at the phone, not quite knowing what to do. She pressed the home button with her fingers and realized that she had forgotten her passcode. She never needed a passcode in Goryeo. She stared at the phone for a solid minute before realizing that her code was her mother's birthday.

Her mother's yellow Kia pulled into view and her mother stepped out quickly to help Ha Jin into the passenger seat. Ha Jin sighed when she sat down. Her body in this life was not as damaged as Hae Su's body. How delicate her other body had been at the end of her life. In Seoul, Ha Jin always used to joke that she would not survive without her cell phone. But she had. She had lived almost ten years in a country that was hers, but 1,000 years earlier. She had not thrived in Goryeo. But she had loved. And lost bitterly.

At the end of her life in Goryeo, Hae Su had many regrets. It wasn't all horrible. The life of a person was never all good or all bad. After she left the palace, Hae Su kept herself alive with her memories. She ached to see his face. She longed to see his handwriting. To hear his clear low voice calling for her. She missed touching his hand, holding him when he had nightmares. She wished for the Wang So she fell in love with everyday she spent with Jung. There were traces of the fourth prince left in Gwangjong, but so little of it was there. Hae Su could only see glimmers of it, shining back at her, at moments alone with him in the palace.

She left Gwangjong because she still loved Wang So.

The last time she made love with the king, she felt only sadness. Things went from bad to worse in a matter of months. The first month when she missed her period, Hae Su felt nauseous and ill, a different kind of feelings than her usual heart palpitations and weak knees. She thought that she might be pregnant and she was terrified. The thought that she might be pregnant, but that the Queen, Yeon Hwa was not, sent her into night terrors. Yeon Hwa was such a clear and present danger that Hae Su began to send out her maids to monitor the queen so she could avoid running into her anywhere in the palace. She didn't know what she would do if Yeon Hwa found out about her pregnancy. Hae Su remembered a vague rumor about Lady Oh's tragedy. Lady Oh was true love of Wang So's father, King Taejo. When she conceived his baby, Queen Yoo became jealous and sent her poison tea under Queen Hwangbo's assistant, thus framing Hwangbo for the miscarriage that Lady Oh never recovered from. Yeon Hwa's family suffered from the fallout of that framed miscarriage. Hae Su knew that Yeon Hwa would not hesitate to revisit the same fate on her. Clutching her stomach, Hae Su knew that above all, she would protect the baby.

The complexities of palace machinations always made Hae Su feel like she was on an alien planet. How could people be so cruel to each other. How can they look at a living breathing human as an obstacle to be conquered. Hae Su knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that that's all she was to Yeon Hwa. She was a movable chess piece, ready to be knocked off the board as soon as Gwangjong made one mistake. Hae Su couldn't afford any room for error. This was their baby she was thinking about. And it wasn't just Yeon Hwa Hae Su was worried about. The ninth prince was always strangely distant with her, never warming to Hae Su's friendly remarks. There were Gwangjong's advisors, many of whom who saw her as his only weakness. She had enemies everywhere. Baek Ah couldn't be there all the time. She hadn't spoken to Wook in years. Jung was in exile. Hae Su was alone, truly alone. She could be attacked at anytime. In her breakfast, during her walks around Lake Dongji, while she was in bed with Gwangjong. There wasn't any where especially safe in the palace if someone had put their mind to harm.

Hae Su knew that royal babies were vulnerable. Incredibly so because she did not have an official position at court and because she had no powerful clan support. Hae Su winced when she thought about the conversation that Gwangjong had with her only a few days after she knew she was pregnant. He promised to make her a royal concubine and that when she conceived a child that she would automatically become second Queen. She swallowed hard and pushed down her nausea so that he wouldn't notice that she was reeling. She knew what he was doing. He was cementing her position in the place, but he may as well have set her feet in wet cement and thrown her in a cage with her worst enemy, Yeon Hwa. Hae Su knew how much he wanted their child. He had begged her for it. But she couldn't tell him.

She once told Wang So that when she was at the palace, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Now it was more true than ever. And at the end, she could not tell him. If he had known that she had his child, the King's decree would come down like a stone gate and she would be trapped. She left because she had to save her daughter, it was the one thing left she had of Wang So that was beautiful and untainted.

Her anxiety attacks increased everyday. Hae Su would wake up in the middle of the night, afraid to look onto the sheets to see a patch of red which meant that she would have lost their baby. Every night it didn't happen, Hae Su prayed during the day at her rocks. But with her deteriorating health, there was no way she would be able to carry this baby to term if she were next to all the dangers of the palace. She would protect her baby by throwing away Gwangjong. Hae Su knew all of a sudden that she had to leave. If she had to break the king's heart to do it, she would.

It took three tries. Three heart breaking tries before Gwangjong finally walked away. Hae Su watched the father of her child walk away, dejected and angry that he thought she still had Wook in her heart. Of course, she made Wook tell Gwangjong about their terminal engagement from years ago. Hae Su knew that would be the thing that could break them. She had never told Wang So about her affair with Wook because it was an affair that began when she was a teenager and ended when Wook threw her away. Gwangjong didn't know. Maybe he would forgive her eventually, maybe he wouldn't. Hae Su counted on her Gwangjong's confusion; the painful accusations that she never loved him, the altogether contrast of why she said yes to Wook but never to him, were they any normal couple, it would have been a fight. But there was too much at stake and Hae Su was stabbing his heart to free herself.

Sometimes, Hae Su thought about how cruel it was that she chose Jung to marry and not Wang So, knowing their long bitter fraternal rivalry. And then equally, how cruel it was to Jung that she would never love him the same way she loved Wang So.

Jung's hometown of Chungju was far. Almost two day's ride from the capital in Songak. The most malicious thing about Chungju was an especially large duck population in the fall. Hae Su remembered feeling peace when she finally got to Jung's house.

Hae Su missed him everyday, but she knew she could survive until the next day. Until she couldn't anymore. Being away from Wang So made his spectre her closest companion. She had a personal Wang So, much like the one she kept with her when he was exiled to Later Jin. Of course, her personal So wasn't as good as the real thing. Still, she thought it was better to love him from afar than it would be in his regime up close and personal. She had already tried that fate. It was not for her. Now that she was free from the cruelty of the palace, she spent every waking moment with the Wang So she loved. She saw him as clearly as if he was there.

Toward the end of her time in the palace, she barely saw the king. He was forever in meetings, dealing with governors, with complaints, with clan leaders, with the huge problems of a young country. Gwangjong tried to spend every night with her, but more often than not, she was alone in her room. A pretty little cage as Yeon Hwa referred to it.

Hae Su thanked her body for surviving everyday when she woke up in Jung's house. But the long hours stretching forward, marching on, without Wang So. It was lonely. Sometimes she truly wanted to give up. Some days, a beatific smile from Jung could be enough get her through a few more days.

"Unni." Jung pressed a piece of pork into her rice. Even after a month of marriage, Jung still called her sister. "Try eating this. The cook tried a new recipe."

Hae Su smiled back at him and tried to choke down the food. She hadn't tasted food in weeks but tried to eat for the sake of the baby.

"Jung." Hae Su took a sip of tea and looked at his happy face. "You should take a concubine."

"What? But you always said you hated polygamy."

Hae Su fell silent.

"Is it because I'm not So?" Jung was wounded. He could read between the lines with Hae Su. She wanted him to take a second wife because she did not love him in the same way she loved his older brother. She smiled at him.

"God knows I'm no first wife." Hae Su reached out and grabbed his hand. "I am grateful for all you have done for me. But you are a man. A young man. And I know that you have needs. It is unfair for you to wait by my side when there's hardly a person left to wait for."

"Don't say that." Jung dropped his chopsticks. "What about the traveling after your pregnancy? We will go to Gobi desert. There are people who've travelled the silk road that tell tales of sand storms and horses that store water in their backs! Don't your daughter to see it all?"

"Yes. You should." Hae Su's eyes still twinkled at him. "I will wait for you."

"No. I'm not leaving you behind. Not like what my brother did. You're not one of my women. You're the only one."

"Jung-ah." Hae Su sighed. Sometimes she felt like her one wish was for Jung to understand Wang So and it was so hard. She cursed Queen Yoo from time to time, for warping her sons so badly that they couldn't even understand each other when they were from the same family. They shared so many things in common. They both loved fiercely, without holding back. But while Jung had the luxury and reassurance of parental love, Wang So never did. So's love for her became obsessive and suffocating whereas Jung's love for her was sweet and yielding. Hae Su regretted that she did not love Jung. Not in the eternally damned way she loved Wang So. The fourth prince had carved himself into her. They were like two trees intertwined, their shape forever twisted and gnarled by their past together.

She had memories. So many memories she made with the fourth prince. It was rich enough to enjoy for days when she would stare out at the lake near Jung's house. Sometimes, she would just fall into a meditative silence for hours and no one would be able to reach her. When she lost her appetite, she knew that she had no more will for living. Not even for the baby.

The car sped pass a huge Lotte duty free sign. Ha Jin looked at the garish letters. Was anything in Goryeo so ugly? Ha Jin clutched her belly in her mother's car. She had baby with Wang So. The awful emptiness in her chest, that was the love she had for her baby. She wondered if it would be forever. If her life was real in Goryeo, then her baby died a thousand years ago. The ache of being separated from her child made her feel insane. How would she ever be able to explain this state to anyone. No one would be able to understand. She remembered her baby's face, the sweet little girl who looked like both of them, with perfect fingernails and black hair.

She regretted leaving the palace. No she didn't.

It was impossible, improbable, to regret a destiny that was written in the stars and she was just a mover in game of thrones for Wang So. Once her purpose was done, she helped him ascend to the throne, she was suppose to be knocked off the board. She couldn't stand the palace. So many people died within its red walls. Since Wang So wouldn't do it for her, she had to do it herself.

She knew that she would never feel right about the way she treated Jung. He was such a lovely boy who wanted nothing more than to see her happy. She granted him his wish of marrying her, but he married a shell of Ha Jin and Hae Su. Jung loved her without wanting too much out of her and that's all Hae Su had to give at the end of her life. She felt lucky. At the end, someone who loved her held her as she died.

"What are you thinking about?" Ha Jin's mother asked.

"Nothing." She replied and tapped the cool glass on her window.

The family sedan pulled into the familiar brick house atop of a hill side in a middle-classed area of Seoul. Ha Jin wondered why she had been picked of all people to go back in time to find Wang So. After all, she was so ordinary, so trusting, so gullible. Ha Jin hoped that she would live long enough to truly love Wang So, but she wasn't cut out for Goryeo. Medieval bloodshed, brother against brothers, lovers killing lovers: life was nasty, brutish and short. Ha Jin shuddered. She was back in her time now, everything should feel right. Things could make sense again. She could live her life again.

Her mother turned to look at Ha Jin, barely able to believe that her daughter was once again among the living.

"Ha Jin." Her mother spoke softly. She noticed that Ha Jin wasn't as bubbly as she used to be. Her entire demeanor seemed to have changed. The year in the coma hadn't aged Ha Jin physically, but she seemed weary mentally.

When the family gathered around the table for dinner. Ha Jin's eight-year old brother, Nan Gil, sat next to her, curiously staring at Ha Jin.

"Unni." Ha Jin turned to Nan Gil and expected to see Eun or Jung, but it was Nan Gil.

"Yes?" She reached over and pinched his cheeks and Nan Gil started laughing hard, the joyful crinkly-eyed laugh of children. Ha Jin remembered that Nan Gil was a solemn little boy, except around her. He looked the way that her baby girl used to smile.

"Why are you crying?" Nan Gil asked her.

"Oh." Ha Jin wiped away her tears and tried to grin at her baby brother and mother. "I'm just so happy to see your face again." She leaned over and kissed Nan Gil on the head.

"Oma." She turned to her mother, whose eyes were filled with worry. "I just think I need to lie down for a little bit."

"But you haven't eaten anything." Her mother pushed the plate of spicy octopus towards Ha Jin, her favorite.

"Aish, let her sleep." Ha Jin's father nudged her Joon Young. "Ha-Jin-ah, my dear. Go upstairs and sleep. We're going to have a big celebration soon, okay?"

As she went up the stairs, Ha Jin could feel the eyes of her entire family, worrying. She didn't want to scare them, truly. But as she laid in her bedroom, the room was unchanged except for new sheets, she stared at the ceiling, willing herself to go back to sleep. How do you explain to your family that while you were in your coma, you went back in time to ancient Goryeo, fell in love with a prince, started a family, and then died tragically waiting for that same prince who was now a king. Ha Jin tried to stop crying, but the tears wouldn't. The last thing she remembered was the song Jung hired musicians from Songak to sing to her. It was, as the singers explained, the song that made the King fall in love with a court lady.

He hadn't come.

Ha Jin felt broken. Maybe that's why it was so hard in this life. To know that Wang So never forgave her for leaving. She tried to send letters. Jung sent messengers. Clutching her old comforter, Ha Jin tried to burrow into the darkness.

"I'll never let you go."

His low voice was in her head as clearly as the day he said them.

I had to let you go, Ha Jin thought.

That night she dreamed of the ocean, the lake, Wang So and her walking around with the little girl she named, Byeol, or star.

Ha Jin woke up the next day, her eyes puffy like she hadn't slept in months. She rubbed her right leg, expecting the morning stiffness to creep up, but it wasn't there. She had ghost sensations from her former body, but that's all she lived with now, ghosts.

"Oma," Ha Jin stirred her porridge and looked at her mother busying herself in their bright yellow kitchen. "I want to go back to work."

"Ha Jin, it's too early for you to go back to work. You just got out of the hospital." Joon Young was worried about the dark circles under Ha Jin's eyes. Sometimes she spoke using ancient words and she worried that her daughter suffered more brain damage in the coma than the tests showed.

"It's been two months, and I'm going insane in the house." Ha Jin took a sip of coffee. At least that tasted good. Especially since she hadn't had it for more than ten years. She had been slowly trying to get use the world again, but it was proving to be difficult. Much harder than she thought. Almost everything in the the modern world gave her slight shock. This was her world, so why didn't she feel like it was? Why did plastic feel so terrible? Why did vegetables taste different? Korea smelled different too. Why were the skies not the same kind of cerulean that she remembered from Goryeo? She cringed when she saw new buildings being constructed, tearing into the earth, ripping up trees in favor of another new glass and concrete monster.

Funny, she never had these feelings before. The only place Ha Jin liked to go was a Dongmyo park, where there was a temple built in the classical Chinese style that she found to be comforting. It reminded her of Wook's home. The graceful sloping roofs and carved pillars reminded her of a home where she used to have long talks with Wang So.

"We're having your homecoming party next week. Can you wait until after then? We wanted to wait until you were strong enough to see people." Her mother walked over to her and stroke Ha Jin's hair.

Ha Jin nodded.

"How about you go buy yourself a pretty dress? You haven't left house in a while. And stop reading all those books about ancient Goryeo. Do you want to be depressed? That was some of the most bloody times in our country's history."

It was true. Ha Jin was depressed. It was even more difficult to explain the depression to anyone that wouldn't understand the emotional toll of time travel. It wasn't like Ha Jin got a metrocard and jumped into the past. She was still reconciling the loss of so many people. She missed her baby, Jung, Baek Ah. She never got to say goodbye to Wang So, maybe that's why she felt like she had unfinished business with the past.

Living in the present, she felt the death of all of her people. She was searching for her people in all those books. In a way, because she had lived through the time, the books were so strangely deficient. She was left to piece together decades of information. After, history was not lived by people, but by huge event shifts. Time rolled on. Whether someone was happy or not, whether someone suffered or not, history did not pay attention. History only knew achievements, laws passed, changes in regime, changes in fate. She felt like she was looking at a painting faintly outlined with figures, with gigantic holes, trying to piece together an entire story. Where were the long passages about Gwangjong's health? Was he happy? Did he sleep well every night. No one writes the personal histories that she needed to know. If only she could ask him.

"Take my credit card. Hum?" Her mother pressed the plastic into her palm.

Ha Jin nodded and put down the definitive text on Goryeo pottery from professor at the University of Seoul. She stack the tome on top of the five other books she was reading: Goryeo Household Income Taxes, Goryeo Kings and Successors, Gwangjong's Legacy. Ha Jin grabbed a coat and shuffled out the door into the bright winter morning.

In the middle of the Gangnam district, Ha Jin clutched a shopping bag from Lucky Chouette and rocked back and forth, waiting at the intersection filled to the brim with cars. She should have brought her headphones, the city was so incredible dense and loud. The overlapping conversations drove her nuts. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she tried to zone out. When she finally succeeded, she opened her eyes again and started walking. But Ha Jin forgot that she had to wait for the little standing man to turn into the walking man. A blindingly white taxi skidded to stop directly in front of her, only a fraction of second away from hitting her. The taxi driver blasted her with his horn and Ha Jin felt herself being yanked back by a man's arms. As he yanked her out the way, Ha Jin looked up and knew she recognized him.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Remembrance of Things Past

**author note - would love some reviews and comments! If you haven't seen coffee prince, look it up right now. Gong Yoo is a force of nature. Gong Yoo is Han Kyul

CHAPTER 2 - REMEMBERANCE OF THINGS PAST

Ha Jin felt herself being yanked back from the traffic intersection. A man's arms wrapped around her waist and scooped her back to the curb. She lost her breath for a moment. It couldn't be.

Glancing up, she recognized the man, but it was a vague recollection. He was tall, broad shouldered. His eyes were expressive and concerned. He was familiar but she did not know him. She spluttered at the contact.

"Go Ha Jin!" The man was saying to her. She shook herself off and pushed against him.

"How do you know my name?" She straighten up, gripping her bag to her chest, and he removed his arm and bowed slightly.

"Go Ha Jin," he half-smiled at her, "you were my patient for a year at Choi General Hospital. Are you alright? You walked almost straight into traffic."

"Thank you." She tilted her head and tried to remember if it was the same doctor who discharged her. "You are...?"

"Choi Han-Kyul." He extended his hand and shook hers. "It's good to see you out and about. I'm guessing the recovery is going well?"

"Yeh." Ha Jin nodded. She wanted to go home. She didn't really want to talk about coma with anyone.

"I've been meaning to reach out to you."

Ha Jin finally made eye contact with him. She noticed that a few of the passing women were looking at her enviously. She supposed that Choi Han-Kyul was handsome and tall, but Ha Jin wasn't really into handsome men, always too much trouble than they were worth.

"Since we discharged you, I've been reviewing your brain wave activities during your coma and it's one of the most interesting cases I've ever seen." His gaze was warm, but intense. Ha Jin felt a little scrutinized and shift her weight around.

"Would you have a coffee with me?" Han Kyul was asking.

"I-I-don't think I can." Ha Jin stammered. She couldn't quite explain her past memories to anyone who would understand and not put her in the looney bin. Suddenly, she grew afraid. What if this doctor started asking her too many questions? How would she able to stay abreast of the lie and not talk about ancient Goryeo. She was not a skilled liar and Han Kyul looked like a worthy advesary.

"I just want to put this whole thing behind me. I'm sure you understand Dr. Choi." Ha Jin bowed and started speed walking away.

She heard him say her name one more time in confusion. That was fine. Her behavior would be confusing to anyone. After all, he was just a doctor checking up on his patient and she treated him like he was a loan shark after her money.

Ha Jin arrived back at home, showed her mother the new dress she bought, and immediately sat down in the living room to start reading Gwangjong's Legacy Parts I - Part IV again. She just got to the part where Gwangjong's son and wife revolted against him. That Yeon Hwa, Ha JIn thought. She would never stop. She supposed that was something admirable about Yeon Hwa was that she knew what she wanted and she would never stop until she got it. Ha Jin tried to read about Jung's family line, but there was no mention of a daughter. Only sons. She felt coldness in her chest, would there ever be anyway to know what happened to be Byoel? A few tears dropped onto the page and blurred the characters and Ha Jin sighed in exhaustion. She should really stop reading so much, it wasn't helping her at all.

Her mother bid her goodnight and Ha Jin kept reading until her eyes were heavy. When she finally trudged up to her bedroom, it was nearly three o'clock in the morning.

That night, Ha Jin finally fell into a dreamless sleep. When she woke up the next morning, the world felt a little less strange. She wondered if she finally started adapting. Maybe her brain was finally reconciled with all the Goryeo stuff now. She hoped so, or the sadness of losing her true love and her baby would never lift, and she would be incarcerated in her grief forever. Ha Jin wondered if it was the price she paid for leaving him.

One week later, Ha Jin stood in the middle of a beautiful french restaurant named July in Banpogdong. So much activity was happening around her. Her mother had bought a cake, her father was ushering the entire group of family and friends into the private room where the party was taking place. Nan Gil was pocketing a fortune in Pokemons as he bounced from table to table.

July was a beautiful restaurant, full of warm wood and streamlined tables. Even the wait staff was beautiful. Her mother told her breathlessly that the restaurant was known for it's seasonal menu but that the crispy duck breast was renowned. The chef, Oh Se-deuk, was even a famous television chef. Ha Jin nodded and tried to remember that before her coma, she was a foodie who loved going restaurants and telling her mother about the details of the meal.

In truth, Ha Jin felt like she was among strangers. She would have to get to know everyone all over again. With all that happened in Goryeo, her previous life felt like an old VHS tape she watched in her mind. Her life before Goryeo didn't feel real. When she watched that memory tape in her mind, she could connect people faces to their names, but she couldn't find the emotional glue that bound her, only vague feelings. Only her immediate family stirred something deeper, but friends and coworkers didn't strike the same recognition or affection in her anymore. She felt so untethered to this time. Could everyone see the coldness in her?

Everyone was there, her friends from the ISOI makeup counter, college friends, aunties and uncles were everywhere. Ha Jin had to take a deep breath, it was going to be truly unnerving trying to make a speech in front of everyone when she felt like she was looking into a room of strangers.

"Ha Jin," Her mother squeezed her shoulders. "This is such a beautiful party. Everyone came to see you, everyone is so glad that you're out of your coma."

I'm not. Ha Jin thought to herself. Sometimes, she wondered if she knocked herself into another coma if she would be alive back in Goryeo again.

"Yeh, Oma." She smiled at her mom. Her mother had done so much for this party. Calling in almost every relative in the city and tracking down all of her close school friends.

She had a glass of wine in her hand and she took a nervous sip from time to time. One uncle greeted her so warmly while she was drinking that she nearly chipped a tooth on the glass. Her entire family was there, waiting, expectant. She scanned the room, everyone smiled at her, encouraging her to make the speech that would reassure the rightness of the universe, that Ha Jin survived a terrible ordeal but things were back in place now. Everything returned. Everything in its rightful place. Ha Jin wrote and rewrote the speech numerous times, but nothing felt right.

"Everyone!" Yoon Young, Ha Jin's mother called out. "Thank you so much for coming to our welcome home dinner for Ha Jin!" Her mother yanked her into the center of room and everyone turned to look at them. Ha Jin tried to smile at all these familiar yet strange faces.

"Ha Jin was in a coma for an entire year after she tried to save a little boy in from drowning." Her mother held her hand tightly. "We are so grateful to have her returned to us. The Go family couldn't have done it without all of your support and love. There were so many times that I was so sad and one of you brought me food, or helped me drive to the hospital. This party is to celebrate family and love. We love you all so much. Ha Jin loves you all."

"Oh, Dr. Choi is here too!" Her mother waved excitedly at Dr. Choi's broad from from the back of the restaurant. "Please come to the front. Please!"

Ha Jin watched the doctor take a slight bow and sit back down. Han Kyul shook it off, a little embarrassed by all the attention. He looked warmer than when she first met him at the hospital, wearing a thick fisherman's sweater and simple jeans. His hair was a little rakish from being a winter beanie. He looked younger than Ha Jin remembered.

"Dr. Choi was Ha Jin's neurologist attending during her coma. Thank you to Dr. Choi for watching over our daughter. He visited her everyday during his rotation and was the most reassuring doctor I have ever met. Thank you for saving our daughter." Yoon Young bowed deeply to Dr. Choi and everyone in the room erupted in clapping.

Ha Jin blinked in surprise. She had no idea that Han Kyul saw her everyday in the hospital. Her mother nudged her subtly and whispered, "He looks like the actor from Coffee Prince, doesn't he?"

"Now, Ha Jin would like to say a few words."

Ha Jin felt her mouth go dry at the prompt from her mother. She glanced down at the prepared speech in her hands, the little three by five notecards cutting a groove into her tightly gripped hand. She looked at everyone and suddenly, she couldn't see their faces.

"Ha Jin?" Her mom was concerned.

"I too am very grateful for everyone here." Ha Jin finally managed to get out. She set her notecards down on the table next to her. "I feel loved that all of my friends and family are here and I feel loved that you were so helpful to my family. I am truly lucky. I am not very good at writing, so I thought I would tell you a poem I learned a long time ago." She took a deep breath and started reciting the poem Wang So gave her so many years ago. The words were written behind her eyes, she knew them so well. She carried his words, the poet's words, with her everywhere she went. Even now, as they were separated by thousands of years, Ha Jin felt like speaking his words made him real. Alive. She could imagine that he was just standing a few feet away. That's how feelings were, irrational.

In the middle of my life

I was fond of the Buddhist Way;

中歲

頗好道

now my life is late and I'm at home,

along the Southern Mountain.

晚家

南山陲

Desiring this

lovely, solitary life,

興來

美獨往

superb of scenery—life's affairs

now gone from awareness.

勝事

空自知

Walking until

the water's edge,

行到

水窮處

I sit and watch

as clouds rise up and appear.

坐看

雲起時

By chance, I happen

upon an aged forest man;

偶然

值林叟

we talk and laugh,

not returning—for we have time.

When she finished, she felt tears at the corners of her eyes and she blinked them back hard. Everyone looked a little puzzled. Ha Jin was not a girl particularly well versed in literature, but this poem was so beautiful about poignant loss and waiting for hope. This was an entirely different side of Ha Jin.

"I've read that comas can often change personalities, is that true?" One of Han Kyul's table mates leaned over conspiratorially.

"Sometimes." Han Kyul looked skeptically at the man sitting at the table. He noticed that he was ducking out of view of the most everyone who was in the room.

"That's not Go Ha Jin." The man said decisively.

"Do you know her?" The doctor was curious.

"I was the bastard ex boyfriend who broke her heart." Cha Young Bin was overwhelmed with guilt. He had only come because he wanted to make sure that Go Ha Jin was alive and to apologize to her in some way. Her so-called best friend quickly left him when the relationship turned sour after a few months. It made him realize that he had been had, he played himself when he abandoned Go Ha Jin and he was careless to a precious girl who really loved him. However, this girl with the soulful sad eyes and ancient poetry was not the girlfriend he had last year.

"How different is she?" Han Kyul's eyebrows shot up. He knew cases like this. He had seen many different outcomes of a coma. Ha Jin's was particularly interesting because she had a moment of near brain death, but that her function came back online, like a switch had turned on. Han Kyul had never seen anything like in all his years as a doctor.

"She was a make-up counter girl." Cha Young Bin, "that's not an insult, but she was charming, sweet, and bubbly. She loved her friends, but she wasn't good at school. I mean, that's why I met her the makeup counter. Did you listen to that speech? It sounded so old fashioned. Like she's been studying classical literature for years. She used so many old words that I remember from school and reading Goryeo poetry."

Han Kyul nodded and made a mental note to himself.

"What are you going to say to her?"

Cha Young Bin shrugged and shook his head.

"I don't know. I feel like I owe her an explanation for why I did what I did. I feel terrible. I felt terrible when I found out about the coma and that I couldn't apologize to her anymore. And now, this is my second chance. I can finally be a good person to her." Cha Young Bin abruptly got up from the chair when he saw Ha Jin walking towards the two of them.

Ha Jin recognized the man next to Han Kyul. Her grey memory tape spun to the right section. It was her ex. Cha Young Bin. Cha Young Bin who broke her heart before she knew that her heart could be consumed by someone like Wang So. Cha Young Bin who cheated on her with her best friend. Cha Young Bin. Ha Jin tried to recall the anger and hopelessness she felt the moment at the lake when she first met Jimong as a homeless person. The feelings didn't come back.

"Ha Jin!" Young Bin's voice cracked. "I know I shouldn't be here."

Ha Jin held his gaze and spoke without emotion.

"That is fine. I thank you for coming to my party."

"Ha Jin. I wanted to say with the deepest apology in my heart that I am so sorry I wronged you so deeply. You were a good friend, a faithful companion, and I threw it all away on someone who was only using me to get a nicer apartment. I hope you can forgive my foolishness." Young Bin hung his head.

Han Kyul nodded politely and got up from the table to give the couple their privacy.

"No Dr. Choi, you don't need to go." Ha Jin reached and grabbed his arm. He looked at her, at the place where her small fingers grasped his sweater. She was truly a stunning girl. Han Kyul felt a moment of guilt. Doctors were not suppose to look at their patients like potential dates, it was one of the ickiest parts of the profession and he was never one to fall like so many other doctors would easily do for Ha Jin. But he had been. He had been looking at Go Ha Jin for a year. He had all the time in the world to observe the careful symmetry of her face. Her white almond skin, the bowed lips as pink as a grapefruit, and the thick long lashes which rimmed her large eyes. Ha Jin was beautiful. He felt like he had seen her face before, maybe years earlier. And it was even more compelling because Han Kyul had only seen those eyes closed for a year. To see them open, to see her searching his face for an answer, it made him feel strange. He quickly pushed down the feelings.

"I just need a moment of your time. Do you mind staying around?"

Han Kyul nodded and moved off to the next table.

Ha Jin looked at Cha Young Bin and she felt nothing. Currently, she felt bad that he seemed to be wracked with guilt over a perceived past wrong. And she supposed that Cha Young Bin find himself to be responsible for her past miseries. Maybe that was true, but Ha Jin had learned that whether we were destined to be a king or a watermaid, what mattered more was living life in the present.

"Young Bin," Ha Jin's voice was a little more gentle. She was trying to connect. "I don't remember much of what happened in our relationship before the coma." She tried to absolve him. "It was good that we broke up because I was not in the right place to be dating. And I'm definitely not in the right place now."

"Oh? You mean you don't remember me?" Young Bin was a little taken aback. He had been arrogant enough to think that his past transgressions had ruined her, but Ha Jin was in front of him, letting him off the hook.

"Yes. I don't remember much. I'd much rather remember you fondly as a friend." Ha Jin bowed and turned her back. She wanted this era of her life to be over. The part where people hurt her in the past who reemerged just to atone. She didn't want to feel like a priest absolving guilt. It wasn't in her nature to dwell on grudges. Dwelling on grudges only made her feel the initial pain of insult to injury. She didn't want to live that way.

"You're right. Ha Jin. Please have a happy life." Young Bin stepped out of the restaurant and into the night.

Ha Jin turned back to the table where her mother was chatting eagerly with Han Kyul. She sat down and another waiter poured her a glass of wine.

"Ha Jin," Her mother beamed at the young doctor, "Dr. Choi here as just telling me about his plans for the fall. I was just telling him about this little amazing bed and breakfast near Hallasan. Remember that place? You used to love it as a child."

"I've never been to Jeju island," Han Kyul offered as a way of explanation.

"It's beautiful." Ha Jin wanted more than anything for the night to be over. She was tired and wanted to sleep. She wanted to return to her dreams of Goryeo, even if she had to wake up crying again.

"There was something you wanted to ask me about Go Ha Jin?" Han Kyul raised one eyebrow. His mannerisms were so easy going and unaffected. Han Kyul was a twenty-first century man, comfortably inhabiting his body and position. There was something so right about the flicker of candlelight behind him, his warm eyes the color of chocolate and sympathetic. He leaned towards her and she saw the smooth muscles of his forearms rippling as he toyed with a pen on the table.

"Yeh. About my hospital bill. I imagine my care was very expensive was it not? I was there for nearly a year."

"Aish, Ha Jin, don't talk about such things with Dr. Choi." Her mom swatted off the question.

"As it turns out, your family qualified for one of our programs to help families with patients with long term care. It's been taken care of by Choi General." He smiled at her reassuringly.

"The hospital took care of my bill?" Ha Jin was puzzled. She had never heard of such a thing before. Usually hospitals were responsible for bankrupting families, not saving them.

"Yes. It's a new program."

"I-I don't know how to thank you enough." Ha Jin stood up immediately and bowed. Han Kyul shook his head and motioned for her to sit down again.

"Please, we would have done it for anyone." He grinned at her. "However, if you'd like to stop by my offices once a week so we can discuss your unusual brain, I'd like that a lot. I have a lot more questions to ask you."

Ha Jin swallowed hard. She didn't really want to go into further details about her time travel. She already had a hard enough time grappling with it personally. Was there really a need to expose that piece of information to anyone else?

"Ha Jin! It's the least you can do for Dr. Choi." Joon Young was beyond happy.

Ha Jin nodded and looked back down at the table. Her mother was right. It was the least she could do for the excellent care that the hospital gave her and freedom from medical debt. It was generous, warm hearted gesture from Dr. Choi.

"He's going to be teaching at the hospital too! Isn't that great?" Her mother was smiling proudly like he was a son-in-law already. Ha Jin found the whole thing unnerving.

"That's is quite an accomplishment." Ha Jin politely nodded. "What are you going to be teaching?"

"Neurological assessment in coma patients." His eyes lit up and they crinkled at the corner, like hers did, as he held her gaze. "It's my life's work."

"Oh. So I didn't come to be your patient by accident."

"Not at all. Your case is actually a little famous now."

"Famous?" Her hand gripped the cool wine glass tightly.

"Well, among neurologists. Not famous famous. So really me and two of my colleagues are interested in your case."

"That's wonderful Dr. Choi!" Yoon Young was especially pleased that Dr. Choi was taking such a personal attention to Ha Jin. Throughout the year that he was treating her, Yoon Young had grown fond of Dr. Choi. They talked for long stretches of time when he went through Ha Jin's charts and explained medical details to Yoon Young. She felt utterly at ease with Dr. Choi. Her first hope was for Ha Jin to wake up. Her second hope was for Ha Jin to meet the man who has been as devoted to her, certainly better to Ha Jin than that no good boyfriend who ran off with Ha Jin's best friend. "Ha Jin, you will help Dr. Choi a lot won't you? She's so grateful to you."

"I'm sorry. I am very tired and just want to go home." Ha Jin sagged a little to show how she felt. Her mother got up and gently held Ha Jin's arm.

"I'm sorry my dear, your father will take your home."

Ha Jin nodded numbly and walked away from the table. As she stood outside the restaurant waiting for her father to pull the car around, she looked out at the moon and remembered someone so silly howling at the moon, calling her from her room at the Damiwon. She ached for someone who died a thousand years ago. She was trying accept her life as it was now. But it was so hard. Flashes of Wang So, all the times he had cherished, touched her, kissed her, set her heart ablaze. She sometimes felt like Wang So was burned onto her heart, she could cry buckets of tears and it would never quench the smoldering mess that his love left her in.

She held herself and felt a shiver of the winter air. Exhaling slowly, she loved looking at her breath as the whirls of condensation swirled and made miniature clouds in the night sky.

"Ah, pretty girls should never cry alone at night." She heard Han Kyul's voice. "I think you'll attract too much attention, Go Ha Jin."

PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 3

 _Han Joon Ki was a serious man. He was born in the year of Tiger under an auspicious harvest moon. His family adored him. He fit in exceptionally well anywhere. It was easy to talk to Joon Ki, he was charming with his crooked smile and polite manners. Underneath the perfection that was Joon Ki, there was something savage and raw that changed him forever when he was twenty. He was driving home from university for summer vacation. On the Hallasan mountain road back from a weekend, when a tractor-trailer exploded in front of him. It was a high pressure fuel tanker and the four cars in front of him were incinerated. Joon Ki was lucky enough that he spun his car off the side of the cliff and the car became airborne, landing on its side about 500 meters from the side of the cliff._

 _When Joon Ki was upside down in his car, hanging by his seat belt, blood dripping from his jaw down to his mouth, he began to see things that he couldn't explain. He saw cherry trees from ancient Goryeo, a gilded red room with a throne, a girl with a scar on her wrist who laughed often._


	3. Han Jun Seo

CHAPTER 3 - ME, HAN JOON KI

I sometimes wonder what was wrong with me. My name is Han Joon Ki, born in the year of the Tiger under an auspicious harvest moon.

I love my family. My father is a four star general in the Republic of Korea army with the highest expectations of each and every one of us. I have three brothers. I'm not the oldest, nor am I the youngest. I wouldn't complain about being forgotten, but I wasn't under the same scrutiny as my oldest brother and I wasn't babied like my youngest. I did what was told of me. I followed in the footsteps of my father, joining the military academy when I was 18, volunteering for the army much earlier than most people my age. Duty above all else. That was the motto in my family. I was good at combat. I'm still good at combat.

In the last year of my service, I was driving home from my last assigned mission when a fuel tanker exploded in front of me. The four cars that were in front of my car were all incinerated. I watched the flames as they washed over the people in the car like a sea of fire. I yanked my steering wheel to avoid crashing into the flaming pile, but my wheels spun out of control and my car broke into the protective railing and went sailing over the edge of the cliff.

I saw my life flash before my eyes. How cliche. But it was true that when you're closest to your death, you're closest to your truth. I saw things that didn't make sense. A room with a golden chair. A lake that I'd never been to. A girl with the scar on her wrist.

When the car landed, the momentum of the crash kept propelling the vehicle forward. When it lurched forward twenty degrees and I heard the creaking of metal under stress. I was already upside down in the passenger cab, hanging from the ceiling by my seat belt. From my training, I knew that the disorientation would quickly lead to vertigo.

I couldn't tell where I was through the cracked glass of the windshield. It had erupted into an opaque confetti pattern. I smelled gas. The noxiously sweet smell was everywhere, which meant that any small spark would lead to a very well barbequed Han Joon Ki. I was good under pressure, but I didn't prepare to die in a car crash when I had my breakfast this morning.

I shifted my weight and unbuckled myself. Bad move. My car was balanced on a ball point and gravity interfered. The entire thing started rolling downhill again. Everytime my car flipped onto a new side, crushing new ground, I saw more images. Like I was watching a slideshow of a life that wasn't mine. After the fifth rotation, I was sure I was going to plunge to my death. The car landed on its side and in the five seconds before it could roll again, I kicked through the passenger door, which was now serving as the roof of the car. When I climbed out, I could barely see. Blood was everywhere. It was my blood. A blast of heat threw me to the ground about twenty meters away from my car. That Would have been me in the flaming wreckage, if I didn't escape a few seconds earlier. I can still smell the burning of gas and rubber.

I had seen her. But I didn't know what it meant.

That was ten years ago. My accident had carved up my face. A piece of a windshield glass sliced into my orbital cheek bone and dragged across my temple. I had a quarter of my face macerated by the windshield. I was lucky that my mother's family was rich and she immediately set a plastic surgeon on my face so that the scar was reduced to little than an invisible line on my face, the width of a single human hair. You wouldn't see it unless you were an centimeter from my face.

I got picked up by the ambulances. The EMT workers wrapped me in that foil blanket while I watched them pull body after body out of the accident. Everyone was covered up to their heads in white. They would have to be identified by their teeth only. I was lucky. I should have looked at the other crash victims and counted my blessings. But I felt like something had shift inside me. There was death everywhere. I felt death, like a part of me was gone, and something new was in it's place. Something that had been missing in my life, a driving purpose, began to take shape.

When he arrived at the scene of the accident quickly, I glanced at my father's expression, which was blank per his long military background. He was based at a military base close by. When I saw his imposing figure, still in uniform arrive, I was relieved.

He walked over to the ambulance where I was and evaluated me.

"Have you been drinking?" He asked.

"No, abeoji. I'm in the army. I would not be drinking."

"Good. We can't have an embarrassment in the family. Report to headquarters in O two hundred hours. I need a detailed report about what happened here." I gave him a quick salute and his lieutenant clicked his boots too when they both turned to leave.

My father wasn't a very demonstrative man. To him, serving the country before anything else was more important. Generations of us died for Korea and my father. Life for country, that's what we were about.

If the country was the most important thing to my father, then the most important thing to my mother, Song Jin-Seong, was herself. I looked at my phone log to my mother, five green crooked arrows to indicate there were five unreturned calls. She must be campaigning like crazy.

I decided that night that I didn't want to return to the military base. I wanted to go and talk with my youngest brother, Seung Won.

When I arrived his dorm, Seung Won opened the door. Sleepy and confused. Half of my face was bandaged and I had a giant ice pack pressed against the raw meat that felt like my face.

"Hyun!" Seung Won ushered me in his dorm room. "What the hell happened?"

"I got into a car accident. Totalled abeoji's car."

"But you're alive. Isn't that more important? Forget about the car."

"I survived. But I think I was pretty close to dying."

"Don't say that, Hyun." Seung Won was always the optimist. I suppose because he only knew Mother after she started getting medicated. Before her stabilizers kicked in, Mother was often as loving as she was a nightmare.

"The strangest thing is, I saw things, Seung Won." I was trying to piece it out. "There was a lake. A room with this gigantic gold seat. And a girl."

"Was it Min-ah?"

"No, it wasn't."

"Then don't tell your girlfriend about these visions." Seung Won sometimes had a preternatural wisdom about him for a teen his age.

"Yeah, you're right. She was-" I paused. I didn't know how to quite explain to Seung Won. Only that it felt like everything closed to a pinpoint when I saw her face. All of my nerves were firing on survival mode but it was like my entire body reacted to this image of her. She didn't look like anyone else I had ever seen before in my life.

I tried to forget about the accident and moved on. I was discharged with honors from the military and my father wanted me to choose. Join him in the Army or enter the private sector. I thought it was a no brainer. Obviously, I would follow in my father's footsteps.

I started on the well-traveled route to becoming a commanding officer like my father. I started as a private because there was nothing worse in the military than perceived nepotism. I scrubbed toilets and cleaned oil stained garages with everyone else. No one knew I was the general's son.

My father sent me as far away from Korea as possible. I went all over the world: to China, Israel, Palestine, Cambodia, Syria, Mexico. I think I'm missing a few others. He wanted me away from the sphere of influence of my mother. I couldn't blame him. My mother, Song Jin-Seong, was a politician with dreams bigger than the penninsula. She always said to me that she was never meant to be born a woman, her dreams were too big.

When I left for Azerbaijan, she was in the middle of one of the closest re-election races in her career and she would be damned if she lost to some primary teacher who gave good speeches. So she sent her aide to see me off. I looked at the aide who gave me a teddy bear that said, "Mother Loves You." It was the coldest, most obviously airport-purchased thing I had ever seen. I wasn't resentful. I knew my mother's ways. She'd been the same for a long time.

In all of my mother's political speeches, she always referred to our family's long military history as a notch on her belt. The image she painted of herself was a fervent patriot, a woman fighting for the people. Maybe some of that was true. But my mother's side of the family were industrialists who took advantage of the economic boom of the late nineties in Korea. They were vicious at mergers and acquisitions. Because she was a woman, her brothers got the business and my mother got married. Maybe at some point my parents were in love with each other. It was hard to tell now that they lived in different houses on different sides of the country.

My father never wanted to get involved politically. He felt like the army had an impartial duty to the country and to be involved would unduly influence the safety of the nation. After all, the reason we had 400,000 foot soldiers in action was because of the very real threat with our northern neighbors. I remembered from the age of five, polishing my father's shoes to spit shine, touching his various stripes as he rose through the army. There were always more stripes to count every year.

My oldest brother, Jin Young, was the deputy mayor of Busan, which was a position that he and my mother spent years jockeying for. They were real political cyphers. Great at reading people, even better at getting people to do what they wanted. They regarded us: my father, me and Seung Won as oddities. Politics was in their blood. Not ours.

I broke up with Min-ah before I left for another extended nine month mission to central Asia. She was a lovely girl I met in a small village when I was doing some relief work after flooding hit the region south of Seoul. She was intelligent, kind, and cute. She taught elementary school. I liked her. I like her forthrightness and compassion for the world. When we made love, I could see in her eyes that she wanted something more. I couldn't give it to her. I couldn't promise that I would stay by her side. Lying was worse. I'd rather end things cleanly than to drag out some terrible promise. I told her to give up on me. Min-ah threw all of my things out onto the alleyway behind her apartment. I couldn't take it with me anyway.

When I first arrived in the Azerbaijan, I felt like I was on a distant planet. Baku was a city entirely funded by oil. There were oil effigies everywhere, statues to the amazing power of petroleum for the last few hundred years. When I tried to make my way around the city in the first week, I felt like the skin on my face was getting sandpapered off. The locals let me know that there were two winds in Baku: the khazri and the gilavar. The khazri was evil wind, it was cold and rough. The gilavar was the gentle wind that tickled your balls if you were out screwing in the fields. At least that's what got relayed to me when I went drinking with my new coworkers. Khazri bad. Gilavar ball-tickling good. That's the jist of Azerbaijan, even the wind had an opinion.

I was embedded with a local group of oil refinery workers. They were all hard working men, trying to conserve as much cash as possible to send back to their families. They were there to a job and I was there to do mine. The refineries in Azerbaijan were undergoing an increased number of terrorist attacks since 9/11. Terrorism was really on the rise around the globe, and as part of the UN anti-terrorist task force, we were the first line of defense, especially in vulnerable positions like an oil refinery. We had a vested interest in protecting a building that had the same detonation power as a small nuclear device.

The missions were complex and kept me busy during the day. One day, it was following a lead to a potential bomb threat to the factory. Another day, it was trying to transport medical supplies to caves that were known for snipers and thieves. It was a combination of intelligence gathering and monitoring the local population for suspicious activities. I had to start learning the language as soon as I got to Azerbaijan. Unlike some of the other overseas people, I didn't think a translator was going to cut it.

My job was to monitor any and all threat to the refinery. I was in the heart of oil so I had to get familiar with the smell of petro-chemicals. I never felt clean. I had white t-shirts that were brown by the end of the day when I returned back to the barracks. There was always a fine mist of oil droplets wherever I was. The air was fresh weirdly enough, because of the aforementioned trouble winds. I was stationed with another Koreans, Hwa-Shin, and we both missed our food. We would dream about the kimchi stews and fluffy white rice. Hwa-Shin was a buffoon, but a well-commanded one, so he was an exceptionally good coworkers.

"Let's go see the burning fields!" Hwa-Shin said to me one day over another bowl of mutton stew.

"Yanar dag?" I hadn't seen it before except for pictures on the internet.

"C'mon, you know I want a selfie in the land of fire! When I go back to Korea, I want to impress the girls with something."

"Alright, if we can do a ground inspection tomorrow early, we can go." As his commanding officer, I thought this was a very reasonable order.

Yanar Dag was twenty-five kilometers outside the city and it was on fire. It was actually suppose to be on fire forever. Burning for the millenia. We got there at nightfall, and I saw the glow from a distance. When we got closer, I saw the wall of red and orange, flames as high as a man. An entire mountain burning. I had to give it to Hwa-shin, for a simple man, he had an eye for incredible sights. I could hardly breath in front the fire mountain, the smell of gas was so thick. Every animal instinct told me to leave this place. I thought about the entire thing, the underground cavern of molten rocks. What was it for? Here was an endless display of power and awe, but for what end?

I looked over at Hwa-shin, who for once in his overly talkative life, was speechless. I saw the flames reflected in his eyes. He was awed.

I staggered and took a step back. It was happening again. I didn't see the flames of Yanar Dag anymore. It was a building on fire. A temple set on the side of a cliff.

"Hwa-shin, save them!"

"Corporal Han! What's going on?"

He took a step towards me and I backed away. The vision was clearer than ever. A dozen dead men. Their blood red and oxygenated, their faces robbed of life. So many bodies. Crumpled everywhere. I had seen less blood in an emergency room. When I looked at my hand, I saw a sword covered in same massacre. I did this?

"Corporal! Stop! You'll catch fire!"

When I woke up the next day back in the barracks, I saw that Hwa-shin had dumped me on the couch in the living room.

"You're awake." A hand gave me a cup of instant.

"What the hell happened last night?" I took the cup from Hwa-shin.

"I think we've been working too hard. These seventy-hour weeks are killing me. And we climb that butt-ass ugly refinery twenty times a day. I'm pretty sure I have black-lung. How about we take go back to Korea for a while?"

"We'll go back when the job is done."

"Man, you do not know how to have fun. I haven't seen you out with one single Azerbaijani girl since you've been here!"

"I'm too busy."

"Bullshit! I see you reading that ancient Goryeo book all day. What's up with that? You didn't get enough of that stuff in school?"

"I bought at the Incheon airport on the way here, okay? It was the only book that wasn't a self-help book."

"Still, I'd rather go out drinking with some fine ladies than sit in my room reading about dynasties from a thousand years ago."

Hwa-shin ignored my irritated look. Last night was deeply unsettling. I hadn't blacked out before, ever. I began to have the worst headaches of my life. The fumes of the the petroleum fields were overwhelming. Accompany these headaches were flashes of memories that I was still contending with. Nothing really made sense when these images projected themselves on my brain. Sometimes, these flashes would finally fall into sequential order so I understood a little more. Every day, I gained a little more insight. But the recurring person in all these images was the girl.

I rode horses a lot in Azerbaijan. The country had huge steppes that looked like an ocean of grass. One of the local tribesman taught me how to ride horses the Azerbaijan way, loosely like I was connected with the animal instead of forcing it to my will. Once I learned, it was impossible to not want to ride. On the few times where there I was off-duty, I'd take a knapsack full of food and drinks, a pup tent, and ride out to the middle of grass dessert.

I waited for nightfall under a dome of stars, I could stretch out and connect the constellations together. Seoul had too much light pollution. But about twenty miles away from Baku, I could see how inky the sky should and how bright the stars could be. I could be alone for days and not miss other people. My favorite was the Elburtz forest steppes. It was a place of stunning beauty, completely untouched by people. I felt at peace there, and sometimes wondered if she could see the same thing.

Of course, who that elusive she was remained a mystery to me. Sometimes they were dreams. Sometimes they were nightmares. The dreams were lucid, like if I woke up, I would still be continuing the conversations from the dream. I found myself saying the strangest words.

The girl. I had see so many different versions of the girl. She was bright and young, dressed in colorful hanboks, her hair down like a cascade of black silk. Or she would be feisty and caring, clad in a plainer clothes. Seeing her made me ache to touch her, to stroke her cheek. I woke up under the night sky, panicked and in pain. There were memories of her when she kissed me. Or when I kissed her. When I held her waist. I remembered making love to her. How she smelled, how her skin was smooth and hot underneath my fingers, how her eyes widen and dilate when I was finally inside her. She would let me do it for hours, our limbs entwined like tree branches grown together, kissing me passionately, my eager and most ardent lover from the past. I don't even I remember having real sex with a girl that was as vivid as these dreams were. When Hwa-shin asked if he could accompany on my trips out to the steppes, I always shut it down like he was asking me for the nuclear codes.

I should probably see a shrink when I go back to Korea.

After three years, my father called for me to return. It was time, he said. I bid farewell to Hwa-shin at the airport and we went our separate ways after the taxi picked me up. I was going to be based in Seoul for a few months at least. Father had some assignment which would help me along in my career. Seung-won was graduating in a few months too. For once, one of Father's decisions actually made sense.

Three years out of Seoul and I could barely recognize my own neighborhood. It was like conglomerate chains took over wherever they found a small mom and pop shop to squeeze out. The main eyesore I was staring at was a Subway franchise parked where my favorite cold noodle shop used to be. I handed the taxi driver a decent tip, but he looked at the money strangely. He told me he could only accept payment from an app. Time just moved faster in Seoul than it did in Baku.

When I finally arrived at the apartment I still kept in Seoul, I would have missed my own door if not for the door man who still recognized me.

"Good to see you back, Sir!"

"Good to be back. Anything change while I was gone?"

"Oh just everything and nothing." The door man shrugged. I always liked the way he sounded like a fortune cookie. I was fumbling for my keys when a flash of pink caught my eye. I glanced up at the billboard across the street.

A high pitched noise began in my inner ear and every muscle in my body tensed. My heart decided to speed up like it was racing its way out of my chest and I blinked hard, two times. My mouth was drier than the rocks burning at Yanar Dag.

Dropping my duffle bag, I started walking across the street. Cars careened out of my way and I heard the doppler effect of a horn that began down the block and narrowly avoided hitting me. I didn't see them. I didn't see anything except the billboard.

It was the girl. She was here, up on the billboard. Her huge eyes, her white almond skin, her sweet lips. It was her. Undoubtedly her. Unmistakably her. My brain was arguing with me. How ridiculous it was that this is the same girl from my dream. But my body knew it was her. I'd been dreaming of her for the last ten years of my life. She wasn't a delusion. She was here.

PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 4

 _CHAPTER 4 - ME, HA JIN_

 _I woke up this morning and knew that I felt like my life was starting over again. The first time since my accident, I felt a little bit of hope. Since my accident, I've been struggling with these thoughts of ending my life here, of finding solace in other people, or trying to fill my life with something. But when I looked at my brother Nam Gil, I knew I couldn't leave him. Nor could I leave my mother. Nor my father._

 _Today was the day that I was going to change. I was going to leave Hae Su behind and become the Ha Jin I was meant to be. I shrugged on my new camel hair winter coat and a backpack that Han Kyul had gotten me as a congratulations on getting into graduate school. I didn't want to accept the gifts, but my mother was right there and she insisted. I thought both items were utterly ridiculous and expensive. The camel hair coat was from Louis Vuitton and the backpack was from Chanel. Han Kyul told me that his mother had bought a few extra things on her trip back from Paris, which I found highly dubious since the coat was exactly my size._


	4. Me, Ha Jin

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CHAPTER 4 - ME, GO HA JIN

I woke up this morning and knew that I could start over again. The first time since my accident, I felt a little bit of hope. I've been struggling with these thoughts of ending my life here. I haven't been able to keep the darkness at bay, so much that my mother suggested that I should see a therapist, which I agreed to; for a few months anyways. It was so hard to explain why my brain was all screwy from the time travel, but that's what it was. How was I supposed to live comfortably when I had already died losing everything? Whenever my mind would drift, I thought how about how much I wanted to go back to Goreyo. I found it hard to anchor myself to the present. That was most of last year.

I looked at the window at the fresh snow piling in drifts across our kitchen window. I shrugged on my new camel hair winter coat and a backpack that Han Kyul had gotten me as a congratulations on getting into graduate school. I didn't want to accept the gifts, but my mother was right there and she insisted. I thought both items were utterly ridiculous and expensive. The camel hair coat was from Louis Vuitton and the backpack was from Chanel. Han Kyul told me that his mother had bought a few extra things on her trip back from Paris, which I found highly dubious since the coat was exactly my size.

I tried to slurp down the the morning soup my mother made for breakfast, she made it full of pork slice the way I liked it, and I rushed out the door to to register for my first traditional medicine class at Seoul National University. I was so nervous. I had never been a great student. I'd always been easily distracted by so many things. And now me, Go Ha Jin, average student was in graduate school. I never thought I could even pass the entrance exams.

As I stood on the subway line 2 to the university, I felt the crush of passengers getting into the train car. It was winter so I could smell the cold in the air. I watched everyone shuffle onto the train, stamping the snow off their boots. I loved the winter. Everyone's complexions were ruddy and we were all bundled up like little cozy people ovens. When you went outside at first snow, everything was pillowed in the white stuff. Clean. Like a new world.

I had to see Han Kyul today. I remembered.

Han Kyul was my neurologist. He had been treating me since I came out of my coma last winter. He's been instrumental in allowing me to understand that some of my memories were self created. That they weren't necessarily truthful. The mind was a plastic thing as he said.

He had a large windowed office at Choi General hospital. His nurse filled his office with tons of plants and I absolutely loved plants. He wore clean white lab coats with neat sweaters and fitted slacks. Dr. Choi treated me well. And I was grateful to him, for all the endless sessions when we went over my memory loss and what those memories meant. He was a warm man and he was so intensely curious about me. I liked his careful ways of looking at me. How I would speak and he would write notes in his careful block script. He never used a tablet or a laptop in front of me for some reason. I would get hand cramps if I wrote the way he did. His receptionist is really nice to me too. Her name was Lee Sang Nim and always teased Dr. Choi for looking so young and handsome. She always pressed a mint leaf into my hand when I left his office because she knew how I liked to chew on the flavor.

In our first session, I was almost a mute. I held back as much as I could because there were things that I simply couldn't admit to anyone alive. I didn't want to be committed to an insane asylum. I wanted to live with my family. I was suspicious of Dr. Choi. I didn't know what he wanted from me. I'd never been under such intense scrutiny before. I played with the hem of my skirt and refused to look at him when I answered questions. He didn't seem offended though. He said that my brain was unusual and he wanted to study me. If not for the generous offer the hospital made to waive my extended stay fees, I would have never agreed to meet Dr. Choi. But almost a year later, I was grateful. Immensely grateful that he finally gave me respite from my pain.

I don't know when I started trusting him. Seeing him every week became a ritual. I'd walk into his office, ask him how his rotation was for the day, and then proceeded to fidget and talk about everything under the sun except my memories. He was so good at getting me to open up. He would let me tire myself out with idle chatter and he would ask a few questions that didn't seem important. He always wrote furiously when I was talking. I suppose it was the first time that I was taken so seriously by anyone. I noticed that he furrowed his brow when he wrote and the nice lines of his hands when he was writing. I never knew anyone like Dr. Choi. He was so different than Wang So.

I don't know why I compared them. Maybe it was because they were the two men in my life that I remembered the most vividly. I barely remembered my ex Cho Young Bin. But I was still living with Wang So everyday and trying to keep him out of my conversations with Dr. Choi.

After about three months of seeing Dr. Choi, he latched onto a word that I used. He wanted me to show him a certain word in Hangul and I accidentally wrote the Chinese form of the word, the hanmun, instead of the Hangul. He looked at my writing, the way I was holding a pen like a brush. He stopped me and asked if I was telling him the truth. I denied it. I denied it all. He looked at the script. He looked at me. And then he asked why I was writing in system that was abandoned hundreds of years ago. I froze.

After that session, I was never going to return. No matter how comforting it was to talk to Dr. Choi about my feelings. I never wanted to see him again. He was so close to the truth. And I feared what could happen. If he told my family, would they have me committed? If he told other people, would I get thrown into a lab to be studied?

I noticed another passenger on the train who was staring at the girl behind me. Sometimes I hated public transit. He was clearly doing something with his hands underneath his coat and I was completely disgusted. I took out my phone and yelled out,

"Yah pervert! How do you want to be uploaded onto Instagram as the Subway Jerk!?"

Other women around me started clapping and I felt pretty good about myself. People in this world shouldn't act so disgusting, the world was hard enough already. No reason to make it even harder for other people to live.

It was actually Han Kyul who encouraged me, because of my extensive knowledge of herbs, to apply to graduate school. I was skeptical at first. I told him I was really terrible at studying and that I'd rather be making things with my hands. He laughed and said that it sounded like I would be good in a laboratory.

Today was my first day of class. I walked onto the Seoul National University campus and I was so overwhelmed. The first time I went to college, I attended a small women's college and I loved the friends I made there. But Seoul National University was one of the best schools in the country. I read out the words on motto on the front of the imposing library, Veritas Lux Mea. The truth is my light. At that moment, I knew that it was right that I was here. I was here for the truth. The truth about myself is that I had a very bad traumatic brain injury and Han Kyul helped me realize that an extensive amount of memories had been created in place of an extended coma. It made sense the more he explained it to me.

The day I finally told Han Kyul about my memories of Goryeo, he didn't look surprised at all. I started from the beginning, from my drowning, to arriving in the Damiwon palace baths, to when I first met Wang So, to when I helped him ascend to be the fourth King of Goryeo. Our child. It was so hard to get out all at once. Once I started, I couldn't stop. It had been inside of me for so long. I was tired of hiding it. I was tired.

Han Kyul held my hand as I cried. I cried for my lost daughter, I cried for Wang So who must have hated me until I died. Before I knew it, Dr. Choi was blotting all the tears off of my face with his handkerchief. He sat back and let me feel the weight of my confession. I balled up the handkerchief in my fist and focused on the little monogrammed corner sticking out. C.H.K. I looked up at him, my vision still blurry.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No." He clicked his pen and started writing furiously again. "We all have to survive in some way, in this life."

"So what is all of this? What do I do now?"

"The names you've been using are historical names. They were real people that lived in the past. But all the circumstances surrounded those names are events that your mind has created to deal with the absence of sensation."

"How could they feel so real. I can remember every scar on his body."

"The King? There's no record of Wang So ever having scars on his face. As you know, Goryeo people were very choosy about their regents. I think a scar would have been mentioned in the records. It would be so unusual."

I felt my chest sag. It couldn't be true. I still loved him. There were some mornings where I'd wake up reaching for him, only to find no one. I still yearned for him. I couldn't let him go. Even when he married Yeon Hwa, I had his daughter. I doubled over in pain. The lights in Han Kyul's office were blindingly bright. Covering my eyes, I felt like my inner ear was under pressure again, the same feeling as when a plane takes off into the air. Han Kyul was speaking, but I couldn't understand his words. They were a mish mash of sounds and nouns. I put my hands on my ears and shook my head.

"It's not true. It was real. It had to be real. Why would I remember all of this? Why would I be in all this pain? _What's the point of all this pain_?" I gripped the leather on on the seat, digging my nails into the soft hide. I left little half-moon intentions in Dr. Choi's good furniture.

"Ha Jin, I want you to be free this pain. You have survived something incredible. You came back from the verge of death. When I was observing you in your coma, your brain actually went off line for an entire day about six months in. Your mother was crying on my shoulder. We weren't sure if we were going to pull the plug or not."

I felt cold all over. He continued on.

"But you came back. We'd never seen anything like this before. Your trauma is entirely unique and we can't explain a lot of it medically. You should be brain dead by all scientific measurements. But you're here now. It's really miraculous. And I'm going to help you understand why. You're not dead. You survived. You're the strongest survivor I've ever seen."

I shook my head. Nothing was making sense. Dr. Choi got up and went over to the electric kettle in his office. He placed a warm cup of tea in my hands and lingered as I tried to grip the handle of the cup. I was still shaking.

"Ha Jin, our brains record everything that happens in our lives. It's like our autobiographer. But the mistake people make is that they think their memories are set in stone. Our memories aren't like a camera, it's not an unchanging record of what happened. That's the thing about our brains. Memories can change. Everytime we remember something, it can change. Sometimes, it changes to fit in with the new information that we learn in the present. Sometimes, our brain tweaks little changes for consistency. But just as often, we can create entirely new recollections. Some people call them lies. But I think that's too simplistic."

"So I've been lying?" I took a deep breath.

"No." Han Kyul took my hand. His hands were warm and lightly callused from the tennis racket I saw in his office sometimes. His eyes were kind and his eyebrows lifted in concern. "Your brain was trying to deal with your coma. You had not had any stimulation or action to any of your sensory organs, but you were still alive. Your brain could pull memories from other places to fill in for the lost time. And when you woke up from your coma, your brain was trying to reconnect all the shattered pieces. It was stretching to fill all the time when you were alive, but in this place of suspension. Your brain was trying to find you again. So when it was healing itself, it was creating itself again."

"So, when I woke up and it felt like my brain was on fire?"

"It's hard to say. Because the brain actually doesn't have that many nerve endings. But it could very well be your brain reawakening all of its old synapses. I've seen this before in coma patients, the incredible stories that would happen while they were under. When our brains are back, we make these connections that are fantastical, sometimes impossible. You were not in Goryeo. You could not have been. You were here at the hospital. Your mother and I saw you everyday."

I fell back against the chair, like a great weight had settled on top of my chest. Everything seemed a shade more awful. That's when I began to hate Han Kyul. Every time I came to his office, I was ready for a fight. Instead of getting angry with my reaction, Han Kyul sat calmly across from me while I gripped about everything I thought was wrong about his argument. He just let me vent.

How satisfying it was finally to talk about Goryeo. As it turns out, I had very strong opinions about almost everyone who was in my life back then. How cruel life was, for everyone. It didn't matter if you were a prince or a king or a watermaid, the important things in life were not what we valued today. The more I discussed Goryeo with Han Kyul, the more distant it seemed. Instead of burying my guilt and feelings about Wang So, Han Kyul encouraged me to express as much emotion as possible. I held nothing back. And when I finally let go, it was almost like I was trying to make a last ditch effort for someone to remember me in Goryeo, even if that person was a my doctor who already told me that I made it all up with my mind.

"Han Kyul, I do not wish to come any more." After about eight months after our first session, I was in a gradual acceptance stage. But I didn't want to torture myself anymore with Dr. Choi. He smiled and handed me brochure to Seoul National University.

"Go Ha Jin. You have an amazing memory for herbs and plants from all of our conversations. I want you to take advantage. I've already written to the dean at the traditional medicine college on campus, and I think you should really apply. Good luck."

I felt like I was in a waking dream most of the time. After I stopped going to see Dr. Choi on a weekly basis, I fell back into my haze. I went through the motions of going to work at ISOI and picking up Nam Gil from elementary school for my mother. Until the day I almost lost Nam Gil while we were shopping.

"Nam Gil!" I screamed when I finally found him, but I was still too far away as he got closer and closer to the subway platform edge. I saw a man grab my brother around the waist and yanked him back just as the train roared into the station.

The trains whipped passed us and I felt the hot air blasting my face as I ran towards my little brother. I could see the horrified expression of the conductor.

"Noona!" He stumbled as he ran towards me.

I crushed Nam Gil to my chest, his cheeks were ruddy from the wind and he looked truly frightened. Other passengers who had seen the almost accident started gathering. I could hear strains of people saying things like, "she should have been watching him more closely" or "what a bad mother." I ignored them all and saw how shaken Nam Gil was.

"Noona, I'm so sorry I ran away from you." His face was snooty. "I was chasing after a pigeon. He flew into the station and I wanted to make sure he could get out."

"No, it's my fault. I wasn't pay enough attention. It's all my fault."

"Noona, you don't look for me anymore. You don't want to play with me. Will you ever be Ha Jin again?"

"I'm so sorry, Nam Gil!" I squeezed his hands hard. Just a millisecond later and Nam Gil would be gone. King Taejo's words came back to haunt me. Do not get so hung up on the past that you forget what you have now.

After that day, I tried my hardest to move on. I had to let go of my pain. I had to let go of Goryeo if I wanted to live. I couldn't let my problem harm anyone else in my life. I had to be better, do better. I was going to leave Hae Su behind and become the Ha Jin I was meant to be.

That's what I was here to do today. I had to build up Ha Jin again. She was lost for so long. I would build her again, brick by brick. Hae Su was gone. I needed to be strong for the people in my life who still loved me. I took a deep breath and looked at the building that was going to change me for the next two years.

The campus map was completely confusing and I had to ask around until I found my building. Seoul National University had to have one of the largest research facilities for traditional medicine in the world. I walked through the lobby and clacked around the vast polished space in my loafers until I found the elevator. It took me a solid fifteen minutes to find the classroom. Looking around the room, I was unnerved by the sheer brain caliber there. Everyone looked like a straight A student and I looked like some candy girl who didn't have her head on right. I shook off my coat and sat down as far away from the lectern as possible. I just needed to pass. I didn't need to excel. I started doodling in my notebook as everyone else took their seats.

When Dr. Lee finally entered the classroom, I was so surprised by her appearance. She just looked like any regular professor, patched elbow jacket and frumpy pants. I sat up a little straighter and began taking notes. Thank god the first classes were about herbal classification. I was exceptionally good at it. During one of the labs, Dr. Lee need a test subject for the aroma sensitives and I volunteered because I basically have the nose of a bloodhound. When I could tell the difference between mugwort and wood-ear, she seemed pleased.

I shuffled my binders and notebooks together and was going to hightail it out of the classroom before anyone paid too much attention to me.

"Go Ha Jin?"

I was halfway out of the door. Crap, what did I do wrong on my first day?

"You're pretty good at this." Dr. Lee looked over her glasses at me. She had the look of a very smart bird because of her long neck, like an ostrich or an emu.

"Thank you. I very excited to learn from you, Dr. Lee." I bowed and tried not to smile like it was going to split my face. I was about to shuffle out of the door when she cleared her throat.

"I have an opening in my lab. If you're interested?"

I whipped around, nearly knocking down her TA who was standing next to the door.

"Really? You'd want me as a first year?"

"Well, now that you're making me question if it's a good idea or not." She looked distracted and started going through her phone.

"No no! Dr. Lee, thank you so much! I'll do my best."

I skipped out of class, ecstatic. It felt so fulfilling to be really good at something and to do it well. I felt the first clouds of depression lift for the first time in months. When I got home, my mother had already prepared a celebratory meal, full of my favorite things like spicy octopus, rice cakes, and a creamy oxtail soup. I couldn't stop smiling that night. Looking at my mother and father, who finally no longer had that pained expression on their faces when they looked at me. I saw Nam Gil, as deeply involved as he was in a pokemon game, was happy that I was back.

"Have you told. Dr. Choi the good news?"

"Oh. I stopped seeing Dr. Choi a month ago." I dragged my spoon around the bottom of my bowl.

"My goodness! Why not? He would be so happy to know that you're doing well in graduate school. After all, he made sure to help you get in. What a blessing that man is to this family."

"Oma. I will be sure to thank him."

"Don't just thank him! Take him out to dinner. Somewhere nice. Do you need money? I can give you money." My mother was positively beaming.

"Don't think that I don't know how much you like him." I frowned at her enthusiasm.

"He's just a good man, Ha Jin." She folded her hand on top of mine. "You deserve a good man Ha Jin because you're so kind hearted. And I think he would be good to your heart."

After dinner, I kept scrolling through my texts with Dr. Choi. Even in the midst of my fight with him, he still texted me things that interested me, like new herbal findings or food pictures. It was so hard to stay mad at someone like him. I lingered on the last picture he sent me. It was a picture of him with a new patient who just woke up from a coma. In the caption he wrote, I am more alarm clock than doctor. I decided to tell him about the internship and that his patient was doing really well.

He wrote back, "You're no longer my patient. Just a friend." My cheeks tugged up at the corner. Typical Dr. Choi, straight forward and to the point. He then text an emoji of a peach and a glass of soju with a question mark as a response.

Even though, I just finished dinner, I decided to go out. It would be wrong to not thank someone who had been basically my guardian angel. I picked the restaurant and told Han Kyul to meet me there in an hour.

"Go Ha Jin, I've only seen you smile once or twice since the year we started our sessions." Han Kyul grinned at me as I poured him his first dozen shots of soju. I couldn't stop smiling back.

"Well, you always said sad girls were pretty."

"I did say that. Sad girls are impossibly beautiful, but I don't want you to be sad." He clinked my glass and speared a piece of beef that was spitting fat on the hot grill. He made a lettuce wrap and handed it to me. "Eat this. For your health."

"Han Kyul," I lifted my glass and raised my left eyebrow. "I'd like to thank you for being the best neurologist I know."

"I think I'm the only neurologist you know."

"I know Dr. Han and Dr. Park?"

"Those quacks?"

I stifled back a laugh. Dr. Han and Dr. Park were Han Kyul's attendings and he always got mad at them for not doing their paperwork right.

"To the best non-quack neurologist I know, who helped me heal from my accident and helped me move on with my life. I am truly grateful, Han Kyul."

To my surprise, Han Kyul blushed and looked down and fidgeted with his glass.

"C'mon Dr. Choi! Finish my cheers!" I waved the glass in front of him.

"I accept your cheers, Ms. Go Ha Jin. The strongest, most beautiful patient I've ever had."

I felt my mouth go dry. I immediately downed the shot and pressed my lips together, tasting the sweet rice of the alcohol and swallowed nervously. He smiled wryly at me.

"I always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those doctors who fell for their patient. But Go Ha Jin, you made a very compelling case."

"I-I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I think I can only say this to you because we're on our fifth bottle." He hiccuped lightly and he was completely flushed from the alcohol. It was so funny to see my normally composed doctor so disheveled and off guard. He looked so young when he was like this. Without the serious composure of the white coat and his ever present pen and paper, Dr. Choi looked like any other young man in Myeongdong.

"Do you want me to remember?" I was slurring a little too. Tomorrow was going to be rough day at school. I could already taste the future hangover.

"No!" He slammed his glass down. "I am a doctor and I-, I promise, I will be professional with you."

"But you said that I'm your friend now."

"Really? Oh, I did say that. Okay then, I will be your friend since you asked." He winked at me, slowly, because he was getting to the stage of drunkenness where you had to make all your gestures as deliberate as possible. I giggled.

"Pfft." I tossed back another shot. "I am a terrible patient, but a good friend. I can tell you that much Dr. Choi. If you do not change, I will not change for you." I clinked his glass one more time, but Han Kyul had already fallen asleep on the table with his head slumped against his arm.

The next day, I began working in Dr. Lee's research clinic. Dr. Lee's academic focus was on a combination of traditional therapies backed up by clinical research. She was making this compendium of traditional medicine that had to cross referenced with every single medicinal text from the early part of the Goryeo dynasty. It was a staggering task and it was Dr. Lee's life's work. I got a headache just thinking about the scope of her project.

She had an amazing green house on top of the laboratory where I could spend hours quietly tending to every plant. When Dr. Lee found out that I had a working knowledge of hamun, she doubled my hourly wage. The money was so useful. I could finally help my mom and my dad with bills around the house, especially since they wanted to put Nam Gil into a private school. I started to feel like I had a purpose again.

I loved working in the greenhouse, surrounding by the scents of all the exotic herbs that smelled like peace and home. Sometimes, Han Kyul would join me in the greenhouse to help me bag clippings. He would tell me about his new patients. Or new drama at the hospital between Dr. Han and Dr. Park. Han Kyul was convinced they were having some kind of affair they were trying to keep from the administration. As good as he was at being a neurologist, Dr. Choi was a shoddy lab tech and would almost ruin every single experiment that I tried to run. Eventually, I had to ban him from visiting me if he was going to taint my work. He looked hurt but he said he understood because he was also a doctor who loved his research.

In my second year, after class one day, Han Kyul left me a voicemail. I took two trains and a taxi across town before he got the airport. I saw him emerging out of his taxi just as I arrived. I tried calling his name but my mouth wasn't working so I started running. I ran as hard as I could, my scarf falling off and I bumped into several pissed off ajummas. I looked back and apologized profusely, but I kept running. He was going to leave for China for six month on a teaching assignment at Beijing University. When I finally got to Han Kyul, I couldn't talk.

"Ha Jin," Han Kyul reassured me. "I'm only gone for a little while. I'll be back."

I clutched the handkerchief he gave me when I first confessed my Goryeo memories to him. He looked at me as I cried and took my hand with the handkerchief and blotted the tears on my face himself. I told him that it took years, but that I did have feelings for him. I had them for a while. He smiled at me and caressed my hair. When he leaned in to kiss me, I felt warm all over. I kissed him back, the taste of mint on my lips. He whispered that he would be back in no time and that I had made him a happier man than he had ever imagined.

We were engaged.

I looked at my ring. It was a beautiful ring. Han Kyul's family owned Choi General and his mother was doting woman who liked to pass on family heirlooms. She was one of the rare chaebol moms that didn't seem like she came straight out of a drama. Mrs. Choi was blustery and fierce. She said exactly what was on her mind and expected everyone around her to do the same. She was involved in so many different kinds of philanthropic endeavors that I lost count. I could see where Han Kyul got it from. She took me out for weekly lunches whenever Han Kyul was out of town for trips and we became close.

One year of engagement quickly turned into two. Han Kyul never pressed for a date and I didn't press back. I was happy to be his fiancee. He was so good to me. He rescued me from my place of pain. When I saw his face, I felt at peace. He felt like safety and home.

Two years later, we were still engaged. My fiancee began to take on more responsibilities at his family's hospital. His mother wanted to become chairman of the board, but it was a largely political position. The Chois were the majority shareholder of the hospital, but it didn't meant that there wasn't powerful opposition. I tried helping Han Kyul in my own way, but he looked more and more stressed by how much time the hospital was taking from him. I knew he felt like it was his duty as the eldest son in the family to be entrusted with the Choi legacy. He smiled less often and he was abroad a lot more.

I was almost done with my Masters in traditional medicine; Dr. Lee was helping me to write my thesis on the 'regenerative properties of traditional Korean medicine as it applied to epidermal reconstruction.' It was a really fancy way of saying that in my second year, I happened upon an Goryeo text that talked about healing burns with the centella plant. I had a hunch that a healing property could very well have amazing anti-aging properties.

When the first phases of testing started, I was so discouraged. Everything failed across the board. About three months into running the same results, I was going to throw the towel in and write a new thesis from scratch.

"Han Kyul," I groaned into the phone. "When are you back from Hong Kong? I think I'm going crazy. How could I be so stupid? Everything I hypothesized was wrong!"

"Ha-Jin, research is difficult. You expect to find the result you want. That's not science. You have to discover the unexpected. Not what you're looking for."

"Why can't you tell me this in person?"

"I'm sorry Ha Jin." I could hear him smiling over the phone. "I have something for you when I get back in a month."

"Another month? I thought you said this trip was going to be short?"

"It's the board. They want to make sure I'm loyal to their demands. I promise, this will be the last long trip before our wedding."

I stayed silent, stewing angrily.

"Ha Jin?"

"I'm upset. I thought I you were coming back next week. That's fine. I'll just walk around the city looking sad. You know how pretty I look when I'm sad."

"Don't go out. Just stay home and look sad for me."

"I'm not doing that." I said cheekily and hung up on him.

True to my words, I did start walking around the city, looking especially poetic and sad. But I noticed at all the different buildings and the trees that had grown around the construction. I realized that the ancient world was not our world. So much had changed. Maybe I had to replicate some of the conditions from 1,000 years ago to get the full effect of the previously successful herbal therapy. When the realization hit me, I felt like a genius. I threw out all of my old results and started again. I adjusted oxygen and carbon of the greenhouse to the levels of preindustrial Goryeo. My test plants began flourishing and one day I saw a flower that I had never seen before the centella plant. I screeched and high fived everyone in lab that day.

The next six months were a blur of research and no sleep. I started spending my nights at the lab too, sleeping on the cots that Dr. Lee provided to to her graduate students. I knew I had a breakthrough on my hands.

In a week, I would present an oral argument for my thesis to the head of the entire department. I invited everyone I knew to come to my thesis defense. It wasn't going to be as exciting as a SNSD concert, but when else would I get to show everyone important in my life all my hard work? During my defense, I kept looking around for Han Kyul, he had promised to be there.

He wasn't.

I recovered well. I hit all my marks because I had been practicing my defense for a solid month. But seeing that empty chair still hurt. When I was done, I sat outside of the lecture hall where it took place and I slumped against the cool marble wall. It was finally over. Two years of hard work, scraping endless samples against a microscope, running cultures, being nose deep in manure samples, reading biochemistry textbooks until I thought my brain would bleed out of my ears. My eyes were completely dry and painful underneath my eyelids. I was exhausted.

"You did it, Go Han Jin." Dr. Lee grinned at me and I looked back at her in shock. I had done it? I had actually passed? My heart ballooned. I was a Master now! The feeling of elation overtook me, and I hugged my normally formal professor, but she didn't seem to mind and patted me awkwardly on the back.

A month after my thesis was presented, I got the strangest call from a Sulwhasoo headhunter. They had gotten my name from Dr. Lee and they were strongly interested in me. I was cautious about my chances of working with them, they were the premiere company for traditional Korean skincare. At my interview, I had a stack of notecards, ready for any line of questions they threw at me. But when I finally sat down in the meeting room, I looked down the shiny conference table and every single executive had a copy of my research in their hands. They were going to buy my research. Every single piece of it for more money than I had ever seen in my life. I was shocked. The money was huge. I could help my parents pay off their home. I could send Nam Gil to a good university. I was agog as each executive shook my hand warmly. They said that I was the future of the company.

It was incredible. In the span of a few years, I went from make-up counter girl to the head of my own company. And now I was planning my wedding to the man who helped me turn everything around. I missed Han Kyul.

Sulwhasoo made me a creative director of a subsidiary company they intended on launching in a year. They said that if my research really held true, then the products we'd develop would change the entire market place. I thought the anti-aging qualities of my research were nice, but what I really wanted to do was to find ways of healing scar tissue and burns that were transformative. I agreed to what they wanted as long as I got what I wanted; some time and money to do the research I thought could really help people. I decided that I wanted my line of skincare to have a youthful sounding name, so I settled on Patpat, for it's silliness, but also for the motion of applying serums to the face.

The company also asked me if I would be the face of my skincare line. I found it a strange request, but thought that if we could save some money on the models that it would be a good idea. I did have pretty clear skin, but that was probably more genetics than the products.

At my first photoshoot at the Lancome Studios, I was so uncomfortable. The lights were extremely hot and I was being posed like a doll for hours. I don't know how models did it. All these people fussing over me. Make-up assistants marveling over the texture of my skin. I didn't like the sleazy photographer either.

I asked for a woman photographer. Sulwhasoo balked but I assured them that a woman would take better photos of me. I knew I wasn't sexy and and this ahjussi photographer was being way too pushy with me. I was glad when it was all over. And when the photos came out, I looked about a thousand times better than I ever really looked in real life. Photoshop, people really ought to know how dangerous of a tool it was.

I was still in the office on a Friday night. Regretting every single executive decision I ever made because it seemed to make the debut of my new BB cream so much harder. The chemists never seemed to get it right. No one would ever beat my nose when it came to smelling out ingredients that were wrong. I rubbed my eyes and looked out the window and saw my billboard being put up by a team of commercial painters. It was surreal.

I turned away and refocused on the problem at hand. One of the binders wasn't working in the new composition and it was all my fault, because it was my idea to use a non-GMO based binder. My phone started exploding with texts. When I scrolled through all my birthday wishes, I smiled. There were so many people who cared about me. From my research team, to my secretary, and of course everyone I went to school with. The phone rang and I picked up the call from my fiancee.

"Hello darling, how are you?" His voice was the same, though I thought Han Kyul sounded tired.

"Where are you this week?"

"Macau. It's awful here. Like a Disneyland for gamblers." He paused. "Happy birthday, my love. I'm sorry I can't be there for your 28th birthday."

"It's alright. I was prepared when you told me."

"It's not okay. I am really cutting blocks of time into my schedule soon. After the wedding. I promise. I love you."

"Love you too. Sleep well okay? I know it was a long flight there." I hung up.

I did one last spin in my chair and I grabbed my purse and hopped into a cab. It was my birthday and fiancee or no fiancee I was going to do the thing I've had wanted to do for years.

After the I scanned the ticket at the turnstile, I felt apprehensive for the first time in a long time. I wasn't sure why I felt like I had to make this trip, but my wedding date was coming up in two months and I wanted to make sure of one thing before I walked down the aisle. I was the kind of person who would only marry once.

Once I settled into first class, I waved the snack cart girl over and bought all the junk food I loved to eat. Sometimes, being alone was just as much of a treat. My favorite was salty sweet dried squid. I loved how chewing on the tough protein made your mouth water. I enjoyed the longevity of the snack. I leaned my forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched Seoul disappear. The train left the gigantic city behind and I could see no more street lights and house lights disappearing like the trail of a sparkler. We were deep into the dark quiet country. The train sped through the night, rocking me to sleep.

I was drifting and dreaming. It was wonderful. I was on a boat, floating in the middle of lake. Someone was rowing and it was the warmest kind of sunshine my face. My eyes were closed, but I could smell the gardens. I could smell the water.

"Hae Su."

I screamed as I woke up. I hadn't dreamed of that voice in years. What was going on? The train attendant looked at me concerned, so I nervously bought four bottles of soju.

When we finally arrived in Buyeo station, it was morning. I rubbed my eyes and woke up to the train announcements. After I checked into my hotel and showered, I was ready.

I was ready to see Changdeokgung palace.

I told no one in my family where I was. I didn't even tell Han Kyul. I just knew that I had to see it. I wanted to see it to make sure that I had moved on. I didn't want room for doubt. If I was going to marry Han Kyul I had to see everything one last time to make sure it didn't have a hold on me anymore.

I took a deep breath and walked up to the palace steps and I half-expected myself to fall apart. I felt every muscle in my body tense up, the environment was so strange. But then suddenly, a huge tour group burst into applause behind me. Probably for someone's birthday. I relaxed when I saw families dragging their reluctant kids around for the cultural experience. It was a totally normal day and I was a totally normal tourist. So I squared my shoulders and walked through the dragon patterned tiles.

The palace was a place meant to dominate all visitors. You couldn't help but feel powerless when you were there. I marveled at the workmanship in the palace. Truly, it was an exquisitely beautiful place. Every single inch was touched by a craftsman of some kind. I looked up at the ceiling where the adjoining wood pieces were also painted in flower motifs. It was all so stunning. I was so relieved when I felt wonder and awe. I was just a tourist like any other person. I should have done this trip a long time ago.

I wandered around for hours, listening to people talk about the history of the palace. How many bloody regime changes had happened on the very steps I was standing. I shuddered. It was truly a horrible thing to live in those times. I don't know how anyone could stand it. I was glad to be a modern person, able to choose the basic things in life like who to love and where to live.

There was a small gallery set off the main plaza and not many people were there, so I decided to avoid the longer lines to see the throne room or the gardens. The gallery was dimly lit because all the artifacts were precious and over 1,000 years old, to protect everything from light damage. It seemed rather homely, the things they were displaying in glass cases. The exhibit was called, A Day In the Life.

I began reading about the person in the exhibit. She was some kind of servant who assisted the king in the palace. I grew bored with the explanation and just went to the glass cases. It was simple things, like the uniform she had to wear when she cleaned the palace. I went to another case, and it was the set of makeup she applied every day. At the third glass case, I was mystified. There was an arrow. What would a palace servant be doing with an arrow? Next to the arrow was a stack of letters, written in hamun. The plaque had a translation of the poem, but I didn't need it.

My heart started pounding, a hot rush of blood started in my chest and went into my head. My vision began to blur. I squeezed my eyes shut, but I could still see the pages. Pages and pages of the same poem. The poem I knew by heart.

Walking until

the water's edge,

I sit and watch

as clouds rise up and appear.

My entire body was buzzing. I blinked hard. I tried pinching myself, but it wouldn't go away. Those letters in front of my yes. I had those lines burned into my heart. I saw the arrow and I remembered how he threw himself in front of me to get me out of harm's' way. I remembered. Oh dear god I remembered. His eyes. His voice. His firm arm around my waist while we rode out to the ocean. The way he would wrap himself around me like he was a coat of armor. How he would never let me go. No matter what. He would never let me go. I heard a sob escape my chest.

I staggered back. There was no one in the gallery except me.

I sat down on the ground and wrapped my arms around myself. Everything fell apart in that instant. I knew that the entire last four years of my life had been a lie. I hadn't moved on. I just created a new version of myself. This new version was just fake identity I assumed to move on. The real me was still there, lingering from a thousand years in the past. I started to faint. The old pain was back. Everything rushed back in. The smells of Goryeo. Wang So's eyes. His scars. His hands. His hair. The mask. Our child. The rush of emotions racked my body in waves, I felt it most acutely in my chest where my heart was, but it felt like I was dying all over again.

"Su-ah." A clear voice spoke in my right ear. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. My tears immediately stop. I was in shock. That voice. As low and clear as it was one thousand years ago. Every single one of my nerves was screaming to flee. I turned around, shaking with fear. It couldn't be. How could it be?


	5. Protect and Serve

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CHAPTER 5 - Protect and Serve

It was three a.m. I couldn't sleep. All I could do was sit in the chair in my bedroom and stare out at the billboard across the street from my apartment. This had to be some kind of trick. She was there, 20 meters tall, looking through my window. Even the precision of digital transfer hadn't captured her as clearly as I had her in my mind. I haven't been able to stop staring. I went out for a run, trying to clear my head, but as soon as I got back, I sat on my balcony and stared at her for another hour. I swirled the whiskey around my mouth, welcoming the cold heat of the liquor that burned in my chest, but I still couldn't make sense of it all.

Every curve of her face was ingrained in my mind, but my mind's eye had never been translated to a physical reality. I frowned. I was a logical person. Everything my father had taught me, the military had taught me, dictated that I take action when I had enough information. This was a brand new puzzle piece in my chaotic memories. I tried to remember the first time that her face came to me. Almost more than ten years ago, I saw her for the first time. These were memories unlike anything else in my life. Taste, touch, smell were all included. I never told anyone, except my brother Seung Won. He had some ideas that it was a past life. Maybe, I thought. If we were lovers in a past life and I had memories of her. But why now, and why me? I only had endless questions instead of any answers. I turned back to the billboard and felt this unbearable sadness in my chest when I looked at her. This invisible grief from years ago was still acute in my chest. I wondered what happened between us.

My phone buzzed at a quarter to 0400. It was my father.

I put on my uniform and headed out towards the base directly outside of Seoul. I took the backroads that hugged the hills and curves of the city. I wanted a little more time to myself to think. I was at a loss. Clearly, the billboard was the biggest clue to the fractured memories in my brain. I had no indication in the last ten years that my memories were anything other than figments of my imagination. When I was lonely in Azerbaijan, they kept me company. Now that I was back in Seoul, I didn't know if I had the time or the emotional strength to really examine this mystery. Maybe it was best to set everything aside and resolve my personal issues later.

When I arrived at my father's office, it was nearly 0500. I saluted my father and he gestured so that I would be at ease.

"You're back." He nodded.

"Yes. I've only been back for a day."

"I'll let you extend your leave for another week. You should take a vacation after such a long assignment abroad."

"I don't need it, General. Seung Won is graduating soon and I do not want to miss his graduation walk from Seoul National University."

"Fine. Rest here, at home. I will send a private Wang in case you need assistance with personal matters. He can be your personal assistant for the week. I need you to be security detail for the President's motorcade in a month. It's a big job."

He handed me the stack of paperwork that had to be completed, the entire thing would not fit into a three ring binder. In national security, we did not care about trees. I took the stack and saluted my father and went back to the shared office.

No one was in the building yet, it was only my father and I. It was the preferred way that we worked, without anyone else around. I was still adjusting to the culture shock of being back in Seoul. When I went to the kitchen, I had to suppress my surprise that there were Korean brand coffees available. I gladly dumped three packets into one cup and made an impromptu espresso.

The temporary office was a grey space with almost no personality because it was meant as a holding pen for any military people who were en route to other assignments. At least there was a nice window facing the east so I could watch the sun rise. In a way, I was glad my father put me to work right away. I suppose we were more alike than different. He knew that I did not enjoy idling around, not having something to keep me busy. I remembered that as a child, even on vacation, my father always kept military white papers handy so he could advance his knowledge more. He was always restless. He never had much time for family, sitting around a dinner table and talking; maybe that's why my mother hated him so much.

I wondered why the President decided to hold a motorcade so close on the heels of the scandal she suffered recently. I was no fan of the current administration, but since I was responsible for national security, it didn't matter what my opinion was. She came from a political family and the old guard loved her.

I wondered if my father favored her too. She was a hawk and increased spending in the military, which of course, favored our family. Ostensibly, the motorcade parade was to celebrate the building of a recent dam on the Bukahn river, one of the largest public works projects to be completed in a decade. But I wondered about her motives, if this gesture of public celebration was all there was?

This motorcade was going to be a huge hydra of a problem. Examining the problem from every angle, I could only see the disadvantages. The president was deeply unpopular; she had been implicated in a scandal where kickbacks from campaign donors potentially lead to first position bidding on some of the larger national projects. It was especially galling because her father was seen as an unblemished political savior who helped to build many of the constructions projects during the Seoul Olympic. In our nation's history, the Olympics help put the current democratic administration in place. In one stroke of unity, we had the world's spotlight on us, and Seoul shone brightly during the '88 Olympics. I was only four years old at the time but I remember my father's impassive face during the student protests then too.

Her father was a hero. But his daughter? They called her dirty business. Since she was still our Commander-in-Chief, the military had to fall in line. I remember watching the KBS broadcast when I was still in Azerbaijan and being shocked by the turn out of the protest, more than 100,000 people turned out in the center of Seoul to protest against her corruption. I never participated in political activities when in my younger days, and I certainly couldn't do it now as a ranking member of the military.

I dug into my work. My father had placed a logistical nightmare on my desk. I had to plan a motorcade through the busiest streets of Seoul. Not only did I have to plan the route with the most safety, I would have to butt heads with grumpy city administrators and call for street closings. It wasn't enough to have one route, I'd have to come up with at least three backup routes in case any violent demonstrations could endanger the president's life. Route A took the president through the heart of Cheongdamdong, which was ideal for exposure, but the wider streets of the area also meant that more protestors could gather. Route B took us through Gangnam, where the base of her supporters were, but the streets often had warrens and unpredictable rooftop exposure. I didn't know where the hell Route C could be. I stared at the map of Seoul until it blurred in front of my eyes. There were so many pieces to fit together to make this work.

I sketched out the motorcade on the page: an entire fleet of motorcycle cops ride at the front of the motorcade, essentially responsible for sweeping the streets of any foreseeable threats, at least 100 meters in front of the president's vehicle. Behind the bike cops would be the first squadron of police cars, bomb sweepers as we called them. Their only purpose was to be two minutes ahead of the president's car to clear the way. I'd have to call in some favors with the local Seoul National Police SWAT team. After three lead cars would be the president's car. I would be embedded with the "secure package," an offshoot of security people who would swarm the president at any sign of danger and split off from the main motorcade to maintain her safety. I had a few idea who I could hire for the positions. I rubbed my eyes, it was going to be an extremely long day.

I was on the phone from 0600 until 2100 and I still wasn't done yet. My neck was stiff from the weird position I used to cradle the phone to my face. I finally checked my cell phone and I finally saw a missed call from my mother. For once, the green broken arrow was not me calling her and her not answering. There was also a text from Seung Won too, who wanted to meet in Gangnam for food in an hour. I had just enough time to change into the civilian clothes I kept in my car before heading out.

When I arrived at Jun Sik Dang, I knew my mother, Song Jin-Seong, was inside already. There was no way college student Seung Won would suggest this expensive looking glass box. I spotted my mother and Seung Won, dining under the yellow canopy that made everything glow in the restaurant. They were being served the appetizer course, which looked to me like an octopus tentacle curled on top of a tofu square; cold and decidedly unappetizing. I sat down just as my mother was cooing to Seung Won.

"Jun Ki-ah! Look at this, he made captain this year. Isn't that amazing?" She pinched Seung Won's cheeks and he looked at me sheepish.

"Yeh, Oma. It is. How are you?" I bowed politely.

"Aish, you know how it is in politics. One minute you're up, one minute you're down." My mother was every bit the shrewd woman. She once said to me there was a purpose to everyone. She did not mean it in the kindly way. She meant it only in the way that she had a purpose for everyone.

"How's your father?" She took a sip of her dirty martini. My mother favored western style drinks over the traditional Korean spirits.

"He's well. I saw him today."

"So he's back in Seoul." She took an extra long sip.

"Yes. For the time being."

"Is there anything important I should know about? Maybe as the Vice Mayor of Seoul?"

"I'm sure father will tell you when it's the right time."

Her eyes lit up and her nostrils flared. I knew that I had pissed her off. It was hard to get any sort of reaction from my mother when Seung Won was in the room, so I resorted to middle-child tactics, mainly getting a rise out of her instead of getting nothing.

"Jun-ki. There something I do need to talk to you about. Seung Won has just informed me that he will be marching in the student protests next week."

"It's his right as a citizen to peacefully assemble, Oma." I took a sip of the fresh leaf tea that the waitress set down.

"But Seung Won! It's so dangerous with all those leftists. You know some of them are pro-North Korea!" She implored, even going as far as shedding a single tear. The sarcastic side of me felt like her crocodile tears were over the top, but another side of me wished that she would fake cry for my safety. She barely communicated with me the three years I was away in Central Asia. I could tell that my mother was just trying to stoke fear in Seung Won and he looked discomforted too by the conversation.

"Each side has valid arguments, Oma. Let Seung Won decide on his own." My brother looked up at me. I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Otherwise, why did he go to University other than to use his brain?"

The waitress arrived with more courses. I guessed we were on a prix-fixe menu. My mother glared back at me; I was clearly not serving my function and there was nothing my mother hated more than people not serving her function. Seung Won glanced at me and I gave him a half smile which meant not to worry about the tension between Mother and I. I felt a little bad for him, he never understood why I had such animosity towards her.

"Hyung, I wanted to tell you about this girl I met at the Traditional Medicine Institute. She's older than me, about six years older."

"Aigoo, going after noonas already. You've barely graduated college. You'll have plenty of time for noonas later." I teased him.

"You don't understand, Hyun. She's beautiful. She's smart, she was getting her masters in Traditional Medicine. It's so funny, she can be so serious, like she's a thousand years old, but then goofy and funny at the same time." Seung Won sounded like he'd been smitten for months.

"Then bring her around. I'm sure mother and I can break any illusions she has about you."

"Oh no, it's not like that. We're just friends. I like looking after her. She's engaged to someone."

I frowned. "So you're just telling us about your friend?"

He looked down and smiled to himself, while pushing his food around his plate. I put a hand on his shoulder and shook him slightly.

"Aigoo, remember, being in love someone unobtainable is a foolish thing, Seung Won."

He laughed to himself and for the first time, Song Jin-Seong smiled at the both of us. I guess I finally served my purpose as the older brother, setting Seung Won's head on straight again.

After dinner, Seung Won made sure to give me his graduation tickets and made me promise that I would be there. I hugged my little brother. He was such a good kid. I felt a little guilty that I let my resentment with Oma overflow into the celebratory dinner we were suppose to have as a family. But that was the thing, we were a family of mismatched part; we didn't really go together.

When I got back to my apartment, I stretched and felt relaxed again. I was always so uncomfortable around my family. Flopping on the couch, I tried turning on the TV, watching some variety shows like Running Man or Three Meals a Day to put myself to sleep. It didn't work. It didn't help that her face was still there, right outside my window. Eventually, I turned off the TV, propped my feet up on the ends of my couch, sipped whiskey, and just gazed at my dream lover. It was strange that no woman in my life had ever affected me as much as that billboard. Seeing it for the first time felt like I just uncovered a piece of myself that had been lost. When I finally fell asleep, it was a vision of her, nude and writhing under me as she said my name over and over again. What was the name she called me? I couldn't hear it because I was too busy making love to her, filling her up with myself.

I woke up in the middle of the night, a little sticky from my dreams. I went into the shower and washed off. If it kept being this bad, I would have a difficult time explaining my situation to any girl who would want to get involved with me. Maybe I'll become a permanent bachelor.

The next three weeks were crucial planning for the Presidential motorcade. I was at the base for nearly twenty hours a day, so I decided to bunk up in the barracks until the entire thing was done. I finally had a good team in place, people I came up with at the military academy, and people who served with me on overseas missions. These were men I trusted with my life. They would absolutely do the job well.

When I got to the base that morning, I debrief everyone at 0400 so that they could begin securing the streets ahead of the motorcade. I grabbed all my tactical gear, strapped into my bulletproof vest and side arm, and put on a fitted suit over everything. It would not do to make the president look like she was surrounded by a bunch of soldiers entering a city.

Like she had been blessed by the gods, the President chose a great day for a motorcade. The skies were blue and the temperature was perfect. It would be both to our advantage and disadvantage. A great day meant that more of her supporters might be inclined to come out, but beautiful weather could also mean that more of her protestors would love the opportunity to really show her how they felt. I sat in the back of the van as we all got transported into the drop point.

My earpiece was plugged into central command and command followed the president's car in an armoured van. I was technically second-in-command since I was closest to the President and would not have bird's eye view. My commander was Park Sung-han, an ex-military official who had been serving faithfully in the SNP for the last five years to be closer to his family. I absolutely trusted him.

Park Sung-han was a tech savvy guy too and suggested that we fly a series of military grade drones over the tops of the buildings that were along the parade route. We would be able to get live video footage of any rooftop activities. Since the President decided on the wider Cheongdamdong route, we essentially had to verify all air space activity for safety.

I watched as the first group of motorcycle cops rolled away from the station. They were our first line of defense. Next came a fleet of Seoul Metropolitan police cars who would travel directly in front of the presidential motorcade.

"All clear. It's a beautiful day in Cheongdamdong." I heard Park Sun-han repeat in my ear piece.

"Don't be too cocky, Rooster. Over." Park Sung-han's call sign only had to do with his fondness for a pet rooster he kept overseas. When some punk kid enlistee cooked Sung-han's rooster, that was the moment I saw him closest to violence. Otherwise, Park Sung-han was as gentle as a baby chicken.

"Just telling you the news, Khazri. Over."

I chuckled to myself.

The President was in an open top convertible. She wore a bulletproof vest underneath her suit jacket too. She had insisted on a open-top vehicle. She told us that she did not want to look like she was scared of the protestors, that rather, she wanted to show that she was human like anyone else.

When the presidential car finally rolled out of the Seoul Police station, I sat next to the driver and watched the President through the rearview mirror. She didn't look at all perturbed by the possibility of any danger. I suppose once your father was killed by a close minister and your mother mistakenly assassinated, that no amount of horror could truly move you anymore.

As soon as we turned from Yeongdong Bridge from the north and started crossing the Han River, I grew more tense as we got closer to our destination. No matter how much I had planned and foresaw things, one mistake and everything could come crashing down. I had to do my job perfectly. The peace and stability that came with a legitimate presidency was something I cherished, even if I didn't agree with her on most issues.

"More protesters are gathering on the western side of Apgujeon-ro, Khazri. Over." Park Sun-han said in my ear.

"How many? Over."

"Not too many right now. I think a few hundred, Khazri. Over"

"Did you check social media?"

"Yeah. None of the young guys at the station said that there was any uptick on any platform."

"Secure Apujeon-ro. Have the motorcycle cops divert them to another street. The president is approaching in twenty-five minutes." I looked up again into the rear view and the President stared back me, unblinking.

When we finally entered Cheongdamdong on the main road, I immediately saw that traffic had slowed to a standstill on either side of the road. Giant throngs of people were gathered on both sides. There were many more protesters than Park Sung-han's initial estimate. I looked into the crowd, and it was impossible to see how many potential threats there could be. Thousands of people were lined up, holding huge signs for the president to step down. She didn't stand up in the motorcade, as is usually the tradition for popular political officials. She sat and looked out the window without emotion.

We finally passed the group of protestors and entered the heart of Cheongdamdong, where her core base of voters were. When she was finally greeted by cheerful signs exulting her presidency, she finally stood up and waved. I didn't feel bad for her. This was the life she had chosen. In a way, we were all victims of our own decisions.

"Khazri. We have an unconfirmed rooftop observer. He has a suspicious package. Stay alert. I repeat. Stay alert."

I flipped over the the front seat of the car and sat next to the president. I wrapped my arms around her head and had her duck into safety, out of the line of fire. She was quiet.

In my earpiece, I heard how Park Sun-han sent a SWAT team to the top of the building. We were approaching the area in only five minutes.

"Approach suspect with caution. Check for possible bomb detonators first." I heard in my ear piece.

I was so relieved that Park Sun-han had eyes on the situation.

I tightened the grip on the President's back. My adrenaline was running at a high speed. I glanced up at the building where the SWAT team had busted open the door and were quickly filling into the stairwell. The SWAT team seemed to make good time. They were trained for anything, but especially situations like this.

"Alright, Khazri. You can let the president go now. It was nudist protesting the latest in school uniforms." I could hear the weariness in Park Sun-han's voice. But I was in a good enough mood to tease him back. There would be no presidential assassination attempt today.

"Rooster, you have to keep your father out of local politics."

"Right, Khazri. You're right. Over."

We kept traveling east on the main road. I let Madam President out of my grip and she stood back up in the motorcade to wave at her constituents. I flipped back over to the front seat of the car and kept an eye on our surrounding. The motorcade kept creeping along, but now I started to feel a strange energy in the air. The people that were there at the beginning of the Yeongdong bridge seemed to have mobilized.

"Step Down, President! Step Down, President!" A man with a loud speaker screamed at us. She didn't flinch and continued waving. I saw the riot police push back people who were straining against the human chain formed by the police. It was teeming mass of people. I patted my side arm, reassured that it was there anytime I needed it.

"Corruption, Greed, and Monarchy! Get out of the Blue House!" To my surprise, I saw a group of middle-age women waving a gigantic banner directly in the view of the motorcade.

Their protest chants grew louder and louder against the music that the president insisted that we pipe into the crowds. Soon it was a roar: the cries of thousands of people. I saw young students, old people, all different kinds of social economic classes, passionate and furious with the state of the country. It was the first time I wondered if I was on the wrong side of history. I wondered if Seung Won was in the middle of this too.

Suddenly, our motorcade slowed down to a crawl. My eyes swept over to the right side of the street and several of the protestors parted and I saw the gap in the crowd.

Her.

It was her. She was standing in the middle of the clearing, wrapped in a pink coat, walking towards me. Her hair was short, cut into a brown bob, and it flew back with the wind.

The mouth, the eyes, everything was the same. I felt my heart suddenly hollow out.

All the noise around me deafened to a numbing roar. Everything was so slow. It felt like time had stopped. My heartbeat was in my head, a pounding louder than thunder. It couldn't be. All I knew is that she existed somewhere on the billboard, but there she was, staring back at me. She blinked once and the man standing behind her wrapped her up in his arms. She looked up at him and he kissed her full on the mouth.

"NO!" I heard myself cry out.

I knew it was her. It had to be her. There was no one else.

My earpiece suddenly crackled to life.

"Khazri, can you hear me! We have a confirmed sniper. We have confirmed sniper sighting. We are sending the SWAT team, but protect the president!"

"Stop the car!"

I moved instinctively and yanked the door on the president's side. I wrapped my upper body around her head and yanked her towards the armoured vehicle directly behind our car. Other security detail flooded out of the van and surrounded us so that the President was enclosed by a wall of bodies. In less than three seconds, she had a foot in the armored vehicle.

I saw the president inside the car and then felt my body being jerked back. I reached back to my neck and felt the warm blood gushing onto my hand.

I had been shot.

The bullet must have hit an artery. I was bleeding out. I opened my mouth to breath, but hot blood started pouring out of my mouth. I was choking on my own blood. It felt like like of rod of molten steel was sizzling under the base of my skull. The pain. It wouldn't stop.

Blue and red lights were everywhere. People surrounded me. Someone caught me on my way down to the asphalt. I could say nothing. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I heard the blood gurgling in my throat.

I couldn't close my eyes. I knew that if I did, I might never open them again. I remembered. I was in adrenaline shock from the bullet clipping my head but my brain started piecing itself together again. The girl in the crowd, the girl in my dreams, her name was Hae Su. I was a king, a thousand years ago, and I had fallen deeply in love with her. We were only teenager when we met, but she was the mother to our child. I loved her more than anything else in my life. I had killed. I killed so many people. In every way, I loved her. I swallowed poison for her. I was exiled for her. I became king so I could protect her. I could protect her from everything except my own cruelty and death. My brain was on fire. I remembered the searing grief of finding out about her death. That she had died without me. I lost her. I lost her a thousand years ago. I kept repeating her name under my breath.

"Su-ah. My Su-ah, I will find you."

The last thing I remembered before the oxygen mask was placed over my face was my daughter's face. She was the exactly the picture of her mother. I reached out, and she was gone.

I'd lost it all again. Everything. I'd lost it again.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. My Brother

**author note: would love to get some reviews!

 **Chapter 6 - My Brother**

Seung Won was running. His eyes were burning and the air in his chest stung like kerosene. He smelled the sourness of the chemicals before he saw the crush of people, running and scrambling over embankments, traffic barriers, even other people; some stood on newsstands and bus shelters to avoid the rushing crowd. He was too close the maddening herd, the moving stampede. From his vantage on the bridge, Seung Won saw his group of friends sprinting down the main street on Cheongdam-dong, splintering apart into smaller groups. Their pattern soon became chaotic and Seung Won lost them in the thousands of backpacks and headbands emblazoned with protest slogans. The riot police lined up, only a hundred meters away, their gear and helmets gleaming black in the sunlight of the perfect day. Seung Won swallowed his fear. The protests had always been peaceful before, but there was a vein of simmering violence through it all. People were enraged.

Only a few hours earlier, Seung Won and his friends had joined arms to block off a freeway on ramp. They needed to make a civil disturbance. The Seoul Metropolitan police immediately reacted. A freeway interrupted in Seoul, a city of 10 million people, was no joke. The roar of car horns, like a tsunami of sound, greeted them as the students slowly filled the freeway, human chain by human chain. But these cars didn't honk because they were irate; they honked in unison, in solidarity. The noise was overwhelming, a deafening blast of continuous sound. But the riot police came, the stormtroopers in heavy gear, armed with crowd dispersal weapons to inflict pain but not injury.

He knew what to do. Jumping down, he grabbed his backpack full of antacids and milk and joined the flowing crowd. There was a river of people rushing forward and he waited like a fish in a stream to join the flow. When he moved in a herd like this, Seung Won learned to pay attention to the pace of the crowd. Sometimes, one protester would sprint away only to have dozens more people take his speed to be a sign of impending police attacks. There was an erratic logic to it all.

The first tear gas cannon fired into the sky, a loud screaming, before it exploded about ten meters overhead. The smell was acrid like gunpowder, it reminded him of New Years' fireworks that he would set off with Jun Ki watching. His older brother always watched out for him, yelling at him if he got too close to a roman candle. Though Jun Ki had been away more than he had been with his family, Seung Won always felt like he was never out of reach.

Pulling his neckerchief onto his face, Seung Won's warm breath wet the fabric. About two demonstrations ago, he hung out with some older timers, the generation who came before, who had successfully overthrown the government of the 1980's. They were hard-faced and clear eyed; they had seen this before. The old protestors had so much to teach the younger protesters. They advised Seung Won and his friends on the brand of antacid that would combat the worst tear gas, they gave them fortitude and advice about what to do if they got arrested. Seung Won learned that tear gas causes panic and fear. And in a herd, such as he was in now, fear stricken people were no smarter than animals and the most natural reaction for the crowd of people would be to flee, no matter who was in their way.

A family was in front of him, he tried to pivot around them but the family sprawled and came back together like a beast with no head. He wasn't moving fast enough. In a choking breath, Seung Won realized that he was already too late. His mouth tasted like burnt ash and his chest tightened painfully, like a vice clamping his ribs together; he tried to stop breathing, but it was impossible because his lungs demanded oxygen to feed his sprinting legs. Even if he held his breath, the lactic acid build up in his muscles would burn and leave him slow and helpless. He was in full flight mode. Suddenly, he started choking. The saliva in his mouth tasted like fire, his own body was fighting him. Moving his tongue was painful. Sucking in air was painful. Everything burned. A thick load of phlegm caught in the back of his throat, choking him. The phlegm was the body trying to expel a toxic chemical. Seung Won felt his eyes squeezing shut. He couldn't afford blindness so he tried to pry them open again, but his tears were burning.

He ran, almost blind, into an alley and collapsed into small enclosure, each breath still burning. Doubling over, Seung painfully coughed, like he had black lung until the mucus shook out of his throat. He barely remembered what breathing without pain felt like.

He saw mothers grabbing their children, shielding them from the onslaught of the gas. Families were here. Seung Won felt the inhumanity of the moment. He felt like a rat jumping off a sinking ship. There were dozens of protesters like him, who were caught in the thick of it, bent in pain until the spasm of painful chemicals could pass.

Eventually, Seung Won felt a weird calm. This was the fourth time he had been gassed and he did not die. He had learned to manage his fear. He was free from the fear of pain. He had been through it and he could do it again.

"Oma!"

Seung Won spotted a child who stumbled to the ground and skinned his knees. Without breaking his pace, he snatched up the toddler and looked around for the mother, who was only a few paces behind.

"Come with me!" He yelled at the woman who hung on to his backpack as they kept pace with each other. They were in a frightening relay race where they both tried to outrun the crowd surging to meet them. His legs were burning, his eyes on fire, and the weight of the child was heavy in his arms.

Zigzagging through the group, Seung Won lead them to the northwest corner of Cheongdam Park, near a grove of bush that was out of the way. He set the little boy back into his mother's arms. He sat down at the base of the tree and poured milk over his face, the stinging of the chemicals dulling for a few seconds. He glanced over at the mother who was wiping away her son's tears. She caught his look.

"I know what you must be thinking. That I put my child in danger. But I came here because I wanted to show my children that people are the owner of this country, not the power holders."

"It's none of my business." Seung Won offered milk to the mother and she gratefully accepted, pouring it over her face and the little one's face. "Stay upwind, agahssi."

Only a block away, Seung Won spotted the sign that he and his friend, Jun Ho, had made yesterday. Jun Ho was still in the middle of the fleeing masses. Jumping up, Seung Won saw the back of Jun Ho's head, but there was just too many people. The sign kept moving forward so he followed the path.

"Jun-Ho!" Seung Won jumped onto his friends' back pack. "Where's everyone?"

Jun Ho turned around, relieved to see Seung Won.

"Listen, we gotta go back to Cheongdam Park. Sung Min and the others; they're performing in an hour and we have to help them set up." Jun-Ho was still a senior at Seoul National University; a year younger, but still wiser than Seung Won.

"They can't play right now. The pigs are all here." Seung Won frowned.

Jun Ho leveled a steady gaze. "It doesn't matter if we get arrested. We have to do what's right. They're going to give a voice to the people."

"Jun Ho, something bad is going to happen. The last four protests we've been to, I've never seen a stampeding crowd like this. And now, I'm not sure this is the best time for a protest concert. Look at this, the news isn't even covering what's happening. No one knows what's going on."

Seung Won pulled out his phone to show Jun Ho and noticed suddenly there were a dozen missed calls on his cellphone from the same unknown number. He pressed the button and the phone picked up immediately.

"Han Seung Won?"

"Yes, this is."

"This is Nurse Park at Choi General Hospital in Cheongdam-dong. I'm calling you because you are Han Jun Ki's emergency contact."

"What happened?"

"He's in critical condition, Mr. Han. He suffered a bullet wound to the neck."

Jun Ho saw his friend stagger back. When he hung up the phone, Seung Won's face looked like it had frozen in shock.

"Jun-Ho, I can't stay. My brother...he's...I can't. I'm sorry I can't help you."

Seung Won was running again. It felt like all day, he had done nothing but run. He was lucky that he grew up in Seoul and knew the streets like the back of his hand. But even with his hard earned city-boy status, Seung Won kept running into the police barricades that, unbeknownst to him, were set up by Jun Ki along the city for the president's motorcade. He took an alleyway that connected to a main street and was engulfed by another throng of people struggling against a mile of police buses, lined in front of city hall to prevent protesters from rallying. Every direction he went in, he was cut off.

"Fuck!" Seung Won was out of patience. He had to run almost three miles out of the way of the major intersections before he could hail a cab.

Throwing himself into the way of traffic, he finally got a white cab to screech to a halt. He shouted the hospital address to Choi General at the cabbie and got in. Looking in the taxi's rear view mirror, he realized he still had his protest headband on. He quickly shucked the thing off his head and stuffed it into the back pocket of the driver's seat.

"You were protesting?"

"Yes. Please get me to the hospital as soon as you can."

The cabbie nodded and took speedy turn down a side street. They were traveling on the backroads, the buildings whipping past them, signs blurring into a palette of colors he couldn't read anymore. Would Jun Ki survive? He knew that his brother was tough as hell, he spent years abroad in situations much more dangerous than he would ever care to elaborate to Seung Won, but this was in Korea and Seung Won felt like this hit close to home felt more devastating. Jun Ki wa suppose to be safe in Seoul, not in danger as he alway was.

"Young people always think they can cause a ruckus and change the world." The cabbie groused.

Seung Won barely heard him; he was frantically texting his father and mother. When he glanced up, he saw on the embedded LCD screen on the backseat of the cab displaying the massive crowd from protest. He answered the cabbie's unspoken question.

"It doesn't matter if I what I do today doesn't fix the problem. I know that I at least tried and I can live with myself."

"I think you will have a long hard life then, young man."

"Maybe. But I won't have regrets."

Tires screeching, the cab stopped short behind an ambulance at Choi General hospital. As he exited the cab, the driver paused and glanced at the stream of people entering the hospital.

"I hope, whoever it is you're here for, is all right. Life is too precious."

Seung Won was taken aback for a moment. Even for the people who didn't understand him, there was a thread of humanity that connected all of them. He nodded a thank you to the cabbie and tipped him an extra twenty percent on his tab.

Choi General was one of the largest hospitals in Seoul and today, the emergency room was filled to the max with people attending the same protest that Seung Won was in. He had to struggle around dozens of patients before finally reaching the front desk.

"I need a status on patient, Han Jun Ki. Please. He's my brother. I'm family. You have to let me know what's going on with him?"

The nurse tapped on her keyboard and glanced up at Seung Won with uncertainty.

"I'm so sorry, but Han Jun Ki is in the military wing of the hospital."

"Excuse me?"

"He's in top secret care and we do not have any information. I'm so sorry."

"You called me! Choi General called me to tell me that my brother was in critical condition. You're not going to let me see him? What kind of hospital is this?"

"I'm so sorry, but I have no record of who would have called you to refer you to the right person."

"Where is it? Where's the military wing?" Seung Won glared at the nurse.

"I cannot disclose that information." The nurse pressed her lips together in a thin line.

Out of the corner of his eye, Seung Won spotted a military uniform walking down an unmarked hallways.

"Mister?! Come back here, you can't just go in there!" The nurse grabbed her walkie talkie and paged security.

Seung Won thought, what was a few more rules being broken. He sprinted after the uniformed man. The magnetic doors were closing but he slid in a moment before the doors closed. He didn't get very far. Six men in black suits stood at attention as soon as Seung Won emerged through the door.

They grabbed him and threw him to the ground, his arms pinched behind his back by men who were more used to breaking bones.

"I'm sorry sir, this area is admissible personnel only. I invite you to leave."

"My brother's in there!" Seung Won yelled.

"Only ranking military people are allowed beyond this point. You have to leave." The biggest one of them all stepped forward and blocked Seung Won's view.

"I'm General Han's son!"

The men seem taken aback for a second. Whispering to one another, finally one of them made the call. They let him stand up, but Seung Won was still being held by two of the men, his arms painfully bent behind him.

"General Han wants to speak to you."

Seung Won felt a phone being pressed against his ear, his father's voice sounded tinny and far away.

"Seung Won."

"Abeoji."

"Is anyone with you?"

"No."

"Have you told anyone else about Jun Ki's condition?"

"No."

"Good. The secret service will let you in to see Jun Ki, but you must keep this incident secret at all cost. The hospital made a mistake and skipped protocol. You were not suppose to know. Jun Ki's life depends on it. I cannot guarantee his safety if this gets out. No one must know. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Abeoji."

"I will be there in three hours to take care of everything." His father hung up.

Seung Won felt the pressure release on his right arm and shook himself free. One of the men who held him down on the floor bent at the waist in apology. They led him to a small waiting room where there was only three folding chairs and a water cooler leaking onto the dingy linoleum floors. The secret military wing of the hospital was a no-frills place. Seung Won sunk into the seat and let his head rest against his knees. There was still no news of Jun-Ki. He was completely in the dark. And now, Abeoji had just introduced a new wrinkle. What the hell had happened? Seung Won always knew that Jun Ki and father were on top secret missions, but now to be family members who knew next to nothing. He hated the secrecy.

The hours ticked by, agonizingly slow. Seung Won didn't have cell service deep within the military wing of the hospital. He could only count the minutes dragging by, slower than any microeconomics lecture he had to sit through. Seung Won was troubled. What did it mean that Jun Ki's shooting had to be kept a secret? Would he ever know the complete truth about his father, or his brother?

Winding his fingers together, Seung Won couldn't shake this feeling that the situation was much worse than he knew. There wasn't another person in the waiting room; the stillness of waiting drove him nuts. He remembered that when he was six year old, he loved to wander the streets of their old neighborhood, losing himself in convenience stores and neighbor houses, until his mother, Jin-Seong, sent an entire fleet of police officers to look for him. One time, he followed a black and white puppy down a blind alley and tumbled down an abandoned sewer shaft. He got the breath knocked out of him and when he finally woke up, he tried to climb out. He remembered holding himself in the dry darkness of the shaft, looking upward at the blue sky, wishing for wings so he could fly himself out of trouble. The walls of the sewer shaft were mossy and difficult to grip. He scrambled up the wall and fell half a dozen times before he gave up, his knees skinned into a bloody mess. Licking his upper lip, he tasted the the salty snot that was pouring out of his nose; he hadn't stopped crying for an hour. He wished he hadn't run away from Jun Ki yet again. His stomach was uncomfortably rumbling and he was so scared for the night time, when the sky would be no longer blue, but black, and everyone would have forgotten about Seung Won.

"Seung Won! Seung Won, where are you?!"

When he heard his brother, who was twelve at the time, shouting for him. He screamed back. He was so relieved that it was Jun Ki and not his mother who found him. He felt badly enough already. He saw Jun Ki's head peer into the black hole.

"Hold on, Seung Won. I'll get help!"

"Hyung! I'm so scared."

"Don't be scared. When you come out, I will buy you all the candy you want to eat. Okay?"

"Please don't leave me, hyung!"

"I'll be right back. I promise I'll be back."

Seung Won sighed to himself and muttered to no one in particular.

"You always promised to come back. Don't you dare stop now."

He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed his fingers against his temple, where the residual gas pains were pounding in his head. It felt like a cage of loose gorillas in his brain.

Seung Won felt worse than ever, he considered calling his mother, but there was no cell service. He then thought better of it. It was always better not to involve his mother when it came to things like this. She always had a way of making it worse. Even though Seung Won loved his Oma deeply, she treated him like he was her sun, even he was perceptive enough as a child to notice how deep the rift was between his mother and Jun Ki. Even with that sewer rescue, Jun Ki got a group of men to lower a ladder into the sewer and extracted Seung Won. When they arrived home, Jin-Jeong took one look at Seung Won's bloody knees and slapped Jun Ki, hard in the face. Jun Ki stumbled back against the kitchen by the the force of her blow.

Seung Won froze at the moment when his mother struck his brother. He didn't know what to do. This was the first time he witnessed such a thing. His Oma, up to this point, had nothing but smiles, hugs, and soothing encouragements. He thought that his mother was the most beautiful, kind, perfectly good person in his life. Jun Ki had stood in stony silence, with a bright red handprint on his left cheek. He didn't cry. Jun Ki didn't say anything. Seung Won had pulled the candy out of his mouth and tried to give it to his brother, but his hyung kept looking at the floor like it was made out of nintendo game cartridges. Later Seung Won realized that Jun Ki had retreated into himself, a technique he used often in the face of Oma's mood swings. By the time Seung Won was aware of their family problems, his father was already long gone, on missions as far away from his wife as possible. His mother and his brother, nothing was peaceful until Jun Ki walked out of the house one day and never came back. He left for the military at eighteen.

After two hours, Seung Won's head snapped up when the door to the waiting room swung open. A doctor in clean scrubs made eye contact with Seung Won; when he made a motion to stand, she waved him off and sat next to him.

"My name is Dr. Im." She shook his hand. Dr. Im had a dry and cool handshake. "You must be Han Jun-Ki's little brother."

Seung Won nodded numbly. He tried to read the doctor's expression, but her face was the picture of placid empathy. Her large eyes revealed nothing.

"Your brother suffered a bullet wound in the lower neck area. He's lost a lot of blood because the bullet nicked his carotid artery."

She paused and looked at him steadily.

"He's lucky because the bullet did not hit his spine or his trachea. But, I want to emphasize to you that his condition is dire and I do not want to lie to you."

"What do you mean?"

"The blood transfusion we're giving him hasn't been working. He's AB negative, the rarest blood type, but his body is rejecting the supply we have at the hospital. He will die if we don't find another source of blood."

Seung Won's stomach sank. What could the doctors do at this point if Jun Ki's body rejected the transfusion blood?

"Do you have the same blood type as your brother?" The doctor asked gently.

"Yeh. We do."

"Will you donate some blood to your brother?" Seung Won nodded.

Seung Won was taken to a nondescript examination room and hooked up to an IV bag. With a deep breath, Seung Won tried to concentrate on anything but the needle. He hated needles; the shiny metal, the unexpected pain; the thing was designed to harm people. The nurse came in after a few short minutes of waiting and started the process of blood donation. He watched as his blood sped through the tubes connected from his arm to the empty bag. It filled up slowly and he clenched his fist, willing the blood to fill the bag faster. Seung Won regretted that he did not get to the hospital any sooner. If he were only here a few hours earlier, if he wasn't at the protest, maybe Jun Ki would closer to life than death. He glanced at the nurse, who seemed friendly enough.

"What are the chances of my brother surviving this?"

"I'm not sure. He's still in critical condition. The doctors are doing everything they can." She withdrew the needle and sealed up the transfusion pack. "You should go to the hospital cafeteria. I took nearly a pint and half and you will need to eat. There's no need to wait here. I will come get you as soon as things change."

Seung Won stood in line at the cafeteria, swaying a little on his feet and feeling lightheaded. The lights were too bright for his eyes. He felt completely numb. This horrifying day. He had so little information. Grabbing a metal tray, he went through the hot buffet line and scooped up as much rice and meat as he could. The cashier looked at him sympathetically; after all, a young man in misery at a hospital could not be waiting to hear good news.

When he stepped out of the line to look for a table, he recognized Ha Jin in the far corner. She was on the other side of the cafeteria, eating with her fiance, Dr. Choi. Seung Won remembered Ha Jin introducing him to Dr. Choi and he remember the jealousy that he felt when Dr. Choi easily wrapped his arm around Ha Jin's shoulder and kissed her on the forehead. Seung Won knew that he was too young and that Ha Jin only saw him as her little brother. Still, it didn't stop smarting that he had been crushing on her quietly for a year.

At this moment, he had no wish to put himself through the wringer, so he ducked behind a pillar and sat out of sight. Shoveling the food in his mouth, Seung Won tasted nothing. Hospital food wasn't great, but at least he felt his blood sugar starting to rise.

He felt someone looking at him and turned around.

"Seung Won?" Ha Jin had her arms crossed. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the food." Seung Won was sheepish that he had been caught.

"Aigoo, doubtful." Ha Jin smiled. "I hope you're not here to see anyone. Oh, you have a bandaid on your arm." She pointed at his wrapped upper arm.

"Just gave some blood." He remembered his father's warning.

"That's very good! You know most people only give blood during blood drives, but did you know that blood goes bad? Like meat or like dairy." She patted him on the arm. "You're a really thoughtful person."

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, there's my fiance." She waved to Han Kyul, who strode across the cafeteria and approached them. Seung Won was annoyed by how tall and commanding he was. Han Kyul greeted Seung Won and placed his arm around Han Jin.

"This is Seung Won, you remember?"

"You are Ha Jin's friend from the university? We've met before."

"We got to the hospital late because of the protests." Ha Jin smiled up at her fiancee. "He's leaving me for a month. So this is the last time I get to see him before his flight."

"I'm not leaving you, Ha Jin. I'd be a fool to leave you" Han Kyul grinned at Seung Won, who didn't smile back. "I'm sorry, but I have to get a few things from my office before I leave today. Stay and visit with Seung Won. I'll come get you when I'm done."

Ha Jin waited until Han Kyul was out of earshot before she sat next to Seung Won and quirked up an eyebrow.

"Seung Won, I hope he's alright. It's your brother who's in the military right?"

"How did you-?"

"You have a military wing pass on your shirt. You told me last time that your brother was coming home from an overseas assignment. I'm assuming you didn't just come to the hospital to donate blood to the military right?"

"Yeah."

"Is he alright?" Ha Jin's wide eyes looked worried at her friend. Seung Won reminded her so much of a grown-up Nam Gil. She always had an urge to make sure he was doing okay.

"I can't really talk about it." Seung Won was mixing the rice into his soup, watching the swirl of grains in the liquid.

Ha Jin took out a bottle from her purse and handed it to Seung Won. "It's anti-anxiety medication. Take some."

"Why do you carry this around with you?"

"After my accident, I had bad panic attacks. And I couldn't really be in public without them coming on. This helped. I carry them as insurance." She smiled reassuringly at him.

Seung Won always felt like she understood him deeply, even if there was no way she knew what was happening.

"Take them. Besides, I have an in with a doctor." She winked at him, but then became sober again. "Seung Won, this hospital is really good. I was a patient here too. They'll do everything in their power to save your brother."

"Thank you." Seung Won swallowed a spoonful of rice. "I'll be okay."

"Oh, when is your graduation? I want to see you walk."

"It's in two weeks."

"Are you going to give me a ticket or do I have to beg?" Ha Jin pretended to pout.

"Aish, I couldn't ask a CEO to come to my graduation." Seung Won finally smiled when he saw her expression.

"Pfft, what kind of friend would I be if I missed something this big?"

Seung Won noticed a nurse making a beeline for them and he immediately stood up, almost knocking over his tray of food. Ha Jin saw the rapidly approaching man in scrubs too.

"Do you want me to stay?" She pushed the tray back from the edge.

"No. I have to hear this on my own."

Ha Jin nodded and reached out and squeezed his shoulders affectionately.

"Call me if you need me." She spun around and walked away. When she looked back, Seung Won's face was serious. Ha Jin felt her hands get cold and clammy, but shook off the feeling. It was weird that she was reacting to Seung Won's personal tragedy like this, after all she knew next to nothing about his family other than the fact his older brother was in the military.

Seung Won nodded numbly when the nurse relayed the information. Jun Ki accepted his blood transfusion. Now it was a matter time. They would have to wait to see if the surgery to repair the torn carotid artery in his neck was successful. His situation was still touch and go.

"You should go home. There nothing you can do right now." The nurse knew that it would be days before they actually knew any thing that was going on. "We will monitor your brother as closely as we can. If there are any changes, we will contact you."

Seung Won watched the nurse's retreating figure out of the cafeteria. He wanted to talk to someone, anyone. But he remembered his father's warning.

All at once, the cafeteria exploded into activity and startled Seung Won. Reporters start flowing into the cafeteria. Women in nipped suits, cameramen, cub reporters were all rushing around a foci of activity. Seung Won tried to stand back, what the heck was going on?

Through the open doors, Song Jin-Jeong strode in with her entourage of mayoral aides and assistants. She wore her press conference jacket, a black fitted blazer with a cerulean collar that looked great on camera.

"Over there! I want to be interviewed by the window." Jin-Jeong waved the cameraman over to the more flattering lighting. She was used to being in charge.

"This is Song Jin-Jeong, the Vice Mayor of Seoul, here to address the protests that have been happening in our city." Seung Won recognized the reporter from MBC Nightly News.

Clamoring for Song Jin-Jeong's attention, the reporters waited until she took her place behind a counter top which served as a de facto podium. She beamed in the face of all this attention; she knew the optics of this situation was going to look very good for her next bid for Mayor of Seoul. She held up a hand and immediately, a gaggle of microphones appeared under her face, there to broadcast her words. Every single network had their camera trained on her. She took a deep breath and paused for effect, glancing meaningfully at every lens. She was going connect to the people, whether they liked it or not.

"I am at Choi General Hospital right now, where my son is recovering for a bullet wound that he suffered during the protest." She announced. The news people gasped and a flurry of questions exploded. Gun violence was extremely rare in Korea, and the protests up to this point had been peaceful. Was this a turn for the worst? Was the protest a sign of larger forces at play? Who was responsible? The journalist shouted amongst themselves, jockeying for a closer position to Song Jin-Jeong.

Seung Won felt bile rise up in his stomach. How could his mother economize on the tragedy of her son's shooting? He regretted texting her that Jun Ki had been shot in the cab on the way over to the hospital. Seung Won felt ugly fear take over. He was responsible. He would be responsible if anything happened to his brother and if his mother kept wrecking havoc, exposing Jun Ki's vulnerabilities when Abeoji explicit said that he would not be safe if the news got out. There she was, announcing to the world! Seung Won felt the anger rise up in his chest.

"We have to ensure that the citizen of Seoul are safe above all else! These protests have to be peaceful. What we have are extreme leftist group who are taking advantage of the chaos; endangering our safety. They are terrorists. As the Vice Mayor of Seoul I pledge to take these dangerous criminals down."

"Do you mean that the student protests have been infiltrated by a terrorist faction?" The reporter from SBS frowned at Jin-Jeong.

"My son has been shot. I don't think I can say it any clearer. Next question." She pointed at the blogger for the Associate Press Korea.

"We just got word that you have three sons Vice Mayor Song. Which one was shot?"

"My three sons are the shining citizens of Korea. My eldest is the deputy mayor of Busan. My second is a Corporal in the Korean National Army and my third is a college student who is about to graduate. We serve our country. That's why to have my second son be gunned down in broad daylight makes me doubt the intention of these protestors. There is a peaceful way to assemble and uphold democratic resistance, but these people are the criminals."

Jin-Jeong's voice cracked and she blotted the handkerchief in her hand.

"Imagine how I felt when I heard about my son? A mother should never seen the blood of her son."

"Is this your son?" The AP reporter held up a tablet which played video of a man standing on top of a small structure.

Seung Won recognized the footage immediately. It was him, on top of a bus shelter, waving a protest sign. Jun Ho was in frame too. The footage wasn't from the protest of today, but from a few weeks ago. Seung Won felt his sick to his stomach.

"That is not important." Jin-Jeong was every inch the politician and she refused to budge or be cornered into a question she didn't have the answers for. "The important thing is that these protests are like candles. Candles are candles. They will just go out with a gust of wind. The question is, how much more do we have to suffer?"

Seung Won felt disgust for his mother for the first time in his life. She didn't come to the hospital to see Jun Ki, she came to the hospital for maximum media impact. She wanted to appear on camera as a grieving mother, thus endearing to the hearts and minds of millions of people watching the nightly news.

From across room, Seung Won finally made eye contact with his mother. She nodded at him dismissively and tilted her head to indicate that he should go, lest a reporter spot him and corner him with questions. Seung Won pressed his back against the door and he was about to run down the hallway when he saw that the corridor was filled with government men in black suits. They pushed past him back into the cafeteria.

It was General Han.

Like a group of ground hogs hearing the cry of a hawk, all the reporters turned around when they spotted General Han.

"General Han! What is the meaning of the army being at this hospital? Is the shooting confirmed? Do we have terrorists in this country?" The questions didn't stop, and instead rose into a deafening clamor.

General Han walked to where his wife was standing. He glanced at her with his cool gaze before she moved over. Taking her place, General Han waved to all the reporters to calm down.

"The Korean National Army has investigated the situation. Unfortunately, Vice Mayor Song Jin-Jeong received some outdated information. I can confirm that there was no shooting."

Jin-Jeong's clenched her jaw. She had no idea what General Han was trying to pull.

"That is the end of my statement. Vice Mayor Song Jin-Jeong and I need to discuss more security details. Please excuse us." He stopped talking and gestured for Jin-Jeong to follow him. One of the black suited men grabbed Seung Won and started escorting him after his father and mother.

After they were ushered back into the military wing of the hospital, General Han and his wife sat in silence in one of the empty offices. Seung Won could see through the window in the door that they were having a tense conversation. Jin Jeong was twisting her scarf in her hands and his father's face was set in stone. He wasn't privy to any of it. Seung Won sat outside and waited for the adults to work it out. The secrecy, it killed him.

Seung Won walked out of the waiting room and started wandering the halls. He was so restless. He saw a familiar figure a few feet away, running towards him. He realized it was Dr. Im.

"Han Seung Won? Your brother is awake. Come with me!"

Seung Won ran behind Dr. Im; he felt hope lighten his carriage. Thank god. Jun Ki was conscious, it was probably a miracle only he could survive getting shot in the neck. Then again, Seung Won only knew his brother as a miracle worker.

When they arrived in Jun Ki's room, to Seung Won's surprise, Han Kyul was there at Jun Ki's bedside too, checking over his chart.

"I know you must be wondering why I'm here, Seung Won." Han Kyul patted him on the shoulder. "Ha Jin said that if I had time before my flight, I should come see your brother to make sure he's getting the best care."

"Oh, thank you, Dr. Choi." Suddenly, Seung Won felt very silly when he realized that Dr. Choi was the Choi of Choi General.

Looking down at his brother, Jun Ki looked like he had been run over by a truck. He had facial lacerations all over and a massive bandages over his neck. The beeping of the EKG was bright and steady. It was reassuring. Jun Ki had one eye slightly open, the other one was swollen.

"Seung Won." He rasped out.

"Hyung. You came back."

"I promised, right?" He smiled painfully. "I remembered her name. The girl."

Seung Won frowned. Jun Ki couldn't possibly be still talking about the girl he had visions about from ten years ago, could he?

"Her name is Hae Su."

"What did you say?" It was Han Kyul's turn to stare at Jun Ki.

"Hae Su. Where is Hae Su?" Jun Ki jerked upright in his hospital gown and tried to rip the IVs out of his arms. Seung Won stopped him.

"Stop it, hyung! You have to recover."

Han Kyul stopped cold. He knew that name. He had heard the name before. It was Ha Jin's name. When she finally confessed her Goryeo memories to him, she referred to herself as Hae Su. It couldn't be. How could this man know his fiance's memories? Did they know each other? He felt a ice cold stab in his gut. Han Kyul slid his fists into his lab coat so that no one could see that he was clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles were bone white.

Taking in Han Kyul's expression, Jun Ki focused on the strangely tense man.

"You know her, don't you?"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	7. Reunion

**CHAPTER 7 - REUNION**

"You know her, don't you?"

Jun Ki frowned at the doctor in front him. He looked familiar, but he couldn't really pinpoint why; maybe it was the lab coats, it made them all look the same.

Han Kyul cleared his throat.

"Han Jun Ki, I'm your attending physician, Dr. Im, Orthopedic Spinal surgeon."

She stepped forward and shined a light in his eyes, the brightness shooting sharpness into his eyes. "You were shot below the carotid artery, where a bullet fragment nicked a section of your blood vessel. You were lucky that your little brother was nearby to make sure that your blood transfusion was successful. You seem to be recovering well, but I don't want to take any chances. I'm going to recommend that you spend the rest of this week in the hospital for observation."

"I want to ask this doctor a question."

Han Kyul had calmed down and an placid, impenetrable mask was in place; the mask that Han Kyul wore in front of stakeholders and people who wanted to ferret out his vulnerabilities for their own gain. He gazed coolly back at Jun Ki, there was nothing to be afraid of. It was just a coincidence. Hae Su was a common enough name. There was no reason to believe that this man had anything to do with his fiancee. It would be illogical to believe anything else. He was a man who operated by science, facts, and logic. He shifted his shoulders and remember General Han's instructions.

"Yes. I'm Dr. Choi Han-Kyul." He held out a hand and smiled warmly at Jun Ki. Jun Ki noticed that Han Kyul's handshake was tight; they locked eyes. "Do you have any questions about your condition?"

"No. I'll be fine. You seemed startled when I said the name, Hae Su. Is this someone you know?" Jun Ki didn't blink or let go of Han Kyul's hand.

"It's just the name of a friend who passed away." Han Kyul felt the lie slip out of his mouth like butter. All those years of performing for the businessmen who demanded answers, shareholders who needed better numbers, or his father who expected only answers, not questions, Han Kyul got gotten exceptionally good at hiding himself. He wondered why he felt the need to lie. It was insurance, in a way. He carefully wrote on the Han Jun Ki's medical chart.

Jun Ki chewed on his inner cheek. It was not the answer he was hoping for. It was too much to hope for that his Hae Su would appear in the middle of the day and he could find her again so easily. He shook his head.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Dr. Choi. Dr. Im, thank you for your excellent care, but I cannot stay in the hospital tonight."

Dr. Im raised an eyebrow, she had never seen anyone recover so quickly from a bullet wound. Or more accurately, claimed to be recovered for a gunshot wound.

"I will not discharge you, Han Jun Ki." She glanced over at Seung Won. "I think your brother would agree with me that you need to recover. I can't emphasize to you how important the next 72 hours are going to be. We're going to need to wake you up every 4 hours to make sure there are no residual damage. You could still be concussed too, as a result of falling because of the bullet wound. I'm sorry. You're not going home."

"Hyung, Mother and father are here too! I'm going to get them." Seung Won ducked out of the room and went searching for General Han and Song Jin-Jeong. Jun Ki looked at his brother's back, disappearing through the doorway to bring mayhem to his hospital bed. He did not want to see neither mother nor father. Together? Even worse.

"I'm going to confer with Dr. Im about your case. Do you mind if we step outside?" Dr. Choi gestured with Jun Ki's chart. Jun Ki nodded and closed his eyes again, gathering himself for the maelstrom of family drama, his mother would reiterate past sins and General Han would ignore them. Jun Ki could almost do the play by play. The burst of emotion and energy of remembering that Hae Su was alive left him. He was alone in the hospital room, waiting for a disaster.

He felt so restless. He had finally seen her and now it felt like just another dream. Did he even really see what he thought was real? He only really saw her for a split second before the Park Sun-han alerted him to the possible sniper activity, which became a very real bullet in his neck. Reality and fantasy were blending together. The only strange thing about this day dream-if it was even a day dream-is that this Hae Su looked modern. At least he knew her name now. She looked like she belonged in his time. Maybe there was a chance after all. But he would have to wait until he understood what his father's game plan was. With an attempted presidential assassination, Jun Ki thought that his father might be enacting several phases of an intelligence stoppage, one of which would be to eliminate ulterior sources of information, unfortunately for him, Jun Ki was now such a source, unless no one knew that he was shot?

Han Kyul led Dr. Im outside the room. Glancing down at the notes she'd been scribbling in, he saw that she had made almost a dozen recommendations. Dr. Im was a precise doctor. She recommended a week of hospital stay, which included evaluation and physical therapy.

"I would recommend two weeks, Dr. Im." Han Kyul made some additional annotations.

Han Kyul's trip was only going to be a week long and he would be back at the hospital in time to check back on Jun Ki. General Han pulled him aside as soon as Han Kyul arrived at the hospital. The General was terse, so it was difficult to suss out the gravity of what he wanted. He wanted keep Jun Ki in the hospital at all costs. Only Han Kyul and a few other high ranking military officials knew that there was an attempt on the President's life.

"You're a neurologist." Dr. Im bristled a little bit. "I'm the spinal surgeon in charge here."

"Han Jun Ki is a corporal in the Korean Army, his father is one of the highest ranking military officials we've ever had at the hospital, his mother is the Vice Mayor of Seoul, do you blame me for making sure all precautions are taken? I would post some extra guards around his room too."

"It already looks like Men in Black here." Dr. Im gestured to the security detail with about six men deep on either side of Jun Ki's hospital door.

"Make sure he doesn't leave the hospital until I get back. Don't you have a review coming up?" Han Kyul quietly said.

"Do you mean that my review could be-?"

"No. I would never jeopardize a talented doctor's review, but in this situation, it might be best to listen to the advice of a Choi." He glanced at his watch. "I have a plane to catch to Macau. I trust you with this task."

Dr. Im nodded numbly. She didn't understand why Dr. Choi insisted on an extended stay for the Corporal. Of course, he was recovering from a serious injury, but he was recovering very well by all accounts. Maybe she could prescribe some physical therapy in case there were any real recovery issues, it would certainly keep the army man occupied.

Han Kyul waited in the elevator to the fifteenth floor of the hospital and walked into his office. It was already early evening and he looked in the corner of his office where Ha Jin had curled up into a chair and fallen asleep. Her skin was lit by the desklamp and she glowed a creamy gold color, her long thick lashes casting shadows onto her face. She was so heart stoppingly beautiful; Han Kyul berated himself for neglecting Ha Jin. He wanted to do better in the future. He wanted to be there for her. He regretted his absence, but like most people who hoped for the best, he wanted to make it up to her. He wouldn't be always globe-trotting like this, away from months, with only his voice to keep her company. He felt so torn. His heart was with Ha Jin, but his mind and body had to serve Choi General. The burden of responsibility weighed heavy.

He knelt close to the chair and leaned in close and gently stroked her cheek. She stirred, squeezing her eyes and woke up stretching, smiling broadly at her fiancee.

"Did you get your work done?" He gestured to the pile of reports in front of her.

"Kind of. I'm still stumped by this BB cream problem." She opened her arms, reaching for him and wrapped herself around his neck, breathing in the Han Kyul smell. She rubbed her cheek into scratchy skin around his chin, he closed his eyes. He held her, the feeling of Ha Jin was like no other. She felt like warmth and home. He missed her intensely whenever he was away and the fool that he was, he was away more often than here, in front of her.

She sighed and enjoyed his smell of expensive herbal soap, he was forever getting gifted these things as a hospital executive. He rose up and Ha Jin didn't let go. She stood on the chair and leaned her forehead against his, it was rare for her to be taller than him.

"Stay here." She said, her voice still husky from sleep. "There's nothing for you in Macau. Your fiancee has barely seen you in the last six months."

Han Kyul groaned. Ha Jin could be so persuasive when she wanted to be.

"Don't you have a giant demo to take care of tomorrow?" He gave her a quick kiss.

"Mmm. I do." Ha Jin smiled against his kiss. "But-" She let her hands drift to his chest.

"But I have a flight that's leaving in ninety-minutes."

"Always so practical, Han-Kyul." Ha Jin sighed. She let him go and padded over to his desk, where there was another stack of her papers. "Oh, was Seung Won's brother okay?"

"He's recovering now."

"He's a military man right?"

"I can't say too much about it. Doctor patient confidentiality."

"Oo, a man with secrets." Ha Jin quirked an eyebrow at him. "I hate secrets, Han Kyul."

"What if they were a matter of national safety?" Han Kyul chuckled and looked around to pack his remaining suitcase, which still needed to be packed full of his electronics, the ipad, the laptop.

"Even then, I hate secrets." Ha Jin shrugged. "Dr. Choi. I trust you. And thank you for taking care of Seung Won's no-name top-secret military brother." She gave him a fake salute.

"It was no trouble." Han Kyul looked her bent over and frowning at her work again. "You don't ask for very much Ha Jin."

"Hmm?"

"You don't ask for a lot. This is one of the few times you asked me for a favor." He was puzzling this out. "I've never been with a woman who didn't demand things all the time."

"Aish, you're flattering me." Ha Jin took his hand in hers. "You gave me something I didn't even know how to ask for. You gave me my life back."

"You know he has a crush on you right?"

"Who?"

"Seung Won." He grinned at her. "I probably had the same dumb puppy expression on my face before we started dating."

"He needs someone his own age." Ha Jin shook off Han Kyul's assessment. "I am an old soul, very poorly suited to young men."

"Does that mean I'm old?" Han Kyul teased back.

"I'd rather you be a thousand years old. That's when men really mature." She grabbed her coat and handed him his coat sadly. She gave him a tight smile which meant that she wasn't happy. Han Kyul sighed and held her face with his hands.

"I'll be back. I promise before your twenty-eighth birthday."

"Okay. You promised." Ha Jin sighed and gathered all of her things. "I'll ride with you to the airport and then go home. Okay?"

Turning off the lights in his office, Han Kyul held her waist as they walked out of the building. They'd been together for years, the couple shorthand of body and language were all there. Han Kyul knew how to walk to accomodate for Ha Jin's shorter legs when they strolled as one. She leaned against him, savoring the physical closeness with her fiance. The first snow was starting in Seoul already. The sky was inky black, but there were already great puffs of the white stuff coming down. She loved first snow.

When Ha Jin finally waved good bye to him at Incheon, she realized that the last week was the most time she had spent with Han Kyul in the last six months. People said that absence make the heart grow fonder, but this was ridiculous. Han Kyul was her harbor and safety. His eyes were always warm; he was such a logical man that she could go to him whenever she felt uncertain. They were a slow flame, carefully tending to each other and carefully loving. She never felt ill at ease with him. He was perfect. The only problem was that he was away so much.

Han Kyul had really only been back in Seoul for a total of six weeks out the entire last six months. If he was in the army, she would be a gomsin, a girlfriend designated to wait for her boyfriend to return. She rubbed her nose, the nighttime temperature dropped precipitously and she already missed Han Kyul wrapping his scarf around her so she wouldn't catch a chill. He had missed so much. He missed her graduation, he missed her thesis defense. She wanted to be mad at him, but she couldn't be. It was impractical and immature to be mad at a situation she couldn't change. Ha Jin prided herself on being understanding.

She knew the pressures he was under, and it was up to her support him. Madam Choi had explained it once to Ha Jin at one of their lunches a year after they started dating. It was before Han Kyul proposed to her. Now looking back on it, Ha Jin supposed that's why Madam Choi insisted on having the talk.

Madam Choi had called Ha Jin to five star hotel in the heart of Gangnam, Pierre Gagnaire. They had dined in the Albert Camus room, which was decorated with richly with a garden motif. Madm Choi thought it was ironic considering the namesake of the room. Camus was Madam Choi's favorite western writer.

"He has a flair for bleakness," she said blithely. "You have read Camus haven't you?"

When Ha Jin shook her head, Madam Choi threw back her head and laughed.

"Honesty is a good thing, ignorance is not. Here, I will send all his books to your house." She tapped a few times on her phone and set it down to study Ha Jin.

"Madam Choi, isn't this a French restaurant?" Ha Jin poked curiously at the kimchi which looked like the wrong color.

"Pierre is an asshole. He knows what kind of food I like, but he decides to open a French restaurant?! If I had half a grudge, I would have never invested in this place. At least it's making me money. But I demand Korean food when I'm here." Madam Choi chuckled. "Isn't this french kimbap weird? I really do like his little experiments." She blew a kiss the grumpy French man sulking in the back of the open kitchen.

Ha Jin laughed a little. Only Madam Choi would make a French restaurant cook Korean food. But truly she was an eccentric and she liked to see what her money could buy her.

"Ha Jin-ah," Madam Choi slurped her soup. "I like you. You're not a gold digger. And you're very talented and smart. There's a goodness about you that I don't see in a lot of people. I want that for my son. Most people are out for themselves."

"I don't think I'm better than anyone else, Madam Choi. I am just trying to survive too."

"But you won't step on other people to get what you want." Madam Choi challenged her.

"No. Life is hard enough already, you shouldn't try to make it harder for other people."

"See, that could be a problem." The older woman folded her arms. She had great affection for Ha Jin, but she also wanted to see if Ha Jin could be trained to be ruthless to protect who she needed to protect. Madam Choi thought of herself as a modern woman; she didn't expect Han Kyul to marry some other chaebol heiress just because it would be advantageous.

"Han Kyul has never done what I wanted." She studied her fingertips and glanced back at Ha Jin. "I told him there was no need to go to medical school because he would own an hospital, but he went to Stanford. I told him to find a girlfriend quickly, and he was single for years. I told him to study something useful, and he choose neurology. Han Kyul does not like doing what I tell him to do. But I suppose that's all children."

"I think he does well in whatever he tries to do." Ha Jin smiled at this recollection of a rebellious Han Kyul, so unlike the thoughtful doctor she knew now.

"My point is that Han Kyul is the eldest son in the family. You understand what that means right?"

"Yeh."

"I don't think you do." Madam Choi gestured to the waiting bottle and spoke again when Ha Jin poured her a shot of fancy gold-flecked soju. "Your family is middle classed. That's very noble. The back of this country was built on the middle class. But, the Chois have never been middle classed. We're old blood. That's the other reason I like you. All the same blood flowing around, bound to make us weak. We need some fresh juice. These rich girls who had everything handed to them, I can't stand them. But there is something they're good at. Do you know what that is Ha Jin?"

"I don't know."

"They're good at preserving the family. It's what they were bred to do." Madam Choi wrinkled her nose with distaste. "Han Kyul has a legacy to uphold. My great grandfather started one of Korea's first modern hospitals. He died protecting the hospital from gangsters who were coming in to take advantage of sick people. Very dramatic. The Chois uphold the value of life. Our family of doctors have been saving people for decades. Do you understand how important this is to us? There must always be a Choi running this hospital."

"Yes." Ha Jin met Madam Choi's eyes. This was no time to look like a wilting flower; she realized that Madam Choi was testing her, to either attempt to shock her or to put her out of the running. Ha Jin looked back her without blinking.

"I do care deeply for Han Kyul. I will not change if he does not change for me."

"But darling, people change all the time. It's part of life. What will you do if he becomes something other than what you want? Will you abandon him?"

"No." Ha Jin kept her voice steady. "I would not abandon him just for a change in the wind. I know him to be true."

"It's not just the wind, Ha Jin. It's the mark that Han Kyul wants to make on the world. And he's going to. He was born to make the world a better place. I ensured that in every step of his education, in his upbringing, in the friends that he has. Every particle of his world has been designed by me. Except you. I have to say, that I was thrown for a loop when he told me about you. He had never been attached to anyone before you. You have to accept that you're with a man destined for things that will take him away from you." Madam Choi monitored Ha Jin's face. "Would you be happy with such a life?"

"I can be." Ha Jin held herself upright. She knew this was Madam Choi's onslaught of doubt. If she failed, then Madam Choi would not hesitate to take Han Kyul away.

"I can be strong too, Madam Choi." She said with steely resolve. She had already let love slip away once, and she wasn't going to let it happen again. She wanted it. She wanted happiness, to deeply care for someone, to build a life carefully together.

Madam Choi's words stuck with her. Ha Jin would revisit that conversation over and over again. Those long weeks without Han Kyul were the worst. She knew that on a purely personal level, that Madam Choi did like her, but these chaebol families could not divorce their business interests from their family life. Ha Jin thought that it was better to face these worries now. What if another heiress with better prospects would come along and Han Kyul would be forced into some kind of business merger/marriage? She shook her head. No, Han Kyul wouldn't do that her. Although, how could she be so sure? Sure she was successful in her own right, but she couldn't command the kind of power that would secure a marriage to a Choi.

Ha Jin was ruminating again. She was about to turn twenty-eight, not a significant number, but a large enough number that she felt like she needed an anchor in her life. She looked up at her family's house, in a humble area of Sogyeokdong. She paused at the doorway and looked around the neighborhood. Her family's house was on a hillside, the part of the hill that people didn't find desirable. Ha Jin sometimes stared at the stars, wishing that she hadn't fallen in love with such a powerful man.

"Oma, I'm back."

Yoon Young saw her daughter emerging from the doorway, cheeks singed with pink.

"Are you okay?" Yoon Young handed her a cup of brown rice tea to ward off the cold.

Ha Jin looked at her mother and suddenly, she was overcome with gratitude. She was so lucky. She had love. She had mother, her father, her little brother. It was selfish of her to want all of Han Kyul's love when she already had the love of so many people in her house.

"Otoke, what was that for?"

"Han Kyul left today."

"Again? That boy is never in Korea." Yoon Young looked at her daughter. "Why are you so sad Ha Jin-ah?"

"I'm fine, Oma. I'm really fine. I should go to sleep. I have a big presentation tomorrow."

She sighed and wished that Han Kyul wasn't a Choi. She wished for a love where she could give her heart freely, and the other person wouldn't be held back by protocol, by family, or by the limits of what they thought love was. She had so much love to give, and sometimes she was frightened by it.

===================MID CHAPTER BREAK (GET A SNACK)=====================

After two weeks, I signed my paperwork on my way out of Choi General. I was mostly recovered, with only a bandaid at the base of my neck which in all honesty only looked like a bad shaving accident. I wanted to go back to work. The additional weeks at the hospital were actually useful. I had bit of nerve damage from the bullet wound and my physical therapist tsk tsked any activity not related to therapy. I lost about 5% mobility on my left side. I would have to go back to the hospital every week. For a bullet wound which would have been fatal if the bullet had shifted less than a microdegree, I was lucky.

Being at the hospital was driving him up the walls. Dr. Im revised her original plan and wanted me to stay from an extra week. The only reason that I decided to go along with her orders was that my father dropped a few heavy hints that he needed my injury to be completely under wraps until he figured out the culprit. I was a good soldier and decided to stay.

I touched the band-aid, where the bullet had entered my body, kissing the bottom of my skull, barely missing my brain. Dr. Im kept telling me how lucky I was. I did my job to the best of my abilities, but it still wasn't good enough. Somehow, in the midst of planning, I had missed something. Maybe a vulnerable rooftop, or I had missed a potential volatile political faction, or I had just simply ignored a threat. I considered calling Park Sun-han, but stopped myself at the last minute. Park Sun-han, my commander during the presidential motorcade would have more questions than answers.

There was a total media blackout on the incident. The President's press secretary had personally flew back from her vacation in Vancouver to come back and instruct their PR plan for the latest disaster. Luckily for the president, the secret service who transported me to the hospital did so in a government vehicle. Every physician and nurse who were in contact with me signed waivers which would bankrupt them if the news of my injury were ever leaked. Even with my mother's announcement to the media, General Han's successful intervention at the Choi General press conference neutralized the situation. A new story was being concocted as the press secretary instructed. Every one, from the lowest Blue House Aide to the janitor would be instructed with the new story, which was that the Vice Mayor's second son Han Jun Ki, was injured by flying projectile possibly thrown by a protestors.

When I got back to his place, I sat in front of Hae Su's billboard, even more mesmerized. Seung Won had already tried searching for the name Hae Su after I told him about the incident with the girl, but he didn't come up with anything. There wasn't a single woman in the phone book in the metropolitan Seoul area who also modeled for Sulwhashoo named Hae Su.

Her hair was short, cut into a bob, chestnut colored, her eyes were large and brown. And she looked past me. Had she seen me? Did she know me? Did she just miss seeing me? I kept revisiting that moment over and over again like a child looking at a fresh wound, fascinated by how much it hurt when I poked at the memory over and over again.

The only advantage of getting shot in the neck for the president of Korea was that I was gifted with some extra vacation time. While I was at the hospital, I had started making phone calls. I didn't have that many connections in the entertainment industry, but I was friends with a TV actor, Lee Seung Gi, who told me to look him up after he was discharged from the army. I considered calling Lee Seung Gi, but decided to wait until a few more search routes were exhausted.

I thought that Hae Su might be a working model and I scoured every agency looking for her. I got the same answer every time, no one knew the agency that worked on the Sulwhasoo billboard. No one had heard of the photographer and no one knew who the girl on the billboard was.

"Well, she's certainly not a professional. I would have her in my rolodex by now." The casting agent said.

Squeezing the bridge of my nose, I got another injury related headache coming on. I was on the phone almost the entire day. I had gone through more modeling agency portfolios than I cared to admit. If anyone looked at my browser history right now, I would look like one of those sad men who stared at women on the internet all day. I worked in intelligence for a few years and I remembered the work wasn't as difficult as this mission. I had gaps in knowledge and I needed to 1) bound the uncertainty 2) a plan of attack 3) synthesis of information. It was easier said than done.

Suddenly, I had an idea. I opened up a Word application and began frantically writing every single memory, every single visual/auditory/olfactory memory from the past. I could recall it all so easily. I was looking for a pattern, something that didn't make sense then, but made sense now. I knew what I already believed and I wondered if giving too much credence to prior beliefs was the thing holding me back? Who was she? I had to separate what I knew from what I believed.

I wrote most of the day and late into the night. The sun made its full trajectory across the skyline of Seoul and the moon began rising. I stretched out my body and went back to the balcony to stare.

"I will not stop until I find you." I frowned, a little worried at that I was talking to a billboard.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang with Lee Seung Gi's number.

"So, I listened to your voicemail." My friend's voice sounded cheerful.

"Am I a pathetic man for trying to find this woman?"

"Not at all, I have exactly the right person for you to talk to."

At eight o'clock in the morning, I bounced on my feet outside of Cube Entertainment, which was one of the premiere entertainment agencies. I was trying to squeeze this meeting before Seung Won's graduation, which was later on in the day. My friend had put in a word for me to meet with the talent development person who had a lot more connections in the talent world than he did. After a few pleasantries in her office, the talent development person listen to my problems and got a very strange look on her face.

"So you're looking for the Sulwhasoo model." She sipped her coffee.

"Yes. She's a childhood friend and I'm trying to reconnect with her."

"And you're not a stalker?" The scout raised her eyebrow.

"No, my name is Han Jun Ki, a Corporal in the Korean National Army."

"Otoke! That's where I've seen you! You're on the news. You were injured in the presidential motorcade weren't you?"

"That's not what I'm asking you." I grimaced. "I'd like to know what you can do to help me find her?"

"I'm only doing this because Lee Seung Gi is a good client." She spun around in her chair. "I'll have one of my interns do the digging on the All-Seoul photography database. We'll find her."

I got to my feet and I was about to thank her, when she spun around again. People who work in offices must really enjoy their chairs.

"Does the Army ever allow you to do modeling work?"

"Pardon?"

"You. I'd like you to come in for some test shots. Your bone structure is amazing and I'd love to see you in something, like Gucci or Tom Ford."

I balked, a little nervous. This talent scout had fire in her eyes. I felt more safe behind enemy lines in Azerbaijan.

"Sorry. I don't think I can save the country and model at the same time."

"Too bad." She pursed her lips. "Regardless, I will help you. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

I got buzz on my phone which was a text that said, "Where are you?" in all exclamation points. Seung Won's graduation. I was only half an hour late. I excused myself to the scout and ran outside to hail a cab.

When I finally arrived at Seoul National University campus, I almost bumped into a few incoming freshman who didn't seem unnerved by my running.

"You dropped this!"

I turned around and realized I had dropped my picture of Hae Su on the ground. When I went to retrieve it from the girl, she beamed back up at me. Women were being extremely nice to me today; I wondered if it was because they knew I was in love. I finally found the graduation auditorium and managed to spot both my Mother and my Father sitting in separate rows. I settled into my seat after giving them both my respectful greeting. The ceremony was already underway, but I had not missed Seung Won's walk yet.

He crossed the platform, shaking both the President of the University's hands and the Dean of his program. He did a slow wave on the platform and moonwalked his way off. I groaned. Seung Won loved his moments in the sun. The graduates all gathered for the final speeches, where commencement speech givers who were older, but maybe not wiser, sent them off to adulthood. I hated those kind of speeches, they were meant to inspire, but not to instruct.

I saw Seung Won and his compatriots toss their hats academic caps in the air, whooping with joy and excitement. I don't think I have ever been that young. My little brother made his way over to us when he finally spotted us.

"Oma." He bowed politely to Jin-Jeong.

"Seung Won!" My mother hugged him fiercely. "I am so proud of you for graduating!"

"Great job, little brother." I clapped him on the back. "You did it!"

"Abeoji." He turned and bowed for my father.

"Congratulations." My father was not a man of many words. He already looked uncomfortable and started checking his watch.

"Seung Won," Jin-Jeong was gushing. "Mother got this for you."

In her hands dangled a BMW key fob. She certainly did have a gift for the dramatic.

"It's a BMW six series! I've been saving this for you until you graduated. Isn't Oma awesome?"

Seung Won was acting weird. He didn't look at our mother when she was waving the keys in front of his face like a person dangling a cat toy in front of their cat.

"Oma. I don't want it."

"What?"

"Why did you call that press conference when Hyung got injured?" Seung Won looked to my father for confirmation. "Knowing that it would put him in the spotlight and in danger?"

"I didn't know!" She was sputtering. "It was the right move at the time. I wanted to point out how dangerous the protests were to the students. I had to warn the other parents."

"I was in those protests, Oma."

"I saw the footage too Seung Won." Her voice turned hard. "Don't think I've forgotten and intend to straighten this out of you."

"Stop it, Oma." I stepped in between the two of them. "We're making a scene. Abeoji, do something."

"Jin-Jeong." My father sighed. "Can we just celebrate Seung Won's graduation today?"

"He is so ungrateful!" The vein on her forehead was pulsing. "I had him when I was forty years old. Do you know how hard it is to be pregnant at forty?! You were my miracle Seung Won, why are you acting so cold towards me?!"

"It's my right as a citizen, Oma, to protest against the administration I believe to be corrupt." My little brother's voice was beginning to rise. Other people turned towards us.

"You shut up, right now. You're a child and you have no idea what you're talking about. There is no future in this, Seung Won! These little measly student protest will get crushed by time. Do you know what happens to protesters? You walk out with your little headbands and slogans and do any of you even know how the government works? You can't just ask for what you want and not have a plan to execute. Every single one of you will tire of it. Maybe not today, maybe not next week. But mark my words, you will lose your momentum, because it will die because none of you have any clue how the real world works."

She pointed her finger and stabbed it into Seung Won's chest.

"What are you doing? Getting a few thousand people together because they saw a facebook invitation? It's all hogwash. I am here. I am doing the real work, Seung Won." Her face was bright red now. I opened my mouth to speak up for Seung Won, but I didn't know what to say. I partially agreed with her.

"You're wrong, Mother. I don't need your BMW. and I don't need you to be putting any of our family members in danger."

I heard a slow clap coming from behind us. It was Jin Young, the oldest of us, and the deputy mayor of Busan. He had a sly grin on his face.

"Baby brother. What a speech. What a day for political idealism." He clapped Seung Won on the back. "Congrats on finishing college two years late."

"Hyung." Seung Won looked stung too.

I regretted attending this. All of our family dysfunctions just airing out for everyone to see. My phone started buzzing and I answered. It was the talent scout from Cube Entertainment.

"I found her." The talent scout was saying.

"I'll be there in five minutes." I hung up and turned back to this mess of people who were suppose to be related to me.

"Seung Won," I lead him away from the flock of madness and held him by the shoulders. "Families are a crap shoot. You're cool. I'm cool. Father's on the borderline: is he cool or not? Omoni is definitely not cool. And Jin Young."

"Is the worst." We both said at the same time.

I chuckled.

"But know that I will be there for you. No matter what. Except for this terrible graduation dinner, which I am skipping out on."

"Oh come on, hyung." Seung Won groaned. "You're gonna leave me with these animals."

"Hey, I said father was cool." I glanced at my father, who was doing a very good impression of a mannequin as my mother and Jin Young yapped about some new political development.

"I think I found her." I grinned.

"Billboard girl?"

"Yep." I dusted off his shoulders. "I'm going now. Save some grub for me, okay?"

"Don't leave! I was going to introduce you to my friend from the traditional medicine institute. She's coming here in a few minutes."

"I'm not interested in meeting engaged women, Seung Won." I winked at him and headed out. I heard a very dispirited "Hyung" when I left, but I would make it up to him. Maybe we could do a fishing trip next month.

On the phone, the scout told me that the reason I couldn't find the girl was that she was no model. She was the C.E.O. of Patpat, a small beauty company. I listened as the scout kept spouting off facts, this woman was one of the youngest women ever to run a beauty company, but she was intensely private. Since it was privately held company, her name wasn't public yet. I would have to do some leg work.

I took the subway to Gangnam, happier than I had ever been in my life. I was so close. I was still reeling from the idea that I could find this woman in the physical world. I had lived with her for so long in my mind. I could verify it. I could finally understand this vast part of the uncertainty in my life. Why I was the way I was. Why I never seemed to be able to fall in love with other women. Why I had these fantasies and dreams all bound up together.

The Sulwhasoo building looked like like a giant golden bird's nest. I approached the receptionist desk, which was enclosed behind a smaller gold cage. Weird, I thought. I asked for directions to the offices of Patpat, which she only gave me after some heavy flirtation. I was told that the CEO of Patpat had a right hand she absolutely trusted: her assistant, Kim So-Eun.

I took the elevator to the tenth floor where her office was. Her. I was almost giddy. I would finally get to meet her. When I finally got close to Kim So-Eun's desk, I suddenly faltered. I realized I did not have anything to say. How was I going to point out this connection between me and the CEO of Patpat? I would look like some deranged person coming in to demand a meeting with a person I didn't even know the name of. I did a little U turn and thought better of it.

I went back out into the hallway to wait out my plan. After about ten minutes, Kim Go Eun left her desk and went down to the lobby. I grinned. It had worked. I called for some flowers to be delivered to Kim So-Eun, and she was no doubt, excitedly signing for flowers from some unknown admirer. I ducked back into the office-I was lucky that it looked like a slow day and no one was around-I went to Kim So Eun's desk, which still had her boss's calendar open. I noted at the top it said, "Boss Go's calendar" which was a good start. Her last name was Go. I scanned through the schedule, it was packed full of meetings. But there was one interesting block of time, which just said Changdeokgung palace. She was going to be there this weekend. I wondered why. Her assistant had also put a note: "One train ticket to Changdeokgung palace purchased, send Boss Go confirmation code." So, she was going alone. Interesting, Miss Go, why are you going by yourself?

I ducked out of the way just as Kim So Eun arrived back with her bouquet of roses in tow. She looked happy and I got my information.

A few days later, I boarded the express train to Buyeo station to Changdeokgung palace. I wondered if she was on the same train as me. Was she going back to find me? I wondered about her motives. It didn't seem like an accident that Miss Go was visiting a historic palace, a place where I had a memory of her often. I had a particularly lustful dream, where she was partially robed on a royal bed and I was carelessly kissing her and stroking her all over. She giggled as I teased her. I remembered she grinned at me and asked for a poem to be written on her body. Her smile was bright and seductively. She shivered when the cold ink touched her skin and I wrote my favorite poem on her back. The ink brush tickling her shoulder blades, the black ink making a stark contrast against her creamy skin. I stopped writing and started tracing every curve with the brush. We made such a mess that night.

I fell asleep as soon as the train started moving. I had a habit of falling asleep in moving vehicles. I was drifting and dreaming. It was wonderful. I was on a boat, floating in the middle of lake. I was rowing. I could smell the gardens. I could smell the water.

"You'll tell me when you're ready."

"No!" I shouted as I woke up. I didn't like that dream. I had to tell her something, but I didn't.

I grabbed small breakfast at the station and hustled my way through the long lines in the entry area. Lucky for me, my military ID allowed me to bypass the longer lines. The moment I stepped foot into Changdeokgung palace, I was surprised by how familiar it felt. I had visited Changdeokgung palace when I was child with my family, but this was a different kind of familiarity. I automatically knew my way around. I wandered around, attaching myself to different tour groups only to leave them when it got too boring. Some of these tour guides were engaging, but more often than not, the tour guides read off a book out loud.

I kept looking for her. According to her calendar, it was Miss Go's first day at Changdeokgung palace. If she were like most tourist, she would go to the main attractions first. Every slight girl with a short brown bob made my heart swell up with excitement. After the first dozen almost sightings, I prepared myself for disappointment. Maybe this plan was too vague. I knew she was going to be here today, but what if I just missed her by a few hours? Minutes? Seconds? After all, we had missed each other by centuries.

I sat down on the palace steps and paused to look down at the long stretch of dragon stone tiles stretching all the way to gate. I felt a shiver crawl up my back involuntarily. There was such sadness in this place. I remembered last night when I had a very unusual memory. Instead of a visual memory of Hae Su, I started blindly transcribing a letter. I felt possessed. I patted the pages in my breast pocket. It was so strange knowing what to do but not knowing how it was going happen.

The breeze that was blowing stopped. Everything halted for a second as I gazed at a small figure coming up the stairs.

She was here.

I saw her on slow motion the same way I saw her on the day of the motorcade. Every hair rose up on the back of my neck and it spread to the rest of my body; I felt like I was sparking all over. She was wearing a simple navy wrap dress, looking every bit the modern woman as she stared at her phone and looking back up at the palace. She probably downloaded the tour app, which I didn't bother doing because I wasn't interested in the palace, only her. She walked right by me, fixated as she was on her phone. I saw her look at the long line to the throne room and shake her head.

Every muscle was still, I couldn't let this moment go, seeing her in front of my eyes, my dream turned into truth. I rubbed eyes, making sure that I didn't conjure her again. I stood as soon as she was almost out of sight and started running. My heart felt light, but my legs felt heavy. This was finally happening. I was so scared and hopeful at the same time. I rounded the corner just in time to see her stop in a small gallery. I wanted to go in, but I couldn't. I was frozen in place.

The blood was pounding my head and I finally broke free of my reverie and walked in. We were both in a small dark gallery and her hands were on the glass case full of letters. She clung to the case like it was her child.

My jaw went slack. I recognized every single item that was in this dimly lit room. It was like I was experiencing deja vu, but it was all over my body. There were Hae Su's court lady outfits, her makeup kit, her letters. The stack of letters being displayed was the poem she made me write over and over again in one of our last late nights in her chamber. I prepared for the joy of our reunion, but as I kept staring at Hae Su's small body shaking in front of me, I realized that it was more than happiness that bound us together, it was a lifetime of pain and separation that made us too. A fresh wave of anguish washed over me when I remembered her letter.

It was a late night in the throne room like any other night. I was the king and I was buried in some bureaucratic details about ambassadors to China who were offended by an gift deemed offensive to the Emperor. When my advisor, Jimong, entered, I knew something was wrong. He was rarely hesitant when speaking about government matters. I looked at my friend of my entire life and saw that Jimong was trembling.

"What is it?"

"Lady Hae Soo has passed away."

My mind rejected the information at every word. It wasn't possible. I had sent her away. I did it. I banished her so that she would no longer hurt me. She couldn't hurt me like this. She couldn't do this to me. She would never do this. She couldn't rip out the last shred of hope I had for us. Jimong stayed silent for another minute.

"Your highness, Lady Hae Soo been sending you letters."

Suddenly, the pile of letters from Jung made sense. The envelopes stacked thicker than a normal letters. I tore into one and yanked out an envelope only to see another one enclosed. Her handwriting was the same as mine. Somewhere along the line, my love decided to write the same way I did, to be closer to me. The pressure in my chest was unbearable. I felt like a boulder was crushing me, settled on me. Dread. Nausea. She couldn't be dead. I didn't give her permission to die. Nor would I ever.

I unfolded the tissue paper and started reading. Her words. They were Hae Su's words. She asked if I still hated her, she asked if I doubted her love. My mind redoubled on itself, I could hear her as clearly in my head as if she were sitting next to me. They were Hae Su's last words to me. I shook as I kept reading, realizing that I had been fatally wrong. It wasn't a mistake that I could atone for. It was a mistake that I would spend the rest of my life, eating my heart, drinking my own regret, drunk on the horror of my ghastly blunder.

Suddenly Hae Su staggered back from the glass case and I saw her falling to the floor. I felt like I was watching her death all over again. The intensity of her grief for us. I knew it, but I finally saw it. I understood it, but seeing it was final. I couldn't keep myself back any longer.

I knelt close to her back. She had the same slender form, her knees were folded under her. I was hopeful, in this life she was healthy. She could live for a long time. We had time.

"Su-ah." I placed a hand on her shoulder.

**author note: Ahhh, I will say this, I've already written Chapter 8 and it is a DOOZY. I was very verklempt while writing it. If you want to read Chapter 8 early, gimme those comments and reviews. If I get more than 30 for this chapter, I'll put the chapter out early!


	8. Letter

**CHAPTER 8 - Letter**

"Su-ah." A clear voice spoke in my right ear and my tears stopped. That voice. As low and clear as it was one thousand years ago. Every single one of my nerves was screaming to flee. His breath was warm on my shoulder, gentle and steady, but it splintered my world. I turned around, shaking with fear.

It couldn't be. It shouldn't be. It would never be.

Wang So.

I was in total shock. A numbness washed over me. He was in front of me. A body. His body. I immediately grabbed his shoulders. He was wearing a gray blazer. I squeezed hard, as hard as I could. I felt muscles, bone, mass, him. The fabric bunched under my fingers where I would not let go. He was real. He was solid. My right hand went searching to his cheek, touching everything I could. I was like a blind person touching a beloved's face for the first time. My hands covered his face, I desperately needed to feel every bone, every stubble, every possible inch of skin on him.

"Is it really you?" I whispered.

He grabbed my hand and pressed it against where his scar used to be.

"Su-ah." His eyes were the same. I couldn't believe it. He was the same after a thousand years. Gazing at me, the same eyes searching my face, in my dreams. I said when I was dying that I would forget it all. I lied. In my dreams, I never let go.

"How? How is this possible?" I shook my head. I didn't believe it. I stood up, flight adrenaline pumping through my body, and I stepped back, needing to feel worldly objects. Backed up against the dark gallery wall, I felt for its solidness. He went out of focus. I thought that I would faint.

Instead, he stepped closer to me, holding me by my shoulders, mimicking my actions from minutes earlier. We were always so much alike.

"You-" He repeated again. "You are real?" His voice hitched, drawing a lower pitch, rumbling through me. He seemed to be in as much shock as I was in. We were magnets drawn to each other; unable to let go, a continuous ribbon of fate still wrapped around us. I thought I was free. I was not.

I felt crazy. How was any of it possible? Did I faint and die? Maybe I was in the afterlife. I had died again and this time for good. I felt his fingertips trace my lips, the softest of touches, like he was touching a veil. If this was the afterworld, then I did not want to leave.

He had me in his arms. My legs were shaking violently. I didn't have the same limp from Goryeo, but all my ghosts were returning to me. He held me at my waist, as he had always done, and I realized that this person and I still fit the same way, like two puzzle pieces together. I sunk my face into his shoulder and breathed in deep. It was overwhelming. He smelled like an expensive cologne, but I could detect the similarity to the Wang So from a thousand years ago. He let me cry, as violent as it was, and held me, his arms clutching me, holding me up. It couldn't be. He felt the same as before, but was it?

I looked back up at him. He had the same eyes as Wang So, the same mouth, there seemed to a faint spider line on his face where a scar used to be. I reached out and traced the scar with my finger tips. He closed his eyes and winced, like I was touching him on the inside.

"You know me?" I finally managed to ask.

"Yes. With all my heart. I know you."

He buried his head in my shoulders and inhaled. I could feel the shuddering breath in his chest too. Our bodies were pressed together, it was so strange to feel something so familiar after being deprived for so long. It was alien, my limbs twitched with discomfort, like my body was trying to remember what this was. I felt my heart seized up and I rubbed my face into the rough fabric of his jacket.

"I don't believe you." My chest rose and dropped rapidly. I realized that I was in the midst of another panic attack. The air I needed was choking me and I couldn't stop the feeling that I was entering a tunnel that I couldn't leave.

"Hae Su." He brushed my tears away with his thumb as he held my face. The action was so familiar; the ringing in my ears increased until I saw the blinding white light where he was. I felt like I was time traveling again. My eyes were blurry with tears but I swore I saw the eclipse where I drowned; my lungs were filling with water again, I saw the darkness of the sun. I felt my self preservation instincts kick in, pushing him away, as I remembered the sheer terror of that moment.

He closed the distance I had tried to create. Wherever I would go, he would follow. I knew that now.

"This can't be real." I whispered to him. "I spent the last four years of my life convincing myself that this was-was something I made up. I had to let you go. I had to. So I could live again. But you're here? How am I supposed to live with you here?"

He crooked a smile, that half smile that always devastated me.

"I've been looking for you for so long, my love."

"This isn't real. I was-I was wrong?"

"Su-ah."

I felt every hair on the back of neck raise up. No one had said Su-ah to me in a thousand years. I was still shaking. This was a nightmare. This was a dream. I felt and knew chaos swirling at the center of my world. I knew from this moment, that my life as I knew it was done. It was as if I was about to jump off a building. I felt such fear. Such happiness. He drew me close again, and I relaxed when he stroke my lower back in the spot he always used to touch me. I hooked my chin over his shoulder.

"My name is Han Joon Ki." He said as he smoothed down my hair.

"Han Joon Ki?" I finally pried myself away. "My name is Go Ha Jin."

"Go Ha Jin." He sounded out the words carefully, like he was tasting each syllable.

"Do you remember your name?"

"Wang So, the Fourth Prince of Goryeo." He looked to me for confirmation. I could only nod.

He took my hand and led me away from the exhibit.

"I have something to show you."

He led me. I followed. I would follow him anywhere and it alarmed me. Looking back, he rewarded me with a dazzling smile, the one I rarely saw in Goryeo unless we were absolutely alone. I stumbled, trying to keep up. He was moving so fast. I suppose that after a thousand years, you figured out the purpose in your life and waiting was not an option anymore. But for as for me, I had no idea. I felt like a blank piece of paper, crumpled and smoothed out again, with all the wrinkles still there.

When he stopped, I finally let go of the breath that I'd been holding. I didn't have a chance to look at where he was leading me. I could only look at him and nothing else. The scenery almost looked fake. How was the lake and the tree still the same? It wasn't possible.

We stood on the edge of the lake Dongji. I saw us through time, the King and his consort, so close to happiness and so close to disaster. I felt him lacing his fingers through mine and we both saw the same thing, I was sure of it.

"You wanted to love me as much as you wanted, do you remember that?" He spoke to the lake. He waited for an answer from me.

"Yes. I said in a different world, I could. As much as I wanted."

Pulling me in front of him, he sighed and wrapped himself around me, in the same hug he loved giving me, holding my back to the front of his chest. From this angle, we could look out at the same thing: the same memories, the same pain, the same promises we broke to each other.

"I missed you." He said quietly.

I felt the breath I had been holding finally release. My shoulders dropped. I was home.

"I don't know what to do, Wang So." I stopped myself and looked up at him.

"Should I call you Joon Ki?"

"You can call me a tree and I would still come to you." He grinned.

He reached down and grabbed my hands.

"Ouch."

In the reach for my hands, he cut himself on the diamond setting of my engagement ring. Oh god, my engagement to Han Kyul. I looked at the blood, the bright redness seeping out of the cut on his hand. I did it again. I cut him again. What am I so cruel?

"Joon Ki." I cringed. "I'm engaged."

He peered at me, in utter confusion.

"That's not possible." He shook his head. "I just found you."

"When I returned to this time, I thought I had lost you forever." I could taste the bitterness in mouth. "We were separated by a thousand years, Wang So. How could I know that you would find me again?"

He looked down at his feet, shuffling back and forth and finally looked at me again.

"It's because you thought I didn't love you when you died? I ignored your letters. I didn't come until it was too late. Did you die thinking that I didn't love you? That I hated you?"

"It was-." I couldn't find the words. "I just didn't know."

"I have something for you." His gaze didn't break from mine. Taking a hold of my left hand again, we walked around the lake until we found a bench. He motioned for me to sit next to me.

He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a roll of paper. His face was pained.

"Is that my letter?"

"No." He smoothed out the paper and I realized that he had typed out the pages. "This is the letter I wrote to you when I knew I was dying." He paused and kissed the back of my hand.

"I didn't have a way getting it to you." His mouth twitched at the corners, drawing downwards. "I had the Queen bury it with me, but I somehow don't think she honored my last wish."

I thought of him, dying in that palace. I clutched my hand to my chest, breathing in the pain.

"Do you want me to read it to you?" Carelessly, he used his thumb rubbed against my knuckles.

I nodded, my mouth as dry as rock, blood rushing to my face. Wang So's words to me after a thousand years. I was on tenterhooks. I didn't realize how badly I wanted to hear them, needed to hear them.

His name was Han Jun Ki. I marvelled at this. We were both reborn. But he was still Wang So too. He cleared his throat, started reading, and I realized that he had the letter in front of him, but he knew all the words by heart.

My love, Hae Su. I hope to join you soon. You are my home and I have been away for too long.

They told me that you were in a better place. But how could I believe that you were happy without me? When I could not bear to be happy without you?

My regrets could overflow the ocean and drown the happy stars.

I regret that I could not save you from death, nor could I save you from myself.

I called for you to come back, as insane as that sounds. I built you in my mind. I wanted you back, my love, because I needed you. I didn't care how much you had suffered. I was so greedy for your love; I could never get enough and never saw how I drove you away.

This urn that held your ashes. I keep it with me, but I hate the idea of confining you. It's been empty for years.

I believe that you, my love, were not like anyone I have ever known. I loved you so deeply that I was blind to who you were; you were not meant to live long here. I once asked you, "how long you had to live in this world," and I wish that I had known then that the answer was "only a few precious years." Were you a traveler like Jimong? Were you sent to me by the heavens? I can't seem to understand you. Even now, I don't understand you. But I would live a thousand lifetimes, to begin, to try again, to try to get to know your infinite vastness.

The price of loving was losing you. I understand that now.

Losing you was like losing a limb, I searched for it all day long, even though I could see it wasn't there. I flexed, aching, longing for you, but I knew you were gone. I went on, a hobbled man, crippled his own mistakes, as did you, my love, to the next life. I know you had to. We were one, but now that we were cut in two-by my cruelty, by your need to be free-I don't want to pretend that I am whole. Sometimes, I longed for your unhappy ghost.

I remembered when I asked you to stay with me because I was too frightened to sleep in the chamber of so many other dead kings. But I sleep in this empty King's chamber now. There is only one place I cannot escape your absence, and that is my own body. I was once Hae Su's lover. Now my body, it is an abandoned house. What use am I? What is a king?

I hate this place. It caged you and it made you suffer. I will die in this place.

I made so many mistakes but it was never loving you. I would do it again and again. I would never say no to the chance to love you again.

In your next life, I will find you. If we are from different worlds, I will find you, my love, my wife, my queen. If it takes a thousand lifetimes I will find you.

He looked at me sitting on the opposite bench, trembling. I had stopped crying. I was wrung out, even my tear ducts stung. I felt like I was fading, and being replaced by something stronger, eternal.

Every word he spoke buried themselves into my skin, into my heart, into my mind. I could feel the pressure of his words leave his lips and implore their message to me, across the millennia of separation we had endured. I was barely holding on. How could I go on in the face of this? How could I go on in my life now that I knew, that my love, my most deep regret, the father of my child had done the impossible and come back to me?

I buried my face in my hands. The hot tears would not stop flowing. I finally wept for us. I tried to move on. I truly did. I put in my most valiant efforts. But in the face of Wang So's staggering, astounding love for me, of his impossible feat, what could I do?

"One more thing."

Jun Ki pulled out a small wrapped cloth bundle. I was puzzled and unraveled the loops of red silk binding the small package together. I saw the carved inlaid peonies, the blood red garnets, and the brilliant green leaf. My hands shook as I held the hairpin my hand. It was my hairpin. The hairpin that Wang So gave to me when he took me out of the palace for the first time. I held the familiar weight in my hand.

"Happy birthday." He smiled wryly. "I know I took a long time, but I finally found your birthday present." His hands close around mine as I held the pin with both hands, like it was a fallen star.

It was my hairpin*. It had been lost to time, even though the box of letters and arrows were still there. And then realized, Jung had given it to our daughter Byeol.

"Byeol wore this?"

"Yeh."

"What was she like?"

"She was perfect." Jun Ki looked out past the lake again, remembering something I could not see because I was dead when he created those memories. "The first time I met her, here, she ran into me the same way you ran into me, with her head down and she tried to blame me for her injury."

I smiled at the thought of our daughter meeting him for the first time. I swallowed when I remembered the pang of guilt when I thought about my instructions to Jung, to keep her out of the palace. Which meant that Gwangjong would only have a little time with our child.

"She looked so much like you, my love." His face sagged and he stopped looking at me. "I loved her. But I could not be her father. I could only love her from afar. Jung always kept me informed about how she grew up. He was a great father, my brother."

He took a deep breath and looked back in the past.

"I think she was happy. She married for love, much like you, but she died giving birth to our grandchild."

My hands flew to my mouth in horror. No. My poor daughter suffering the same fate as me. I was wrong, I could cry more. He took out the handkerchief from his pocket and gently blotted the tears from my face, his hands rubbing reassuring against my lower back.

"Life was very hard back then." Jun Ki whispered to me. "She was happy when she was married and she was happy when she was pregnant. I would not lie to you."

It was horrible. This blackness of knowing what happened. By all objective reality, I knew that she was dead for years and I had no way of knowing her. Only Jun Ki knew her. I don't know what I wanted. The very thing that I wanted was the thing that was impossible. I longed to see how long her hair had grown? What was her favorite food? If she looked like me or Wang So? She had been gone for so long. She couldn't be here now, with the two of us giggling over her stubborn temper and trying to make her stay and eat a nutritious meal. What kind of mother could I have been? What kind of father did Wang So want to be? I felt robbed. My mouth went slack and I lost myself in my day dream. The little picture of the three of us; it wasn't real, it didn't happen, but it didn't stop me from my hopeless wish.

"I don't know how you did it Hae Su." He turned back to me and touched my cheek again. "I don't know how you managed to leave me so much love when you left. I was able to repair things with Jung. I no longer resented him for my mother's cruelness, I finally understood it was not his fault. He could forgive me when he saw how much pain I was in when I lost you. He let me see Byeol whenever I wanted. I had a piece of you. You gave me my family."

Oh god, my face was trembling again. I don't think I had enough tears to get through this day.

"The three of us were together on that day, Hae Su." He sounded far away. "Jung, Baek Ah, and I. Did you think you could love three princes and not not leave us wrecked when you left?"

My husband, I thought. I reached out and touched him. He was married to Queen Hwangbo but he was my husband. For all the meaning that marriage imbued for me, he had not ceased being my husband after I died. I desperately needed to hold him, to look at him, to find out if this was real. The instincts I had didn't die with my body's death. The instinct to comfort, to hold, to cuddle, to examine and inspect the wound, to see where it hurts, to try to understand, but most of all to hold.

I held him, as fiercely and tightly as possible. There was so much lost time.

"How long have you been back?" Jun Ki asked quietly into my breast.

"Four years."

"What happened in those four years?"

"I did a lot of research about you."

He looked back at me, surprised.

"I had nothing of you." I stroked his hair. "I think I read every book that was ever published about your regime. But nothing told me what I needed to know. Your health, your happiness, how you felt everyday. If you missed me." I smiled ruefully.

"There were days when I could go to sleep and I didn't remember you. I had this filter in my thoughts were everything I did, everything I said, every experience I had went through you. One day, it left and then I was truly scared." I sighed.

"Am I your grief?" Jun Ki asked.

"I don't know." I smoothed back the hair from his temple and traced the scar with my fingertips. He closed his eyes. Nervous as I was, I still couldn't stop touching him. He was so real. While he was listening to me, I could examine him closely. Every skin cell fascinated me. Was this a perfect reproduction of the man I loved? I could look at the stubble pushing through pores of his chin, his sideburns growing in one direction like wheat shafts pushed down, his dark short hair. My fingers traced the tips of his ears, the shell of where he could hear my voice. I missed him so much; this Wang So shaped hole inside me. I felt the pull of him, spanning through the long forgotten years, still sparking and crackling with our connection. I was in a unbearable state of joy. But it would not last. My engagement ring glared in the sunshine.

"I had to let you go. I couldn't leave in this world if I didn't let you go. Everything hurt." I stroked his face, the pain of losing him still smarting. "How am I supposed to live now, Wang So?"

He leaned into my palm and kissed the heart of my hand softly.

"I didn't know you were here. I yearned for you, Hae Su. For years, I've thought of nothing else."

I couldn't move. His eyes were wide, imploring.

"I thought that when you died, that you might have thought that I hated you. I could never hate you, my love." He winced. "I was angry. I was foolish-but hate, that was a word I cannot ever use. Not for you. I was mortally wounded. Heart failed. But of my own doing and because you loved me enough to want to save a part of us. I don't know, Hae Su, if in that life, any choice we could have made would not have not have separated us."

"I remembered when I came back-your name was the first name I called out." I stuttered out. He looked at me, startled.

It was my turn to confess.

"I forgave you when you didn't come to see me. I wanted to forget. But-it didn't happen. I felt like I was frozen in time, in a nightmare. Everything reminded me of you. I couldn't taste rice without thinking about how you liked my herbal rice. I couldn't sleep without the feelings of your arms around me. Every thought, every feeling, every action I had would be meant for you; and I-I knew that you had died a thousand years ago. My time here, it didn't matter. I only longed to be back with you."

I took another deep breath. Jun Ki's face was in pain, the same expression I remembered when he saw me in jail after I was tortured; desperation, futility, and impotence. I remembered how he looked. I shook my head.

"I was close to ending my life." I cleared my throat. "And the person who saved me was, no, is, who I am engaged to."

I smiled sadly and tried to press the hairpin back into Jun Ki's hands.

"No."

He shook his head. His entire body stiffened away from me.

"No. I will not accept this."**

 _*The hairpin is a replica. Joon Ki had it made in Chapter 7, but it's confusing because I didn't hint at it then; wanted it to be a surprise. Sorry for the confusion!_

 _**AHHHHH, I'm so sorry Moonlovers. Thank you so much for the amazing response to Chapter 7. I know it's painful, but I promise there still lots more story to get through. It's not the end! Also if you want to rip me a new one in the comments, that's fine too :P_


	9. Reasons for Leaving

**CHAPTER 9 - Reasons for Leaving**

"I was close to ending my life." She cleared her throat. "And the person who saved me was, no, is, who I am engaged to."

She tried to press the hairpin back into my hands. This had happened before. How many times was it going to happen again? I looked at the hairpin in my hand, winking in the bright sunlight.

"No."

I shook my head.

"No. I will not accept this."

I had done this before. So many times, I remembered now. Every time I had proposed with this

damned hairpin, it had failed. I suppose Hae Su or Ha Jin had an aversion to it because it was definitely happening again.

Ha Jin looked up at me; I was in such turmoil. To find her, to have her be exactly what my dreams were. It's hard to experience a miracle, let alone holding her in your arms. Every time she touched my face and referred to me as "Your highness or my prince" struck square in the chest, like I was being punched by the memory. I couldn't stop looking at her, every square inch of her soft skin, the sinuous curve of her neck, where I could lose hours of the day. I could only take in so much at a time. I needed years with this woman.

My thoughts were in chaos. Why would I remember her and be able to find her if we weren't meant to be together? It didn't make any sense. All these years of dreaming and longing only to to be stopped by an engagement to another man? The universe was profoundly cruel, but this was senseless.

I gripped the metal hairpin until it dug into my hands, using physical pain against fresh cuts.

"I don't understand, Ha Jin."

She moved away from me on the bench and I could see from the slope in her back that she was sad, whether it was me or her situation, I didn't know. My hands went to her lower back, making circles with my thumbs the way I remembered. She closed her eyes. Ha Jin turned back to me and reached for my hand. That was good, at least she didn't shirk touching me.

"I love you." She placed her hands on my face. Oh no, I knew what was coming. "I can't do this to you. To be in love with another man and you at the same time? I hate this so much. I hate myself. I don't want to be alive right now." She wrapped her arms around her folded legs, making herself into a ball.

"I couldn't stop loving you when I tried. Every moment here felt fake. I didn't want to be here. And he helped me live in this world, just like you helped me live in Goryeo." She said shakily. "I can't just throw him away."

I imagined Ha Jin, her eyes empty and blank, dragging along a lifetime of memories from me behind her like a ball and chain.

Ha Jin had traveled back four years earlier than our meeting today. Six years earlier than when Ha Jin left for Goryeo, I started gaining my memories from a thousands years ago. When she came back, she was all alone. In those four years, what was she like? My brain attempted this timeline. She mourned me. She mourned me the way a wife would mourn a husband. I'm not morbid enough to believe my love should have given up her life to find a way to be with me when she thought I was gone.

I wonder if Ha Jin felt our separation keenly, maybe even more than I did because she lived everything in order, not in the fragmentary nature of my dreams. I discovered us piece by piece, like a gigantic puzzle-I had time to examine each piece and ponder her-while she grew us deep in herself, like a tree taking root. When trees are ripped out of the ground, they leave behind huge holes and a corpse for other animals to occupy. When our tree was ripped out, I wondered if that hole was dark. So dark that she felt like she couldn't go on. I was listening when she said she longed to be with me, that she would rather die and find me again. I swallowed hard, that wasn't what I wanted.

"Is it a crime to want to live?" I asked her. She looked up at me surprised. "Ha Jin, you always said that it was not a crime to want to live. Everyone wants to live. I don't blame you for doing what you had to do survive when you came back."

I was the opposite of hopeless, I wanted her; I was full of the dreams that we created together. And the dream that just became flesh and bone was right in front of me. I had never had a clearer directive in my mind; I was going to win her back. Who said love was graceful? Love was scrabbling and hard, love was impossible to find, love wasn't without a price. Did I expect it to be easy?

And now, she had moved on. Could I be angry with her? Why would I retain all of these useless memories, pointless exercises in our past love, to fail in the face of Ha Jin's new relationship. I dismissed him outright. I almost wanted to laugh, of course this wasn't going to be as easy as just finding Ha Jin.

"I remembered when I thought I hated you." She looked at me. "When you had Chae-Ryung executed, I wasn't sure if I knew you anymore. But the moment I left the palace, I knew what I was giving up. I was giving you up. And if it wasn't for the baby, I don't know if I would have left. All that would have been left of me would be hate and pain."

"Would you have loved me then?" She wondered, almost as if to no one.

"You didn't give me a chance." I countered.

"No. I didn't." She sighed. "There was Byeol to think about."

"And Yeon Hwa." I finished her thought for her. She flinched.

"Is this like Wook?" I asked.

"No." She shook her head. "I stopped being in love with Wook the moment he threatened your life. I didn't know I was in love with you back then, but I knew I couldn't love anyone who threatened you."

"How can I not think of you." She smiled at me, like she had lost already.

"This isn't the end, Ha Jin." I remembered that that with Hae Su, it wasn't winning the battles, but the long war that counted. I didn't know how I would do it, but I would win her back. She was stubborn, her heart was true. Ha Jin or Hae Su, the soul was still the same; the same warm overflowing love that wanted to spill out towards everyone.

In my past, I was too greedy. I wanted it all to myself; trying to contain her, not understanding that it was in her nature to be generous. I remembered my paranoia as Gwangjong, when I would wake up with her in my arms, gripping her like she could float away in the middle of the night. I didn't want to do that again. I would have to convince her. And it wasn't like my previous incarnation didn't do the heavy lifting already. I wanted her. I wanted to know her. More than anything I yearned to understand her mind.

"Why do you think we met today?" I probed.

She looked back out at the lake. "I came here to make sure that this was all a dream that I had made up. That I made you up. I was coming here to put this part of my life to rest. But-, you're real. And I don't know what to do now."

"You should be with me."

"I can't." She was crying a little. "I can't do this to you again. I can't be in love with two men."

"Do you love him?"

She nodded. Aish, I thought. This girl. Always too much love to give. After a lifetime of being jealous of every single man who ever looked her way, I was thinking about a different route.

"I don't know. Your Highness-I mean-Jun Ki, I don't want to stop seeing you. Is that terrible of me?" She turned on me the full force of those eyes, I always got so lost looking at her. Her eyes were still full of warmth and intelligence. I still had never met anyone like her before.

"You may hate me right now." She was saying, "But I do love you. I am engaged, but I can't bear the thought of my life now that you're back. Is there any way-you would see me? Will you let me be in your life? You don't have to answer me right now. You can take your time. I think I've done enough damage for one day."

"Ha Jin." I got on the ground and knelt with one knee in front of her. "It's absurd to think that you can friendzone me this late in the game."

"No, that's not what's happening." She shook her head.

"You know exactly who I am." I took a hand. "You were the mother of my child, I've proposed to you three times. You are my only queen. I'm not going to pretend to be your friend."

She looked pained. "So, you won't see me?"

"No, I will see you as much as I want." I switched tactics. "Just know that every time you agree to spend time with me, I will be trying my damndest to win you back. There is not a moment on my mind when I'm not thinking about this. I'll be honest. If I have to seduce you, I'll do that. If I have to save your life again, I'll do that too. I will persist, Ha Jin. Although this time, I'd really like the avoid the poison drinking."

I got up, confidently. Hoping this bravado and bluff would work to my favor. Sometimes it did. I was managing a crisis right now. If Ha Jin wasn't ready for me, then I would make sure she was.

I realized that Ha Jin wasn't so different from Hae Su when it came to matters of the heart. This should be easier this time around, because I knew exactly what her motivations were. Hae Su was love. All she wanted to was to keep us, the sons of Taejo, together in a family, no matter the deathly ambition. In some ways, she was short sighted when it came to the present, she could never take advantage of a situation, but when it came to the long game, I knew that Hae Su was always right, it was better to love than to hate. It was better to forgive than to hold a grudge. And right now, she was worried. She was worried about hurting both her fiancé and me.

Once Hae Su decided she loved someone, she was a tenacious as a dog. She had infinite patience and tenderness, and if I was smart about it, I could direct it back towards me. I was not above playing dirty to get what I wanted. If she was in love with her fiancé, which I couldn't prove once and for all-maybe she was grateful to him, maybe she had actually fallen in love (I didn't know)-I knew that I could break his spell. I was sure of it. Every instinct told me to sweep her away to find a way to convince her one on one.

She got up from the bench and started walking away, but I didn't let go of her hand.

"Ha Jin." I looked up at her. "I'm having a hard time because of these memories. Will you help me?"

"Are you having nightmares too?"

"Yes, every night. Well, not nightmares. But, sort of." I tilted my head. "I feel confused by all of this."

"Confused by the time traveling?" She laughed to herself. "It wouldn't be my first time."

"Can we go back to Seoul?" I asked. My campaign had already begun. "I wrote everything down. Will you help me make sense of it all?"

When we settled into the train, the train attendants told me that I qualified for an upgrade, so I opted to move us to private cabin. Ha Jin looked at me nervously, but relaxed when I decided to sit across from her, instead of the next seat. I perused the snacks and handed her the package of dried squid with a cute cartoon character.

The nervous energy was rolling off her in waves. Pabo, I thought. You will never be able to convince me that you were a girl in love with someone other than me.

"Um." She played with the hem of her short dress nervously. As a man, I have to say I really enjoyed the way Ha Jin wore clothes in the present. Everything was so much more fitted, I could enjoy the curve of her waist and the span of skin of her short, but still slender legs. "What do you want to know?"

"What was it like when you came back?"

"I woke up in a hospital room." She bit the edge of the bag, trying to get around the tight seal. I grinned and took it from her and opened it with my swiss army knife.

"I drowned in this world." She chewed thoughtfully. "I was trying to save this little boy who was drowning in a lake. The rescuers who pulled me out thought I was dead. But when they got me to the hospital, they said I was still alive."

"Did he live?"

"The little boy? Yeah, he's in middle school now." She snarled a little. "The little punk never returns my texts, even though I saved his life."

I laughed. Ha Jin. I realized that in Goryeo, I had met Ha Jin long before I met Hae Su. The blustery girl who would yell at me for riding a horse too quickly, who punished a Prince for being a peeping tom, this was her in the flesh and at home again. I paused and realized that Ha Jin had only travelled to my world because she was trying to save a life. Suddenly, I felt like I was the luckiest man alive, we were finally alive at the right time.

"And then what happened."

She looked out at the speeding countryside. "It felt like my brain-."

"Was on fire." I completed her sentence. She straightened up, startled.

"Did it happen to you too? You felt the burning? It was like all of my memories were sizzling here." She pointed to the back of her head, right behind the ears.

I leaned forward, fascinated by her, and our similarities. "Yes, it felt like I was getting fried."

"Han Kyul said that it doesn't make sense because the brain doesn't have that many nerve endings."

"Who is Han-?"

She blanched. "Choi Han Kyul. My doctor."

"I assume from that face that he's more than your doctor."

She twisted her ring and refused to look at me.

"Ah. The fiancé." I thought about the name. "He doesn't happen to be a doctor at Choi General does he?"

She looked up startled. "How did you know?"

"He treated me for this." I pointed to the bandaid at the back of my head, right below the skull, where the bone gave way to flesh.

Hae Su could never resist a scar. Ha Jin chewed on her lower lip, I caught the little pearls of her teeth, pressing into her soft bottom lips. I noted; must kiss those lips later and have her nibble on me too.

"What happened?"

"A bullet."

"You were shot?" She clutched my knee suddenly. I shifted away and she looked a little surprised by the lack of contact. "Are you a gangster by any chance? Did you reincarnated into the mafia?" Her eyes were wide.

"No." I chuckled. "I'm a Corporal in the Korean National Army." I gestured to the wound. "Accident."

"It doesn't look like an accident."

"Ha Jin-ah," I teased her, "Are you also a doctor by any chance?"

She scoffed. "No. I work in makeup. Nothing important like your job." She crossed her arms,

knowing that I was teasing her. She grimaced at me, "Can't you be safer at your job? Why do you have to go out and get shot?"

"I wasn't planning on it." I grinned at her. She already cared so much about me.

"Were you in Korea all this time?" She glanced at me. "Seoul? Have you been walking around the city for all these years without me knowing?"

"No." I played with the laces of my shoes. "I was in Azerbaijan for the last three years."

"A-zer-bai-gan?"

"The one next to Iran."

"Of course."

"You know it?" I snatched a squid snack from her.

"What kind of dummy doesn't know where Azerbaigan is." She narrowed her eyes. She did always have a competitive streak when it came to knowing things. She stretched against the back of the seat and I took in the graceful lines of her body, the dress only hinted at the loveliness I knew. I wondered, if all along, Wang So was actually in love with Ha Jin. After all, she was the person underneath Hae Su. I saw how well suited she was here, on this train back to Seoul. Even though the hanboks and intricate hair ornaments made her look like a work of art in the Goryeo days, I liked this Ha Jin: freshly laundered hair, eye makeup smudged from crying over me, and her legs swinging back and forth impatiently.

"What were you doing there?" She'd been looking at me in silence for minutes.

I started talking. I told her about the green swept hills, the stench of the oil refinery, the eternal fires of Yanar Dag. How I would ride the local tribesman's horse into the far reaches of the steppes and look at the night sky that was blacker than Seoul's sky. How bright the stars were, like a million diamonds studding the ceiling of the heavens.

"You like looking at the stars too?" Her voice caught in her throat.

"Someone once told me that I had learned it all wrong from the beginning."

She laughed. "How's your astronomy these days?"

"Very good. I use an app." I pulled out my phone to show her the last constellation I took a

picture of. "Pegasus."

Her smile suddenly faltered.

The saddest thing about falling in love was that something always goes wrong. But with Ha Jin, we had made all of our mistakes already. If there were ever any two people who more than ready to try again, it was us.

"Do you still love poetry?" Suddenly, she fidgeted and was restless.

"I don't think so." I pursed my lips. "I don't have the education for it. I entered the military when I was eighteen and the academic course load for the army wasn't heavy on the poetry."

"So young?" She wondered. "You've been a soldier for almost half your life?"

"Yes." I studied her reaction. "It's in our family. My father's a general."

"Oh." She sat back and looked out the window, deep in thought. "I thought that I never understood you, Jun Ki. There were so many moments where I thought I knew it all, and you would surprise me. I guess we can never fully know a person."

"We could try. You could know me. We could know each other."

She stayed quiet. For the rest of the train ride, I looked out the window and snuck glances at her. She had fallen asleep, which afforded me all the time in the world to look at her. She was worth it. She was always worth it. She was worth it a thousand years ago and she was worth it now. I could do it. I would convince her.

We took a taxi from the train station and she looked at my street with renewed fascination. She even stopped in front of that accursed Subway and paused to tell me that these hideous yellow sandwich shops were everywhere. When she saw her billboard across the street from my building, her mouth dropped open.

"Is that how you found me?" She pointed.

"Yes." I quirked an eyebrow. "I don't think I could have asked for a clearer sign."

The door man of my building greeted us politely and winked at me when I ushered her inside. I suppose he hadn't seen me with a girl in a long time. In the hallway to my door, I glanced at her, she was so different than how I remembered her: Ha Jin had a short and sweet bob of auburn hair, but everything else was the same. Her eyes were the same, the pouty pink lips, the undisturbed milky skin. She was looking down on the ground and shifting her weight back from her right foot to her left.

My apartment wasn't anything special, a simple flat in a nice part of Gangnam. It wasn't like I was a prince living in palace. I used the special key fob and the door bleeped open. Ha Jin lifted her eyes and gave me a shy smile. This was the first time she would see where I lived.

She stepped through the threshold as I turned on all the lights in my apartment. A simple, grey monochromatic motif. There was a plum tree near the kitchen. She looked at the tree and smiled back at me.

Ha Jin kicked off her shoes and put her feet into the slippers at the front door. I observed her carefully. Our reunion was overwhelming and I wanted to make sure that I didn't scare her off. I liked her dress. I would like it even more on my floor if I was being honest. The ties of the dress was snug around her hips, making the curve as enticing as possible. Her small breasts laid neatly against her chest bones and I could see their faint outline against the dress. Her swinging bob of brown hair swept against her slender neck. She tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ears and I remembered that motion immediately from a thousand years ago. My breath hitched. Really, all those reincarnations, I knew that there was no one like her. There were so many different marriages. The weight of my memories, all those hundreds of life times, were all crushed into a smear of water colored memories.

I remember her body as clear as if she were naked in front of me right now. The slender waist, soft hips, and small breasts with her delicate upturned nipples.

"Water?" I mumbled out.

"Yes. Please."

I set a glass of water down next to her on the table.

I sat opposite her, on the chair facing the sofa. She drank the whole glass like she was dying of thirst, wiped her mouth with the back of her hands so that her lips were flushed again and wet. Was she always like this? I couldn't stop looking at her. She was breathing hard.

"Are you happy?" She gripped her glass and looked at me.

"I'm here. I don't know if I can ever truly be happy without you. I've learned a few things in a thousand years."

"Have you, now?" she smiled sadly.

A sudden spring of tears welled up in her eyes. "We were just so sad, Wang So. I still feel so much pain when I look at you. You sent me away for so long. I waited everyday for you to forgive me, and to see why I did what I did. But you never came."

"Please forgive me, now." I leaned forward and used my thumb to wipe away the tears on her cheek, but it only made her cry harder. I felt the darkness of the last days in Goryeo when I was Gwangjong expand in my memories. Those years after Su's death were worse than any physical injury I had ever sustained.

"Tell me why you didn't come."

I took in a sharp breath. Ha Jin was almost blunt to a fault. "Where do you want to begin?"

"Begin at the beginning, I want to know it all." She sat up and looked back at me. "Did you sleep with Yeon Hwa while I was alive?" Her voice wavered. And I knew I couldn't lie.

"Yes. I did."

Her eyes were wild and she got up to pace in front of me.

"I think I knew." She was holding her arms tightly around herself. "I knew. I just hoped, I don't know what I thought. I wanted you to resist, to be only mine. Of course, if I were really that ruthless, I wouldn't have let you marry Yeon Hwa in the first place."

"No. You didn't let me marry her. You were protecting me." I tried to approach her, but her cold glare stopped me. "I know you thought you had to let me marry her so that I could stay on the throne. Even Jimong told me later that he counseled you against marrying me."

"She said to me that she could protect you." Ha Jin's spine stiffened. "Did she?"

"Yes."

"Then I suppose it was wise of me to agree with her." She sounded bitter. "I loved you so much, Wang So. I lost so much of myself in you. I-I did so many things that I never thought I would do. And what do I have to show for it? I couldn't even stay alive for our daughter."

Suddenly, I connected the dots-why Ha Jin was bringing up Yeon Hwa and Byeol in the same thought. "Were you pregnant the day I proposed?"

She nodded.

Oh god. I felt nausea. I had no right to exist. She knew she was pregnant with Byeol when she gave me permission to marry another woman. I remembered how much I wanted a baby with Hae Su, that I had begged her for it. The horror and the dread of her decision. I think I finally understood.

I had placed her in this impossible position where she could give me what I wanted, but she couldn't save me at the same time. Now that I knew everything, I understood that Hae Su had truly love me more than I could fathom. She let go of the dream that we could be happy and married so that I would retain my dream, a unified Kingdom of Goryeo. If I were in her position, I wondered if I could have made the same choice knowing what I did now. That I couldn't understand her at the time, it was my own doing.

I got off the couch and knelt before her, holding my hand behind her knees. She concentrated on me, willing me to talk.

"You asked me why I didn't read your letters, why I didn't see you until it was too late."

She nodded. I traced her kneecaps and buried my face in her lap.

"When Jimong told me that you had died, I told him that you couldn't hate me that much. In a twisted way, I thought that if I didn't know what was happening with you, that we still had a chance. I knew you were sick because the royal doctor said you were weak, but I was so blind. I was blind with rage at Wook and you. And I was blind that you wanted to marry Jung and not me. I was jealous. I was angry. Every moment I spent away from you, I thought I could hurt you the way I felt like I was wounded. But I didn't know how everyday I spent away from you, you were slipping away. I was so stupid. You were dying and you tried, you tried every way possible to reach me." I shook in her lap, and I felt her gripping my neck tightly. "When I became King, I thought nothing could stop me. But-" I took a deep shuddering breath. "I finally understood years later, why you did it."

"Stop." She ran her fingers through my hair. "I don't want you to apologize to me. I never blamed you for any of it. I just wanted to understand. And you weren't wrong to be angry with me, Prince Wang So." She whispered. "I was the one who left even though I promised I wouldn't."

Hearing my name called from a thousand years ago; I felt like was drowning in the past. I got up and I sat by her. She didn't blink when I folded her into my arms and gently traced the curves of her face. She looked at me steadily; I was unnerved by her stare. A wave of emotions, both good and bad, washed over. I felt the loss of Hae Su on the day she died in Goryeo as strongly as I felt the warmth of current Ha Jin. It was disconcerting to say the least. Both physical and metaphysical. It was the warmth of her body, the smell of her hair even though she smelled like her shampoo, I read somewhere that body chemistry altered everything that touched skin. It was the factor that made everyone like themselves. No wonder that sense memory travelled for thousands of years to be here, right now. It was a signature. For me to know it was her.

She reached up for me and her fingers traced my jaw, around my mouth. Going up, her forefinger dug into my hair and came out near the right side of my face, where the scar used to be. Not in this body. This Wang So didn't have the scar. She closed her eyes as she traced where the scar would have been.

"My scar." I grabbed her right hand and held it, lacing my fingers through hers. "Do you miss my scar?"

"I loved your scar." Ha Jin sighed. "It made you who you were. And if I didn't touch you on your scar, you might have never fallen in love with me." She twisted my hair at the temples. Such an act of intimacy that wasn't possible when we were in ancient Goryeo. I held her and wound our fingers together. So many things were impossible when I was King and she was my lover, but now, now we had all the time in the world, if I could only convince her.

"I'm sorry for leaving you. I didn't want to leave you. But I couldn't survive there. After what happened to Lady Oh, I couldn't let our baby die." She sighed and pulled me into her chest, letting me rest against her heart.

"It's so steady." I looked up, relieved. "Your heart is strong."

"Yes, it's stronger in this life. Our baby. I miss her so much." She wiped her face and looked out the window. "Everyday I've been back, I've missed her. When I was carrying her, I used to imagine that you were with us. I'd imagine how you would spoil a little girl."

I felt the bottom drop out of my chest. All those months when I was in the palace, doing the job of a king and ignoring the mother of my child, she'd yearned for me. The cruelest in life was getting what you wanted, but not realizing that you had it. These are all things that I didn't know.

Ha Jin clutched her flat stomach. "I loved her so much. I wanted to see you seeing her for the first time."

"I never loved Jung." She held my hand and pleaded. "I never wanted to leave you. I just knew that I couldn't survive Yeon Hwa. I knew our baby wouldn't survive if Yeon Hwa found out."

"I understand that now." I kissed her forehead. "I've had a thousand years to think about it, Su-ah."

"What do you mean?" She sat back.

"My soul was reincarnated into this body when I was about twenty. In this present, I've been waiting for your for ten years. But I have memories of all of my past lives." I tried not to overstate how this felt to me.

"I've lived hundreds of lifetimes, but my punishment for what I did was to never meet you again. Until now."

"You were punished?"

"I was a cruel king, Hae Su." I hesitated. "The year after your death, I eliminated all of my enemies. But not Won, not Wook, and of course not Baek Ah. To consolidate powers, I purged the court. And there's also the matter of those monks I killed for my mother the night you found me by the prayer stones. General Park said that I would pay a thousand years for those murders."

She gasped softly. I didn't want to look at her, but I wanted to explain myself. I got up from the couch and walked towards the twinkling lights of Seoul, you couldn't see the stars of Goryeo in Seoul.

"You were not there to stop me. Not that it's your fault. But that I had nothing holding me back. I was enraged by your death. I thought that I had nothing to lose, and that nothing you tried to teach mattered because you were dead. I thought the fates were cruel, to take you from me when I finally was in a position protect you. But I was wrong. I was the one who lost you. Not fate. Not my enemies. Not Yeon Hwa. Not Wook. I did it. I lost you."

Were there ever two people who hurt each other as much as we did?

"Every time, my soul went into a new body, I remembered you, and every life time, I hoped to meet you again. I'm not sure why it happened to this year." I smiled at her, but it seemed to only pain her more.

"You remembered me? Every life time?" She started to get up from the sofa.

"Yes. I would always start off normal, but then our Goryeo memories would surface at different times in my life. One time, it happened when I was near death and surrounded by my children.

Another time, I knew from the age of five that you were an important person to me. I think I was repenting." I couldn't look at her.

She was breathless, vibrating with sadness. Ha Jin quickly got up from the couch and came to me. Only we understood each other because we understood the span of time that separated us. She reached out and grabbed my hand.

"I think I finally did it." My voice shook. "I finally repented enough to have you come back to me."

A low sob came out of her and she struck her fist against her chest again and again, like she could pound out the pain.

I pressed my head against the cool glass of the window and suddenly felt her arms wrap around my waist, her face pressing into my back. When I turned around to look at her, Ha Jin gave me a pained smile and reached out to stroke my cheek. The gesture was as familiar to me as my own hand because I had replayed the last time I proposed to her over hundreds of lifetimes when she reassured Gwangjong that she would be okay. At the time, I had no idea that she was pregnant. That she was both protecting me and setting me free.

"I missed you, your mind, your heart, and your body. There is not a single atom of you I have not yearned for." I whispered, grasping her hand.

When Ha Jin pulled away, she seem to shrink into herself.

She turned her back and hugged herself. "I-I shouldn't be here."

"I don't care. He will understand. You are my love." If words wouldn't move her, then maybe action would. I didn't want her to go. I was desperate; I had never felt such a keen fear before in my life. Even when I was at gunpoint in Mexico City or in the car accident that scarred my face.

"I'd be, so horrible. So cruel. To do this to you again." Ha Jin backed all the way back to the kitchen counter. She took a deep breath.

"Can you really go back to him?" I followed her. Grabbing her around the waist, the way I had always done with. "I love you. I've loved you for a thousand years. I've never forgotten. I will never forget. We had a child together, Ha Jin. You are the only family I've ever wanted."

"I cannot." Ha Jin whimpered. "I won't do this to you. I can't do this to him."

"He is nothing." I was trying so hard to control myself. "You are everything to me, Ha Jin."

When she shook her head I pressed on.

"Tell me that you don't want to make love to me. Tell me that you don't want to make another baby with me. Tell me that you don't dream about me every night."

Ha Jin looked liked like I had just struck her in the face, she ricochet back with every word, trying to deny the things I said.

She leaned far back against the counter, trying to stretch herself around the obstacle and I closed the distance between us. I put my arms on either side of her and she trembled against the cool marble.

"Ha Jin. Tell me and I will stop."

She froze and I stared down at her eyes, she was looked so soft, so yielding. I wanted to get inside of her head, to know what she was truly thinking. If I could just open her mind and dive inside, like Athena with Zeus.

I was so close, an errant breath and I'd be kissing her, trying to pour myself into her, so that she remembered why she could never leave me. I was now in that state of fire, both of us scarred by our passion for each other. How could she deny us?

"Each time I was born, you happen to me all over again." My hand went to her face, holding the curve of her face; there was no design in nature that made as much sense as Ha Jin's face to me. I could see her printed behind my eyelids.

When she closed her eyes, I leaned down and kissed her. She moaned softly, opening her mouth, gripping my hand that held her face. She was crying. I could taste her tears that mixed with the taste of her. I could never forget what kissing Hae Su felt like, but this was Ha Jin, a new layer of experience on top of everything. Kissing her was the combustion of oxygen, pure fire.

"Please stop." She pushed against me. "Please..."

TO BE CONTINUED...

**Thank you for the amazing reviews for the last two chapters. Readers have been so instrumental in getting me to hit my deadlines! Keep the comments coming! they're really encouraging, I love reading them, and it gives me great insight into the story too.


	10. Am I Enough Part I

CHAPTER 10 - Part I - Am I Enough?

The cab driver looked at me in sympathy. I was in his back seat, running through his entire tissue box. Joon Ki's kiss still burned on my mouth. I tried rubbing it away, trying to forget the memory of what just happened.

Today had gone from vacation to nightmare in a matter of 24 hours. I woke up this morning knowing who I was and now, hours later, I questioned everything true in my life. Was I Go Ha Jin or was I simply a vessel for Hae Su's memories? I didn't know anymore. I thought that part of myself was sufficiently gone, a live burial in the deepest basement, to be forgotten in the long dark winter of my past. I had no intention of returning to dig up my past. But my past refused to be buried. It screamed to be unearthed.

My fingers rested on my lips and I remembered that Han Joon Ki was alive. Han Joon Ki. The words were so beautiful to me. I couldn't believe it. Wang So was alive in the body of Han Joon Ki. My beloved. My love. My husband. The father of my child. He was still alive and he had travelled for so long to find me. I held my hand over my mouth and tried not to scream. Everything inside my chest hurt, like it was being dissolved by a strong acid. I found no relief.

What was my life now? I didn't know. This morning, I was engaged to be married to Choi Han Kyul. But now, I didn't know who would be walking down the aisle with my finacee, would it be Hae Su or Go Ha Jin? It wasn't like I had two personalities, but rather I was a Russian nesting doll, a layer of Go Ha Jin over the deeper shell of Hae Su. We were both contained in the same body and in this present state, who was right. Who was wrong? Hae Su seemed to want to emerge, stronger than ever, reaching out for her past love. And Go Ha Jin didn't care enough to stop her.

Joon Ki stopped kissing me as soon as I begged him to stop. He looked dazed as I was and he stumbled back. The taste of him was still on my mouth. The smell, the flavor, the slight difference that was Han Joon Ki and not Wang So, I could discern it all. He had a little bit of scruff growing towards the end of the night, and the roughness scrapped my mouth. I felt bruised. My heart, oh my heart, it was beating so fast that I thought I would have an heart attack right then and there. I know I didn't have the same heart problems as Hae Su, but there were so many ghosts with me right now. I wouldn't have been surprised if I limped as I got out of the cab.

Han Joon Ki was not a ghost, Han Joon Ki was real. He was as real as me.

I grasped the door handle of the taxi tightly as all the memories of Goryeo washing over me. They had been laid to rest for so long. I remembered so much. His arms around me as we rode out to the open ocean together on his horse, his breath on my neck, telling me that I was his only confidante. When he drank poison for me, his bright blood spilling everywhere onto my hands. When he gave up everything that a prince had to stand with me at the palace gates. When he killed my assassin in front of my eyes at the gyobang. The first time we made love in that tiny hanok in Hubaekje; his mouth everywhere on me, when he entered me, how he possessed my body and my mind completely. I lost myself in Wang So. When my dear Lady Oh died at the command of his father, King Taejo. Then when Yeon Hwa told me that I was responsible for her brother's downfall; that I alone destroyed Wook, my first love. Then when Jimong made me realize that I could never marry Gwangjong and have him alive at the same time. I wore my wedding robes on the day that Gwangjong married Yeon Hwa. When I looked into Yeon Hwa's eyes and she said that she could protect Gwangjong and I could not. And when Chae Ryung was tortured and killed at his command. And when Woo Hee committed suicide to save Baek Ah. The pain would not stop coming. I lost track of time in my memories and when we finally arrived at my house, the taxi driver had to yell at me to tell me I was home.

I sat on my bed in the dark. I could see the moon. What time was it in Macau? I traced my phone screen, lit in the dark, and I texted Han Kyul. Would he talk to me? I really needed to talk.

I waited, patiently to see a read receipt for an entire hour. But there was no read receipt. He was probably asleep.

The worst feeling was, I didn't feel guilty. I reveled in kissing Joon Ki, it felt like galaxies were being created inside me, like we were an infinity of bodies and feelings. How could I feel guilt? And that is why I am terrible. I didn't stopped touching Joon Ki from the moment we were reunited in that tiny gallery. My hands couldn't resist him. I betrayed Han Kyul with my eyes, with my hands, with my lips. Just looking at Joon Ki made me feel like I was untethered to my world. I wanted to take his hand and run as fast as I could away from my life, as far away from the reality that allowed me to live in Seoul. My body roamed away from faithfulness. When I curled Joon Ki to my chest, it was the same as slapping Han Kyul in the face.

I didn't do this before. I wasn't in love with Wook and Wang So at the same time. I had feelings for Wang So, but I didn't act on those feelings when I was in love with Wook. I waited, I staved off the rising tide until the long night when I watched him through his fever. He had confessed to me in his fever dream that he loved me. Of course, he had shown me he loved me in multiple ways before, but the thought of losing him was too much to bear. I confessed to him that I couldn't be parted from him anymore. He was my prince.

But he wasn't my prince, not anymore. I had no claim to him. As soon as I had fallen in love with Han Kyul, I gave up my claim to Wang So. Who was I to have a divided heart for Wang So? I know him. I knew how he was. He would never accept a partial offering. And here I was, torn between my future and my past. I didn't know which road to take.

Suddenly, I saw us in his kitchen. Joon Ki leaning over me, cradling my face in his hands. How once he started kissing me, I had no willpower. I gave into Joon Ki so quickly that it was laughable. I thought how I would feel if I saw the same scene with Han Kyul, if I saw him and his ex-girlfriend kissing passionately like the world didn't exist. Betrayal, anger, hate, resentment, all of the motions of an affair had already been set forth by me.

I hated me. I hated that I didn't wait for him the way he waited for me. Over a millenia and I waited for maybe two years? I hated that when Han Joon Ki kissed me, my heart and my body missed him so much that I forgot everything that was suppose to matter to me-my fiancee who helped me gain my life back, helped my family in every way, whom I did love-even if it wasn't the same way I loved Wang So. I hugged myself. Han Kyul saved my life in Seoul. He made it possible to live in this world, he helped me find a purpose, and he loved me. I couldn't separate the moment when I started falling in love with Han Kyul from the moment I started feeling hope again. Hope was calamity. What was I hopeful for anyway?

I had built this person named Go Ha Jin, who lied for so long that she could barely tell the difference between truth and lies. I betrayed Han Kyul. I betrayed Wang So. Somehow, I had done it both in the same breath, on the same day. I wanted to vomit, a gross amount of stomach acid rose in my throat and I felt nausea like I had never felt before. I was on birth control so I knew it wasn't another cosmic wrench in my life. It was my wretchedness that my body was responding to. How could I hurt, Han Kyul, the one who saved me and, Joon Ki, the only one who understood me in one fell swoop. I wasn't an animal. I knew I could do better, but in that moment, I had not. I had given into a terrible, easy, decision.

It was nearly five A.M. and I was looking at the grey dawn. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined Joon Ki kissing me and Han Kyul walking in. The stricken look on my fiancee's face if he saw me, guilty and carefree. How could I be so reckless with a person I loved? And what about Joon Ki? I was entangling him in this. I knew I wasn't right. Nothing about this was right. I wanted to leave this moment, warp myself into another reality where I didn't know Joon Ki existed or one where I never came back to future. I wanted to confess to Han Kyul, to absolve myself. There was ugliness inside me and it was festering. Even if I didn't confess to Han Kyul and forgot this ever happened, I would know. The guilty always know.

I put my head in my hands as I remembered my last words to Han Joon Ki. He was trembling as I pushed him away. I saw him ball up his fist into his pockets. All I could see was the pain I'd cause him in the future. There was no happiness, no hope, only another path full of agony. I didn't love him enough; he waited and I didn't.

His hands still held my face as I pushed myself away.

"I should have never come here." I didn't look at him. "I have moved on and you have not. This is cruel. I don't want to be cruel, not to you."

"I don't regret a second with you."

"If we hadn't met again, I wouldn't have to leave you." My words tasted like ash in my mouth.

"Go Ha Jin." His voice was thick with emotion.

I shook my head. "No. I think our fate stops here. I can't hurt you again."

I had to face reality. The reality was that I could no longer fool myself into thinking that my memories were false. Han Kyul had been wrong. When I was in my coma, I didn't create my memories out of thin air; somehow, my soul had been transported back in time. I didn't want to believe it. I'm a herbal specialist, not a theoretical physicist. How was I supposed to deal with time as an uncertainty? Most people took time for granted, that it only flowed in the one direction of their lives. Han Joon Ki and I had bent time. Why did time bend for the two of us?

I went into the shower, blasting the hottest water possible until my skin turned pink. Even the sting of the hot water didn't hurt. I was already in hell.

The streets in front of Sulwhasoo labs were deserted in the early morning. Street sweepers were cleaning up last night's reveries, I picked up a beer can and the street person thanked me when I place it back in the trashcan. Was everything back in it's right place? That's what I thought happened when I finally woke up from my coma and saw my mother. I was back. But I was strange, I was alien, I was different. I knew my mother saw it but she ignored it.

Rolling up my sleeves, I let go of myself in the lab. I created long chemical tables until the numbers floated around and became nonsense. I ignored my phone all day. If I could only focus on a problem I could solve, then maybe I could make sense of this impossible situation. My assistant, Kim So Eun, looked at me worried, but she knew my moods. I could be unreachable when I was deep in thought. I was the last one in the office and when I turned off the lights. Han Kyul was waiting for me in the lobby.

"Ha Jin!" He got up quickly and wrapped me in a hug. "You weren't answering your phone. Let's go to dinner. I just got back."

"Han Kyul. Can we please talk?" I grasped his hand.

"You're so serious." He frowned.

"I just need to talk."

"You're scaring me. What do you want to talk about?"

"I have a dilemma." His eyes went from warm to confused and he leaned in to kiss me. I turned away.

"I'm sorry. I should have known. I've neglected you too much. Are you mad because I've been traveling so much?"

"No. Let's go to your apartment. I need to tell you something."

On the cab ride over, the yellow streetlights made my hands a gross sallow color. I could only stare straight ahead at the back of the cab driver's head. I couldn't talk. There was too much to say.

Han Kyul ushered me inside and took my coat. I sat on his couch and looked at my fiancee. He was tall, handsome, rich, kind, caring, and perfect. Han Kyul was a list of superlatives. But more than that, Han Kyul was the person who made me feel valued in this world. He helped me discover my own worth. How many people in the world understood what you were worth and did everything in their power to help you find it? And now I was going to break his heart. Who said nice girls couldn't be cruel? I was the prime example of it.

He sat opposite of me on the coffee table, holding my hands in his. He always knew how to connect with me, in a way that I couldn't ignore.

"I saw someone today, from my past."

He nodded.

"He is-an incarnation of Wang So." I stuttered. It was ludicrous when I said it out loud. He frowned.

"Ha Jin. Are you okay? I thought we had moved beyond all of the Goryeo memories. You haven't mentioned Wang So in years."

"I thought-," I choked on my own words. "I believed what you told me. That my memories were created during my coma to fulfill a function of my brain. That's what you told me. And that's what's kept me going all these years. I thought that everything that I remembered was created by me. I made it up. But Han Kyul, the memories are real." My eyes scanned his face rapidly.

"Ha Jin, what happened when I was gone?" His tone grew urgent. "Who did you meet?"

"Han Joon Ki."

Han Kyul sat up, startled.

"Your patient. The one that was shot in the neck."

"He's Wang So?" He drew back.

"Yes. I went back to Changdeokgung palace yesterday. To find out for once and all if my memories were fake. And he found me." I began trembling. "He found me. And he remembers. He remembers everything."

He stood up and paced around. "No, Ha Jin. This is some kind of a trick. Something is wrong with you."

"Something is wrong with me. I kissed him." My eyes drifted towards the floor.

"This is a shared delusion. Sometimes, that happens." Han Kyul gripped my hands tightly. "What did he say?"

"He's Wang So, Han Kyul." I trembled.

"Ha Jin. No." He smoothed his hands across my face. "No, baby. We have to get you back in treatment. No. Time travel isn't possible, my love. This isn't real."

"It is real!" I snapped at him. "He remembers everything. I remember everything. He remembered the name of our daughter." The ball of pain in my chest started expanding again.

"Ha Jin. I'm so sorry. I've been gone for so long. I've left you alone for too long. You needed me here. You're still so fragile. Your mind is still repairing itself." Han Kyul pleaded with me. I winced, this was what I was afraid of. When I accepted all those years ago the explanation that Han Kyul gave me, there was a still a little voice inside me that whispered, 'what if he's wrong.' I didn't have any answers then, I didn't have any answers now.

"No. Han Kyul. You don't believe me. I'm not crazy. I did go back in time. Maybe not through something like a time machine, but I have all of my memories from 1,000 years ago. How do you explain a complete stranger with the same memories as me? Down to every detail?"

Han Kyul got up and paced the room.

"It's not possible Ha Jin. There's so many explanations why you might share the same memories as Han Joon Ki, but the last reason would be time travel."

"You're wrong, Han Kyul." I tried to keep my voice steady. "I don't have any explanations, but I can tell you that I remember ten years from a thousand years ago that I shared with Han Jun Ki."

"What are you going to do now? Do you want to see him?"

"No." I breathed out slowly. "No. I'm not going to go to him. I love you. But I didn't want to hide anything from you since we're going to get married."

"You kissed him?"

I nodded. Han Kyul seemed to close himself off, his shoulders hunched forward, almost like a deep bow. He was in pain. I winced. I was doing this. I'm the main culprit in this terrible triangle.

"Why? Why did you kiss him?"

It was like he had flung the question like a dagger at my stomach. I felt a spasm of pain and guilt.

"Because." I walked to where he was standing and looked at him straight in the eyes. I couldn't absolve myself, but maybe I could explain. "Because, I loved Wang So."

Han Kyul clenched his jaw. I had never seen him this overwhelmed before. He was my cool, well-composed doctor, who always played everything close to the vest.

"Do you still love him?" Han Kyul stared back at me. Was it anger? Was it hate? I knew I had to face it. I deserved whatever he would say to me. "Do I mean anything to you, Ha Jin? How could you? How could you do this to us?"

"I'm sorry." I tried reaching out for him, but he pulled back. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I made a mistake."

"Ha Jin. Was it a mistake?" He suddenly gripped me by the shoulders. "Or will I have to live with your past with Wang So or Han Joon Ki or whoever for the rest our life?"

"No. I made a mistake. I'm sorry." I cried when I realized how much I wounded my dear doctor. The person who loved me when I was just a shell, who as carefully as a watchmaker, mended my broken pieces until I found a place in this world. I couldn't begin to fathom the debt I owed him in gratitude and love. I repeated my apology over and over again, but every sentence seemed to make it worse. I couldn't take away the pain for him.

"Ha Jin." He shuddered. "I always knew you weren't completely mine."

"No, Han Kyul." I shook my head. "I do love you."

"No." He turned away from me. "I knew. I lied to myself. I tried to tell myself that I was enough. But I was never enough was I, Ha Jin? I knew it all along. That look you would get in your eyes. The way you would just break off mid-sentence. I imagined how much this would hurt, but I was wrong. To have your worst fear realized-"

"Please listen to me, Han Kyul." I stood on the edge. "I love you. I won't let my past stop my future with you. I do want our future. I want it with you. I've wanted it for years. Please believe me." I felt like I was watching him slip away.

"Then promise me, Ha Jin."

Han Kyul finally looked at me.

"Promise me you'll never see him again if you really love me."

My mouth dried up. Not to see Joon Ki again? Ever? My hands dropped to my side and I nodded numbly. It was the best thing to do. I could see wisdom in Han Kyul's request. When I asked Joon Ki if I could stay in his life, it was selfish and cruel of me, knowing that I wouldn't be returning his feelings. Han Joon Ki deserved happiness too.

Han Kyul made love to me that night and I felt it keenly, our desperation to mend things. I had cut him so deep and he was doing everything in his will power to try to not let me see how badly I had torn into him. When he finally finished, I held him in my arms and kissed him for a long time. I would stop seeing Jun Ki. I would let us go. I had done it once before.

The next morning, I woke up and Han Kyul was already dressed and contemplating me with his morning coffee. I felt trepidation.

"Good morning." He took a sip of his coffee. "Let's get away for a little while, Ha Jin." He smiled and his warmth was back. I was relieved.

"Sure." I settled back onto the pillow. "Where do you want to go?"

"In a week, let's go to Hong Kong."

I nodded. Maybe some time away would be the best thing for the both of us.

I stayed in bed for another hour since it was the weekend. My mother had been bugging me nonstop to go to one wedding shop that her old friend from college opened in the "wedding town" Ahyeondong part of Seoul. Just the thought of all those fluffy white dresses, coy veils and everything gave me a headache. I sighed and I told her I was going to wear Vera Wang no matter what so what did it matter which shop I'd get it from? I'd make an avatar online and have her try it out, an idea that my mother did not take kindly to.

The bridal consultant was very nice to us, passing champagne flutes while I perused the racks of dresses. I wasn't going to buy a dress here, but I knew it was just a way for my mother to spend some time with me.

"Oma." I blanched at a frothy number that was more veil than dress, "How did you know to marry Appa?"

"I wanted to! More than anything in the world." My mother giggled.

"I don't feel that way, Mom." I shrugged. "If Han Kyul and I were engaged forever, I would be fine with that too. This big ceremony and dress and people. If it weren't two months away, I'd never want to do it."

"What's wrong, Ha Jin?"

"Nothing." I tried to look like I cared about the beading on a particular bodice. "I'm just worried about getting married. What if it changes everything? What if I change? What if Han Kyul changes?"

"Oh honey. Of course you'll change. But the point of life is to choose someone you can change with. Someone who's there to appreciate everything."

"Someone who's there." I repeated to myself.

"Yes. Are you worried about marrying Choi Han Kyul?"

"I do love him, Oma. And he's done so much for me, and for our family. I don't even know what my life would be like without him."

"You shouldn't marry him because you're grateful, Ha Jin. You should marry him when you want to build a life with no one else. That's what I felt with Appa. I didn't want anyone else. Through the bitterness and the sweet. That's a marriage." My mother put her hand softly on mine. "I do like Han Kyul. But you're such a strong girl now. Ever since you came out of your coma, I see you getting better and smarter everyday. Whatever you decide, will be the right choice. Trust yourself, my dear."

I hugged my mother. She was right. I had to trust myself more.

I was eating lunch with my assistant, Kim So Eun, at work when I got a series of overeager text from Seung Won. It was So-Eun who noticed all the SMS alerts first.

"Your phone is going crazy!" She pointed with her chopsticks.

"Aish. It's this friend of mine who just graduated from college." I put down my spoon and checked my phone. Seung Won gave me a long list of things he wanted for his birthday as well as the location and time and date in his stream of consciousness texts. I sighed. Seung Won was so excitable. He was like a puppy sometimes.

"So Eun," I showed her the long texts, "Looks like we have to move my business dinner. I have to go to a birthday party."

On the night of the birthday party, I took my guitar out of the closet. It hadn't been tuned in ages. I used to play a lot more often in graduate school, when I had the time. I found that plucking the strings really helped me relieve the stress pre-exams or during one of my all nighters in the lab. I adjusted each wooden peg, getting lost in the ritual of getting an instrument ready.

"Where are you going?" Han Kyul asked when he saw that I had hauled out my guitar.

"Oh, to a birthday party. Wanna come with?" I strummed the guitar a little. "I might sing?"

"Maybe." He leaned in a smiled. "You are very beautiful when you sing."

"And when I'm sad."

"You're heart-stopping when you're sad." He fluffed my hair. "Text me later. I have to entertain these clients, but I can probably stop by."

He gave me a long, lingering tender kiss. Ever since our fight about my past memories, he was more attentive to me. I chalked it up to both of us trying harder, understanding that relationships would flounder unless we gave it the time and care it needed. Love was a plant and you had to water it or it would wither and die.

I had the guitar slung around my back when I finally got to Seung Won's place in Gangnam. During his graduation, I only met his family very briefly before he was whisked away. I enjoyed Seung Won's little moonwalk across the stage and nearly died with laughter when I saw it. I wondered if I would meet his brother tonight, the one that was injured badly during the Presidential motorcade.

I checked my reflection in the plate glass of a building and liked what I saw. I decided to go for a very bohemian inspired look to go with my guitar, off the shoulder velvet top and comfortable jeans with a long thick wool coat. If Joni Mitchell were Asian, that's how I wanted to look.

I knocked on Seung Won's door loudly and shouted,

"Birthday boy, come out and get your spanks!"

I raised my hand, ready to do some birthday spanking, when the door opened. I gasped.

It was Han Joon Ki.

 _**author note: Part II of Chapter 10 is already written! Give me those 30+ reviews and I'll put out the chapter early!_


	11. Am I Enough Part II

**Chapter 11 - Part II - I am not Enough**

"Omo." I lowered my hand. Han Joon Ki blinked once, surprised to see me, but then he tilted his head and gave me a devastating smile.

"Go on." He grinned at me. "I could use a spanking too."

I was blushing violently.

"What are you doing here?" I shifted uncomfortably. I didn't know if I should go in or not.

"You're here for Seung Won's birthday party?" He invited me in. "I'm his older brother."

"You are? The one that was injured during the Presidential Motorcade?"

"How did you know about that?"

"I saw Seung Won at the hospital that day when I was visiting my fiancee."

"Ah." He lowered his eyes. He looked curiously at the guitar on my back. "Do you play?"

"I do." I began sweating bullets. I was completely unprepared for this situation. Han Joon Ki looked placid and composed, he greeted me like I was a new friend instead of his thousand year old lost lover. Thank god we weren't always tears and poignant touches all the time-it would be exhausting.

I walked in and looked around. The place was packed to the gills; it was steaming hot in the party, with tons of college age kids. There were jello shots in the corner. Soju pounding contests near the bathroom. I saw one girl, red in the face, running to the sink to throw up. I immediately felt old.

"Do you want a drink?" He leaned in and asked against my ear, the party music was already overwhelming and loud. I flinched when I caught a whiff of him; he was so close, his lips would brush the side of my cheeks if the wind blew the wrong way.

"Yes." I shook off my tension. "Peach soju?"

"Noona!" Seung Won bounded out of nowhere. "You made it! And you brought the guitar. You're the best!"

"Happy Birthday, Seung Won!" I hugged him and secretly slipped a paddle out of my guitar bag and whacked him a few times.

"Ah!" Seung Won was startled. "Aish, Noona. I thought you would be more mature than that."

"It's the only good thing about being called a Noona." I winked at him. "No one knows how childish I really am."

"You already met my brother, Han Joon Ki." Seung Won gestured to him. "Hyung! Hyung!" He was waving his hand in front of Joon Ki, who had lost himself in a moment. I looked at him curiously and suddenly I had the same feeling of deja vu. It was a birthday party. Eun's birthday party. I looked at Seung Won and a sinking feeling of recognition began to flood through my sense.

Seung Won was Wang Jung. I had no idea until tonight that Jung was reincarnated too. Even though I had met Seung Won years ago, the pieces weren't in place yet. The first time I met Seung Won, I remember liking his face, but without any memories attached. There was something cosmically weird about tonight. Joon Ki must have saw my face at the moment when recognition hit because he quickly grabbed my wrist.

"Go Ha Jin," he got my attention when I was about to fall into a dream state too. "Come with me. Help me prepare Seung Won's cake."

I was glad to be out of the party, I was getting overheated. We walked out to the balcony. Seung Won had a nice apartment too. I suppose being a Han afforded some pretty decent real estate in Gangnam. The cake was outside on a table, kept cold by the weather.

"Seung Won is Jung?" The words blurted out of my mouth. "Did you know?"

"No." He shook his head. "I thought your memories were entirely intact when you came back. How did you not recognize Jung?"

"I'm not sure why it happened just now." I rubbed my hands together, the air was very cold thirty stories up. "Maybe we see what we want to see."

"You saw me." He wasn't looking at me, but rather the night sky.

"Ah." I hesitated. "You're saying that I wanted to see you."

"Didn't you?"

"I-I," I was starting to be really cold. "I've always wanted to see you. It's not something I can help."

Joon Ki suddenly lit up. "How are you Go Ha Jin?"

"I'm good, Joon Ki." I nearly ended things with my fiancee because of you. But I didn't say those words. I was trying to make better choices.

He leaned carelessly against the balcony, so that I could see the moonlight strike the side of his face. His eyes were soft when he looked back at me.

"I still can't believe you're real." His voice was husky. "You were always in my dreams."

"Joon Ki," I smiled wryly, "that line stopped working a thousand years ago."

"Are you asking me to hit on you in a more original way?" He teased back.

"No." I shook my head. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, but his jaw was tight and he looked he wanted to say something devastating; so I jumped in.

"Do you ever think about who came back and who didn't?" I thought of all of Taejo's sons.

"I didn't think it was possible until I saw you at the palace last week."

"Baek-Ah." I grinned at his memory. "He'd really turn this party out. Or Eun. He'd be chasing Seon-Duk around." Suddenly, I felt pangs inside me. Eun and Seon-Duk both died in front of me. I watched them die. I had watched Wang So mercy-kill his own brother. I swallowed hard. Life was so brief in Goryeo. I blinked back the tears.

"What's wrong, Ha Jin?"

"I'm just happy to be alive." I wiped my face. "That's all."

"Baek-Ah. I remember now. He was my closest brother wasn't he?" Joon Ki marveled at this new piece of information.

"Maybe not everyone came back to Korea." I suggested. "Maybe Eun is Chinese now, or Swedish. Who knows. No one's writing a book about this. And I'm a bad history student." It struck me. "But, does Seung Won know about us? Does he remember us?"

Joon Ki shook his head.

"The first time I ever saw you, I was in a car accident when I was twenty years old. I saw you and the throne. And our lake. Seung Won was the first person I told about those visions. He had no clue what those images meant. He did suggest that it was probably a past life, so he's got some brains."

"You and I are the only people who retained our memories of the past." I pondered.

"Are you unhappy that you remember me?" He took one step towards me.

I shook my head slowly. "I wanted to forget you. But I could not."

"You don't think there's a purpose behind our memories?"

"I once asked someone why I was going through all of this pain if it wasn't real? What was the point of it all if my brain had made everything up. But now that I know you're real, I only have more questions. Why was I sent back? Why did I meet you? Why did all of this happen?"

"You don't believe in fate." Jun Ki quietly asked.

"Fate has a habit of screwing me over." I muttered. "What did you think when you first saw me in a vision?"

"That I loved you."

"Oh." I guess I shouldn't have asked. I looked back down at the ground, willing the tension to go away. Han Kyul wouldn't be happy right now. Only a few day after promising I wouldn't see Joon Ki, I was alone on a balcony with him.

"I don't think we should tell him." I said suddenly. "Jung and Wang So were ripped apart by their mother. And you and Seung Won seem-you seem happy. It makes me feel like this life is better for you, Joon Ki. Is it a better life, Joon Ki?"

He took another step forward. He exhaled and the large plume of breath floated away.

"You don't have to worry about me hating Seung Won. He's my favorite person in my terrible family."

"Is your family terrible?"

"Aren't all families terrible? Isn't that what Tolstoy said?"

"All happy families are the same. All unhappy families are unhappy in different ways."

"Which one are you, Ha Jin?"

"The first one." I glanced at him, "I have a happy family."

The sliding glass door slid open and Seung Won popped out his head.

"What are you two doing out here? Aish, Ha Jin don't listen to my brother too much. He's only got boring military facts. Are you bored right now, Ha Jin? Come with me. We'll do the song."

I got pulled into the party and threw a despairing look to Joon Ki. He crooked a smile and waved me on. Seung Won dragged me to the center of the party where he had set up a mic stand. I grabbed my guitar and waited to see what he wanted to do.

Seung Won set up a barstool in the center and waved me to the microphone. I was usually shy performing in front of people, but for some reason today, the nerves were gone.

"Everyone! I have a special treat for you. This is Go Ha Jin, my noona from another mother. We met one day at an open mic because she was butchering a cover of a Ramones song."

I groaned. Seung Won was really determined to do this.

"But today, she promised to sing my favorite song "I Don't Wanna Love Someone Else." So I present to you, Go Ha Jin."

I found the first three chords easily enough. I began:  watch?v=N5CLQKKjzo8

I glanced up at Seung Won while I was singing, and smiled through the different chord changes. It was one of the first songs I ever learned on the guitar, so my fingering was at least competent. Seung Won had his right arm slung around Joon Ki's shoulders as I moved to the second stanza. I couldn't look at Joon Ki, I felt like if I met his eyes, my voice would die in my throat and my fingers would forget their intended purpose.

 _Oh, I built a world around you_

 _Oh, you had me in a dream,_

 _I lived in every word you said_

 _The stars had aligned_

 _I thought that I found you_

I winced. Seung Won picked a song that was so cutting. I wanted to stop singing. But something kept me going. I wanted to sing this song. I wanted to tell Joon Ki how I felt. I wanted him to understand my feelings. That I was beyond sadness about us. I had grieved us for so long. That I wanted to die when I came back to this world. The blackness that surrounded me like a suffocating cape.

 _And I don't wanna love somebody else_

 _Oh, we left it all unspoken_

 _Oh, we buried it alive_

 _And now it's screaming in my head_

 _Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping_

 _Oh, that you will change your mind_

 _And one day we could start again_

 _Well I don't care if loneliness kills me_

 _I don't wanna love somebody else_

On the last stanza of the long, I let my voice linger on the last note while my fingers finished the chords, and I finally looked into Jun Ki's eyes as I finished the song.

 _Oh, I thought that I could change you_

 _Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell_

 _I know that it's time to tell you it's over_

 _But I don't wanna love somebody else_

But I did. I did love someone else. Was I singing about myself or was I singing to him? I imagined that the room empty out with each verse that I sang. No one was there except for Jun Ki. I felt his eyes on me during the entire song. His face was pained, like he understood exactly what I was singing about. It was like I had punched him in heart. His eyes were fixed on mine, and I felt this stillness expand around us. It was always like this; when I was with him, I had no room for anyone else. I licked my lips nervously. He didn't break eye contact and I couldn't look away.

Only when Seung Won approached me clapping did I realized I actually had to leave. I bowed a little and went back into the party.

"Ha Jin!" Seung Won was saying to me. "That was great!"

"It was." An older woman said to me. She looked at me curiously. "I'm Jin-Jeong, Seung Won's mother. I don't think we've ever met before. Are you a singer?"

I laughed. "Oh no. I'm not. This is just something I do to relieve stress. Seung Won, I'm not sure why you had me sing?! There are so many people. I almost bailed."

"I'm glad you didn't." Seung Won waved another older man over to us. "This is my father, General Han."

I bowed deeply and when I met General Han's eyes, I had to steel myself again. I heard an ancient voice: 'Do not get so hung up on the future that you lose what you have now.' His words from a thousand years ago echoed in my brain. It was King Taejo. I looked back over at Jin-Jeong. Queen Yoo. I stepped back and bumped into Jun Ki, and he looked down at me curiously. My eyes darted from Queen Yoo to King Taejo and back to Jun Ki. My stomach turned into a pit of ice. What did it mean that all of them were here now? Jun Ki wasn't the only one to come back. But none of them recognized me, or knew me. Queen Yoo hated me. I remembered. King Taejo, I think, was indifferent to me. Even though he said that he regarded me as his child, I couldn't quite take him at his word after I was tortured under his orders.

"You're very pretty. Even for an older woman." Jin-Jeong's acid tongue had not changed. "What do you do?"

"I work in makeup." I smiled tightly. I couldn't help but feel the fear of the palace began creeping back into my chest. After all, I was in front of incarnations of the two people who were the most powerful in Goryeo. Queen Yoo orchestrated Wang So's poisoning and I had nearly lost him that day. I couldn't stamp down the dread when I looked at Seung Won's parents.

"She's so modest! Ha Jin is actually the CEO of her own company." Seung Won grinned proudly.

"Oma, are you grilling Seung Won's friend?" Joon Ki laid an easy hand on my shoulder, brushing the exposed skin from my off-the-shoulder top. I shivered when the heat of his hand transferred onto me. I was acutely aware that he was close, my shoulders bumping against his chest. It wasn't his fault, it was just a crowded party.

"I just want to get to know everyone. No one tells me anything." Jin-Jeong pouted.

I wondered why Joon Ki's entire family reincarnated together. Were we all stuck together on another fated journey together? The thought terrified me. I recoiled from the idea.

Seung Won went back to the mic stand and got people's attention.

"Everyone. Thank you so much for coming to my birthday. I have an announcement to make."

I felt Joon Ki's hand drop from my shoulder and I looked up at him, curious. He tightened his jaw and it looked like he was preparing for something.

"As you know, I've been protesting the current administration-"

He got cut off by the huge cheering in the room. Jin Jeong and General Han both looked uncomfortable by this youthful energy.

"I've decided to take on my first job after college as a community organizer at Citizen's Coalition for Economic Justice."

"Otoke!" I heard Jin-Jeong whisper under her breath. When I glanced at her, she was gripping General Han's sleeve tightly.

"I will demand things for us, the students. Relief from student loans!"

More cheers and hooting.

"Job opportunities for people, not just from elite schools, but people who are qualified!"

Seung Won was stirring his party into a frenzy now. "Thank you for coming for my birthday. I am going to donate all of your gifts to the CCEJ so that we can fight the injustices of the system. I hope you can support me!"

The sound in the room was deafening. Joon Ki looked a little worried and he kept glancing at Jin-Jeong. General Park didn't change his expression, truly a poker face through and through.

After Seung Won was done being congratulated by his friends, he came back over to us.

"Seung Won, what do you think you're doing?" Jin-Jeong's voice was like ice.

"You were the one who said that we didn't know how government worked and we didn't know how to take action. I'm doing it, Oma. I'm taking action."

"By siding with those-those terrorists?!" She was livid.

I wondered if I should back out of this family drama. Jun Ki looked like he was zoning out of the situation too, his eyes were down and his hands were balled into fists by his side. I didn't know what made me do it, but I took his hand and squeezed it. He looked down at me, startled. This was clearly something that happened often with the Hans. Not to mention, Jun Ki already gave me a quick primer on his family on the balcony. Here I was, seeing that lesson playing out in real time.

"Why would they trust you? Look at your heritage. You grew up with all the advantages of life. Your father is a general, I'm a politician. Without us, do you think your actions would be possible? You're one of us, Seung Won, not them."

"That doesn't matter to me." Seung Won's back was like a ramrod. "1987. All it took in 1987 was for us to realize that we struggled needed political freedom. Everyone united. The workers, the students, and the middle-class. We will do it again."

"What did I do in my life to make you this way?" Jin-Jeong's voice rose to a fever pitch. She grabbed her son's wrist. General Han wearily looked away. I noted that Joon Ki made a move, but stopped himself.

"I do not support the current President, Oma." Seung Won said through gritted teeth. "She has no future in this country, because she wants to go back to the past."

"How could you do this to me?!" Her face began trembling and falling apart. "Your mother has worked her entire life to give you the best life possible. And now it's my turn, Seung Won. I am running for mayor of Seoul, and you will be on my side when my campaign begins."

"No, Oma." Seung Won handed her a set of keys. "I won't live off your money. One day, you'll understand my reasons."

This was a side of Seung Won I had never seen before. He was steely and determined; all the youthful puppyish energy was gone and replaced by fire and conviction. I wonder who he got it from.

"Seung Won! If you walk out of the door, I'm kicking you out!"

Jun Ki finally spoke up. "Seung Won!"

Seung Won turned around. By this time, the party was so quiet we could hear a pin drop in the room. No one even dared to sip their drink.

"Seung Won. You're too young to understand that labor movements can be violent. They can be dangerous. Oma doesn't want you to get hurt." Jun Ki was on Jin-Jeong's side? I was surprised.

"What do you think father? Am I making a mistake?" Seung Won challenged General Han. "I may not be in the army, but I am still serving my country."

"Seung Won. Korea is not the same as it was in 1987. You can find a different way to work in the system. I don't think striking is as useful anymore." Jun Ki sounded worried.

"Hyung!"

"I think you're right. You have the right to do what you want. But your family wants what's best for you. It's dangerous work and I don't want you to do it."

I glanced at Joon Ki and realized how much he loved his little brother. He was willing to yell at Seung Won about a dangerous job yet Joon Ki had no qualms about being a soldier in the crossfires of god knows where. The way he brushed off that bullet wound, I assumed it was his first injury in action. Suddenly, I was scared. I was scared for all of us. After all, the last time we were all like this in Goryeo, things didn't turn out too well for everyone in the room.

Seung Won and his mother were locked in a heated debate. His father, General Park, in a deep conversation with Joon Ki. Before the feeling of lightheadedness passed, I decided on an irish goodbye. I would just slip out of this party unnoticed so I could go home and sort things out. I need to reconcile what I saw tonight against what I knew from my past. I essentially had just been embroiled with all of my Goryeo in-laws from a thousand years ago. At least this time, there were no swords or poisonings. I needed space. I snuck into the bedroom where the coats were and grabbed mine. I was half-way down the street before I heard Joon Ki calling my name.

"Go Ha Jin!" He ran towards me, great puffs of breath coming out in the night air. "You forgot this."

He had my scarf and wrapped it gently around me, so that only my eyes were peeking out. I pulled the wool down under my chin.

"Thank you."

"I want to say something, Go Ha Jin."

I rocked back and forth on my feet. My nose was completely frozen, but I felt so nervous, like my insides were quaking.

"I understand that you're engaged." He took my gloved hand. Even through the thick leather, I felt a shiver run up and down my arms. "I don't think you will marry him, Ha Jin."

I shook my head. "That's an awful thing to say, Joon Ki." I glanced at him. It didn't look like he was taking pleasure in telling me this. "I love him. I am marrying him."

"Will you be happy? You still love me."

"You deserve someone who loves no one else but you. You deserve someone whom you'll build a life with together. Someone who's there for you." I squeezed his hand. "I am no longer that person for you. We were doomed from the start."

"Ha Jin, you are the only person for me." His eyes were so soft and I saw his gaze drift down to my mouth. He leaned down slightly and I stiffened into myself. "I will wait for you."

"Let's stop this." I murmured. "I am not free to love you."

"I'm leaving tomorrow night." He suddenly said. "I was going to find you and tell you that I'm going overseas again." My heart skipped a beat. To have Joon Ki return and disappear so quickly. I was irrationally angry. What could I do? When he said that he would wait, he didn't say where. I couldn't ask him to stay in Korea just so I knew he was safe. I had no rights to ask anything of Jun Ki.

"For how long? Where?"

"A year. I have a new tour of duty in Somalia."

"How dangerous is it?"

"I'll come back." He smile drew up on the right side of his face. "I always do."

I nodded. I would have to accept this new order. To know that Han Jun Ki was alive, but somewhere else in the world. It was the choice I made.

"What happened to seducing me and convincing me?" I joked because I was already feeling hopeless. I'd promised Han Kyul I wouldn't see Joon Ki, but was it wrong to want to know that Jun Ki was safe? I wanted him to be happy, even if it was without me. Cold comforts were not meant for me.

"I think you need time." He enclosed his hands around mine. "In the past, I would have tried to take you away. I would have tried convinced you to run away with me. Maybe even kidnapped you on a horse. But after the other night, I know that you love me. And Go Ha Jin, I believe that you'll make the best choice for the both of us. Because I don't think you ever forgotten me in your heart."

"You trust me?"

He nodded.

"Be safe. I couldn't bear it if something happened to you." I tried to keep my voice steady. I could already feel the pain in my heart pumping through to the rest of me.

I wanted to touch him, but pulled myself back at the last second.

"I will be married by the time you come back. Please have a good life."

I bowed stiffly and got into the waiting taxi.

I didn't dare to look back at Joon Ki. I had done it. I had finally broken us.

I tried pulling my scarf off, I was suffocating. I couldn't breath. The air inside my chest felt like it was expanding with nowhere to go. I yanked hard and the damned thing would not come off. I felt like I was choking. My fingers felt around the thick layers of fabric until I found the problem. My hands brushed against the cool metal. My hairpin. Joon Ki had tucked the hairpin into the scarf, returning it to me. I held the glittering object in my hand and a sob came out of my chest. I keeled over in the cab, the spasm of pain spreading from my heart to everywhere in my body. I know I did the right thing, so why did I feel like I was in hell?


	12. 50 Ways

**Chapter 12 - 50 Ways**

When I got home after Seung Won's birthday party, I sat in the dark for a long time, holding the hairpin that Joon Ki returned to me. I traced the outline of the gems and polished the carved peony flower over and over again until I felt rawness at the tips of my fingers.

I looked my suitcase, packed and ready to go in the corner of my room. I was suppose to go to Hong Kong tomorrow with Han Kyul. It was a trip for us to mend all the things I had torn apart since my confession about kissing Joon Ki. I felt guilty. I wondered if I just undid everything by telling Han Kyul about my mistake. I hated secrets. If there was anything I learned in my past life as Hae Su, it was keeping things from your partner always led to separation. I wanted to be honest. Even if it would ruin the two of us, I had to be honest with Han Kyul. I kept thinking about Han Kyul's pained question: "How could you? Do I mean anything to you?" It was even worse than I could imagine. I had no answers for Han Kyul other than that I was a weak person who gave into a moment that she didn't know she was waiting for. I twisted the hairpin in my hand.

"Will you be happy? You still love me."

His words kept echoing through me. What did it mean in the grander scheme of things? Joon Ki had phrased it in such a peculiar way. He didn't declare himself to be hopeless without me. He said, matter-of-fact, that I was still in love with him, and I didn't correct him. Because I knew he was right. He always saw me so clearly. When he said the words Somalia and one year, I felt my stomach twist like it was gripped in a vice. It almost felt like a dream, the way we reunited, a maelstrom of emotions, bitterness, loss, grief, happiness, impossible longing, and that kiss that I was still paying for.

I didn't sleep very well. I woke up around 5 A.M. and tried to read a novel, but I could barely focus on the words. I felt so unsettled.

When my phone vibrated, it was Han Kyul.

"Ha Jin." I heard Han Kyul's voice, reassuring and deep. "Are you ready to go?"

I set down the hairpin and tucked into my desk. Where I was going, I didn't need it.

At the check-in counter, I was surprised when the flight attendant handed us two first-class tickets to Shanghai.

Han Kyul winked at me, "Last minute change in plans."

"Shanghai?"

"Don't worry. This time of year, Shanghai is much prettier than Hong Kong."

"I just wished that you had told me. I prepared and now I'm-."

"Ha Jin," Han Kyul took my hand, "You won't need to do anything. My assistant planned out our entire itinerary and we're completely taken care of."

"It's not that." I hesitated. I wasn't sure why I was so unnerved by this new change in plans. After all, it wasn't like Han Kyul cancelled our trip, it was just a different destination.

On the plane ride, he immediately fell asleep after the safety announcements while I stayed wide awake. When I slid up the window on my side, I looked down at the billowing white clouds, as fluffy as cotton batting, thousands of meters in the sky.

I wondered how far Somalia was down on the blue marble earth spinning below the plane.

When we landed, Han Kyul turned out to be right. Almost every detail was arranged. I was whisked from plane to taxi by a uniformed gentleman, Mr. Lee, who made the experience of international travel like smooth montage of white-glove service. We didn't even see a customs officer. It didn't feel like we were traveling as much as we were being gently carried from one place to another. I didn't feel annoyed, once. I looked at Han Kyul and he didn't seem to notice Mr. Lee's extra efforts. He took it all in stride.

Mr. Lee pulled the town car into the Four Seasons in Pudong and I gazed up the glass tower before I stepped out. I only caught a glimpse of the gleaming lobby, with a huge silver mobile dangling like a thousand daggers over people's heads, before we were led into a private entrance. The hotel elevator was so quiet on the way up that before I knew it, we were on the penthouse level. I had never taken a trip like this with Han Kyul before. He was forever hopping from Beijing to Shanghai to Seoul to Tokyo and I had been too busy with graduate school and then work to take time off. I wondered if all rich people travelled like this, never mixing with other people and only occupying their dustless, monied spaces.

The penthouse gleamed with teak and stone, like a quietly plush temple. I tiptoed in and craned my neck to look the high the ceilings; they were two stories tall, with a bedroom loft at the top that overlooked everything like an eagle's nest. The feeling of understated luxury was everywhere, like I couldn't touch anything without a butler immediately wiping off my fingerprints.

"I wanted this to be special." He nodded to Mr. Lee who left a lacquered black box on the dining room in the penthouse. I spun around a little, the penthouse was larger than my family's entire home in Korea.

"Does anyone need this much space?" I looked around for the slippers and realized a pair of Prada velvet moccasins, in wine red, and my size were already waiting by the sofa.

"Sometimes, people like to entertain in hotels." Han Kyul shrugged nonchalantly. There were only a few moments in our relationship when I realized that Han Kyul was not like me. There was the time for my birthday when he rented out an entire five star restaurant and had a staff of twenty waiting on us. I felt unnerved by the experience so he never did it again. And a few months ago when Han Kyul got into a minor fender bender in Cheongdamdong and immediately switched out his one year old car for a new Mercedez.

"What's in the box?"

He took took the gleaming black rectangle and placed it on my lap. I wasn't sure how to returned his mysterious smile.

"Open it."

I opened the box and lifted out a black dress.

"Do you want me to wear this?"

He nodded.

I went into the bathroom and glanced my reflection nervously. I didn't know what was going on. I felt utterly out of my element. I liked to be at work and I liked to be with my family. I enjoyed our relationship with both our feets were planted firmly on the ground. This gossamer spun fantasy in Shanghai seemed too airy, like expensive cotton candy that would only ruin your appetite for a real meal.

"I can't wear this!" I shouted from the bathroom.

"Ha Jin, come out a show me."

"I am ninety-nine percent sure this is on backwards."

When I stepped out again, Han Kyul's eyes raked over me. He had changed into a suit and he looked better than a Korean James bond, with looks to kill. But it was the way he was looking at me that made me blush.

"Wow."

I looked down, the silk plunged right to my rib cage. The dress was intricate, black translucent silk laid over skin tight leather that warmed to my skin. It created the illusion that I was nude underneath the bodice. Thank god I had small breasts, or they would be spilling out of the black silk gown, straps as thin as hair crossing over the shoulders and flaring out into floor length train that made me look as tall as I've ever dreamed of.

"If you want me to move in this dress, then I've got other news for you." I stumbled over the train.

He walked quickly over to me and helped me to my feet. He quirked a half smile at me.

"I've always wanted to spoil you."

"I'm pretty spoiled already, if you can't tell." I walked carefully over to the window and looked out the expanse of the glittering city. I felt Han Kyul's fingers lightly trail up my bare back where he caressed my neck and gave me a soft kiss at the nape. I shivered. Normally, I'd be doing all kinds of protest at the fancy dress, the hotel, and the butler. I'd be insisting on going to some hole-in-the-wall restaurant so I could try all the local specialties. But I was trying to go with the flow on this. This was Han Kyul's idea and I wanted him to feel like I appreciated everything.

"Where are we going?" I glanced up at him.

"They'll be coming here."

"Who?"

"I'm hosting a dinner tonight, here." He went to the door of the penthouse and opened the door where a fleet of hotel staffers waited. "Come in. Please help us setup."

"What is all of this?" I clutched my dress nervously as I watched the support staff wheel different kinds of trays into the kitchen. Everyone moved in synchronicity, like a ballet of silverware setting, perfectly folded napkins, gleaming cocktails shakers, and plating caviar ladened hors d'oeuvres. Han Kyul spoke to the head waiter and everyone quickly snapped to attention.

"Ha Jin," He walked back over to me and took my hands. "I need you to help me tonight. We have to entertain about six different chairman tonight. They know that you're my fiancee. Now, they want to see a few things tonight. They want to know that I'm a serious family man and they want to meet my future wife."

"Oh." I tried to keep the nervousness out of my voice. Just how much was riding on tonight?

"I realized that I might have made a mistake keeping you away from this part of my life. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I've been hiding this part of my life, or maybe I was trying to protect you from it. But you've always been so honest with me. Even when it hurts." He squeezed my arms. "I need you to see this part of me too. If you are going to marry me, you need to see everything."

I remembered my conversation with Madam Choi when she asked me if I was ready to become part of a world that I wasn't trained for; I replied with something patently ridiculous like, I could learn anything. But now in the face of all of this ceremony and responsibility, I realized how unprepared I was.

"Han Kyul." I squeezed his hand and I frowned. "What if I ruin everything? What if I say the wrong things? I can be really truthful and rude. What if-?"

"Ha Jin," He winked at me. "If anything goes wrong, just say "China is an amazing country."

Ha Kyul gave me quick rundown of the guest list. Just your normal titans of industry guest list where they could make or break your life. I wasn't nervous at all. Of course not. I couldn't help feel like this was a test of me, to see if I could jump through the right hoops to be the right kind of wife.

"Mr. Liu of Wang Su, Mr. Ao of Beijing Technology, Mr. Liu of Pacific Pharma, Mr. Li of Boeing China, Mr. Zhou of Middle Country Steel." I recited after the last run through of the guest list.

"You're so fast." He hugged me. "You're going to do great."

"Han Kyul," I hung on to the hug for a beat. "Is this a test?"

He leaned back and stroked my hair. "Of course not. Think of this as a dry run for the future."

"Excuse me, Miss." One of the female hotel staffers addressed me in Korean.

I turned to look at her. She held her bow. I shook off a memory and bowed back.

"Please let me assist you with your dress and makeup."

I made a face at Han Kyul in surprise but he waved me off and I followed her back to the marbled bathroom. She had me stand straight while she pulled out a few pieces of double-sided tape which she placed strategically all over my body, taping my exposed skin to my dress, revealing just enough. So, that's how they did it, the girls who wore dresses like the one I was wearing. I could be standing in front of a fan and nothing scandalous would happen. Tape was insurance.

"So, can I go rock climbing now?" I grinned at her. But she only gave me a demure smile as a response. She gestured to the seat in front of the bathroom vanity.

I sat in front of the mirror as she carefully cleaned and primed my face. I closed my eyes for a moment, steeling myself for the night ahead. In a way, I had been too naive with Han Kyul, thinking that our relationship was all we needed. It was the same mistake I had made with Wang So, trying to love only the man, but not everything else that he stood for. I took a deep breath. If I was really going to marry him, then I had to accept it all.

When I opened my eyes again, my face looked completely different. I preferred a softer, more natural look, so I suppose this was my war paint for the dinner. She made some final touches with HD powder and I walked back out.

"You look beautiful." Han Kyul wrapped his arm around me and rested his hand at my lower back. "One more thing."

He had a velvet jewelry box ready on the table. I stared at it. It was more diamonds than I'd ever seen in my life. I suppose I had to look the part. The necklace was heavy, much heavier than I imagined when Han Kyul placed it around my neck.

"Are you ready?"

For the next three hours, I smiled, I spoke my limited English and Chinese to the best of my abilities. But most of all I stood by Han Kyul and looked every inch the chaebol wife he needed me to look. I had to deliver the visual harmony that told these greying men that Han Kyul was indeed a solid, stable force for the future.

When the last CEO finally bid us good night, Han Kyul and I both sighed with relief. He grabbed me and spun me around in the air.

"You did so well, Ha Jin." He set me down on the ground and nuzzled into my ear. "I knew you could do it."

"Did I?" I grinned back. "I felt like I was faking it the entire night."

He shrugged. "That's normal. We'll fake something until it feels right."

We collapsed on the couch and he took my feet out of the pinched heels that were torturing me all night.

"Thank you, Ha Jin." He kissed my foot and his hands slowly travelled up my leg.

The next morning, I woke up alone in bed. Han Kyul left a note about how he was going for a run. I showered, looked at the new travel book left by Mr. Lee on the dining table, and ate the breakfast that was still somehow warm.

I was deep in the chapter about the Shanghai theatre district in the 1920s, when the phone rang in the foyer.

"Hello?" I still had a piece of fruit in my hand.

"Hello, Mrs. Choi?"

"Oh, not yet. This is Ms. Go, I'm Mr. Choi's fiancee."

"Ah, we wanted to let Mr. Choi know that the apartment showing this morning has been postponed to 3PM."

"Excuse me?"

"Mr. Choi wanted to see a few penthouses in the French Concession area. I'm sure he would love for you to accompany him."

I was still on the phone when Han Kyul walked back into the penthouse. He was in his jogging clothes and his hair sweaty. I hung up.

"Han Kyul, what's going on? Why are we in Shanghai?"

"We're here to have that dinner last night and to get away from Seoul for a little while."

"And?"

"What's wrong Ha Jin, what are you asking me?"

"Why are you looking at apartments in Shanghai?"

He sighed. "You must have picked up the call from the real estate agent."

"Are you planning on moving to Shanghai?" I gripped the edge of the table. "When were you going to tell me?"

"It's not like that Ha Jin." He walked towards me. "Choi General China has been in the works for a long time. And it was always touch and go. There was always a chance that it wasn't going to happen."

"And now?"

"It might."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we double the family business, Ha Jin." He sounded excited. "I can finally prove to the board once and for all that I am the future chairman."

"How long have you known about this?" My voice was shaking. "How long did you know that you might have to live in China?"

"Ha Jin." His tone completely changed. "This is bigger than us. My father laid the groundwork for this ten years ago. It's his legacy. I can't abandon his work."

"So you've known about this-since before you met me."

"Yes."

"And you've never thought to tell me, in the years that we've been together, that there might be a chance you'd have to live here."

He frowned and a realization came across his face. "Ha Jin, I didn't lie to you. Even now, I wasn't sure it was going to happen until last night. Don't you see, you helped me make my dreams happen?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to live here, Han Kyul."

"Ha Jin." He took a deep breath. "This is the most important thing I've ever done for my family. I can't stop it. I won't."

"I can't leave Seoul, Han Kyul." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't leave my family, my company, my life. I'm sorry."

"What are you saying?"

I opened my eyes and looked at the man I loved for the last two years of my life. I saw as clearly as I had seen anything in my life that we were on completely different paths. I wanted a family, I wanted to raise my children in Korea, I wanted to have my husband be at home. And I'd been fooling myself into thinking that Han Kyul would change after the wedding. He would never be home. He would always be somewhere else in the world, trying to strengthen his family's empire. And I couldn't fault him for his driving objective, I had the same drive, but towards a different end.

"I don't think I can marry you, Han Kyul."

"No, Ha Jin. I love you."

"I love you too." I started sobbing. "But I can't give you the things that you want. And you can't give me the things that I want."

"We can make this work, Ha Jin." Suddenly, Han Kyul had me in his arms, stroking my back. "It's not over, Ha Jin. Please. Let me try to make this work."

"No. Han Kyul." I looked up at him. "I want what's best for you. And for me. I can't spend my life waiting for you to come back home to me."

He suddenly tore himself away. "This is because of that man, isn't it?"

"No." I vehemently shook my head. "No, this is not because of Joon Ki."

"How can I believe you?" He walked away and paced in a long circle. "We went downhill as soon as you told me about him."

"I can't make you see it." I shook in the spot I was standing. "But, I've always been honest with you, Han Kyul. I want you. I want a family. And I want us to be together. But I don't see how that's possible if you're going to be in Shanghai and I'm going to be in Seoul. I don't want a weekend marriage, Han Kyul."

"You're being unreasonable, Ha Jin." He sounded bitter. "We could make this work, but you don't want to."

"I-I don't see how."

I gripped my engagement ring and set it down softly on the marble table top. The metallic clink was barely a pin drop, but we both heard it.

I flew from Shanghai to Seoul by myself.

A few weeks later, I was eating lunch at a rice cake restaurant close to the office, nose deep in quarterly reports, when I heard a familiar voice.

"Noona!"

It was Seung Won.

He spun a chair around, straddled it, and sat facing me.

"How have you been?" I smiled at him.

"Oh, good. Did you know my new job is right across the street from your office? I was hoping that I'd run into you." He snagged a piece of spicy rice cake from my plate and I frowned at him.

"You moved out of your family's apartment, so where are you living now?"

He groaned. "Oh, I live with five other men, Ha Jin. It is horrifying. I feel like everyday I wake up in Oldboy."

I threw back my head and laughed. It was the first time I had laughed since I ended my engagement to Han Kyul.

"So." Seung Won tipped his chair towards me and gestured at my left hand. "I heard."

"Yeh." I glanced at his face; it was so curious that he didn't retain any of his Jung memories at all. But he still befriended me for a reason all those years ago. Maybe we were always supposed to have an easy friendship like this.

"Are you okay, Noona?" His expression was open and caring. That's what I liked about Seung Won, you could always read him like a book.

I nodded. "It was for the best."

"It's really over?"

I blew out an exasperated sigh. "Seung Won, tell me what you're really asking?"

"Do you want to know how Joon Ki is?" He suddenly said. I choked on the water I was drinking.

"What?"

"Joon Ki." He grinned at me. "Do you want to know how he's doing?"

"Seung Won," I glared at him. "What do you know?"

"My brother and I have no secrets, Noona."

I buried my face in my hands and groaned. I peeked at him through my fingers.

"I'm not ready to talk to Joon Ki." I started eating faster, trying to escape this social nightmare.

"Oh, don't choke, Noona. I'm sure Joon Ki wants you alive." He laughed and laughed. "So it is true. You and my brother. Wow. I can't believe Joon Ki works so fast."

"That's not true! I didn't break my engagement for Joon Ki." I spluttered. "I had real, adult issues in my relationship that ended it."

Seung Won suddenly grew serious. "Ha Jin. I hope you're telling me the truth. My brother has been in love with you for a very long time. I can't exactly explain how it happened before you two met. But it is real. And I don't want to see him get hurt."

I took Seung Won's words and I weighed them carefully. "You're right Seung Won. That's why when I talk to your brother, I will be absolutely sure of my heart."

Seung Won shook his head, pleased. "That's what I like about you, Noona. You're so wise."

I hadn't been single in years and it was strange getting to know myself again, not as a part of a unit, but just as person. I remembered that I liked really weepy dramas, so I sat myself down for a weekend of crying and eating over some terrible brain cancer plot line where the heroine took twenty hours to die. I slurped ramen and screamed at the my TV: "She loves you but she's dying, don't you get it, pabo?!"

I felt more myself than ever. I took up running again, jogging in the early morning along the Han River. I joined a group of ahjumma runners and caught up on their intertwined lives; with their kids all in the same playgroups and their husbands in the same racquetball league. I longed for what they had.

"Ha Jin-ah!" They would try to make me set the pace for the group so that they could run a little faster. "Do you need a boyfriend? I can fix you up."

I shook my head each time and said that I was too busy.

Winter turned into spring and spring was just about burst into summer when suddenly Seung Won got fed up with me. I had lunch with him every week where we talked about everything under the sun and I tried not to make it too obvious that I was waiting to hear news about Joon Ki.

"Why don't you just ask him yourself?!"

"I-I will!"

"Here! This is his military number. He has a satellite phone so he gets signal on most days." Seung Won typed the numbers rapidly into my phone.

After I got Joon Ki's number, I stared at my phone for hours. Not knowingly exactly what to do. I just stroked the screen that showed his contact. I shook my head. I was being ridiculous.

I couldn't focus the rest of the day. Joon Ki was only one button push away. Was I ready to talk to him? Did he even want to hear from me? Seung Won assured me as much. And Joon Ki did say that he would wait, but so much could change when a person was away. I suddenly got a bout of cold sweat when I thought about Joon Ki blithely rejecting my phone call. He had every right to. I was so difficult.

I must have written and deleted fifty different text messages during the course of the day. One was:

"Hey Joon Ki, remember me?" Ugh, terrible.

Another one was, "Joon Ki, it has been a really long time. I mean, really really long." I deleted that text in the middle of writing it.

"How are you? This is Ha Jin, the girl who was engaged and now isn't anymore?" I shook my head. Too much information. I had to condense down what I felt into a shorter message. Something that would make him respond right away. I dropped my head onto my desk, resting my forehead against the cool glass. Otoke. What could I do?

I squeezed my eyes closed and pushed two buttons. Suddenly, my phone lit up. It was an international call.

Joon Ki was calling.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 _**Author Note: Of course, the chapter title comes from Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Love, but I didn't want to make that TOO obvious._


	13. Somalia

**CHAPTER 13 - SOMALIA**

My second month in Somalia and I wondered if we had gone about this country all wrong. I came with a simple objective: to provide medical supplies to the refugee camps fifty kilometers outside of Mogadishu. It wasn't going well. I provided as much expensive medical supplies to the Al Shabaab as I did to the refugees in my camp. Al Shabaab was the de facto religious government in southern Somalia, but many people would point at the factions of Al-Shabaab closely linked with Al-Qaeda. Needless to say, when Al-Shabaab decided they wanted something, I couldn't say no. I became a horsetrader in supplies and it disgusted me.

Mogadishu. The name of the city was enough to strike fear into the bleeding heart of the international community; no news media reported on anything other than death and destruction. No one really understood it. Or if they did, all they knew was to stay far away. The city was as violent as any battleground I had ever encountered. The brutality didn't shock me, it was the acceptance of the people living, just simply existing amidst the shootings, the terror of being alive.

Somalia wasn't cash poor. There was plenty of profit to be made by the the people who were there to take advantage of the chaos. I saw first-hand the kind of businessman who could transfer millions of US dollars on their mobile phones before they would even get close to a bank. There were open air banks on the street, where visible bundles of cash sat in cages like chickens. The currency exchangers left the cages on the street, locked, and returned when they wanted, cash still in tact. Somalia was a land of such contradictions.

I couldn't pick up Somali very easily and had to take my translator, Asad, almost everywhere. Asad was wary of me. I suppose the UN had done as much damage as any of the other groups trying to control a "failed state." Often times, it wasn't the peacekeepers who were the target of terrorist violence, it was the refugees who bore the brunt of the trauma. I tried to show Asad I could be trusted, but it was difficult because we spoke such different cultural language. The funny thing was that Somalis loved to talk. All day long, you could hear the conversations between people. Even on the phone, everyone blasted their phone conversations on speaker so the public could hear both sides. They were a nomadic people, who had to carry knowledge for hundreds of miles, passing on expertise to the next generation, from father to son, and so the long oral tradition carried on, even stronger in the present day. I wished I spoke Somali. I was missing a huge chunk of context.

The one conversation Asad was willing to have with me was about Somali history. Asad told me about Seyyid Mohamed Abdulle Hassan, the warrior-poet of Somalia, who hated the British colonizers so much that he declared a twenty year jihad. He said to the British, "All you will get from us is war, and nothing else." His resistance was so fierce that eventually the British resorted to air-raids to destroy his army. Sometimes, I looked at the sky, at the patrolled air space, and I wondered if anything had really changed in almost a hundred years. Hassan felt like a kindred spirit, a man who wasn't meant to be a soldier, but who was meant to save his country.

The horn of Africa was a beautiful place. Somalia has stark and haunting landscape. It was divided, painfully, into three sections. To the north, was Somaliland, a virtually autonomous region that might as well been Manhattan compared to the way it was safer and richer than Mogadishu. Puntland was to the east, a huge swatch of ocean at it's back, with all the piracy problems that Somalia was famous for. And then there was South, where I was to be.

I was lucky that when I requested Hwa-Shin to be my second, my father agreed to the assignment. At least I would have someone I trusted. Hwa-Shin was none too pleased to be stationed in Somalia, he was hoping for a cushier assignment somewhere in Southeast Asia.

"Didn't the Philippines just have an tsunami or something? Couldn't you have requested an assignment there? Filipino girls now, that's an assignment."

"This was the first assignment that came up Hwa-Shin. Aren't you tired of vacation?"

"Well, call me a dog and I'll count my lucky stars."

I took the assignment for several reasons. The first of which, as my father elegantly explained to me, my assignment here meant that I would have the pick of the rest of my locations for the rest of the career. I was eating the bitter fruit first so I could choose my lot later. Korea was concerned about the national freighters which passed through the seas close to Somalia, the uptick in piracy was costing some shipping chaebols dearly. I didn't think father cared much about chaebol money. But he thought that politically, it was a good move for the Korean Army to have some presence in the country which was damaging our trade routes. And because he trusted me the most, I was there to suss out the situation and best decide a strategy forward.

I also left Korea because I was at a loss for what to do. The last two weeks before I decided to go to Somalia had put me through the wringer. I recovered from a near fatal injury in my neck because I was protecting the President from a near assassination attempt. The girl of my dreams, literally, had come to life in front of my eyes. I had spiritual whiplash, to say the least.

Ha Jin. Just thinking about her name made me feel alive. Ha Jin was real. She wasn't just some notion cooked up by my brain. I touched her. She touched me. I relived that day of our reunion at the palace on a loop; speeding through the painful parts and slowing to a standstill at the moments when she touched me or said my name. The way she stroked my face. Her voice trembling when she said Prince So. I remembered her smell, the dry citrus and the floral note at the base of her neck. Her body. I had to restrain myself when we were alone in my apartment. I wanted so much to make love to her. To make her body remember who we were if her mind wouldn't allow it. My hands could easily follow the curves of her body, her clothes would slide off, and I'd kiss her everywhere. I knew her body so well, her keening cries when she was close to orgasm, how she could kiss me for hours while I slowly worked myself into her. I remembered her lips, how when I kissed Ha Jin, everything rushed back in for me. I felt the sorrow of losing her a thousand years ago, but I ached for Ha Jin in the present.

Somehow I couldn't escape the feeling that by running away to Somalia that I was running away from Ha Jin. I ruminated for a long time after our kiss in my kitchen, whether I had done right thing or not. I didn't really know. I only knew that I saw fear and confusion in her face, which is something I never wanted to see ever again, not after Chae Ryung's death and not after seeing her leave me for the last time.

I had run away because I wasn't strong enough to stay to be in her life while she was still engaged to the doctor. I didn't know if I could stop myself if I were in her orbit, from forcing her hand, from demanding her to acknowledge me. The weeks between meeting her at the palace and Seung Won's birthday were complete torture. All my intelligence training provided me with endless hours of speculation. When I went for my runs in the mornings, I had a dozen new ways where I could have found her house and casually stopped by for a visit. When I ate with Seung Won, I thought about her car and how easily I could trace the vehicle and know exactly where she was going. When I sat in military debriefings, my mind kept whirling, endless new options where I could detain Han Kyul in some way. Weren't the Chois involved in some shady international business dealings? All these chaebol families were the same.

But she wasn't an informant in a case. Ha Jin was my person. I had to tamp down on all the things I knew I could do, but shouldn't. I was starting to feel a little crazy. Before I knew Ha Jin was real, I accepted her in an abstract way. She was a my lover from the past, that no one knew or understood-my refuge, my secret. But when she burst into my life, in full color, like a tiger burning bright, I felt like the parts of me which laid dormant returning to life.

She was alive. She was so alive. Memories of Hae Su faded next to the real thing. I knew in my bones the depth of feeling that Wang So had for Hae Su; sometimes it overwhelmed me. Wang So was buried in me, his pained loneliness at the end of his life without Hae Su, his deepest regret that he was not with her at the moment of her death, his longing to spend time with the daughter Hae Su gave him; all these things haunted me too. But I wasn't exactly Wang So. And neither was Ha Jin exactly Hae Su. I just knew I wanted her more than anything.

There was a moment when Seung Won introduced her to Omoni and Abeoji where I saw real fear in her eyes. We just had a conversation on the balcony about how screwed up we were, the Hans. I wondered if some of the wariness of Goryeo carried over to present day. I could see how she would think of how similar Jin-Jeong was to Queen Yoo or General Han was to King Taejo. I wasn't sure what to think. The idea that my family reincarnated with me was uncomfortable, to say the least. Maybe that's what gave Ha Jin pause about us? The last time she encounter the Hans, things didn't end well for Hae Su. But I didn't think General Han was like Wang So's father or Jin-Jeong for her all problems, was like Queen Yoo. I guess if I were a religious scholar, I'd plot our reincarnation paths around each other as elliptical, each orbit getting gradually farther away from the source. Seeing her in real life, watching her interact with my family, with the exception of her friendliness with Seung Won, her recalcitrance made me pause. How much did Wang So know about Hae Su's life in the palace? Did he know her fears, her wariness in living, her loneliness? Maybe he did, but it was all lost in the turmoil of building a kingdom.

At least when I had work, I could focus on something else while she made her choice. I didn't make the decision lightly. I was afraid that what she said would come true; that when I returned, she would be married and I would be shit out of luck, that I would have lost my one chance in a thousand years to reunited us.

But somehow this hope just would not die inside of me. I felt like there was a purpose for all of this. I felt moved by something bigger than myself. There was a reason that I found Ha Jin and there was a reason that she deeply loved me after all this time. When I watched her in the gallery as she read my poems, her body shaking with shock and emotion, I had an inkling. When I said her name as she knelt on the floor, she threw herself at me, demanding if I was real. I began to understand. She touched my scar and I knew. The gesture alone was worth more than all the love letters in the world. We both knew what it meant. There was no clearer proof of love for me. I didn't need her to tell me that she loved me. I knew.

Everything else was chatter and circumstances and if I had to leave to move us past it, I would. I felt like we would. That of course, my moments of self-confidence in our destiny were met by moments of crippling doubt. I had to fight all urges to fly back to Seoul at the first chance that I got.

Seung Won called late one night.

"Hyung. I think I'm gonna have good news for you soon." He sounded mysterious.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. Why would I do anything about Ha Jin?"

I gripped the phone tightly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Let's just say that the tide is changing."

"Damnit you little shit, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Not from Somalia you can't." Seung Won laughed hysterically. "Hyung, I couldn't say anything a few months ago because I really didn't know what was going on. But trust me. You'll have good news soon. But how are things going over there? You've barely given me any details."

"It's horse shit Seung Won." I heard my voice go sour. "I don't think anything is going to come of this mission. Abeoji wanted me to scope out Puntland, but honestly, there's too much Al-Qaeda activity to really consider setting up any kind of operation. We'd be stripped of our equipment and gear and food in the first month."

"That's awful."

"I don't think any of the aid organization have any idea what's going on here. People need help, but the more powerful are just taking advantage of the chaos and profiteering like crazy. They've had peace summits since the 90s and nothing has happened except a juicy million dollar bill to the UN."

"Hyung, are you okay?"

"I dunno, Seung Won. I'd like to know that my mission was worth a damn. But this-."

"I know what you mean. I just started at the CCEJ and the bureaucracy is just gross. How do they get anything done? It's ludicrous."

Sometimes, I wished I could be as young as Seung Won, with some serious faith in the hopeless.

"I guess father made us both into lone wolves."

"It's better than following Mom where ever she goes."

"How is Omoni?"

"She's alright. She hates my job. The usual. Jin-Young is doing well though."

"That's to be expected."

"He's the mayor of Busan now. No longer deputy mayor."

"I assume that came about in a very law-abiding way."

"Of course Hyung! The regular mayor stepped down because of his scandal."

We both laughed at our inside joke.

Seung Won paused for a moment. "But I'm worried about Jin-Young. He's mayor which means he's going to be making a lot of powerful decisions. I just hope he makes the right ones."

"You think he won't?"

"He already started awarding contracts to the Song group."

"Omoni's family?"

"Yeah."

I sucked in a breath. "That's not going to look suspicious later."

"Exactly. I'm thinking about using the CCEJ platform to talk about this."

"Be careful Seung Won. Jin-Young is much closer to the Songs than us. And I just don't trust Omoni's family."

When I hung up the phone, I worried about Seung Won. He had some idea how powerful the Songs were, but he was also determined to make a name for himself at the CCEJ. They were fundamentally opposed to each other: the CCEJ and the Song group. The CCEJ advocated for economic equality in Korea while the Songs were the very pinnacle of the one percent. The Songs owned everything. I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I hoped mother didn't do anything rash in her anger towards Seung Won's new career. The only thing I trusted about Jin-Jeong was that she loved Seung Won and Jin-Young, at least that was consistent. Maybe I was stewing over nothing.

Hwa Shin and I finally had a moment where we weren't dodging bullets or making moral compromises. I was lucky enough to get supplies from Korea, only one shipment had made it out of the ten that were sent. I rousted Hwa Shin out of his nap for a ramen break when I heard a beep on my satellite phone.

I stared at my phone. It was an emoji of a girl with long hair and a pushpin. I frowned and put it together. It was a hair pin. It was only a split second before I was dialing the number back, international charges be damned.

"Yobseo?" Her voice floated through the line and I felt the space inside my chest expand. There was immediately tingling at the base of my skull, where my memories seemed to be stored, like my body had a sixth sense for her.

"Ha Jin-ah?"

"Ah-hem." She cleared her voice. "I didn't think you would respond so quickly."

"Why is that?"

"It's not important. I want to hear your voice. And I wanted to return your hairpin so you'd stay safe." I couldn't stop grinning. When Hwa-Shin looked at me angrily for waking him up, I waved him off and pointed at the box of unopened ramen. I turned back to my phone.

"How is it?"

"Sounds like you're out of shape. What's with all the deep breathing?"

I laughed and laughed. Ha Jin never failed to amuse me, even when she was oceans away.

"How are you, Han Joon Ki?" She sounded throaty.

"I'm on the serengeti, hunting lions."

"Pabo. Somalia doesn't have any serengetis."

"Doesn't it?

"I've been reading about Somalia."

"Have you now?"

"It's insanely dangerous. It has the lowest GDP in the African Union. It-"

"It's also incredibly beautiful."

"How does it look?"

"Well, right now. It looks very Korean." I was looking at Hwa Shin, desperately trying to break into the box of ramen. He looked truly panicked by the prospect of not getting to his snack.

"Joon Ki-ah." She demanded sternly. "Are you joking with me? I want to know that you're safe."

"I'm alive, Ha Jin." I could say her name like an incantation. It made me feel so many things. I left Hwa Shin and went to a private room where I didn't have to share this conversation.

"I have to tell you something."

"What is it, Ha Jin?" I was suddenly nervous. My palms were clammy against my fatigues.

"I broke off my engagement with Han Kyul."

"Oh." I had to stop myself from shouting out with a whoop. My faith in Ha Jin paid off. I wanted to hug someone. But that someone was thousands of miles away in Korea. "When?"

"About six months ago."

So she ended things with Han Kyul as soon as I left. Suddenly, I regretted my decision to come here. Should I have stayed the extra two weeks and then we'd be together? Did I screw up again? I racked my brain for the answer.

"Ha Jin. I would be lying to you if I said I was sorry. I'm not. But I am sorry that you had to end something that was important to you."

"Thank you, Joon Ki." She cleared her throat. "I wanted to make sure before I talked to you. I didn't want you to ever doubt me again, Joon Ki."

"What do you mean?" I took a deep breath.

"I think that I'm still in love with you, Joon Ki."

Dead air. I had no words.

"Yeobseo? Are you there? Joon Ki are you there? Oh no, you hung up. How could you hang up on me? I knew this would happen. Ugh! Men are all the same. First they chase you like crazy, and then the moment you feel something, they run away like little boys. Otoke! Where are you? Damnit, Joon Ki. You were not suppose to respond like this! You were suppose to be different! Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have said anything."

I waited for her rant to be over, smiling like an idiot the entire time. Hearing Ha Jin's stream of conscious, her nerves about declaring herself to me, I might be a little bit of a sadist because I really did enjoy hearing her squirm.

"No, I'm here."

"You heard-Joon Ki-ah!" She wailed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I dunno, Ha Jin." I teased her. "You know how to make a guy wait, so I was giving you a little taste of your own medicine."

"What?!" She was a little angry now. "You don't understand how much crying I had to do over you in Goryeo. And now?! You're in Somalia, god knows where, and I have no idea if you're safe or not. I can't protect you. And I can't even cry for you now because we're not together and I'd be an idiot to cry over someone who left as soon as he met me!"

"Now. That's not what happened." God, there was nothing more enjoyable than talking with Ha Jin. She fully had me captivated. We could argue about apples for hours and I'd still be interested. "You were going to marry Han Kyul told me to have a nice life."

"I'm sorry, Joon Ki." She was remorseful. "I had my reasons."

I heard her take a deep breath.

"Joon Ki-ah. I wanted you to know that when I came to you, there would be no one else in my life. We've always had exceptionally bad timing."

I let go of the breath I had been holding, of this moment that I was trying to preserve in my mind, I finally let go of this huge burden. I understood her now. I knew that she loved me, but trying to wrap my mind around her motivations was always a difficult task. I realized now that she was building. All this time when I was here and she was in Korea, she was building a steady road back to me. I remembered now, Hae Su was like this too. She wanted to be right as rain, steady as a rock, as true blue as they came before she came to me. Ha Jin, step by step, carefully took her time to walk towards me. I felt joy sparking all over me. Was it really true. Was Ha Jin really waiting for me?

"Why did you run away, Ha Jin?" I was so greedy for information. I wanted to know this Ha Jin, who was staying up in Korea for me.

"I was torn." Her voice was tight. "I didn't think it was right for me to dump my fiancee as soon as you came back. I had no right to ask you to wait for me while I figured things out. And honestly, I didn't know how things would shake out."

"Why did you leave him?"

"I did love him. But it turns out that we wanted different things. And I learned from my time in Goryeo that I needed to be honest about what I wanted."

"What do you want, Ha Jin?"

"To love my man. To raise a family with him in Korea. The second part was important, I didn't know before. Is that what you want, Joon Ki? You don't have to answer me now. I know it's a lot."

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes. To all of it. Yes."

"I'm going to put a pin in your answer." She sounded bemused. "You barely know me."

"I love you."

"Get to know me first, Pabo."

"When? Can we talk like this everyday?" I leaned back in my chair.

"Yes. I will call you every day."

The next few months flew by. I couldn't believe it. Ha Jin woke up at 5 A.M. every day to talk to me when it was 11 P.M. in Somalia. She was often tired, but still spoke clearly. I got used to the excitement that built within me whenever my phone started to buzz. Sometimes I answered the phone a little too enthusiastically for a ranking officer.

I started getting answers to the one thing I wanted to know. Who was Ha Jin? I wanted to understand who she was in the present. Ha Jin's voice was beautiful. Or maybe it was only beautiful to me. She often had a husky voice on the phone, when she was contemplative or when she was lost in thought. I loved listening to her mind work, figuring out problems, understanding me, prying me open for information. She would always start each conversation abruptly, diving into whatever topic she decided she needed to know about me. Every time I was on the phone with Ha Jin, it felt like a long therapy session where we gutted ourselves willingly. I had never been able to talk to anyone in my life as candidly as I could to Ha Jin. I heard her speak wistfully about her parent's marriage, how she wished to emulate them. I told her that a functional mother father relationship was foreign to me. She assured me that it did exist. Ha Jin was a reminder to me that the world wasn't just an awful place. And her conversations with me were a refuge from the terrible problems I was dealing with in Somalia.

One day, Asad and I discussed the latest blunder in international aid: a thousand bags of donated blood which went bad because of poor refrigeration. Apparently, the Red Cross didn't even know they had a shipment incoming and ignored protocol. I was disgusted, there were at least five different hospitals in Mogadishu I knew that desperately needed blood and had the right equipment to store the blood. Supplies were coming in, but often diverted or held by Al-Shabaab's men.

"Asad, this shouldn't be happening. There has to be an exchange of information between our different groups. We're making the exact same mistakes as our predecessors."

Asad finally had light in his eyes.

"Corporal. You think there's a way for everyone to work together?"

"It makes sense, doesn't it Asad? Let's work on a plan. I know Al-Shabaab is influential, but maybe there's a way we can diminish their power by finding alternative routes. I began talking to my friend at the Red Cross already. Can you get me a list of people we need to put in the same room?"

Hwa Shin walked in as Asad hustled through the door with his new assignment. My satellite phone beeped and it was a text from Ha Jin. It was a heart.

"What are you smiling about?" Hwa Shin sat down at my desk and grabbed a pile of paperwork.

"Just a beautiful morning in Somalia." I grinned at him and slapped him on the back.

She had successfully sent me a care package in the guise of box disguised in her makeup box, I guess whitening cream was pretty useless to Somali militants. I grinned at all the different snacks she packed into the box. Enclosed was a note that said: "I didn't know what you liked to eat so I got everything. Please send me back your favorite items by ranking them 1 through 10." I felt warm. So this was it was like to be loved by Ha Jin. She was careful and meticulous about everything.

My phone started ringing again.

"So," She sounded nervous one evening. "Can we talk about the past?"

"Which one? The one as Joon Ki or the one as Wang So?"

"I never got the chance to explain to Gwangjong why I left. There was Byeol, but there were a few other things too. I remembered telling you that I didn't like the idea of you becoming king, but that I hated the idea of being apart from you more. I think that's the moment when I failed myself."

"How did you fail?"

"I realized, far too late, that I could not be someone I was not meant to be. Like when I became your woman in the palace, I should have known once you became Gwangjong, I couldn't have you for myself. I had to share you with so many other people. I tried to convince myself that I could be your second wife, or that I would happy waiting for you. But I wasn't. It made me desperate and depressed. And when I was pregnant, I wanted so much to tell you, but I was so afraid of what might happen. I wanted our baby, but I wasn't sure I could survive, not with my body as weak as it was. I did the only thing I could do, which was to save Byeol. So in a way, it was my fault. That I reached for someone like you, and I made us both miserable."

"No my love. I don't regret any part of us in Goryeo. I don't think you realized how much you changed me when I was Gwangjong. You opened my eyes Ha Jin, to the world. To so many things that I ignored because of my birthright."

"But I made you so alone. I left you in that horrible place."

"Ha Jin, I know you didn't want to leave me."

"I wasn't grand enough for the palace, I wanted to was to preserve our love, but I knew that i wasn't enough. I wondered if I ever got over the feeling that I wasn't enough for Wang So, that he needed so much to survive, and I was only his comfort. I wasn't enough." Her voice shook.

"Ha Jin." I wanted to reach across the ocean to touch her. "We're different now. You don't have to be afraid that I'm out of reach for you."

"We're not doomed to repeat our mistakes from Goryeo?" Ha Jin sounded far away. "I don't think I could bear to lose you again. It was bad enough the first time around."

"Ha Jin." I couldn't say the right thing. I knew how she felt. The loss between us was sometimes so great that I feared we couldn't breach the chasm. "I just want to know you again. Our past is deep within us, but I really do believe that we're different people now too, Ha Jin. The memories of Hae Su are unlike anything I've ever known, but knowing you is everything I've ever wanted."

"Is it? Am I not annoying you yet? Would you love me if you didn't remember Hae Su at all? Who do you love, me or Hae Su? Memories are easy to love, they have no flaws."

"Well, my memories of you have a lot of flaws."

"What?!" Ha Jin puffed angrily in the phone.

"How pig-headed you are, how you refused to listen to me, how you refused to believe me even when I was trying my best."

I heard Ha Jin take a deep sigh and groan.

"I'm sorry Joon Ki. I made Wang So deal with a lot. I never told him this, but I was cheated on a quite a bit in this life before I went back to Goryeo. I had a deep distrust of anyone close to me. When I met Wang So, I couldn't believe that someone like him loved me."

"Oh? What happened to you before?"

"My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and they took my money."

"Who are they? I can find them and make them pay."

"No. No. I've forgiven them already." She blew air out of her mouth. "They're unimportant. They made me miserable, but I don't think as miserable as they made each other in the end. Cha Young Bin-don't look him up Joon Ki-came to my party after I recovered from my coma to apologize to me. And I just felt sad looking at him. That's all over. I don't like to think about them anymore."

"You're too forgiving."

"It's always better to forgive, Joon Ki." She laughed to herself. "Or else, I'd still be mad at the ahjummas who called me a gomusin today."

"Who?"

"They're my running group. Right after I talk to you at five, I go running at six. They've been trying to fix me up with their sons for ages but I finally told them yesterday that my boyfriend was in the army."

"Boyfriend? Who's your boyfriend?"

"Aigoo! I guess I don't have a boyfriend. I guess I can go out with one of their sons. Good morning!"

"Come back! I'm sorry, Ha Jin. You're too cute when you're mad. I don't like being called your boyfriend. It feels too, inconsequential."

"Oh, then what do you want me to call you?"

"Your Prince?"

"Gwangjanim? Too formal. How about, most favorite ahjussi?"

"I taught a group of girls here how to say ahjussi."

"Oh really? Flirting with local girls already."

"Very funny, Ha Jin. Actually, I wanted to ask you for a favor. Would Patpat be able to send some beauty supplies for the girls here? They've been through hell. I was here too late for the initial rescue of the school girls from Boko Haram, but some of them have come back to Somalia. I think some beauty products could help raise their spirits. What do you think?"

She was quiet for a second.

"Ha Jin? Are you there?"

"I'm nodding. I'll arrange it with Kim So Eun." She took in a shallow breath.

"Are you okay, Ha Jin?"

"The more I know you the more I think I'm falling for you, Joon Ki." I could hear her take a sip of water. "I wanted you to know that if I fell for you, it would be for Joon Ki, and not Wang So. I know that I'm not Hae Su anymore and I know that you're a brand new soul too. I wanted to ask you, if you could love this Ha Jin. Because I'm not quite myself. I'm rebuilt. And-and maybe this wasn't what you wanted. I just want to know. Do you love me? This me?"

"I'm coming back in a month, Ha Jin."

"Really?" She let out a whoop. "They shortened your assignment?"

"Special request."

"Oh my god, I could kiss General Han."

"Please don't. That's my father."

"Does this mean our honeymoon is over?" She tsked tsked. "I like this long distance thing. It feels very pure. Like we're lovers during war. I could have written you long painful letters of longing."

"And yet, there's the phone."

"Yes, the phone is much better. I can also control myself when you're far away like this. When I see you, I feel like my body's not even mine anymore. I feel so weak. I just want to throw myself at you."

"Ditto."

"You feel the same way?" Ha Jin giggled. "What do you want to do when you first see me?"

"I'm probably going to lock us in my apartment for a month."

"Really? How will we feed ourselves?"

"Takeout."

"How will you entertain me?" Her voice was silky now, unexpectedly deep.

"In ways you can't imagine." I could feel myself growing hard at the images flashing through my brain. If I were even half the lover Wang So was, I was pretty sure I could make Ha Jin happy.

"I have one last mission, Ha Jin." I looked at the layout of the map on my desk. "Wait for me. I'll be back."

When I hung up the phone, I realized that I didn't answer Ha Jin's question. Whether I loved Ha Jin or not. I would give her a thorough demonstration when I returned to Korea.

The next day, I boarded a small aircraft at a private airport. The leader of Al-Shabaab had offered several aid organization some kind of amnesty; a reduction in the amount of trafficked medical supplies that we'd have to give up to operate in Somalia. Asad and I had been building this conference for months, in hopes that somehow, we could reduce the leakage of life-saving supplies.

I took my seat and nodded at my fellow passengers. Some of whom I recognized from working in the field. Almost every single aid organization was present, médecins sans frontières, Red Cross, and many others. I glanced at Asad in the next seat, he had his nose buried in the latest UN reports. I knew he was nervous about the conference. Something could go wrong on the negotiation tables and we could end up losing more than we wanted. I was worried too.

"Asad." I poked him in the elbow. "No matter what happens, we've done something worthwhile."

"I hope so, Corporal."

I saw out of the corner of my eye the pilot boarding the plane from the outside. Asad glanced at the pilot and a faint flicker of fear came over his face.

"What is it?"

"I recognize that pilot."

I turned slowly towards the front of the plane, careful to not making any sudden movements. I noticed that the the co-pilot seemed slumped in his seat. The gears on the bottom of the plane suddenly started grinding and we were airborne without warning. The pilot had trapped us in this flying tin can.

"Asad, who is it?"

"I'm not sure!"

"They're trying to kill everyone on this plane, aren't they?" I noticed the pool of blood gathering under the co-pilot's seat. I reached for my mini-pistol, strapped around my ankle.

Asad began shaking. I glared at him and gestured quietly for him to grab the knife he hid in his boots too. My friend from Doctors without Borders, Hans, turned to look at me. We immediately knew that this was a hijacked plane.

"Asad, I don't know how to fly, but that man does." I tilted my head at my doctor friend.

"What's your plan?"

"We have to overpower the pilot and let my friend land the plane."

"How do we know that we're not going to be shot as soon as we leave this seat?"

"We're going to wait."

I eyed the first two rows of the plane. The man from the Red Cross looked as white as a fish belly and the woman who I used to bargain with for extra blood bags looked like she was about to vomit. This was suppose to be a suicide mission for the pilot only.

Through the windows, I saw that we were flying precariously close to the streets. The shadow of the plane quickly engulfing the scores of people below. If there was a way to avoid civilian casualties, I would try, but right now, I'd like to live.

I saw one wing dip and I braced myself. Another plane screamed through the sky, narrowly missing us. I realized what the pilot was doing. He was going to try to crash us into another plane in the same flight path.

Asad unbuckled his seatbelt and all of a sudden, his body lost its heft and he tumbled in the air towards the front of the plane. The only thing holding me in my seat was my seat belt. We were spiraling in a nose dive, the g-force was almost unbearable. I could see Hans struggling to free himself too. If there was a way to get Hans to the cockpit, we'd have a shot at coming out alive.

I couldn't let it end like this. I unbuckled my seatbelt and I felt my body fall with the plane towards the nose of the plane. I couldn't give up. I had made a promise to her.

 _**author note: Happy Holidays! Thank you for continuing to be with me on this journey. I promise, lots more story and twists are coming up. I found an amazing book trailer to Book II. Enjoy! watch?v=tYLrFNlIZ0Y_

TO BE CONTINUED...


	14. Hope Is a Double Edged Sword

**Chapter 14 - Hope is a Double Edge Sword**

"What are you so happy about?"

My mother glanced at me while I smiled into my stack of new chemical reports on our latest serum for Patpat. The reports were bleak, none of the formulation were working correctly, but I was smiling at them like they were a basket of puppies.

"I'm just looking forward to something, that's all."

"This is the first time I've seen you smile like that in months." She patted my head and set down a cup of tea next to me. "I can't say that I wanted you to end your engagement with Han Kyul, but I'm glad you stopped yourself when you realized you couldn't meet him."

I reached out and kept her hand on my head.

"Oma, I didn't know how you would react. I knew you really liked Han Kyul."

"He seemed like such a good match for you, Ha Jin. He was the best doctor I could have hoped to treat you. And I'd hadn't seen anyone so caring before." She sighed. "I guess I was wrong. His family was too different even though I really felt like I knew and trusted him."

I glanced up at my mother.

"There is something I want to tell you Oma. But I'm not sure how to do it."

"What is it, Ha Jin-ah?"

"I reconnected with an old love."

"Cha Young Bin?"

"Oh god no. Never again." I took a sip of my tea and steeled myself. I wasn't sure exactly how much I could reveal about my time in Goryeo without sending my mother into a tailspin of worry. She knew all of my past relationships since I lived at home. There could only a few plausible routes that I would have met someone that she didn't know I was seeing.

"I met someone years ago when I was in college."

"And we never met him?"

"No. We were only friends then. He was in the army and I was going to school. We only saw each other when he was on leave." I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I am so bad at lying.

I heard a creak on the staircase behind us.

"Nam Gil!" My mother suddenly cried out. "What happened to you?'

My little brother slowly backed down the staircase to face the two of us. His hair looked like a group of pigeons squatted overnight, he had a black eye, and his knees were bleeding.

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the hydrogen peroxide and bandages. Oma took Nam Gil's hand and sat him down on the couch next to her. The wound wasn't deep, but Nam Gil had managed to remove a good acreage of skin.

I soaked the cotton pads in hydrogen peroxide and I pressed it against his knees. Nam Gil winced and I watched the white cotton turn pink.

"Did you fight Nam Gil?" I searched his face. His eyes were downcast and he nodded slowly.

"You are grounded from your phone and TV for a month." My mother's tone was clipped.

It wasn't the first time Nam Gil fought at school. I sighed. I was worried about Nam Gil. Ever since he transferred to his new private school, he had not been doing well. I warned Oma that this might happen, to take Nam Gil from his group of friends that he had known since kindergarten. But Oma and Appa were insistent. They had the opportunity to give Nam Gil a better education ever since I helped them pay off the house and they had a little wiggle room financially. The school in my neighborhood didn't have a great reputation, it was consistently ranked on the bottom in the city. But at the same time, it was the only school my brother knew. My brother was always quiet as a child and didn't make friends easily. For a long time, I was the only one who could get him to come out of his shell. I knew that when I went to Goryeo and entered my coma, that the damage of seeing me comatose for a year was something that deeply upset Nam Gil. Even to this day, I saw Nam Gil peering at me with concern that was way too serious for someone his age.

"Who did you fight with, Nam Gil?" I bandaged up his knees and lifted his chin with my hands.

"No one."

"So, no one gave you this shiner?" I ruffled his hair.

"Do I have to go back to school?"

"Nam Gil! Do you know how much your mother and father have to work to send you there?" My mother tried to keep the anger out of her voice.

This school was hard on both of them. I didn't know who had it worse, my little brother who was probably getting beaten up by rich bully cliques or my Mom, who was under the impression the only way Nam Gil would be able to succeed was to tough through everything. The truth was probably somewhere in between.

"Do you know why he picks on you, Nam Gil?"

"He says that my family is poor and I'm only here on scholarship money."

I frowned. "The only way to talk to a bully is to understand them. Don't shy away from him, Nam Gil. Do you have anything in common?"

"No. He's the son of a chaebol. I'm no one."

I squeezed him to my chest. "You're not no one. You are precious to me and Oma. Don't ever say that again." Nam Gil finally started crying. I felt terrible. There wasn't a way for me to really protect my little brother from life. I supposed it was all a part of growing up, but I hated this helplessness.

"Ha Jin," Nam Gil hiccuped. "Who is Joon-Ki? I hear you talking to him in the morning before anyone else is awake."

My mother looked to me for answers. I suppose now was a better time as any.

"Oma." I tucked my hair behind my ears. "Han Joon Ki is a precious person to me."

"Seung Wong's brother?"

I nodded. Seung Won and Nam Gil had become fast friends in the last few months since we started hanging out more often. He enjoyed hanging out with my family and eating my Mom's home cooking. He made all kinds of excuses to come over to the house. Sometimes, I would come home late from work, we'd share a ride in a taxi and instead of going back to his tiny hovel in same neighborhood, Seung Won opted to get a hot meal and some playstation time with Nam Gil. Seung Won was like a bigger version of Nam Gil and seeing them together made me happy. My mother seemed to like Seung Won's political ambitions. She was also a radical in her days in college too. They spent hours talking about his job at the CCEJ.

"He's a Corporal in the Korean army and he's serving a tour of duty in Somalia right now."

"And who is he to you?"

I bit my lip nervously. There were so many things hard to explain about Joon Ki. I couldn't believe that I was head over heels in love with Han Joon Ki, again. I mean, I guess I had an inkling that it would happen, but I didn't trust myself yet. I was getting up at an ungodly hour to get my precious sixty minutes of Joon Ki time every day. Truth be told, sometimes I couldn't sleep at night because I was overflowing with things I wanted to say to him.

"He's my boyfriend."

Nam Gil and my mother both gasped.

"What?!"

"Oma. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense right now. But I want to introduce you to him as soon as he gets back from Somalia. And I want you to understand why he's special to me. And I know I should have said something sooner, but he said he was coming back to Korea with an early discharge yesterday."

"That's why you were making that care package."

I had basically bought out the entire section of the grocery store snack collection. I fretted in front of the aisle for almost an entire hour before I just gave up and just swept my arm along the aisle and dumped everything into my cart. The cashier gave me a dirty look when I rolled up to her lane. I told her it was for my boyfriend in the Army and she softened and gave me her employee discount. Gomusins had to stick together.

"And you're singing a lot, Noona."

I was in love.

I was so happy it was almost stupid. It was so strange, from the moment I picked up my phone to call Joon Ki all those months ago, I knew that I was changing the course of my life. I waited until I was sure of myself; I knew that if I gave myself to Joon Ki, there would be no holding back. The way I loved Wang So; I loved him so much that I was willing change everything that was important to myself in order to be with him. And it had backfired, so badly that I ended up alone in another man's arms when I died.

This time, I was cautious. I wanted it to be real, feasible, maybe even practical. I wanted to be the architect of our future. I didn't want Joon Ki to doubt my feelings, to think that I was using him as a rebound for my broken engagement to Han Kyul. I wanted to be as steadfast as he was.

Weirdly enough, I felt more gratitude towards Han Kyul than ever. I considered calling him a few times to tell him how much I appreciated all that he had done for me as a doctor, a friend, and a my fiancee. More than anyone else, Han Kyul helped me to understand my feelings about the past. Even though he didn't believe in my memories, he did make me confront my emotions. I didn't hide anymore. I wanted to face things as they were. And that was the most important thing that Han Kyul taught me. Of course, it was also this strength that allowed me to leave Han Kyul when I foresaw how we were so dearly wrong for each other; that we had not confronted the truth about Han Kyul and Ha Jin. I was sad that our love didn't survive. Maybe in a different life, with a different family, Han Kyul and I could have had a chance.

"I love him, Oma."

"How did this happen without you telling anyone? Even with Han Kyul, all of us knew before you did."

"We've known each other for a long time, Oma. He knows me better than anyone. We're just-" I stammered.

There was no way to explain it the way it happened. My mother wasn't going to understand that Han Joon Ki was my lover and father of my child from a thousand years ago. That he had waited for hundreds of lifetimes to find me. It was an unfathomable kind of mental challenge. Only Han Joon Ki understood being ripped out of time. Only Han Joon Ki knew what it mean to reach across the centuries for me. Once I caught him, I would never be able to let go. I loved him in a wholly different way than I loved Wang So, who was another name I couldn't mention to my mother. I groaned, trying to translate my time-traveling relationship into regular people speak for my mother.

"We're in a long distance relationship. And I think it made us stronger, Oma. Because he isn't in Korea, I have to commit to him every day. And I'm so happy to do it. I'm so happy to belong to him, Oma."

She shook her head in disbelief.

"You wanted this? You said that you couldn't be with Han Kyul because he wasn't going to live in Korea, but now you're an army girlfriend? You're not making any sense, Ha Jin."

"He's coming back, Oma. He promised he would come back."

"I just don't want you to make the same mistake again." My mother frowned at me.

"I'm not! I've been honest with Joon Ki from the start. I told him that I wanted to be with someone who will wants to raise a family in Korea. He wants that too."

"Ha Jin, this is too fast." My mother took my hand. "It hasn't been a year since you ended things with Han Kyul. People need time to heal. Sometimes when things go too quick too fast, things tend to blow up."

I shook my head. "I don't have the time to waste, Oma. Joon Ki is the one. We want the same things. Han Kyul lied to me about what he wanted. But with Joon Ki, we're the same. And he's Seung Won's brother, so you know that he's a good man."

She looked mystified. "I always thought that Seung Won had a crush on you."

"What?"

"What other young man would come over to a young woman's house to hang out with her nine year old brother? It's very obvious."

I laughed. "No, Oma. Seung Won's been playing matchmaker between me and Joon Ki for months. He's the one who gave me Joon Ki's army phone number."

"You're happy?"

"Yes. More than I thought possible."

"Well, if you're this happy when this Joon Ki isn't in the country, I want to see what this boy can do for you when he is here."

"Oma! I could die. How can you say such a thing! I'm going back to my room to read reports." I ran upstairs before my mother could say anymore. I shuddered, I did not fancy talking about my love life with my mother.

That evening, I was still nose deep in my work. I had plans later to see a movie with Kim So Eun, but I might have to cancel on her if I made headway into this new serum problem. I thought that the issue might be that the pH was too low in the product and that's why all the test results came back inconclusive. I heard my stomach rumbling. This always happened when I was too involved in my work; I always forgot to eat. I looked through the spicy ricecake restaurants near me on my phone, I didn't want to bother my mom with making me food if I could just slip out and grab a quick bite to eat.

I heard the doorbell and sat up.

"Ha Jin!" My mother called out to me. "Seung Won is here to see you."

I dropped my work and immediately ran downstairs. Maybe Joon Ki was home already? My heart jumped into my throat. I could imagine him already, grinning at the bottom of my staircase, teasing me that I sounded like a miniature horses running down the staircase. Would he still be in uniform? He had sent me a few pictures of himself in uniform and I found myself catching my breath; he was so beautiful. I wanted to touch him so badly. I dreamt about it. I told him once that I woke up with a memory of us making love, my face flaming, and my thighs clenching. He scoffed and said, "Welcome to the last ten years of my life."

Han Joon Ki. I missed you.

I missed every part of you. I missed your smile and your voice. The touch of your skin, hot against mine. The roughness of your beard after hours of not shaving, how it would scrape against the skin on my neck, making me raw. I still remembered the way you smelled, the mixture of metals and leather, the tang of it, the salt of your skin. I could breathe in the scent of your hair, how I wanted to tangle my fingers into the thick strands. Our conversations started in grey dawn and went until the sun broke the morning. I want you so much, Joon Ki. Sometimes, just hearing you saying my name would send me in a paroxysm of ecstasy. You said it so well, the aspirated H in the Ha part of my name. I could hear the tip of your tongue, pressing against the roof of your mouth, patting down the J sound, stroking the consonants. I woke up with in my bed with your voice saying my name, my hands buried in my underwear.

I clung to your voice. I remembered the first time we kissed in your kitchen how I was miserable that I was engaged to another man, but elated that you finally kissed me after waiting for me for a thousand years. I'd be a heartless, stupid wench not to be moved by such a thing. Of course I still love you. You knew that I would never stop loving you, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to throw myself at you. I don't care what was appropriate. I missed you so much.

All of my thoughts ran into a jumble. I was trying to keep myself from tripping when I landed at the bottom step. I saw the top of Seung Won's head because he was bowing and staring at the floor. What happened? I froze on the stairs.

"Seung Won?"

"Ha Jin." He finally lifted his head to look at me, his eyes were bloodshot. "Joon Ki's plane disappeared."

"What?"

"They lost communication with the tower about fifteen minutes after taking off from a private airport."

No. No. No. I felt lightheaded. He promised. Joon Ki promised me.

Wait for me. I'll be back.

He said those words to me. He couldn't go back on his words. Joon Ki wouldn't. My knees buckled and I dropped like a sack of stones onto the staircase, landing on the last step.

I looked up at Seung Won and he was trembling too. My chest burned. The space behind my eyes burned. I will not cry. Crying would make this a tragedy. Joon Ki could still be alive.

My mother grabbed Seung Won's arm and led him to the couch. I wanted to follow her, but I couldn't. I was still clinging to the bottom of the banister, carving my nails into the wood. I felt like an Egyptian statue, my feet carved into one stone. Sharp pain shot up my arms and I realized that I was gripping the wood of the banister so tightly that my hands lost circulation.

My mother hugged him tightly and patted him on the back while Nam Gil went and fetched tea. I couldn't hear what they were saying. My eyes were dry and I blinked painfully.

"Ha Jin?" Nam Gil was tugging at me. I saw his mouth open and shut without any noise coming out. I furrowed my brow. Why couldn't I hear?

"Noona?"

I could only see one thing at a time. In his hands was a hot cup of tea. His eyes were so big, wide with concern. I saw myself reflected in his dark irises, a single woman whose face looked as twisted as she felt. I closed my eyes and I could only hear Joon Ki's voice.

Wait for me. I'll be back.

I shook my head. I will not accept this.

I took the tea, gulping the entire thing in one draught, welcoming the burning in my body. I scalded my mouth, the cells on my tongue turning white, the inside of my cheeks sloughing off, my throat aching with pain.

"Seung Won." I got up finally and walked to the touch where he was sitting.

"Han Joon Ki is not dead." I tapped the chest bone over my heart. "I would know if he was."

I shivered when I said the words. I knew it was illogical and I knew it didn't make sense, but I also felt it to be true. Seung Won only nodded. He knew what I meant.

"My father is in Somalia right now. They're doing search and rescue."

"Joon Ki would not abandon us." My voice was firm, hard. I wanted to be the authority on this. After all, I knew Han Joon Ki better than anyone in his life. I had known every version of him. And I believed in him. Wang So said that he would find me after a thousand years and he did. It would take more than a hijacked plane to stop Joon Ki.

"What if he can't help it?" Seung Won's voice wavered. I saw on his face the uncertainty of losing a beloved brother. I hugged him tightly. He hooked his chin over my shoulder.

"What if he's killed? What if the plane crashed? What if-. Ha Jin, you don't understand. Every since I was little, Joon Ki has watched over me. I don't know who I am without him."

"I know, Seung Won." I pulled back and peered at him. "Joon Ki is the smartest, strongest, and most resilient person I've ever known. He's going to come back. We just have to believe in him, okay, Seung Won?"

My mother returned from upstairs and she wrapped the both of us in thick blankets. I gripped the wool around my shoulders and I saw Seung Won closing his eyes against the corner of the couch. There had to be something I could do. I wished I were a superhero. I wished I were Wonder Woman, a god-like entity who could save my Joon Ki. But I had no powers. I was just a regular girl.

It was almost four A.M. before I decided to go to my bed. Seung Won was long asleep on the couch and my mother and Nam Gil had already gone to bed. I went to my room and I found the hairpin that Joon Ki gave me before he left for Somalia. I touched each jewel, the garnets, the emeralds, the carved peony.

"Pabo, why didn't you take this with you." I gripped his good luck charm. I would never let go.

The pain inside me felt like I was stirring up broken glass into my lungs. I had made a mistake. I was wrong. The time on this earth was fleeting and who was I to think that I had all the time in the world to understand my feelings about Joon Ki. I should have been selfish. I should have dropped Han Kyul as soon as Joon Ki surfaced in my life. Joon Ki was the miracle and I was trying to be practical. This was all my fault. Joon Ki wouldn't be in Somalia right now if I didn't tell him to have a nice life that I was marrying Han Kyul. I should have grabbed as much happiness as I could. The hairpin dug into my palm, making a fleshy indentation.

I was too late. I was too late to realized that of course I loved Joon Ki. This is so much worse than when I left Wang So in the palace. At least then, when I chose to leave him, I had a very good reason. This time, I chose wrong. I sobbed into my hands. I chose wrong. I clutched my pillow and I tried to fill my mouth with the soft cotton batting. I wanted to scream.

The next morning, when I woke up, I realized that this terrible nightmare was still my reality. Joon Ki was still missing. I padded downstairs and saw Seung Won rubbing his eyes, waking up into the same nightmare we were sharing. We wanted Joon Ki to be alive. I met his eyes; we were both heart-broken.

When I sat down at breakfast, my mother made seafood pancakes and laid the crispy pile in front of Seung Won. I didn't want to eat. I lifted the black coffee to my lips and the bitter brew tasted like nothing. My mind was restless.

"Seung Won. Can we go to Africa? Can we find Han Joon Ki on our own?"

Seung Won shook his head.

"It's pointless for us to go to Somalia, Ha Jin." He stirred his oatmeal. "We don't know the language, we don't know the people. And Joon Ki will kill me if anything happened to you there. The best thing for us to do, I just talked to my father, is to wait for news."

I gripped my coffee mug.

"To be so useless, Seung Won? How can you stand it!"

"Listen to me, Ha Jin. General Han is the best equipped person to handle this situation." Seung Won pushed his breakfast food around. "Ha Jin. Why do you think Joon Ki is alive? You know the odds of surviving a plane crash are low."

"Because if he was dead, I would feel it in every part of my body." I murmured. I didn't trust my brain anymore. I only trusted my heart. And my heart was telling me that Joon Ki was still alive.

Seung Won nodded, half-believing me. I suppose I could only do so much for him.

My life turned into an endless round of surveillance. While I worked, Seung Won kept me abreast of the news from his father's side. I started learning military terms, because I needed to understand the shorthand terms that Seung Won would relay back to me. I saw a different side of Seung Won; he was truly the son of a general. He navigated through all the different ranks in the military smoothly. He knew how to ply different people with favors, or play up his father's station if he needed extra information. I felt useless in this world. I knew nothing about the military. I had to hastily learn the ranks. I knew that General Han had launched a search operation in the Gulf of Aden. There were boats trawling for the wreckage of the plane that Joon Ki was in. Every day, when the ships came back with no evidence of the plane wreckage, I could breathe again.

When the first month passed, I remember my hope shrinking down to a tiny pinpoint. Despair was the wolf at the door, furious scratching, trying to break through my defenses. I only let despair in late at night, when there was no one else could see me. During the day, I looked normal. I hired private detectives in Somalia. I hired a new search and rescue crew that would work closer to the site of the proposed crash. I listened to the CB radio transmission, listening for Joon Ki's call sign, Khazri. Khazri, please come back to me.

When Hwa-Shin, Joon Ki's second in command finally came back to Korea, I immediately hounded him. He didn't want to talk to me. I thought he might have been too torn up about the situation with Joon Ki too. I bribed him with a date with Kim So-Eun, even though I knew she had no interest in army men. But she agreed to go out on a date with him.

I followed them from theater to desert cafe and when I saw So-Eun give the signal, I showed up.

"Damnit, you again!"

"Hwa-Shin. Listen to me. I need to know as much about this mission as possible. I don't care if General Han threatens to discharge you dishonorably. I have a great deal of money and I can reward you."

So-Eun didn't look at me. She took tiny bites of her cheesecake and she left her hand linger on Hwa Shin's arm until he finally cracked.

"You can't tell anyone this information. I will be charged and tried in military court." He took in a deep breath.

"Corporal Han was flying to a peace conference with Al-Shabaab. He had been working on a resolution to curb trafficking of medical supplies. They didn't like him. He was always a thorn in their side."

I nodded.

"You have to understand that Somalia is a complicated place. It wasn't just that Joon Ki had enemies, it was that he was going to get in the way of Al-Shabaab making money. And if anyone comes between a militant group and their money, they're-." Hwa-Shin fell silent. He didn't look at me anymore.

"Say it."

"They tend to not live anymore."

"What about his translator? The one you mentioned from earlier. Asad? What about him? Could he have betrayed Joon Ki?"

"I don't think you can trust anyone, Miss Go."

"Do you think he's still alive, Hwa-Shin?"

"They still haven't found the plane right?"

I nodded and tilted my head at Kim So Eun. She blotted her mouth and took her hand off Hwa Shin. We split a cab together back home.

"Thank you, So-Eun. I hope he wasn't a huge asshole."

She shrugged.

"Sajangnim. Do you want me to cancel the the marketing push for tomorrow?"

"I need more time, So-Eun." I glanced at the speeding city scape.

In the third month of Joon Ki's disappearance, Seung Won came to my office. He brought a package of kimbap and we split the three rolls between us while I debriefed him on all the different private detectives I was working with.

"They've been through the four acres northwest of the airport a dozen times already. What if we swept the southwestern quadrant?" I pointed at the map to Seung Won.

"Noona." He said quietly. "You need to take care of yourself. You've lost so much weight."

"How can I be losing weight when I'm eating three kimbaps at a time?" I waved him off. I wanted him to get back to the task at hand. Seung Won's eyes were soft and suddenly he leaned forward.

"How does it work, Ha Jin?" He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Joon Ki said that he remembered you from a past life, but what does that mean?"

I grabbed a blanket from my couch in the office, I was shivering again.

"It's not something I can explain easily." I hesitated. I wondered if I should give Seung Won the full family history of the Wangs in Goryeo. Was there anyway to avoid pain for Seung Won?

"Can you try?"

I looked at Seung Won, I suppose just like me, he needed answers about Joon Ki.

"Your brother loved me very much in the 10th century." I hesitated at the beginning of the story. It was so hard to talk about us. "When I was first transported in time, I was drowning in this world. I arrived in Goryeo, at the palace where you and your brothers were all living."

"Wait, I was there too?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't I remember?"

"I'm not sure, Seung Won." I shook my head. "You and Joon Ki were both princes, born from Queen Yoo and King Taejo. Wang So, that was Joon Ki's name at the time, saved me from falling into a river. And we were very young in Goryeo. He had been exiled for a long time, to serve as a collateral to the Kangs. When he came back Songak, he wanted to be a prince again, and when he met me, of course, I had no clue what I was doing back in time. And you know Joon Ki, Seung Won. Once he set his mind to something, nothing would stop him. He fell in love with me, maybe because I was so different. I loved him so much. But Seung Won, you don't understand how deadly life in the palace could be. When Wang So became the king known as Gwangjong, every single person around us wanted more power, so they were willing to anything to take it. He had to marry the princess Yeon Hwa."

"Wait, my brother married another woman instead of you?"

"He married two other women instead of me."

"And you still loved him?"

"They weren't marriages for love, Seung Won. They were marriages for power."

"I could never imagine Joon Ki doing anything like that now."

"You were mad, Seung Won." I smiled wryly at him. "You were mad that I became the King's woman and he had already married two other women. You promised to take me out of the palace."

"I did?"

"Yes. You did. You had an older king's declaration to marry me and you saved me."

"I married you instead of Joon Ki? Did he hate me?"

"I don't know, Seung Won." I looked at Seung Won's gentle face. "You were my hero at the end of my life, Seung Won. You were so brave. You took care of me, kept my daughter out of the palace. You held me as I died."

"Jesus." He shook his head. "How did it all turn out so badly? And did you say you had a daughter?"

"Yes, it was the king's baby." I winced when I remembered Byeol's perfect face.

"I wished I remembered some of this."

"I talked with Joon Ki a long time about this, Seung Won. And we decided that we would not tell you unless you asked."

"Ah, Hyung. He always wants to keep me from pain."

I felt the corner of my mouth wobble. I couldn't keep it together anymore. Not in the face of what I knew I was losing. There was a real chance that Joon Ki would never come back. That the last time I talked to him was over the phone when he promised that he would be back. I reached into my pocket and squeezed the hairpin that I kept with me. Suddenly, I could not stop crying. The three months of pent up frustration and pain all came rushing out like a vicious monsoon. I felt like nature. My fury, my sorrow, my anger, it was unstoppable. Joon Ki. My love. You cannot be gone.

In the beginning of the fourth month without news about Joon Ki, I felt myself grow numb with the world. I decided to take a sabbatical from work. All of my products were miraculously making it to market and I didn't feel like working anymore. My eyes felt hollow and dry. The woman in the mirror didn't look like me anymore. All I saw was Hae Su at the end of her life, willing it to be over, wanting to forget.

I took long walks around Seoul by myself, at all hours of the night. I was so restless and I couldn't sleep. Every time I met my dream, it was Joon Ki, and when I woke up, I would feel acute chest pain like I was having heart attack. I'd rather stay awake and walking. I got to know all the different neighborhoods. I walked with my hoodie tucked around my face, my hairpin cutting into my palm, and my feet like lead.

I couldn't stop reviewing the phone messages between me and Joon Ki, the glowing electronic trail of jokes, declarations of love, selcas, and pictures that tried to convey what we were to each other. I couldn't sleep. I sat at a convenience store, slurping down ramen, and numbly watching the news. When the news segment changed, the news anchor on KBS started talking about the Gulf of Aden. I dropped my chopsticks and stopped eating.

Could it be? Why would KBS be broadcasting about Somalia unless it were about Joon Ki? Was there war in Somalia? What if Joon Ki were still alive and caught behind enemy lines. I gripped the sticky table and tried to focus my eyes.

"Rescue at sea! The fisherman was at sea for nearly 10 days before a small pleasure boat picked him up after spotting his signal. The fisherman used a series of mirrors and iPhone screens to produce a signal. Quite simply, the coast guards are describing this as a miracle."

It wasn't him. My shoulders slumped and I pushed the ramen into the trashcan near by. I got up and started walking home. It started drizzling. The cold rain soaked my hair, collecting around my eyelashes, running down the back of my shirt. I shivered, but I didn't feel cold. I blinked, the rain mixing with my tears.

I felt my phone buzz in hands. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning. I tried to see through my cloudy vision and I could make out a text message from an unknown number.

It was a girl with long hair and a pin. A hairpin.

The ringing began in my ears and spread throughout through every part of my head. I gripped the phone so hard I thought I would crack the screen. My legs began moving before I even knew what was going on. I ran, sprinting through the shallow puddles at street level making miniature rivers that I splashed through like I was running away from a murderer. I was blinded for a second by a brilliant white flash and a huge clap of thunder a split second behind. I was in the middle of a thunderstorm, but I had never been more ecstatic. Lightning be damned, the heavens weren't going to strike me down before I could see Joon Ki.

Joon Ki. You are alive. You are alive. You came back to me.

I could hear the squeaking of my running shoes, waterlogged and heavy, hitting the pavement. The neighborhood was completely empty, the only sound on the street was me gasping through the final reserves of my aching lungs. I finally got to Seung Won's apartment and banged on the door with my fist. He came out, sleepy and disoriented. I grabbed him by the shoulders, I couldn't talk. Seung Won peered at me as I tried to make words with my useless mouth.

"Noona come in! You're going to get electrocuted if you stay out here."

I could barely see him, the rain was so heavy and washed over my face, choking me with water. I finally took a breath and out spilled my news.

"Joon Ki! He's alive. I know he's alive!"

"What?!"

I showed him the text message and he frowned at me. "Noona, what does this mean?"

"It's our sign for each other." I nodded and felt like my face was going to crack from smiling. "He's alive!"

Seung Won grabbed his phone to look.

"I have three missed calls from my father."

I only heard scraps of his conversation with General Han, but I didn't need to. Joon Ki was alive. Seung Won grabbed his jacket and we got into a cab. As the cab sped through the early morning, I felt like I was floating on a golden cloud. The radio crackled on the front seat, and I could hear the helicopter reporter saying that the road conditions were very bad since it was one of the worst storms Seoul had seen in years. I peered up at the liters of water pouring down like the sky had cracked open; I grinned through the violent weather. I trusted storms. They brought me good fortune.

When we arrived at reception, the military nurse eyed me up and down. My teeth were chattering and Seung Won was sweet talking her.I probably looked like a drowned rat.

"She can't come in."

"What?"

"She's not family."

"Noona, come on." Seung Won tried to flirt with the nurse.

"Don't Noona me. I'm not related to you. If she wants to wait, she has to wait out here."

"Seung Won. Don't worry about me. Just go in and see if he's okay. Please?" I begged him. Seung Won looked disheartened but he nodded and disappeared through the swinging door way where I saw a flock of doctors waiting.

I sat back down in the chairs and I felt my heart pounding in excitement. I started sneezing violently. I had been out in the rain for far too long.

"Yah! Stop that. Do you want to make everyone sick here?!"

"It's a hospital."

The desk nurse gave me a short laugh and came out from behind her desk with a set of fresh dry scrubs.

"It's not the cutest thing you can meet your boyfriend in, but at least you won't get sicker."

I smiled up at her and I grabbed the scrubs to change into. It was a such a relief to be dry and warm. I went to the corner of the reception where there was a couch and I curled up against the cushions. My eyes were so heavy. I hadn't slept for months. All the adrenaline that was flowing through me suddenly left. I was right by the heating vent and the warm blast of air made me so sleepy. I was drifting into darkness.

"Ha Jin."

"Mmmm, Joon Ki." I was still dreaming of him. "Where are you?"

"I'm right here."

"No, you're not. You left me." I hated this dream. The one where he was only a voice in my head and I couldn't touch him.

"Pabo. Open your eyes."

My eyes flew open. It wasn't a dream. Joon Ki. I rubbed my eyes furiously. When my eyes finally focused, I saw his eyes. Joon Ki's right hand was stroking my cheek. I grabbed his hand.

"This isn't a dream?" I demanded.

Joon Ki grinned and pulled me towards him. He kissed me. Han Joon Ki. You're alive.

I felt a golden glow spread through me. His mouth claimed mine. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling, by him. He was warm, he was real, he was alive. I held on, as the waves of joy flowed through me. I felt like l had been dead for months and now feelings were finally returning. Every moment we had ever kissed triggered to life in my mind. When Wang So declared that he loved and I kissed him. When I went after him after he was injured by an arrow protecting me. The last one was bittersweet, the kiss we shared in his kitchen before he left. It was nearly a year ago. I sobbed, so happy to be in his arms again. He held my face in his hands and wiped away my wet cheeks.

"If you cry every time we kiss, I'm going to think that you don't want me to kiss you."

He pressed his forehead against mine. I couldn't stop looking at him.

"I promise, I'll stop crying." I licked my lips and my mouth parted, I'd show him how much I missed him.

"Ahem."

Seung Won cleared his throat. I didn't even notice that Joon Ki's entire family was in the waiting room. I blushed immediately. This was not the way I wanted to see all of the Hans together. General Han was making a point of looking away and Jin-Jeong crossed her arms with disapproval. There was another man in the room, I suppose that it was Jin-Young, the oldest brother. He looked at me with a smirk on his face. I stood up immediately bowed to everyone.

"I'm sorry."

"Everyone, you remember Ha Jin." Joon Ki's hands dropped down and grasped my fingers lightly. "We've been dating long distance for the last year, please take good care of her."

"You were Seung Won's friend, the one who was engaged?" Jin Jeong pursed her lips and looked me up and down. "The singer."

"Yeh." I bowed.

"Well, this is all very confusing." Jin Jeong threw up her hands. "Joon Ki, I'm happy you've been recovered. It is very important that national security was not compromised because you decided to go on a wild goose chase."

I saw Joon Ki's facial muscle twitch with amusement. I wondered why he had that reaction to Jin-Jeong's distantly maternal words. Maybe this was part of the unhappy family thing.

She spun to leave and gave me one last look. She looked like she was about to say something, but then thought better of it. She turned to Seung Won.

"Seung Won, are you going to quit your labor union job?"

Seung Won slowly shook his head.

"Your father needs to talk some sense into you."

Jin Jeong glanced at Jin Young and they both left. General Han walked over to me and peered at me closely.

"You seem familiar to me somehow."

I froze in place. Did he have his memories returning to him too? Would he oppose Joon Ki and my relationship the way King Taejo did? Wang So never mentioned to me that King Taejo wanted him to throw me away, but I deduced as much. After Lady Oh's death, the King sent me away to be a palace slave. I knew that General Han probably had no recollections, but he'd have to forgive me if I was still a little skittish over my Goryeo memories.

"It's-it's because we've met two or three times." I stammered out. He nodded and glanced at Joon Ki.

"Well, my son is rather fond of you. Joon Ki, the doctors said you need about a month of recovery for your broken ribs. I don't expect you back until you're fully healed. If I see you anywhere on the base, I will send you home."

Joon Ki saluted his father and General Han walked out. After his father left, Seung Won let out a deeply held breath.

"Wow, Hyung."

"I know, right?" They shared an astonished look.

"Wow. Abeoji showing some real emotions."

"That's emotional?" I looked at the two of them, mystified.

Seung Won raised an eyebrow at me. "There'll be plenty of time to learn about the Hans later. I should leave you two alone." He bid us farewell and it was only Joon Ki and I in the waiting room. I tugged on my scrubs nervously and tucked my hair behind my ears.

"Hi." I let my hands drift along his arms up to his collarbone. He was a lot tanner than before he left. The dark skin made him look rakish and handsome. I sighed happily. Smoothing my hand down his chest, I felt the thick cast set around his ribs.

"I don't have a lot of mobility right now." Joon Ki grinned at me. "You'll have to do all the work."

A week later, Joon Ki finally got discharged from the hospital. I decided to meet him at his apartment after he got home. He told me the code to his place, so I came prepared with a overnight bag stuffed with food and some clothes.

"Hello?" I strode through the front door. "I'm here."

He was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter where he kissed me for the first time. Joon Ki walked over to me, glanced at my overnight bag, and backed me against the hallway in his apartment. I dropped my bag.

"Hello." He lifted my head with his forefinger. "Ha Jin. We haven't been alone yet." His voice was husky. "Do you remember what I said I would do to you when I returned?"

My mouth went dry.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 _*author note: Bahahah, I am such a tease. Please review and comment to hurry along what y'all know is coming._


	15. Chicken and Beer

**Chapter 15 - CHICKEN AND BEER**

I walked over to Ha Jin, I grinned when I noticed that she was carrying an overnight bag. She stopped as soon as she spotted me, licking her lips. I followed the pink point of her tongue, drawn to it like I was following a missile.

"Hello." I lifted her chin with my forefinger. "Ha Jin. We haven't been alone yet. Do you remember what I said I would do to you when I returned?"

"I remember."

"Good." I leaned down and kissed her full on the mouth. I was starved for her. We hadn't time alone. I was in the hospital for another week while my ribs set. There were endless doctors or family in the way. Not to mention, whenever I had a free moment, I was debriefing the army on my mission. We had kissed only twice before, once in my kitchen and once at the hospital when Ha Jin waited for me in the ugly hospital lobby.

Ha Jin sighed softly against me and I could breath in the minty sweetness on her breath. I took advantage of her parted lips, my tongue plundering the warmth of her mouth. Her small sharp tongue darted into my mouth, twirled around my tongue, like an overeager dancer. She was so soft. We finally had a moment where I was not dying in Africa and she was not engaged to another man. She was mine, again, after a thousand years.

My hands cupped the back of her head and went to tangle in her hair, massaging the strands and releasing the shampoo scent in her hair. Ha Jin smelled amazing. I could be like this for hours, exploring her, tasting her; she was good like fresh bread, wholesome and soft. Each second went by, and I fell even deeper into carnal bliss. I was ravenous. Nearly a year without Ha Jin was too much. She let out a moan and I felt the rush of blood to my groin, I pressed my hardness into her, we were like teenagers. Her small breasts resting against my chest, and I could feel her nipples stiffening against me. Ha Jin, there is no one I want more than you. My heart, it ran away from me, pounding like a mad rabbit.

I tried to hoist her up to straddle my hips and I winced I felt the sharp stabbing in my side.

"Stop."

"What?"

She smiled at me.

"I know your treatment plan."

"You're my treatment plan."

"Not even close, ahjussi."

She ducked out from under me and grabbed her bag and sat it in the living room next to the couch. Curling up on one end of the couch, Ha Jin raised an eyebrow and gestured for me to sit next to her.

"What did I say about calling me ahjussi?"

"I have a reason to be here. And it's not just to make out with you in the hallway."

"What could be a more noble purpose, than to welcome me home after such a dangerous mission?" I ambled over and took her hand, bringing it to my mouth. Taking a single digit, I lightly nibbled around her knuckle and sucked at her fingertip. Her eyelids fluttered closed and I could see her take a breath.

"Stop it, Joon Ki!" She drew back. "When the person has an rib injury, the most important thing is immobility. No excitement. No deep breathing. See, I'm fully ready. Look at everything I packed!"

I peeked into her overnight bag and it was partially clothes and partially ice packs. I shook my head.

"What is all of this?"

"I'm going to make sure you heal as best as I can. That means no sex until you're recovered."

"What?" I definitely didn't like where this was going. She giggled when she saw my forlorn expression. "So what are we going to do?"

She beckoned me and motioned for me to turn around so that my back was to her. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, she held me lightly, careful to not to put any pressure on my side.

"We're going to do this."

"I feel like this is going to get boring, fast." Her cheeks rubbed against mine and she gave me tiny pecks from the corner of my mouth to my temples. This kind of tenderness was making me feel puffed with pride and love. It was like I was a deflated parade balloon before Ha Jin returned to me and her love filled me with the buoyancy that made me feel like I was floating. Wang So was a lucky bastard, the recipient of all of Hae Su's affections. I remembered that Gwangjong would always demand that Hae Su embrace him as the big spoon when they were in bed, and now I knew why. The feeling of Ha Jin's arms felt better than any laurels, better than even being an emperor. As long as I was first in Ha Jin's heart, I was a rich and powerful man.

"Not for me." I could feel her smiling against my face. "I've wanted to do this for a thousand years."

"Oh." I tried to relax into her. The sexual tension wasn't going to go away. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I was completely riled up, my blood was going everywhere except my brain-I felt like a race horse chomping at the bit-but Ha Jin said no sex. I groaned. This was worse than being at a hospital in Somalia. Especially because as she wrapped herself around me, I fought the urge just to pin her to the couch and show her everything I wanted to do to her.

"So are you going to tell me about how you got out of a hijacked plane or do I have to waterboard you for the details?"

I turned my head to look at her, Ha Jin had caught me. Her eyes were soft and serious.

"Joon Ki, how did you come back to me? I prayed every night that I would get a sign. I-I could barely sleep in the last month."

"I made you a promise."

She smoothed down my hair and rewarded me with a kiss. I shifted out of her embrace. I had to be honest, as much as I could be. The answers might not make her happy.

"In my line of work, I can't be fully honest with you about everything. It would put too many people in danger. It might also put you in danger."

"So you can't tell me what happened?"

"I can't tell you who survived or who died. Their identity is being kept under cover for their own safety."

"Did anyone die?"

"Yes."

"What happened after you landed the plane?"

I pressed my mouth closed. This was precisely why I couldn't discuss the larger matter at hand with Ha Jin. Asad was still in danger of being discovered by Al-Shabaab. After Asad, Hans, and I gained control of the plane, we realized that even if we landed the plane, we'd have to plan an extremely careful exit of the volatile country. Hans took the plane off radar and we landed on an airstrip in the middle of nowhere.

"We had to make sure Al-Shabaab didn't find us before we left the country, so we had to disappear for a while."

I wasn't going to entertain any follow up questions.

Ha Jin frowned and nodded. She put a little distance between us. I suppose she had to ponder what it meant that there were parts of my life that would never be an open book to her. She started fumbling around the kitchen cabinets. I saw her stretching up, she was too short to reach most of the taller cabinets.

"Joon Ki, you only have ramyun and potato chips here." She sounded dismayed. I closed the distance between us quickly, my hands resting her on waist to lift her up to see the higher shelves.

"I thought we'd order take out." I ran my hand up and down her spine. She shivered.

"Well, that's going to be very expensive. Let's get groceries delivered since you're not well enough." She nodded with her own decision and pressed a few buttons on her phone.

"So, ahjussi, what would you like to do today?" She grinned at me.

"I'd like to be inside you with you screaming my name."

Ha Jin fumbled, her phone dropping to the floor.

"Aish! You can't be saying that kind of stuff in broad daylight!"

"Why not? I'm just being honest." I got closer and played with the hem of her shirt. Ha Jin looked up at me and pushed her hand against my chest.

"Yah. Don't even think that I don't know what you're doing. You're using your body to distract me." She narrowed her eyes. "I have the day planned out. In the morning, we find the most nutritious breakfast possible. I saw a little shop around the corner from your apartment and I already talked to the ahjumma and she said that she would be happy to set aside the menu I planned out. Mid-morning, we do breathing exercises together. Lunch time, probably more exercises. Afternoon, reading and studying because I'm sure the mountain of reports you have to complete for this mission is higher than Hallasan."

Ha Jin went into her purse and pulled out her glasses and set them firmly on her face.

"I'm going to be your drill sergeant in recovery."

"I don't think I've ever had a drill sergeant so cute before." I beamed at her. Her glasses just made her adorable, she looked like an innocent librarian, ready for ravishing. I pressed my luck. I stepped closer and my hands stroking the silky inch that was exposed between her t-shirt and jeans. Her breathing hitched immediately.

"Joon Ki." She murmured.

"Hmm. Ha Jin." I held her face gently and kissed her again, dragging my lips against hers and teasing her tongue. "Let's not do a schedule okay?"

"But. But-Okay."

"Let's just do whatever we want, it's been so long since I've had a chance to do that with someone I really like." I nuzzled her nose and she finally opened her eyes. Her smile was brighter than platinum. I was just so damn happy, it felt like rockets exploding whenever I brushed my mouth against hers, ocean waves crashing when she melted into me, all kinds of nature metaphors that escape me now because there wasn't anything that could match Ha Jin for me.

When she turned around to look for water, I surreptitiously put her phone on plane mode, mine as well. I really didn't want any visitors.

She pulled back as soon as our kissing got too heated, pushing her little hands firmly, and setting boundaries-Ha Jin, the recovery drill sergeant. She would back away giggling and I'd have to chase her from one side of the apartment to the next.

"Ow!" I groaned on the last pass near the bedroom hallway, where I actually felt winded, the dull ache of healing bones was seriously cramping my style.

"Oh no!"

She turned around quickly to check up on me. It was a good fake out. I quickly wound my arms around her waist again and resumed Operation Aimless Making Out. This time, she let me go as far as nipping at her neck, along her pulse point. I was just getting to the best part of the agreed upon make-out territory. I negotiated hard for this. Ha Jin had said nothing below the neck, and I fiercely lobbied for the collarbone, the little hollow right under her neck where I could lap and tickle. When the doorbell rang. I swore and Ha Jin rested her head against my chest, her breathing ragged and uneven.

"Maybe they'll go away."

The doorbell rang again, persistent and this time even longer.

I grabbed her hand we both let out breaths to steady ourselves.

When I opened the door, Seung Won had his eyes squeezed shut.

"Hyung! Is it safe to come in? Everyone decent?"

"That's not funny, Seung Won." Ha Jin stamped her feet as Seung Won opened one eye to wink at her.

"Noona! I didn't know what to expect. I've been texting and calling you two non-stop all morning. What happened to answer your phones?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Ah, I kinda of put our phones on airplane mode."

"Very clever, but you still couldn't keep Seung Won away." Ha Jin chortled.

"I don't want to get in the way of your reunion. I know you have a lot of, er, catching up to do. But I wanted to let you know, Hyung, I'm going down to Busan for a few weeks."

"For what?"

"Well, the Song Machines Group workers are thinking about unionizing and I think if I can get down there with enough time to talk to a few hundred people, we might have a shot at getting collective bargaining."

"Seung Won, that's fantastic!" Ha Jin clapped my brother on the back. "If you can get that factory to come together, maybe everyone will have a chance at a better life."

"I'm worried, Seung Won." I didn't want to burst his bubble, but a move to unionize was a dangerous one. And the Songs were one of the most powerful chaebol groups out there. Any attempts at unionizing any of their previous factories usually resulted in a few lives being destroyed. I didn't know the story first-hand, but I overheard enough from Mother's talks that I found the entire family unsavory. Even though, I suppose technically, I was half Song.

"Have you planned for interference from the Song Group? SG is know for some very backhanded tactics. Do you remember their paint factory from 1996?"

"No. What happened?"

"A few workers committed suicide on the roof and the entire thing was covered up. There were almost no formal investigation that took place and the police wrote the whole thing off as a cult gone wrong."

"I'll keep that in mind Hyung. But I'm going with some old timers. They've seen it all. I'm going to follow their lead. Don't worry about me. I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm going to see to it that people know their rights. Besides, Omoni and Jin-Young won't let anything really bad happen to me."

"I hope you're right. Just be careful that's all. And don't trust everyone you meet."

"Aish, hyung, you're cynical and distrustful of everyone. Not everyone is a war criminal. Can you change that about him, Noona?"

"I'll try." Ha Jin grabbed her phone from the kitchen. "I have a friend from Busan, so call her in case if you need any local information, okay?"

When Seung Won left, I was quiet. I turned what he said to me over and over again in my mind. I considered calling Jin-Jeong, but wasn't sure if that was going to get Seung Won into another family fracas. I had a bad feeling about this. And even though, I suppose I didn't know all the particulars around the particulars that Seung Won was trying to executed, I still felt uneasy.

Ha Jin started the tea pot and handed me a cup of oolong a few minutes later.

"Joon Ki. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." I took a sip of the tea and recoiled when it scalded me.

"Will you tell me what's bothering you?"

"Why did you support Seung Won so quickly?"

She frowned.

"Seung Won is right. There's been so much in the news about how factory workers are not getting paid a living wage. Especially in Busan, when the housing is limited so workers have to commute hours just to go to work."

"Is it, Ha Jin? There aren't enough jobs as it is in Busan. And if you have the workers enter the collective bargaining agreement, what's to stop the Song chaebol from shutting the entire factory down and sending all the work to China?"

"So you think that Seung Won is doing something foolish right now?"

"He's young. And optimistic. I'd rather him not get involved with the Songs."

"I believe in Seung Won. I think he's going to get it done."

"Are you saying that I don't believe in my brother?"

"It's like Seung Won said, you're very cynical and distrustful of people. I think you need to have some hope."

"I'm distrustful?" I felt completely misunderstood. "You'll have to forgive me if I think good intentions are not good enough. People can always get hurt, no matter what they're trying to do."

"You can't live like that, Joon Ki. I trust you. I adore you. But you are very pragmatic and sometimes I don't think you see hope when hope is needed."

"Ha Jin, don't talk to me about hope. Believing in that crap will only make your life worse." I grounded out, my teeth clenching. I only saw starving bodies, the kidnapped girls, their eyes hollow and vacant.

"Joon Ki, Seung Won will be okay. He's smart like you, and he's said he was going to be careful. You have to trust him, that he's making the right choices as a grown man."

"I don't want to talk more about this. I feel like we're just going in circles here."

"Joon Ki, please don't shut me out when you're upset like this."

"Leave me alone right now."

I got up and went to the balcony. I couldn't breathe. My heart felt tight in my chest. Of all the people in my life, I thought Ha Jin would understand how important Seung Won was to me. Of course, I wouldn't want him involved. How could she misunderstand me like this. I could feel Ha Jin's eyes boring holes into the back of my head. Suddenly, I heard the door to the apartment open and I saw her departing back.

Crap. She was angry. I was angry. I was frustrated. I had screwed up. I turned my phone back on and tried to call Ha Jin, but I heard the buzzing on the coffee table in my living room before I realized she had left her phone behind, probably for the purpose of making it harder to find her.

I didn't know what to do. I considered going out around my neighborhood until I found her. But then what would I say? I didn't want to apologize for the way I felt. What I felt was real. Ha Jin didn't have the full picture and I was too hot-tempered and sensitive about our Song family history to really clear the muddied waters for her. Our Song family history was a dark one and I didn't want Seung Won to be entangled. Why couldn't she just leave the issue alone? Why was she worrying at this bit of sensitive psyche, and drawing it out of me, like a tweezer pulling out the splinter? It felt like she was rubbing salt deep in this wound that I had never really confronted about myself. I was annoyed, I was peeved. I paced in my living room until the tea got cold, but I drank it anyways, because Ha Jin made it for me.

I tried watching TV. I tried taking a shower. I did a few breathing exercises by myself according to the neat print out that Ha Jin left for me in the kitchen. She amended the instructions with her own color commentary with adorably drawn rabbit cartoons. I sighed. She loves me. She would come back.

After a few hours, I realized I didn't know when she'd be coming back. I started panicking. This was our first fight, but surely she wasn't going to not return. We had never fought before. I breathed in deep, already missing her. This wasn't how I wanted to spend time with her, feeling rejected and miserable. I wanted to call Seung Won to tell him that I had no idea what to do, but he was probably on the train to Busan, with very poor reception.

I bent down to try to get my feet into my trainers, wincing all the way, when my door creaked open. I glanced up at the slight figure blocking the light from the outside. She had a bucket of fried chicken and beers in her hand. Her eyes were red and puffy.

"Ha Jin." I groaned in relief and wrapped her in my arms, chicken, beer, and all.

"I don't want to fight anymore, Joon Ki."

"Do you always buy food when you're angry?"

"I get hungry when I'm angry. It burns a lot of calories."

She set all the food and drinks on the coffee table and motioned for me to sit next to her.

"I had some time by myself to think about it. I was so mad at you. I was so mad that you were doing the thing that I hated so much with Wang So, which was to keep me on the outside. But then I realized, I was doing the same thing I did with all my old boyfriends, I would project other people's behavior on you. But you Joon Ki, you're not Wang So. You loved me the same way, but you have a different family. You had a different life. And you've lived differently."

She took a deep breath, she had my full attention.

"Joon Ki, you probably don't know this about my family, but before my mother finished teacher's college, my father was a factory worker in Busan. When I was very young, before Nam Gil was born, we lived in a tiny apartment and Appa worked 16 hour shifts to support us. But it still wasn't enough. We couldn't afford winter clothes sometimes. We never turned on the heat. Do you see this?"

Ha Jin pointed at a patch of dark skin behind her left ankle.

"I got frostbite there in the second grade, in my home. You see, I'm a worker. I'm not in your class. We come from working people, so I sympathize, very much, with what Seung Won is doing." She opened the bucket of chicken. The smell of fried food was making me hungry too. If this was Ha Jin's appeasement plan, it was working really well.

"But then I thought, how would I feel if anything happened to Nam Gil? If I knew Nam Gil was going into certain danger, of course, I would be angry at the person encouraging him to jump into the fire."

She smiled weakly. "Do you understand me now?"

"Yes. Thank you. I needed to understand."

She crawled into my lap. "We should always talk. It makes things a lot easier."

I smoothed down her arm.

"Ha Jin. You are, just-"

"Annoying?"

"Amazing." I kissed the top of her head. She was so different than Hae Su. I suppose both losing Wang So and Byeol had taught her to not to ignore things that made her unhappy.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?"

"You want me to apologize?"

"No, I want you to say that you'll stay and fight with me instead of shutting me out. I'd rather you face me angry than turn away from me."

I nodded.

She extended her right hand and I kissed it, softly on the knuckles.

"Not that, I want chicken and beer." She smacked my hand away and reached for her intended prize. Diving her hand into the bucket, Ha Jin fished out a drumstick and bit in gleefully, the chicken did not stand a chance. I watched the corner of her eyes crinkle, her little pearly teeth biting, her mouth curled up in enjoyment. When she was finished, she licked her fingers and grabbed another one. I couldn't believe that I was jealous of chicken, but here we were.

"Aish, how can a girl be so happy to eat fried chicken?"

"Don't come between me and my food, Joon Ki."

She wrinkled her nose and I grabbed her wrist and took a bite of the crispy bird.

"Yah! That's not cool!" She looked steamed as I chomped merrily away at her food.

"Ha Jin, yours tastes better."

Smiling angelically, she took a can of beer and shook it and before I knew what she was up to, the can exploded in my face and I was soaked in beer.

When I finally got the beer out of my eyes, I saw Ha Jin grinning at me. I couldn't be mad. Instead, I winked at her and yanked my T-shirt over my head, flinching dramatically the entire time.

"What are you doing?"

"You wanted this shirt off, you should have asked." I raised a can of beer to her eye level and popped the pressurized can so she was immediately soaked too.

"Ahh! Otoke! It's so cold!" She sputtered and got up from the couch shivering.

Before she could duck into the bathroom, I grabbed her T-shirt and yanked back. She fell into my arms backwards, like a we were doing a very beer soaked version of a tango.

"Where do you think you're going?"

I held her gaze, her eyes were incandescent. Was it insane that I thought Ha Jin looked better than any woman I had ever seen like this, with drops of beer clinging to her eyelashes, her mouth slightly shiny with fried chicken. I dipped her back and kissed her like we were in the movies and not like we were in my living room, with a lifetime of memories between us. She gasped into my mouth when she felt hands skim under her shirt and slide between her bra and skin.

Our making out was definitely past the PG-rating now. I made my way back on the couch, where I made quick work of her shirt and bra. I ducked my head to suck on a rapidly firming nipple.

"Joon Ki. Oh."

I felt like my cock was going to explode from my body. I felt Ha Jin little hands slip down into my pants and softly jerk my member. I groaned. As soon as I tried to move, my sides started with piercing pain.

"Ha Jin. No, I can't."

"But I can." She got off the couch and sank to her knees, purring at me. "Let me."

"What?"

She didn't break eye contact with me when she pulled out my cock. Her eyes fell from mine and directed herself onto my penis. I would sometimes dream about having sex with Ha Jin, but it wasn't like this. She was in total control of me. I ran my fingers through her hair, but I couldn't stop looking at at her, her pink mouth open like invitation as she swallowed me. Releasing her head, I gripped the pillows on the couch. I couldn't believe this was happening. Ha Jin knelt in front of me, like a sex goddess, her tongue laving up and down the my shaft.

"Mm, do you like that Joon Ki?" She cradled my balls and tugged them softly.

"Ha Jin. Please." I could barely get out my words. It felt like pleasure was blossoming all over my body. Her mouth was so wet, so warm. This was the best day of my life. Her beautiful eyes gazed up at me, I couldn't believe I was looking at something both sacred and profane at the same time. Her mouth was full of me, and I could see her lips swollen with rubbing against my length. I was the luckiest man in the world. Her lips pulling up and down my shaft. I was completely in love. She gripped me tightly with her hands and her sweet little mouth sucked and sucked until I thought I might still be dreaming and that I would wake up any moment, still in Somalia with the stern nurse watching over me. In the black screen of my TV, I could see her reflection, her elegant back and sharp waist, dipping in like the musical lines of a violin body, and her head bobbing up and down, as diligent as she ever did anything. When she finally released me, her little tongue lapped hungrily at the head of my dick, making little butterfly strokes until I knew I couldn't hold it anymore.

"Ha Jin. I'm going to-."

She nodded and took me back in her mouth and swallowed everything I had. When I came, all I could see were Ha Jin's eyes. Her eyes, slightly teary from her efforts to please me, were wide still with adoration. Could a single man accept this much? I wondered if being with Ha Jin was always going to be like this: the sex, the fighting, the food, the endlessly way she surprised me. Getting up from her knees, Ha Jin took a sip from the half empty can.

"Better?"

"I don't what I'm suppose to say." I grabbed her and held her in my lap, bruising and healing bones didn't matter. I just wanted to feel my skin against hers. Brushing her hair forward, I lapped at her nape, tasting the beer that was spilled there and salt of her sweat. "You really know how to make a man crazy."

After the first week of Ha Jin being in my apartment, I was just getting used to another person in my home. I either lived with men in barracks or by myself, so this feeling of having a woman in my home at all times was at first alien, I was a bit shocked by how normal, how good it felt to have Ha Jin in my house. The first night she spent with me was pure torture. She finished brushing teeth, her face completely bare from makeup, she emerged from the bathroom. I was getting used to the sounds of being a couple. Having another person in the next room, hearing her routine, having her call out to me like it was the most natural thing in the world. She was telling me about how Kim So Eun was terrible at dating and that she'd like her to date men that weren't just pretty to look at. I wasn't sure what to do, so I sat on the chair opposite my bed, waiting to see what her next move was.

"Is that what you wear to sleep?"

She tilted her head, the picture of innocence, and spun slowly. Aish, this girl was worse than getting tortured. I groaned. This was so unfair. Ha Jin wore silk tap pants and tiny silk camisole, comfortable, but insanely sexy. And she was going to be next to me all night? If it weren't for this injury, so many things if it weren't for this injury.

"What do you want me to wear?"

"Nothing."

"Too bad!" She grabbed a book and got under the covers. I kept staring. All of this felt like a dream and that it could be taken away from me at any second. This intimacy, the casualness that she was treating our space, I held my breath as I walked over to the bed, willing Ha Jin to stay and for this to be real. She glanced up at me, booked marked her book with her right hand and patted the space next to her. When I got under the covers, Ha Jin immediately scooted next to my side, still clutching her book, resting on my shoulders and fixated deep in her story.

"What are you reading?"

"Virginia Woolfe."

"Who is she?"

"A depressed Englishwoman."

"What am I supposed to do? Should I find a book about a depressed Korean? Because right now, that person is me." I nudged her lightly with my shoulder.

"Mm, tell me how much you love me."

"I love you so much that I spent the last ten years dreaming of you, but now I can't even touch you. I'm never going to look at chicken and beer in the same way again?! I'm in a living nightmare."

"Hmm. You look sad." She grinned up at me and turned back to her book.

After a short while, I took her glasses off her face and turned off the bedroom light. There was a still little bit of street light filtering through the bedroom window. I'd have to buy new curtains if the lights kept Ha Jin up, but she already fell asleep, her breathing deep and even. I didn't try to move my arm out from under her. I realized that Ha Jin and I were never going to be a couple who did things in the right order. We had already fallen in love, made love, and had a baby together in our past life. In this life, the jumbled order of things might throw me for a loop, but it was all being present, and just existing. I pulled Ha Jin close and tucked my nose into the nape of her neck. Her smell was all I needed to immediately feel the lull of sleep.

 _I felt a blast of hot metallic air fill my nostrils. I blinked awake and the jungle was on fire. Everything was on fire. Hot, blazing, the sound of gunfire like a round of fireworks was being set off next to me. I glance to my right and I saw Hans's face, bloodied and blank. He was firing a rifle. He was firing at Asad._

 _TO BE CONTINUED..._

 _**author note - Thank you for getting me to 10K views! I've gotten a ton of sweet messages, but don't be the reader who reads 14 chapters and only comment on the last one demanding more! Support your free-entertainment generator, namely me, because I do have a real life outside of writing and writing takes a TON of time! Leave me a comment and I'll answer any questions you may have. Oof, can't wait for you guys to read the next chapter *kekeke*_


	16. Apocalypse Here

**CHAPTER 16 - APOCALYPSE HERE**

I felt a blast of hot metallic air fill my nostrils. I blinked awake and the jungle was on fire. Everything was on fire. I was surprised by the dry heat in the verdant jungle. The huge fronds, which usually caught the rain like a gutter, were set into a soaring flame. Hot, blazing, the sound of gunfire like a round of fireworks was being set off next to me. I glance to my right and I saw Hans' face, bloodied and blank. He was firing a rifle. He was firing at Asad.

"What are you doing?" I grabbed the muzzle of his gun, the hot metal scoring my palm.

"That fucker sold us out."

"No, that's not possible."

"Then, how did they know we were here?" His jaw was clenched so tight he could barely get out the words.

"Stop shooting. They're going to see where we're returning fire." I glanced around the terrain and I saw the Jeep, flipped on its side only a meter away. The gas tank was exposed. I saw the punctured belly of the metal tank, the gas still dripping out like a leaking wound, even though I thought we were out of fuel. We only had maybe a minute before one of the bullets could ignite a stray spark, landing in the gathering pool of fuel. Hans and I would be UN toast.

Max and Gertrude were still trapped behind the abandoned barrack we found earlier. I looked to the right to search for an exit, but another screaming round shot past me. If I could get out of here alive, I would quit this job. I'd stop this nonsense when Ha Jin was waiting for me. I had been in a plane crash, held hostage, faced down the barrel of a dozen shotguns, starved in the jungle for days, I needed to survive because everything I had every wanted in my life was waiting for me in Korea. I was sitting in the dirt, the target of militants and boy soldiers who weren't my enemy. The world was my enemy. I clocked my sidearm, only four bullets left.

"Hans, go to my nine o'clock. I'll cover you. Once you reach the barracks, return fire and cover me."

Hans started a low-profile crawl that was barely visible since we were on higher terrain. I saw the back of his boots dig into the soft ground, flattening his body like a earthworm, clinging to the protection of being out of sight. My finger twitched on the trigger, nerves alive, and I breathed in to steady myself. All I could think about was Ha Jin. I had to win this fight.

"I think that I'm still in love with you, Joon Ki."

We were only fifty clicks away from the Kenya border in the direction where we had been steadily traveling for the last two weeks. Only another two day's journey and we'd would be home free. We could be in an international embassy right now, enjoying modern plumbing and maybe some diplomatic perks, but the difference of fifty kilometers was the difference between being alive and rotting in a jungle. We were so close. I didn't believe Hans. Asad didn't sell us out. There had to be another reason.

I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing my brain to turn its creaky gears. This nightmare didn't feel real, I hadn't slept for weeks and nothing made sense. My brain was trying to grind its way through the logic fog. Was Hans right, did Asad sell us out? Did he agree to this entire mission because he was going to destroy all the international agencies who had failed his country for so long? Maybe he wanted to take the problem out at the root. I had to discard the thought like trash. There was no time. I just had to make it for the next five minutes and then I could worry about the next five.

The six of us who remained alive after the plane crash had calcified into an pitiful group of refugee. It was a miracle we were alive. When the plane took a nosedive, the pilot clearly intended all of us to die with him on a kamikaze mission. Asad unbuckled himself first, his body dropping like a rock in a well towards the front of the plane in freefall.

Asad knocked out the pilot out cold and Hans forced himself into the copilot seat to right the plane. I was ready to disarm or maim the pilot, whatever it took to save us, but I didn't do anything, I could only watch as Hans desperately throttled the engine to give us a little more lift, anything to keep us from crashing.

The engine groaned horribly, smoke filling the windshield. We were like fish trapped in the barrel of the plane. Soon, we couldn't see through the solid grey. The awful pungent smell of jet fuel filled the cabin. Parts of the internal plane mechanism had caught fire. We were in a tin can to hell, flying low, almost next to the treeline. Only a few precious meters spared us from being mush.

All of a sudden, I could hear pounding on the plane, like someone was beating on the sides like a drum. The rhythm was weird, not like anything human. I realized the plane was descending into the the forest, each tree branch pounding out the strange tempo against the plane. The deceleration of plane wasn't slow enough to stop the damage to the wings. We skimmed along the top of the jungle. Tree surfing if I had fanciful outlook. I did not.

My fingers dug into the seat behind Hans, my death grip was no match for the g-force of the crash, I was thrown against the right side of the plane, where I landed on Gertrude, the woman at the front of the plane who I saw earlier, with a stricken expression like dead fish. Instead of pushing me away, Gertrude used her arms and held onto me so that we were the same mass as the metal cabin tore free around us. I could hear sheets of metal disintegrating, the wings being sheared off, the sonic boom of the engines exploding and leaving the body of the aircraft. We kept pushing deeper into the forest. Nature would swallow us, reclaim the metals that were from the earth, absorb the flesh and bones of its people, and leave nothing behind. We would return to ground.

"Oh god. Oh god."

I glanced left and saw a thin scraggly man, with half a pair of glasses on his face. This was Max. I'd get to know him exceptionally well in the next few weeks.

"We're alive." Max threw up immediately into his own lap. The stench didn't hit me until a few seconds later. I swallowed my own acidic vomit that rose as rapidly in my mouth.

It was true. The plane stopped, finally. The tail had completely blown off, half the cabin was missing, along with the people who were sitting near where Asad and I were. The three of us only survived because we tried to reach the front of the plane. Where those tailenders were, the people, where their bodies landed, we had no idea.

"Corporal Han!" I heard Asad calling and looked around in the plane. He wasn't even in the cabin anymore. I saw him waving from the ground. He and Hans made it down to the ground. The fuselage hover only a few meters from the ground, still suspended by a network of vines and branches that slowed our descent.

"My name is Corporal Han. You have to trust me to get out of this plane. We don't have much time." I spoke to the woman I was sitting, hoping that she understood English. She nodded in a daze.

"I'm Max, that's Gertrude. We're coming with you." The thin glasses man seemed to recover much faster than I initially gave him credit for.

As I tried to pull Gertrude up, I could hear screaming from one row back of seats.

"Charlize!" Gertrude snapped out of her daze. She yanked her hand from mine and scrabbled to the next row. I saw her pull out an arm, bloodied, followed by an entire woman. At least she was whole. I didn't know what we could do for anyone who was seriously injured.

"Max, help me." I shouted at Max's departing back.

Lifting the bloodied woman between us, Max and I, Gertrude carried her legs and we dragged her out of the plane.

When my feet hit solid ground, I let go of the woman and sank to my knees, thankful to be alive. I clutched the dirt and rubbed it into my face. I was alive and this dirt was real and smelled like fresh loam. I blinked at the sunlight filtering through the trees and I thought I saw her face again. Ha Jin was waiting for me. Ha Jin loves me. And I made a promise to her. When I closed my eyes. All I could see was her face, lips curling into a smile, saying, "Come back to me."

"Corporal Han." Asad extended a hand to me and I rose to my feet.

"Asad. I think Al-Shabaab is trying to kill us."

"You might be right, Corporal."

"What the actual fuck?" Hans was red in the face, like capillaries were exploding all over. He looked drunk, but I knew we were dry as bone.

I shook wearily. "We should find a way to hide. They can't know that we survived."

"So no one can know we're alive. How the hell do you propose us on getting rescued if no one know we're alive?"

Asad gazed far off. "We walk for Somaliland or for Kenya."

"Somaliland is full of Al-Shabaab sympathizers." I beat out. I glanced over at the plane, it wasn't smoldering. It almost looked like a toy model plane, wrecked by some gigantic owner who didn't like it very much.

"Then Kenya."

"Kenya is two weeks away if we walk. It might be a day away if we found a ride." Asad shook his head. "In two weeks, we're going to be captured. Look at us. Who's going to not be looking for us? Hans is gigantic and blonde. Corporal Joon Ki is Asian. Those women are American."

Gertrude was sitting by Charlize, her friend was still passed out. Hans' face clouded over.

"What are we going to do about her?"

"What are you talking about?" Gertrude's voice sounded as hard as flint.

"She's a liability."

"No, we wait until she wakes up. We have some time."

Asad looked at me surprised.

"Look, the luggage compartment is still intact. Let's find some clean clothes and supplies. It's going to be night fall soon. We should walk a distance from the plane and find shelter in the jungle. But Al-Shabaab thinks we're dead, which buys us a little bit of time."

I walked over to where Charlize laid on the ground.

"Hans, does she have any broken bones? Hemorrhaging?"

Hans held my eyes for a beat. He was doubtful, but he still knelt next to her and checked every limb.

"She must have passed out from shock."

"Alright, I'll carry her for the first hour. Asad the second. Hans, you're the third, so rest up."

I watched as Max, Hans, and Gertrude went through the luggage. There wasn't a huge amount of things worth saving, but some of the electronics could go a long way if we ran into people who wanted to barter. Of course, the best thing would be if we could steal a truck. Asad could drive it without suspicion of being foreigner, and the rest of us non-Somalians could hide safely in the back. He could even pretend to be an Al-Shabaab operative transporting captives if we really needed a cover. But what were the odds of running into a functional truck that we could steal? Not very high.

Hans had a backpack full of food, but mostly expensive things we could trade. Asad grabbed the emergency medical supplies. Max spent most of his time retching at the side of the plane. If he couldn't stomach the food here, he'd probably die. I wasn't optimistic about Max.

I swung Charlize over my shoulders like a sack of potatoes and we all started walking.

Asad was silent as he kept peering around us. He was a city boy like me, I don't know if he really knew the hinterlands anymore than I did.

"Asad, you know where you're going?"

"I used to spend summer out here with my cousins going to university in Garissa, so yeah I know a little bit."

"We're in your hands, Asad."

He nodded, his thin shoulders slumping. It was a lot to put onto him.

"Hans, Asad, Gertrude, Max, I think we should come up with a story why all of us are together. Asad is right. We stick out like a sore thumb."

Gertrude was behind me, feeding a little bit of water to Charlize, who had woken up about forty-five minutes into the journey.

"No one is going to fucking believe anything we tell them." Hans spat out.

"That's fine. As long as they let us pass or think we're harmless." I shifted Charlize on my shoulder. She patted me lightly and gestured for me to let her down.

"Are you really okay to walk?"

"Yes." She had a thick Dutch accent.

"Who are you?"

"I work with Gertrude." She wobbled as she got down from my shoulder but when she steadied herself against Gertrude, she stiffened her spine. "Some business trip huh?"

"You were the head of the blood bank, do you mind if I interview you later?"

She turned to look at Max like he was an alien. His lanky frame swam in his clothes; whoever lent him his clothes sized two sizes too big made him look even more frail. He had managed to tape his glasses back together after the crash and it made him look even more absurd.

"What the hell is this baby doing here? Are you here on a school assignment?"

"No. I'm here embedded with medicins sans frontier and Rolling Stone magazine. I'm here to do some reporting."

"So, what's the story, reporter?" Hans chewed out.

"We're fucked."

We all laughed bitterly, but I couldn't let this morale decrease anymore. If we had to survive this, we needed to be a real team.

"We're all from different places: Somalia, America, Korea, Germany, South Africa, and England, but we're all in this together. Every single one of us knows something the others don't; so yes, our situation is dire, but we're going to be better together than apart. We all have people waiting back home for us. Your goal is to survive another day."

For the first time, I saw Hans sag a little into his chest. He lost his anger. I patted him on the back and he nodded along with me.

"He's right. We need to rest and we need to eat and we need to survive until we reach Kenya."

I doubt a single speech was going to make a difference, but at least Hans, Asad and I were on the same page. Nightfall was coming and we'd have to make camp. I whispered to Asad apart from the others if there were any large predators that we should worry about. He assured me that we were in the wrong terrain for lions or even large cats. I laughed when I realized how ridiculous I was being. Just because we were in Africa didn't mean that we were going to be eaten alive by lions. Non-Africans must be so frustrating to talk to.

Asad shouted suddenly and I swung around to his direction. There was a slumped figure straight ahead on the road. Asad ran ahead of the group to see what it was and he shouted when we got close. It was a girl.

"She's still breathing." Asad shook her slightly and her eyes slowly opened. She looked like a bundle of sticks wrapped in a burlap sack, her feet were ragged. Who knows how long she had been running. Gertrude and Charlize immediately took out several pieces of clothing for the shivering girl and a spare pair of trainers.

Hans grabbed a packet of nut butter out of his back and some water. The woman looked in suspicion between us and Asad, but he nodded and she accepted the food and water. After about half an hour, she finally spoke to Asad.

"She says that she was kidnapped by Boko Haram and returned home but she's been cast out of her village."

"Why would they turn against their own people?" I was surprised. The kidnapped girls had been all over the panafrican news. The international community had been up in arms with social media that even the first lady of the United States brandished the signs #bringourgirlshome. Everyone was on their side, or so I naively believed.

"She's pregnant and the people are afraid that it's a boy. Which means that it's a son of Boko Haram. If they come looking for her, it would be for the baby."

Gertrude quickly grabbed the powdered milk from our rations and mixed it with the water to hand to the girl, who still didn't have a name.

"What's her name?"

"Maryan."

"Maryan, we're going for the Kenya border. If you want, you can travel with us and we will find you a camp."

Asad nodded and Maryan mirrored the gesture back. It would be hard to trust anyone after what she had been through.

The first night, I kept vigil over our group. I was used to not sleeping during watches, so I let the group rest. We had enough food, MREs, and a water cleaning tablets that we would be okay for a week. But after a week, we'd have to make other plans.

The next morning, before the grey dawn broke, I woke up our party and started again. Asad hitched Maryan on his back and Charlize had recovered enough to tail our party. We had to walk. There was no plan except to put one foot in front of the other until we reached Kenya.

After the third day, we realized that the number of people passing us kept increasing. At first, the women wrapped their heads in shirts so they would be less noticeable, but I was afraid that the people passing us would quickly leak our whereabouts to any al-Shabaab spies.

The air grew heavier with moisture and I remembered from the first day of training that Somalia had a monsoon season. Everyone sweated buckets through their clothes. My shirt clung to me, like a membrane that stuck against my skin. We would be washed out of the forest. Asad always talked about the monsoon like it was a disaster you couldn't fathom unless you lived it. Monsoon meant the end of the footpath we were using; the hidden road would become a mud trap, impossible to cross. You would take a step and sink into the wet clay and spend the next few minutes struggling to extract yourself from the air-tight mud. We'd have to seek higher ground to avoid discovery. The environment was turning against us.

"We have to find a vehicle and fast. We're too exposed out here, Asad."

Maryan whispered to Asad and he looked back at her in surprise.

"She says she knows where to steal a truck."

"Where?"

"We can steal a truck from Al-Shabaab."

"That's insane!" Charlize snapped at us. "We're going to go to the same people who are trying to kill us?"

"Charlize. Hear her out." Gertrude looked in wonder at Maryan. "You can trust a pregnant woman. They have something to protect."

Asad shook his head. "What she says makes sense. Almost everyone is too poor to have a large vehicle like a truck unless they're involved with the militants somehow."

Maryan spoke Somali in a high lilting tone, her voice was light and fast.

"She says she wants to live too, and since she can't go home, she's going to try to make it in Kenya too. So she has no reason to lie to us. She says that the man who fathered her child was trying to invade a truck depot that belonged to Al-Shabaab. Boko Haram and Al-Shabaab are at odds this year over a clan dispute."

"Where's the truck depot?"

Asad turned back to Maryan and she pointed in the direction we were going. "It's not far."

"Even if we managed to successfully take on of Al-Shabaab's trucks, there's no telling how fast they can come after us. I don't know, Asad." I glanced at Maryan's face and she frowned like she could read my concerns.

"It's a matter of weighing the consequences." I looked at Charlize, Gertrude and Hans for confirmation. "If we keep walking, there's more chances of us being recognized and Al-Shabaab operatives connecting the dots between the plane crash and the our group. If we go the route if stealing a truck from them, we could be immediately recognized and killed. But we might get enough time to get to the border."

"Die now, or die later?" Charlize raised an eyebrow.

"Kinda." Hans nodded in agreement.

"Asad, if this plan is to work, there's almost no way that Joon Ki and I could help you. We're too obvious as outsiders."

Maryan coughed violently and pointed to her stomach.

"What's she saying?"

"She's saying that she can enter the depot by using her child's father's name. They'll want to know where he is and if she gives up his name, we could infiltrate."

"No." I shook my head. "That's way too dangerous. If they decide that she's a traitor, they could take her prisoner again. Or worse."

"Then it's me." Asad locked eyes with me.

"We can't let you go alone."

"No. It has to be me. I'm the only one who can blend. I'm the only one who can take the chance."

"Dude, don't be a hero." Max chimed in. "Let me come with you. These people love attention and I still have my camera. You be my fixer. Tell them that I hired you to see what the real Al-Shabaab is like on the inside. Tell them I'm from BBC. Whatever."

"That could work." I was surprised, I didn't think Max had in him. "But do either of you know how to steal a car?"

"I do." Max wiped his glasses. "I've been on four embeds in the Middle East in the last two years. Hotwiring is how I've been able to get away from way too many close calls. I've stolen everything from a Jeep to a rotting tank."

"Asad, does Maryan know what the layout of the truck depot is? Did the Boko Haram guy tell her anything?"

Asad spoke rapidly and Maryan got down from his back stood in the mud. She smoothed over a patch and quickly made a few lines that demarcated exactly where everything was. Maryan had great spatial memory, I was sorry that I couldn't speak with her directly.

"We're how far away?"

"About two hours."

"Then this. Asad, you make first contact and assess the situation and report back. Max, we'll outfit you so you look like a world-class journalist they won't have to be afraid of. We regroup after you gather intel."

After we reached the outskirts of the Al-Shabaab compound, I was nervous about being spotted so we took the long way back. Before Asad set off, I gave him a firm handshake.

"You can do this Asad."

He looked down and didn't return my shake. On his way out of the forest, he raised his fist and shouted " _hapsida_!" I laughed out loud. No one else in the group understood. Asad was speaking Korean. Hwa-Shin and I taught him a few words and he always repeated them carefully back at us.

The hours waiting for Asad were agonizing. I would feel so much better if I were within eyeshot and could observe what was happening. Sending my interpreter out alone felt like a suicide mission. But at the same time, there was no one in our party that could both be undercover and gather reconnaissance.

Maryan sat on the ground between Gertrude and Charlize who both decided treat the mother with some additional medical attention. Once Gertrude and Charlize had an objective, they relaxed into the activity. Hans and Max went to look for water and I was left with the women, my hand casually resting on my sidearm, taking surveillance of our camp. I walked a distance away but I was still within earshot.

"Charlize, how did you learn to sew up a wound like that?" Gertrude was asking.

"You don't become a relief worker and not know how to do some basic medic stuff." Charlize shrugged. "You know, Joon Ki. Of all the assholes who were on the plane to the conference, I'm glad I'm with you people."

She finished her neat sutures and wrapped a clean bandage around Maryan's upper arm, which had a nasty gash that had been bleeding for days. Maryan winced but relaxed her shoulders when Charlize gave her a pain-killer.

"You don't seem to think much of the other aide organizations." I glanced back at Charlize.

She shrugged and packed away the first aid kit. "Listen, if money could solve the problem in Africa, we would have solved in fifty years ago. Clearly it's not about money. Like you, why the hell would Korea send one of its army Corporals to here?"

"We're part of the UN."

"Yes, but why here. Why not, say, Sri Lanka, which is way closer to Korea." Charlize glanced in the direction that Hans and Max left in. "Everyone has a reason to be here. And it's not all altruistic. I'm gonna pretend my reason is. The moment you start thinking of yourself as some angel here to save the poor people is the moment you lose sight of reality and then you might as well be dead. Like Maryan here. I stitched her up. But it's because I think she'll help me down the line. She's the only other Somalian here."

"Why are you saying all this?"

"I don't want to get mistake for someone who won't do what it takes." Charlize clocked my expression. "Whatever needs to get done, I will see it through."

Max and Hans made it back with fresh canteens of water and we settled in the for the night. Listening closely for any signs of Asad. I wondered if we would have to wait for news until morning, but Asad stumbled back during the witching hour.

"There are four Jeeps that are being repaired on the yard right now. I know one is headed out of the territory to go on a delivery mission to Mogadishu. We ambush that Jeep three kilometers away from the camp and we drive for Kenya."

He looked fine, a little shaken.

"You did good, Asad."

In the early dawn, the six of us made it to the edge of the road, our bodies flush against the raised gradient of the road so that passengers couldn't see us unless they were in an especially tall vehicle. After two hours, the Jeep that Asad had promised started heading down the road. Hans and I both had our handguns ready by the side of the road.

"If we don't kill anyone, that would be the best."

Asad nodded, but I knew that like Charlize, I would do what it takes to get out of here. Praying my hands wouldn't shake, I fire two shots at the windshield of the Jeep before the Jeep slowed down. I wasn't aiming for a kill, but I knew I shot close enough to the steering wheel that whoever was driving would have to stop.

Shouting at the open driver's side window, Asad shouted "Get out of the vehicle."

I fired another warning shot. This time the door opened. I kept my gun pointed at the figure coming out and stalked towards the Jeep. The driver, who must have only been eighteen or nineteen, stepped out of the Jeep and kneeled on the ground, closing his eyes.

"Everyone get in!" Asad gave the signal and the rest of them scrambled over the embankment towards the waiting car.

Maryan quickly got into the Jeep and hid in the back. The driver shouted at Asad; the volume they were using was ear splitting. My aim never wavered from the the driver, but he didn't seem to care that he had a weapon pointed at him. They went on for minutes. I was dreading this. I didn't want to kill the driver but if Asad didn't negotiate something, we'd have very few options left. If we let him go, he could easily run back to camp to inform Al-Shabaab. Suddenly, the driver nodded along with what Asad was saying. Asad took one of the ipads out of the knapsack and handed it to the young boy, who grinned at the shiny black glass. He got into the open back of the Jeep and barely gave us another glance. I was astonished, did Asad just negotiate us to have a stowaway?

The six of us piled into the Jeep, the women hiding below passenger level. Hans wound a head scarf around his face and rubbed mud around his skin so he wouldn't be so conscientiously white. I did the same, wrapping the same scarves around my head so only my eyes showed.

"What did you say to him?"

"I said that we were gonna take him to the Kenya border where he could trade that iPad for two hundred dollars. It's more money than he's ever seen in a month. So he's going to take a break from Al-Shabaab; the pay is terrible and the food is bad. He's happy with his payment."

I shook my head in amazement.

Asad sped along the road, eventually getting us to the main freeway that connects the artery cities of Somalia. We were only two hours from the border. I could almost taste our freedom. I glanced back at the driver we carjacked, and he seemed to be happy enough with a game of Candy Crush.

It would be the last time that the six of us were together.

I glanced at Gertrude, Charlize and Maryan, crammed uncomfortably on top of each other. Charlize had her eyes closed and Maryan was stroking her more visible stomach. I watched as the landscape flew by in a blur. The Jeep ate up the miles; on foot, we were slow targets, but at least in the stolen Jeep we looked like a part of the Somali landscape, especially with Asad's erratic driving, which seemed standard for Al-Shabaab militants.

"Shit."

I turned towards to Asad and saw the gas empty light flashing on the dashboard.

"Where are we going to get gas?"

"Not a lot of Shell stations on this road." Hans drawled out.

"I could steal some gas. We passed by some parked cars on the way back there."

I looked in surprise at Max, he was proving to be much more helpful than I thought.

"No, we can't turn back. We've got what? At least twenty kilometers left after the light turns on. We drive until we're running fumes. Walking twenty kilometers would take us more than a day."

Hans turned to look at me, he was as frustrated as I was.

"How far are we from the border?"

"Fifty kilometer. Damnit! We're only an hour away."

The entire car held tense as the Jeep kept going. The engine was already sputtering. The gas needled dipped and every time it lowered slightly, I heard Max grunt in frustration. Charlize and Gertrude gripped each other's hands and Hans was staring far off, trying not to look at our dwindling fuel supplies. As the needle sank, I felt like we all sank a little lower in spirit. Eventually, the needle stopped and the wheels groaned to a finish. We were done.

"Get out! Everyone get out!"

Each member of my group ducked into the grove of trees when suddenly, I heard machine fire. Dropping to the lowest point in the terrain, I tried to make my head as low as possible. How I wished for my kevlar outfit in this moment. I was rarely without it in Somalia, but I didn't bring the bulletproof gear for this peace conference. I spotted a ravine close to the road so I rolled down hill until I landed at the bottom. I crawled along the filthy stream until the gunfire became distant.

From far left field, I spotted a movement in the tall grass. My fingers kissed the trigger of my gun, but I gave myself a moment to breath before taking the shot. I looked at the human figure collapsed ahead, bits of blonde hair spilled out from a head wrap. Oh no.

As quickly as I could, I kept low to the ground and got to her side. Charlize was bleeding out, one of the machine gun bullets caught her near her stomach.

"Hey. You're okay." I grabbed the medical kit from her bag and found the bandages and pressed it firmly on her wound.

"Bullshit." She was gagging now, her breathing rattling in her chest. "You need to get out."

"I'm not going to leave. Just be quiet and wait." I whispered fiercely. We were still hidden in the tall grass. Maybe there was a way I could drag her towards the others.

"Get the fuck away from me or I'll start screaming." She opened her mouth and nothing came out. I shook my head and kept the bandage tight, the blood blooming a dark rose against the white cotton. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and when I opened them again, an eternity had passed. Charlize was dead.

"Fuck!"

I couldn't cover her body. I couldn't do anything for her. My legs carried me before I could really process. Adrenaline tore through my veins and my lungs were burning with the rapid intake of oxygen. I was cold all over. The machine guns were far away now. I could run. I saw them, Maryan in tow.

"Where's Charlize?"

I stopped in front of Gertrude and shook my head.

"No."

"We have to run. They tailed us somehow. That kid that was driving the Jeep with us is already dead."

Gertrude's stony face was only broken by her mouth, which quivered like a dying fish. I stared straight ahead, trying to move past this moment. There was no time. There was only forward.

"There's barracks here." Max's voice was clear, directing. "Let's use them. We need to be out of the open." I followed his back towards the low lying structure. It felt alien to be contained within four walls when we had been sleeping out for days. There was protection, but now I felt blind.

Hans paced around the barrack and stubbed his toe on a raised plank. He peered down at a hatch on the floor of the bunker.

"I think there's a tunnel here." Asad helped him yank open the door and they both peered into the darkness.

One by one, we descended into the coal-blackness. I did one last sweep of the barracks to make sure there was no trace of us anywhere. When I closed the hatch door, it was total blackness. The kind of darkness beyond time and reason. I don't know how long we stayed down in the tunnel. It felt like days, but could have been hours.

Silence hung in the air, like survivor's guilt.

"It should have been me." Gertrude suddenly sobbed. "I fell and she dragged me up. When I looked back, that's when she got shot but she made me run ahead."

"She said she would do whatever it takes." I don't know if what I said was reassuring or just hurtful.

"Damnit, I really didn't like her. She was okay at her job, but sometimes she was so obsessed with getting ahead that I thought she was doing it for all the wrong reasons. But now-" Gertrude's voice trailed off.

"What now?" I could hear Max's thin reedy voice.

"We wait."

"We wait until we're sure whoever is on our trail is gone." I affirmed with Hans.

"It's all my fault." I heard Asad clear his throat. "I didn't gather enough intelligence. As soon as I heard the Jeep was free I came running back. I should have stayed longer to get more information."

It was easy to forget how young Asad was because he was so quiet and only talked when necessary.

"You could have been captured if you had stayed any longer Asad. This is no one's fault. This was the risk we all decided to take when we agreed to steal the Jeep."

My stomach churned when I remember Charlize's eyes, open to the same sky blue as her irises. She wanted to live. We all wanted to live. I was grateful for the darkness, I didn't want anyone to see the painful twists on my face. I closed my eyes.

I felt a blast of hot metallic air fill my nostrils. I blinked awake and the jungle was on fire. Everything was on fire. I was surprised by the dry heat in the verdant jungle. The huge fronds, which usually caught the rain like a gutter, were set into a soaring flame. Hot, blazing, the sound of gunfire like a round of fireworks was being set off next to me. I glance to my right and I saw Hans' face, bloodied and blank. He was firing a rifle. He was firing at Asad.

"What are you doing?" I grabbed the muzzle of his gun, the hot metal scoring my palm.

"That fucker sold us out."

"No, Hans! No!"

I felt the butt of a rifle sink into the base of my neck and everything went black. In the velvety blackness there was nothing. I let go. I would die. I had lost it all again. I was so close to Ha Jin, but she slipped through my fingers. I reached my hands out in the void. I could hear a faint voice, it sounded like her, but it was impossible. After a few more moments, I realized that it was. It was Ha Jin. Her voice was like a light rope, wrapped around me, pulling me towards her, like I was in a boat. I heard her sing the words 'chingu' and I realized it was the song she say at Wang So's birthday. The song that made me fall in love with her. The song grew louder and louder. Suddenly, I felt wetness on my face. I didn't know how I could feel such a thing if I were unconscious.

"Please wake up Joon Ki." Her voice. How?

"Joon Ki, open your eyes." I thought my eyes were open already. I tried. I was in the tunnel in Africa. If I opened my eyes, there would be only more darkness. Nothing. Ha Jin, you're wrong. You're not here in Somalia. Her voice was so close by, the vibrato of her lips by my ears. I could feel her breath. I was going mad.

I squeezed all of my energy together and felt my face in pain, but my eyelids, they were finally opening. I sat up suddenly, I wasn't in Somalia. I was in my own bed. Ha Jin.

I was completely covered in sweat. The wetness I was feeling on my face, they were Ha Jin's tears. I looked around the room, still adjusting to the shock, my sightline darting from the ceiling to the bed and then back to Ha Jin. Her small hands clutched around mine. Her eyes were red.

"Ha Jin." I reached up and touched her face.

"Joon Ki, I'm here." She kissed my hand and held it against her face. "I'm so sorry. I'm here. I'll never leave you alone again."

"I'm back." I repeated to myself again. Sometimes, it was hard to remember that I was truly back. During the day, when I had lost myself in the happiness of being with Ha Jin, I could forget Africa. I could forget everyone I had left there. But at night, there were no barriers. My mind strayed and wandered back.

I got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom. My brain was on fire; reenacting the horrors that I was trying to run away from. I had only begun to scratch the surface. I wondered if my life were doomed like this, because of the way I collected memories from my past lives, I was also cursed to live my current horrors again and again.

The hot shower water turned cold and I started shivering until Ha Jin came in. She turned off the water and wrapped me in a towel and led me back to the bed. She didn't say a word, instead she kept singing the birthday song for Eun under her breath. I latched onto each word of the song, remember Hae Su, remembering Goryeo. My life was so long and so empty without Ha Jin. My teeth were chattering and her face came in and out of focus like my eyes were adjusting to this world. I squinted at her, urging my eyes to see.

She was in front of me now, the person I had been seeking for all those lifetimes and my words died on my tongue. I frowned, mouth open and useless. Her eyes were soft. She wasn't looking at my face, she focused on her task. She dried off my hair and pulled me into her arms. I could listen to the even breathing of her chest.

"You're safe Joon Ki. You're with me. I won't let anything happen to you."

"Ha Jin." My voice caught. I couldn't tell her everything. I was still mourning the dead.

"Joon Ki, you're in Korea. You're safe."

"I'm in Korea and I'm safe." I said in wonder.

She waited until I got into bed and she laid next to me. Observing me carefully, she slowly traced my face and peered into my eyes.

"You are not in Africa anymore, Joon Ki." She held my hand. "Do you understand? I won't leave."

I nodded, letting this new reality sink in.

"Joon Ki, I don't want you make you think that you have to tell me everything. I know that you said that there are certain things you can't say because it would put me in danger. But leave out all the details, names, whatever, you can tell me."

I wrapped myself around Ha Jin's small body, just having her close was like a salvation. She was everything I wanted and I still felt lost.

"If you don't to talk, that's fine too." She kissed me on the face, along the scar. I felt the tingling of emotions that always lived there, I suppose Wang So and I shared a few things.

I wanted to lose myself in Ha Jin, her face, her voice, and her skin and her mouth and her touch were suppose to be refuge for me. She was my harbor, my north star in Africa. All I've wanted in Somalia was to return to her, but now that I was back, I was rotten with the past. I wanted to forget it all in Africa. But my mind was traitorous. I hadn't made the break. And in truth, I didn't know how.

I don't know how she made it through the next few weeks of staying with me. I slept only two or three hours a night before my episodes would start with renewed vigor. We had an awful ritual, I wake up in terror, Ha Jin held me down so I wouldn't injure myself and then she would sing to me until the early morning.

She was on the phone with her assistant while I laid in bed, my eyes dry and open, my burden of memories heavy on my chest, threatening to ruin us both. One of these terrible mornings, I noticed that Ha Jin's eyes had huge dark circles from not sleeping. I didn't know what to do. I loved her so much and I couldn't live without her, but my mind was torturing the both of us. I was hurting her.

When she hung up, I took the phone from her and kissed her lightly on the forehead. She smiled back at me, dazzling and bright.

"Ha Jin." I shook. "I think you should move out."

"What?"

I cradled her face in my hand.

"This is bad. For both of us. I'm not well."

Ha Jin shook her head and pressed into my chest.

"I promised I would never leave you. That doesn't change because you have PTSD."

"Look at you Ha Jin, you haven't slept in weeks."

"I have coffee." She took a sip from the mug on the counter and her hand slipped at the last minute. The ceramic shards flew everywhere. I saw the brown liquid splattering on the floor in slow motion, a concentric brown liquid crown exploding. In an instant, I saw the problem.

Ha Jin quickly got down to clean up the mess.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm taking care of you."

She looked back up and I saw trickle of blood running between her knuckles. She was so fatigued that she didn't even know she was bleeding.

"I'm ruining us." I winced. I couldn't believe I saying these words to her. "I don't know what I need. I think having you here is making it worse."

"No, Joon Ki. Please don't push me away." She stood up suddenly. I grabbed her hand and carefully used my shirt sleeve to wipe away the blood. It was a small cut and Ha Jin didn't even notice. Instead, her grip around my waist grew tighter. "Please."

"Ha Jin, stop it!" I yanked her arms from my side. "Why won't you just listen to me?! I can't be around you right now. I can't. Please go. Leave."

"Why won't you just let me be here? If you think it's bad for me to see you like this, imagine how it felt for me when I didn't know what happened to you? When you were lost, I lived the same nightmare, that you were gone. That was hell, Joon Ki. Every minute I didn't know if you were alive. And that's worse than anything happening right now!" She took a deep shuddering breath. "Don't you dare push me away, Joon Ki. I choose to be here. I want to be here. Don't take away that choice from me!"

"What if I'm not the same man, Ha Jin? What if I'm never the Joon Ki you met before I left for Somalia? You always said that you didn't like people who changed."

I leaned my frame against the door. I was so tired.

Ha Jin's mouth opened and closed. She didn't know what to say. I knew it. She was so stubborn, but she loved a certain man and I just didn't know if that man was me anymore.

"Please go, Ha Jin. I'm tired. I need to rest."

"This conversation isn't over, Joon Ki." Ha Jin grounded her teeth together and grabbed her bag. I didn't look at her departing back as I heard the door open again. I couldn't bring myself to watch her leave.

"Oh!" I heard Ha Jin gasp.

Jin Jeong was standing in the doorway, her eyes bloodshot and her normally coiffed hair pressed askew. She looked at the both of us in the doorway numbly and passed by Ha Jin like a the walking dead. She set her purse down on the counter, her boots crunching into the remainder of the mug.

"Omoni?"

"It's Seung Won. He's been held for ransom."

 _To be Continued..._

 _**author note: Thanks for continuing to follow this story, readers! I noticed that I passed 1K views in less than a week when I updated last chapter. I'm so happy that you're enjoying the journey. Some of you might know that the US is going through some rough times. If you like my work, please consider donating to the ACLU to advocate for civil rights. I don't really need money, but I'd love to see if my efforts can do some good in the world._ _donate-aclu_


	17. Whose Son - Part I

**Chapter 17 - Whose Son: Part I**

 _Previously: Joon Ki's PTSD and insomnia has proven too much for our young couple to handle. While he tried kick Ha Jin out of his home, his mother, Jin-Jeong comes with the terrible news that Seung Won has disappeared._

The three of us sat in silence at Joon Ki's kitchen table, the tea cooling into the temperature of the conversation. I glanced at Joon Ki, watching his jaw line clench and unclench. My hearing faded and in out. I barely caught what Jin-Jeong was saying, she seemed to be parsing out information like she was being cross examined. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I felt like I was in the middle of another Han family minefield. The first time was when I was in the crosshairs of their family's row during Seung Won's birthday when he declared that he was working for the CCEJ in the middle of his mother's mayoral campaign. Even then, I was worried about how much I could handle between all of the Hans. They were all so individualistic and headstrong, with the courage of their conviction, or corruption behind them. Joon Ki had warned me then that the Hans were not a happy family. I held my breath in, shallow, and waited for a sign from him.

He was pushing me away again. Joon Ki was in the middle of kicking me out of his apartment because he thought that he was torturing me with his illness. I was determined to hold on. Hae Su had waited for Wang So for years while he was exiled by Yo; what was a few sleepless weeks when I knew Joon Ki was alive? What would it take for Joon Ki to trust me? What did I have to do? I was so worried about him. Those weeks of insomnia, where I had to watch him thrash around in his ordeal made me feel useless. In the few hours where I could calm him down enough so that he went into a fitful sleeping state, I went on my phone to read about post traumatic stress disorder.

I wasn't going to do any better than professional help, but I didn't want to make anything worse. I had a plan in my mind. I was going to gradually introduce the idea of therapy to Joon Ki over the next few weeks; I wanted to lead him to the idea, so that it felt like a revelation instead of me forcing a solution, but from what I saw in the Han family, secrets and denial seemed to be emblazoned their family crest. Sometimes, when he shouted for me in the middle of the night, I tried talking to him; trying to parse out his half-finished thoughts and frantic words. He was usually in REM sleep which meant that he was already deep in his nightmare. I could hear the panic in his voice; I was inept in the face of this. But most of the time, it was the people he was imprisoned with in Africa who he called out for. I had a patchwork understanding of what had happened. I knew their names. Hans, Asad, Charlize, Gertrude, Max, Maryan. He said their names over and over again. He would have feverish conversation with Asad that continued late into the morning. He seemed most worried about Asad. Charlize sounded like a woman that Joon Ki grieved over. I didn't understand. It didn't sound like a romantic love, but he often cried when he saying her name. I had to push jealousy away; I wasn't the center of his nightmare.

I thought about my conversations with Seung Won the weeks before Joon Ki was found. Those months that he was missing, I buried myself in my work and the probability of finding him. I was in this suspended state of hell, when I couldn't live or die. I remembered praying to have him back. I hired people. Seung Won once frowned when I got off the phone with another para-military contractor, recommending by Hwan-Shin, known for extracting people.

"Noona. I know you have the resources to spend, but is it wise to give money to these people that Joon Ki would be wary about working with? Some of these mercenaries take money from anyone, and who knows where that money goes to at the end?"

"I don't care. If they find him, that's all I care about." I barely glanced up from my desk to see Seung Won with his arms folded across his chest. We were together all the time now, but I found myself irritated whenever Seung Won questioned me. I could feel the days slipping by, each passing twenty four hours wore away at me. I was hanging onto a ledge of hope and I could feel myself slipping off.

"There always a price, a hidden price." Seung Won frowned. Sometimes I forgot, that despite Seung Won's youth, he was smarter and more experienced in this world than I was. He grew up with Joon Ki's missions and General Hans' mysterious command. He could read between the lines and I barely got the glossary right.

"Wouldn't you do anything to have Joon Ki back?"

"I would." He sighed. "I would do anything."

I looked back, in the present, at Joon Ki, slowly tapping his empty tea cup to a steady rhythm. He was thinking and I knew without a shadow of doubt, that Joon Ki would do the same for Seung Won that his little brother would for him.

"He's been in Busan for a month." She gritted her teeth.

"Yeh, I know." Joon Ki was studying his mother. "When did the Song group interfere? Did he make contact with Uncle?"

"I don't know." Jin-Jeong looked distraught, she slumped against the chair, her eyes bloodshot and her lipstick barely clinging on. She was so different from the proud woman I saw on the news. Jin-Jeong always wore primary colors to catch the camera, but now her bright blue suit seemed at odds with her face, sagging with incomprehension. She was in shock. My eyes shifted between them. Joon Ki lost his emotions. This must be how Joon Ki was when he's on a mission; detached, calculating; almost inhuman. I let my hand fall below the table and I squeezed his knee. He didn't react.

"I don't believe my brother, your uncle would ever be capable of something like this. Seung Won is my son!"

"I need to speak with them. I'm going to call Father for help."

"Why do you suspect the Song Machine group right away? What about all these hooligans that Seung Won's been running with? Those group of left-wing radicals? They've always been so dangerous. They probably took him to make a point. You don't suspect them?"

"I have no reason to suspect them. Seung Won went to Busan to unionize the machine workers, which directly hurts the Song group. Of course, they were going to lash out at him, no matter who he was. I thought he would be safe because of Uncle, but I don't think that's the case anymore." He stopped tapping his tea cup.

Jin-Jeong's had a sharp intake of breath and she wheezed.

"What are we waiting for? You already got the notice you'd get his ransom notice. His disappearance is only forty-eight hours old. Involving the police at this point is unwise; we can't have the Seoul Metropolitan police be involved in Busan, it's a conflict of interest. Abeoji would not like it." Joon Ki taped the edge of his tea cup and leveled a gaze at Jin-Jeon. "And what about the press?"

"What about the press?"

"Tell me you didn't already talk to your MBC contact? If I see a hair of this on any news outlet, you will regret it, Omoni."

She stood up from the table.

"Watch your mouth, Joon Ki. You and I might disagree on how we do things, but I'm still your mother. And how dare you insinuate that I would use this incident to further my campaign!"

"What's different from the time I was shot during the Presidential motorcade? Didn't you use my injury then to martyr yourself as the mother of Korean soldiers? You were on every single nightly talk show. How many points in approval did you get from my shooting? Two? Maybe four?"

She sagged into her chest; I don't think I felt bad for her, but I felt a twinge of the human sympathy I had for her situation. Here Jin-Jeong was desperate and afraid for her youngest son, and her second son was shredding her to pieces.

"Joon-Ki." I murmured softly.

"Don't get involved, Ha-Jin."

I shrank back. I hadn't see this side of Joon Ki before and it was ugly. There were hints of it throughout his interactions with Jin-Jeong. At Seung-Won's birthday party, when his eyes were as hard as they were now. His face drawn into a tight smile I had only seen when Gwangjong was at his worst. My heart started pounding and I felt my face flush with blood. No matter how angry Joon Ki had been with Jin-Jeong in the past, it was wrong to kick her when she was down like this. I didn't know how to handle Joon Ki when he was as cold as a kitchen knife.

"The ransom note. We're just waiting on a ransom note." Her hands shook but suddenly, her head snapped back. "What did you expect when Seung Won decided to go to Busan? You should have done everything in your power to stop him. I trusted you to take care of him. Do you even love your brother? If I knew about his plans at all I would have thrown my body in front of his train."

"Jin-Jeong." I was going to keep quiet, but I couldn't any longer. "It was my fault. I encouraged Seung Won to go to Busan. Joon-Ki wanted to stop him, but it was me. I congratulated him and said that he was doing something right for the world. If you're going to blame anyone, blame me, not Joon Ki."

"What?"

"It was me. Blame me."

"Who are you to interfere in our life like this? Who are you to put my son's life in danger?! How dare you do this to us, you stupid girl!"

Jin-Jeong had a target for her anger, and I was looking down the barrel at her fury. I steadied myself as I remember how violent Queen Yoo's outbursts were. I was just glad that it wasn't more vitriol directed at Joon Ki.

"Get out!" She grabbed my wrist and I winced at the intense pressure she was using on me Before Joon Ki could move, General Han strode into the kitchen and shouted.

"Jin-Jeong-Ah!"

Jin-Jeong staggered back in shock at her husband's entrance. I rubbed the point where she gripped me and Joon Ki immediately used his body to block her from me. He was furious and examined my arm, his brow furrowing and his jaw set tight. I shook my head when I caught his ice cold glance. I didn't want revenge, I knew what Jin-Jeong was going through. I, too, would do anything to protect my child.

"This is a family matter." General Han's voice was crisp. "I appreciate you taking care of Han Joon Ki, but Go Ha Jin, I think it is best of you leave."

"No, she stays."

I looked up at Joon Ki, surprised. He gripped my hand tighter than ever.

"Joon Ki." General Han stiffened. "You're forgetting protocol. There are things that we need to discuss that civilians cannot hear. Jin-Jeong, you too. Leave."

I glanced over at Jin-Jeong, who was shaking with anger.

"Yah! You're going too far. I am Seung Won's mother and I have a right to know what's happening. You can't keep me in the dark."

"Jin-Jeong. We'll take care of it. You are making matters worse with these emotional outbursts. Go home. You're not helping anyone by bullying Joon Ki's girlfriend."

"What if he's been beaten? What if he needs medical attention. I should be there! I'm his mother!"

"Omoni." Joon Ki took a softer stance. At her mention of Seung-Wons' welfare, he seemed to have remember the true nature of this turmoil: it was his brother's life at stake. "Please, I will drop you and Ha Jin off at home. You'll have to let Abeoji and I do our jobs. He's right, we can't have civilians be involved. Please, just let us work."

"Quiet." The General's voice was barely a whisper, his hands were steady as he turned on the screen of his cellphone.

I felt myself being tugged along with Joon Ki towards where the General stood. I felt the dread creep up along my spine. I could see the glossy screen in the his hands and in the moments before the playback, I cringed from what my imagination wrought. Seung Won had to be safe and whole. He had to be.

I was digesting all of this as fast as I could, but the news was still incomprehensible to me. Seung Won might be in mortal danger and it made me nauseous. Did I do this? When I confessed to Jin-Jeong that I had encouraged Seung Won, that I had made it easier for him to leave for Busan, I was the guilty one. My shoulders held stiff and my head weighed a ton; tears burning behind my eyes, I would never forgive myself if anything happened to Seung Won. The realization of Joon Ki's very real fear and anger during our first fight began to be crystal clear. He was right, I didn't have the full picture of their family. I had no idea how deep the Hans were rooted in their power struggle and I barely knew anything about the Songs. If the Songs were really that powerful, to be as bold to touch General Han's son, then what was to stop them from hurting Joon Ki, or anyone else? The pit of my stomach felt like it was full of icicles. Otoke. What had I done?

"The ransom video is here."

It was a low-res video of Seung Won, sitting on a metal folding chair, with his face bruised into multiple purple contusions. His surroundings were nondescript. There was no way to tell where he was. His kidnappers were at least that smart. He wore a sign around his neck that said "chaebol pig." My hands flew to my mouth. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut and turn away but when I caught Joon Ki's eyes, I realize I could not hide from reality. He was facing it and so I had to, with him.

"That's his people! He was betrayed by his own people!' Jin-Jeong shrieked and pointed her fingers at the screen. "Those bastards. I'll kill them all. I told him not to get involved with that group of-of terrorists!"

The video kept going. I felt the dryness in my eyes, but I still couldn't blink. My heart sank. This was proof positive that Seung Won was in danger. Joon Ki's hand in mine was tighter than ever. The grainy footage flickered in and out, and I barely heard the painful groaning through the video.

A man in a ski-mask held a sign up to the camera.

"Allow the Song Machine Workers to unionize and you will get your chaebol pig son back." Joon Ki read out the sign, his voice dead and without infliction. He released me and went to his desk and quickly started scribbling in his notebook.

He started conferring with General Han quietly and I sat down, shocked by what I had seen. How could this happen to Seung Won? My sweet friend, who made Nam Gil feel like a regular kid instead of an outcast, who wanted nothing than to make some good in the world, who moonwalked like he was the second incarnation of Michael Jackson. I felt pinned to the chair, my jaw was slack as I stared at Joon Ki moving swiftly, decisively.

This wasn't suppose to be the way this world worked. Goryeo was cruel and ruthless and people's lives were often the price paid for political maneuvers. But I came back 1000 years later, believing in the progress, that we as modern people were less horrible. I buried my head in my hands, one thousand years later and we were no better than our so-called bloody ancestors. People were still the same: selfish cruelty, struggling for the same scraps, using each other as pawns. I felt a sharp pain in my sinuses and suddenly, I saw drops of blood dripping onto the kitchen table. I hastily wiped the blood away and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I had a nosebleed.

I stared in the mirror. This was too much. First Joon Ki's PTSD and now Seung Won's kidnapping. I was barely holding on. I tipped my head back, willing the bleeding to stop. I had to be there for Joon Ki, I had to be stronger than how I felt.

I sat on the toilet lid and waited for my breathing to calm; to slow down into some semblance of normalcy. I heard a soft tapping on the bathroom door.

"Ha Jin. It's Joon Ki. Can I come in?"

I reached to open the door and Joon Ki glanced down at me, my nose plugged up with toilet paper. His face cracked sideways, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"What's this?"

"Nothing, sometimes I get nosebleeds."

He shut the door behind him and sank to his knees. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his head into my stomach. I could feel him take a huge intake of breath.

"Ha Jin." He glanced up at me as I cleared my nose, the bleeding stopped. "I need you."

I ran my fingers through his hair and I held his face in my hands. Leaning down, I pressed my mouth against his. As light as air. He trembled slightly. I could feel how tightly wound he was, his shoulders felt like rocks pushed together. This whole morning was pure hell for the both of us.

"I have to go back." He murmured after a few seconds.

"I'll be out in a minute." He nodded and stepped out.

When I finally emerged from the bathroom, Joon Ki was already back in uniform. His beret sat confidently, low over the right side of his head. I had only seen him uniform in his selcas, now it was in front of me. I sucked in a breath. Watching my boyfriend transform into the fierce soldier I knew him to be capable of, was still a strange thing. I wasn't a real gomusin, not at all. He and General Han were looking at a laptop on the table; one of the chunky ones for outdoor use that looked like a few cinder blocks cobbled together. I heard latitudes and longitudes, but nothing that made sense to a civilian. Jin-Jeong was pacing, not paying attention to anyone.

"Are you going to question Jin-Young?" She suddenly demanded.

"Yes, he's the mayor of Busan. He would have the most contacts." Joon Ki kept his voice neutral for his mother.

"You're going to drag his name through the mud?"

General Han glanced at Joon Ki, who shook his head almost imperceptibly, but I caught it.

"Omoni, we will not do anything to smear the Song name unless they're culpable."

"Joon Ki, I need you to find the last whereabouts of all the Song chaebol retreats. Then you can start with Jin-Young's assistant and figure out their alibis for the time of Seung Won's disappearance."

"Yeh, Abeoji."

"I'm having you picked up in twenty-five minutes and I will leave here in an hour to meet with the commander at the base." General Han glanced at his son. "You can handle Jin Young?"

"Why are you setting your dog on Jin Young?"

I tensed up as soon as Jin-Jeong used the word dog to describe Joon Ki. I understood being irrational during this time, but she was so mindlessly cruel. I tried to walk towards him, but my feet were locked to the ground.

"Quiet, Jin-Jeong." The General didn't even bother to look at her.

"Yah! You don't think I know about Joon Ki's reputation. What is he going to do to Jin-Young?!" She got in front of Joon Ki's face and stabbed her finger in his chest. "You harm one hair on Jin-Young's head-."

"Joon Ki will do his job. Stop bothering him."

"Why do you trust Joon Ki so much? Don't you care about what will happen to Jin-Young. This one isn't even your son!"

The air in the room dropped fifty degrees as every single person froze. I felt the blood pressure pounding in my head and I clutched my chest. What was Jin-Jeong saying? Surely, she didn't mean-she was lying, she had to be. How could any mother keep this kind of lie?

"Shut up, Jin-Jeong. You are being reckless right now." General Han's voice was low and dangerous. This was the first time I saw his true anger; General Han was livid, bright red spots started appearing on his neck and face.

My mouth was dry as I gaze shifted over to Joon Ki.

"What did you say, Omoni?"

"You're not his son."

"Stop it, Jin-Jeong." General Han only got quieter as he grew more angry.

"I am not Abeoji's son?" Joon Ki's voice was barely audible.

 _TO BE CONTINUED..._

 _**author note: And I'm back with my cliffhangers! I've already written the second half of this chapter! More than 30+ comments will get you the second half right away! Thanks for continuing in this story with me! I re-read a lot of my older chapters for continuity and I gotta say, I put you guys through a lot!_


	18. Whose Son - Part II

**Chapter 17: Whose Son - Part II**

My mother swung for me. I saw it coming. Suddenly, I felt Ha Jin's body before I saw her dart out in between the two of us.

The sound of Jin-Jeong hitting her was sharp and loud. I stared at Ha Jin's slight figure, swaying, and holding a hand to her cheek where she had been struck.

"Stop it. Stop being cruel. You're a mother. How could you?" Ha Jin's voice shook, but her tone was strident like an alarm. I felt the digging of shame and fury scoring my insides. Ha Jin saw everything; I still wished that I could hide it all. My family and Ha Jin were standing on a platform in space, but I'd rather jumped off and surveyed everyone from afar. I saw my father talking with no words. The ringing in my ears dulling my senses until she turned back to look at me-her wide brown eyes were wet, but her jaw was set in a determined line. She brought me back. I saw the bright pink imprint of my mother's hand on Ha Jin's face.

My anger monster roared, it rampaged and shook the chains. I felt my restraint ripping at the seams, I was a frankenstein of bitterness and pent up anger. My mouth tasted like raw chicory. Every single painful childhood memory chased through my brain like wildfire. I was beyond anger and pain. I only wanted justice. I saw red. I stepped around Ha Jin and with single motion, I shoved my mother against the wall of kitchen and crushed my forearm against her windpipe.

"What did you say?"

"You're not his son." She spat through her teeth as she choked.

Ice cold metal touched the back of my neck. Abeoji had drawn his sidearm.

"Joon-Ki. Step back, turn around, hands behind your head."

I froze and instinct took over. I released her and I stepped back and did I was told. I stared at my father. He nodded once and lowered his gun. Beyond him, I could see Ha Jin holding her hand to her mouth.

"Jin-Jeong, you have take a bad situation and made it a catastrophe." Abeoji gestured for me to sit. "Do not destroy the person who can help Seung Won."

I sat with my hands carefully folded on the table, in full view of my father. I had to flatten my hands against the table because I couldn't stop the trembling in my right hand. I lost my control. My mind slowed to a crawl, my usual remoteness and detachment were nowhere in sight. My emotions clouded everything. I blinked hard, looking at my hands which were still faintly brown from my time in Africa, my eyes fixed on the white scar that cut from thumb to my wrist. I got it running through a barbed wire fence; it was the last time I would see Asad.

I didn't dare to look at Ha Jin. When I told her all those months ago that we were an unhappy family, I never thought that she would see this kind unraveling. We were exploding from the center. I looked back down at my hand, and shrank into my seat. I needed to look at Ha Jin, but I couldn't. The violence she just saw, the way my mother and I spat vitriol at each other, I wouldn't blame her if she hightailed it out of the room right this second. I would.

I looked at Omoni-the dread sat heavy in my body like a prisoner who knew it was time for the execution. She was going to say the thing I needed to hear for the past thirty years, but it was leave us all changed. We had too many secrets in this family. Whether it was the secrets that Abeoji and I kept for the country's safety or my mother's Song family secrets. Our wounds had festered for far too long inflamed with guilt, retribution, and anger, and now we needed to be cut open and examined. Did I want to hear the truth? When I glimpsed Ha Jin, her eyes fixed on the floor-her lips moving silently as if she were in prayer or counting. I silently urged her to look at me, but she held herself, inert to us.

"Joon Ki." My father sat down across from me and placed his gun back in his holster. "What Jin-Jeong says is true. I thought that by keeping it from you, that it might never hurt you. But what I didn't realize until now-ah, and I am deeply sorry-is that the truth could hurt you any moment."

"Jin-Jeong." My father cleared his throat. "I don't think this is my story to tell. Please sit."

I was just an observer in this spectacle. My mother moved like a marionette and sat next to my father. Her jaw worked but she had nothing to say for several minutes.

"Who am I, Omoni?"

"I had you with another man, Joon Ki." Her voice was cool and clipped. "General Han abandoned me for his career. He left me with Jin-Young when he was just a baby. Do you know what it's like to be a young woman with a baby who never sees the father of her child? I was alone in the world. It drove me crazy."

From the corner of my eyes, Ha Jin suddenly lift her head and look in our direction.

"He was overseas for most of our marriage. I met someone when Jin-Young was six. I had an affair. I had you."

"Were you in love with my father?"

"Yes." She spat out the words like they hurt her mouth.

"Why didn't you leave Abeoji?"

"Because he killed the man I loved."

I heard an audible gasp from Ha Jin and we all turned to look at her. I think for a moment, my family forgot that she was there. There was too much at stake to stop now. Ha Jin shook her head in disbelief, her hands clenching and unclenching at her chest. I closed my eyes for a moment, memorizing her pained face. I knew that face. I knew that expression from my vault of memories of Hae Su. I saw it so much in Goryeo towards the end of her time at the palace, Wang So had tried to push her worry and pain out of his mind. He thought it was enough to have her close, that the years of separation they endured was worse than anything that could happen to Hae Su at the palace. Of course, Wang So was fatefully wrong.

Mother's words ricochet and repeated in my head. I was not abeoji's son. Who am I?

It was like she threw a bunch of puzzle pieces at my feet and expected me to understand where the pieces fell. I searched in my brain for an answer. I am Han Joon Ki, the son of General Han and Song Jin-Jeong, born under a harvest moon. I am a Corporal in the Korean National Army. I love my little brother Seung Won and some what reluctantly, my older brother Jin-Young. I believe in country first. I love a woman named-I faltered repeating the same chant to myself. It was the same chant I used when we were held prisoner for months in Somalia. I repeated the mantra to myself over and again when the last remaining bit of hope that I would stay alive in Africa finally disappeared. I squeezed my eyes shut again. I felt like I was losing myself again. In truth, ever since I found Ha Jin again, I had a harder time relating to the life I had in Korea. I kept remembering us, Wang So and Hae Su. The twenty years of my life before I recovered my memories of Hae Su seemed farther away than ever.

She loved my biological father but stayed with General Han because they were both trapped in the same bucket, pulling each other back the minute one seemed poised for freedom. Each act beget another crime against each other. I wondered how many misdeeds got us to this point, both the Hans and the Songs. My father's family could never let a whisper of scandal taint their reputation. The Songs would use whatever money necessary to control who they needed. My father's neglect of his family, my mother's affair, my uncontrolled anger, how we seemed unable to care for each other without hurting each other. I shuddered. Was this any kind of life for Ha Jin?

I waited for Abeoji to defend himself, but instead he folded his arms across his chest and stared into space. Within two sentences, Jin-Jeong had remade my life's history. I inspected the man in front of me - whoever my biological father didn't matter to me - even if we didn't share any genetic material, Abeoji was still my father because he was the man who raised me. Jin-Jeong might have just as well said that my father was Santa Claus for all the good it did me. I was still tied to this family.

"Of course, he would say that he had nothing to do with your father's death. But I knew it was him." Her teeth were grinding into her jaw, lips drawing back into a smile tighter than drumskin. "Why would he be sent to somewhere so dangerous for an assignment? He was killed in the line of duty."

"He was also in the army?"

"Yes." Abeoji finally spoke. "He was my junior."

My eyes flickered back to Ha Jin, whose face was pure white in shock. I could read all of my emotions on her face; I felt like I was looking at myself. Omoni crossed her arms and regarded Abeoji with a cool gaze. They had play this game for years - and while I knew that they would probably play for many more years - I wanted to buy out before Ha Jin and I got hurt any more.

"You stayed." I leveled with Jin-Jeong. "You hated Abeoji but you stayed because somehow he felt guilty that he got his best friend killed and you needed him to take care of Jin-Young and me."

She nodded without looking at me, her eyes were still fixed on General Han. I wonder how hateful I could become if I loved someone who could never love me back.

"Why do you hate me?"

Her eyes glazed over. "You look exactly like him. Thank god he died because he could have cost me my career if I decided to do something foolish like running away. Every time I look at you, I'm remembered how close I was to losing it all."

She was abandoned by General Han. She sought comfort elsewhere, with my biological father, and had me. All my life, I had struggled to understand why I was so different. At least now, there was a concrete reason, I had a different father. Who was he? Could I have had a different life if Jin-Jeong had decided to leave her marriage? Who would I be? The questions flew around in my head like wild birds. I tried to tame one.

I took a deep breath and felt the strangest relief ease into my body. The things about me that never made sense. The inadequacies, the anger, and the the stark contrast between me and Jin Young and even Seung Won weren't imagined. It felt like I was finally waking up from a nightmare. All this time, I had thought that it was my fault, something that I did that turned my mother against me, but it was just the nature of my being.

I shook my head. There was so much bitterness in all of this history. They were both horrible people. I saw that now. My father abandoned his young wife because he valued his country more than his family. Jin-Jeong took revenge in the only way she knew how, and now we were all going to hell in the same handbasket. I felt a soft pressure on my shoulder, I realized Ha Jin had moved while I was ruminating, I reached out and grasped her fingers with mine. I wanted to understand it all, and at this moment, I wanted more than anything to talk to Seung Won.

"Why did you have Seung Won if you hated Abeoji so much?"

"Because he was going to leave me for another woman." She said flippantly, like she was going on vacation. "I was never going to let him go to anyone else."

She stiffened against my gaze and lifted her chin.

"You are more like Captain Han than your real father. He remade you. You were never my child."

In a second, my mother lost all the glamour and poise she always wrapped around herself like hard shell. She looked old and frail- stooping forward. And I saw the cracks everywhere. Her hair was harshly black, a dye job for her premature greys. No matter the amount of expensive makeup she could cover her face with, it didn't hide the pure misery she carried around like a expensive bag. I reached inside and instead of the demon that always raged, it was quiet and listening.

"That is enough, Jin-Jeong."

Abeoji got up abruptly from the table.

"Your reason for revealing this was unwise. I don't know what you think you're doing, but I will know soon. I need Joon Ki. Seung Won needs him. This is as much time as I will ever allow for this discussion. This family has to function. There's no point in assigning blame. We will not speak of this again."

Jin-Jeong was the only one left sitting as I stood up. I reached for Ha Jin.

"I will give you a ride home. Please rest at your mother's house, Ha Jin." I lifted her chin to look at me. She nodded, her eyes were probably redder than mine.

When the three of us left my apartment, I wondered about Jin-Jeong sitting in my apartment alone. I gave one last glance at my mother, her shoulders slumped and her head hung against her chest. The canyon of Gangnam apartment buildings could be seen beyond her through the window. From the door, she looked like a sloped mountain in the window. She was alone - it seemed that every single man in her family wanted her to be alone.

Downstairs in the garage, I opened the jeep door for Ha Jin and leaned in to stroke her face while Abeoji finished a phone call upstairs.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes searching and wide.

I nodded.

"I wish you didn't have to see all of that."

She tilted her head to one side. "I am going home, but will you let me know as soon as anything happens with Seung Won. He's very dear to me."

"I hope not more than me."

"Should that matter? He's important to the both of us."

The hilly terrain to Sogyeokdong shook the car, but Ha Jin fell asleep almost as soon as we started moving. When we arrived at her house, I was about to get out of my seat to escort her to her front door, but she scrambled out as soon as we arrived.

I watched as she ran in front of the jeep and over to my window. Her face tilted up at me, open as a lily, with a serious expression. I wanted to lean through the window to kiss her, but we both were all too aware of General Han.

"You can't come in."

"Oh."

"Because my mother will stop you with a thousand questions and you need to go find Seung Won. This time, don't come in."

She was about to turn to leave.

"Ha Jin." I swallowed hard. "Thank you."

"Please, bring him home." She nodded and when I drove away, I saw her tiny figure in the rear view mirror. She gave a small wave and when she disappeared from view, Abeoji and I sat in silence.

"She is different."

"Come again?"

My father was terse with his compliments. "You probably feel like she understands you more than anyone and that you would do anything for her."

"I do and I would."

"Joon Ki, I consider you a Han. And the Hans preserve country before everything."

"You're saying that I will neglect my duties because of Ha Jin."

"I will need you to understand one thing. The tears of one does not equal the suffering of many. We work to preserve the country. We preserve people's way of life. No price is too high for peace and freedom, Joon Ki."

"What are you really saying?"

"When you went missing in Somalia, the two people who suffered the most were Seung Won...and Ha Jin. I kept tabs on her because I didn't want Seung Won to run into any trouble and I didn't know her. I didn't trust her. She seemed well-intentioned, but I figured she would give up after a few months. But-"

He fell silent for a second.

"She believed in you more than I did."

I didn't know what to say. We were in foreign terrain, my father and I never had conversations about my previous relationships. He demanded efficiency and purpose for any conversation. I felt like we were play-acting a normal father-son relationship, especially after Omoni just declared us to be completely unrelated. I wondered if everyone found their axis tilted.

"I didn't know."

"Go Ha Jin is probably one of the most determined people I've ever known, and I know soldiers." He chuckled to himself. "I felt like there was something familiar about her when we first met at Seung Won's birthday party, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She seemed much older than her age."

"She's like a thousand year old mountain." I glanced at Abeoji, whose face didn't crack at my joke.

"That's not it. I just think I know her."

I clammed up. After Ha Jin and I discussed our reincarnation and realized that my entire family from Goryeo were present, we hadn't had a chance to really understand why. Maybe it was our chance to do everything over again, to live our lives right. My mouth was dry. How could I explain to General Han that he was King Taejo a thousand years ago? He was the father who neglected his family the same way he did today. Would telling him change his fate? Could he change? Could any of us change.

"Your aircraft didn't even leave wreckage. Or if it did, it disappeared into the jungle. There were insurgents from three different fronts in their civil dispute who could have taken you prisoner. We had reports from the UN, from Doctors without Borders, and from Red Cross that everyone in your convoy had died and the bodies were being shipped home. I waited every day to get the call for you. But it never came. I was sure you were buried somewhere in Africa." He rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"There were days where I thought I would die."

"There is no one to blame but me." He shifted in his seat and leaned forward.

"It was an assignment. I made my choice."

"Your ancestors would haunt me forever for sending you to that assignment. I was already being haunted by your father. I was ready to accepted one more ghost."

I heard my father sigh.

"You need someone like her. But do not forget what you are. Who you're serving."

"Do you think there's a choice I can make here?"

"There will be a moment for that choice, and I want you to make the right choice."

After six hours on the road, we were finally in Busan. General Han was silent for the remainder of the trip. I suppose the monastic quiet was good for the both us. I had alot to digest over the drive. But most of all, I thought about Seung Won. Even though I was much older than Seung Won, he always found a way to stick by my side.

My little brother was my shadow until I left for the army. Even when I was a teenager and I was annoyed by being tagged along by a toddler, we got each other in the way that Jin-Young and I never did, even though Jin-Young and I were closer in age. Seung Won was always in trouble and I was forever bailing him out. I could still hear his "hyung!" dragging out the last vowels of the words while he explained his latest predicament. He could rally half a dozen preschoolers for some ill-fated field trip that would get cut off as soon as some responsible adult saw what was going on. My chest tightened when I thought about his ransom video. There was one thing I did understand about Omoni, the desperation she felt for Seung Won was the same as mine.

Greeted by an envoy of highly ranked officers, there was a sea of stripes and bars on every uniform, I hung behind General Han as they debrief him quickly about Seung Won's case. As it turns out, most of local authority did not want to get involved in the investigation since it was so high-profile and every agency felt like they didn't want to mess with the military. I grimaced, I hated how bureaucracies worked, with everyone covering their own asses, losing valuable time.

"They got one of the directors of CCEJ down here."

I perked up. It was the first solid lead I had heard in hours during the debriefing.

"Joon Ki will interrogate him."

"There's no need. We have one of our best men on the interrogation team already enroute."

"Then Joon Ki will supplement." General Han turned the page of the the briefing which mean that there were no further discussions. "You're dismissed, Corporal Han Joon Ki."

I stood up and saluted, remembering that my real last name wasn't Han at all.

The interrogation room was in the next building through one of those maze like hallways that Kafka wrote about. I felt a little like the main character in that cockroach story. In the span of a few hours, I had becomes something I didn't quite recognize. I was no longer General Han's son, I was Han Joon Ki, I was Wang So. Through the one-way mirror, I could see the man sitting in the bare room, with a single paper cup of water on the table. He would occasional glance through the mirror and it felt like he looked straight at me. Director Kim. I looked through his file and nothing felt right that he was the one sitting in the interrogation chair.

I glanced at my watch. Seung Wons ransom note was delivered eight hours ago. We had twenty-four hours to give into the kidnappers demands or rebut with a different offer, which meant that only sixteen hours remained. I felt clear-headed for the first time in weeks. Glancing at the clock, the primary interrogator was suppose to get here in another hour, but I didn't have that kind of time. I snapped the file in my hands and walked into the interrogation room.

Against the institutional gray walls, Director Kim looked bored and fixed his eyes to the left of my shoulder when I sat down in front of him. His eyes looked bloodshot. He was a heavy set man, his weight mostly set in his paunch, and the heavy bags under his eyes were crepey with age.

"Director Kim. My name is Corporal Han Joon Ki. Would you like to start by telling me what you're doing in Busan?"

"I don't have to say anything to you. I'm detained here without reason. I need a lawyer."

"You're not being held legally." I tapped his file, flat on the table. "The military does have a way of making sure that people stay put."

"My people are going to look for me."

"I advise you to cooperate. You've been a director at the CCEJ for the last ten years. You run the labor relations department."

"Listen, don't think I don't know that the military, the chaebols, the government are all in cahoots together."

"I'm on your side, Director Kim."

He sat back in his chair and folded his arms and pursed his lips. I tried a different tactic.

"I'm not the primary interrogator on this case, but more importantly, Seung Won is my brother. I just want to see him safe. It's more important to me than anything else."

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Director Kim slammed his other hand against the table.

"I know who you are. I know who your father is. I knew Seung Won's history before I let him move a single step in this project. Don't you think I know how powerful the Songs are? We would not have done this if Seung Won wasn't involved."

"What do you mean?"

"Seung Won assured us that he would be safe from any retribution from the Songs. It's the only reason we decided to proceed. In my ten years as director, we've stayed away from direct confrontation with Song Machine Group for this very reason."

"So the ransom video was not the creation of one of the fringe workers of the Song Group?"

"No. It couldn't' have been. Those workers are afraid for their livelihood. It doesn't make sense for them to be so public with their grievances. They also have no idea how many people are in favor of unionization. We kept that list a secret."

"How are you so sure? There's could be bad element in a group of any size."

"What were you and Seung Won doing in Busan?"

He held my stare.

"Can you protect me?"

I nodded.

"I have a daughter. I have a sick mother. Treat me like a human being, Corporal."

"You have my word."

He sat back and analyzed me. I understood the fear. The military was like a blackbox to civilians. We were not beholden to them, but our purpose was to protect peace and freedom at any cost. I was about to cajole him again when he finally spoke.

"The Song Machine Group has a new LEED-certified factory here in Busan. It has been a tremendous boon to the local economy. Lots of unemployed people went back to work. Things were good for a few years. People were happy just to be employed even if it meant that they still weren't being paid a living wage. Some work was better than no work right?"

He shook his head emphatically.

"Then, one of the workers overheard an executive talk about a big Chinese contract coming to the factory. It's a big deal. Probably one of the biggest in the last ten years. When we heard this, we thought it would be the perfect time to strike, while the iron was hot. Seung Won confirmed it with some of his Song contacts at the company."

"Seung Won thought that if he got ahead of the Chinese contract, it could be leverage to use against the Songs? To have the workers unionize when they were the most valuable to the Songs?"

"Exactly. We started a series of underground meetings with some of the workers here. You have no idea how hard it was. Trying to tell people that their jobs might go away is one of the biggest fears to these people. They want to be able to buy things for their families, to feed their kids, and the possibility of that going away is almost worse than death. Seung Won and I have been travelling back and forth for months, holding meetings, listening to Machine Group worker concerns. We've had to earn those votes one by one."

"How did the Song group find out about the meetings?"

Director Kim glanced around the room.

"How are you able to hold me here? There's no alerting the authorities. You are the authority. You tell me how they were able to find out."

The door swung open and I glanced up at the short uniformed man who looked startled that I was already in the room. I suppose this was the primary interrogator.

"Corporal." He stood to salute me. "Specialist Park reporting."

"Have a seat. I had chance to catch up with Director Kim, but I think you can take it from here."

Specialist Park looked surprised that I was leaving so quickly, but I didn't have time to explain how his questioning of Director Kim was going to be fruitless. Director Kim would only trust the people who were close to Seung Won. I would have to find more time with Director Kim later if I could. But in the meantime, I had two leads I could follow.

First, there was a list of workers who were in favor of unionization. It was my gut feeling that Seung Won had the list and it was the primary reason that the Songs decided to take him. Because if Director Kim had the list, he'd be the missing one. It was the single most important piece of information in all of this. If in the event of a larger Chinese contract, there would invariably be international visitors to inspect the factory for operational soundness. The Chinese were notoriously skittish about sending work abroad. My guess was the only reason they wanted to use the Song factory was for its LEED rating, to change China's image as the heavy polluters of Asia. The Songs stood to gain a huge profit from amount of overseas work. Any breath of instability among the workers would have to be quashed like a bug. They would not be able to risk a potential unionization. The list of workers that Seung Won held was probably worth billions of wons. The list stood between the Song Machine Group and the Chinese contract.

Second, if I found the trail of surveillance for Seung Won, then I would find who was holding him.

I changed back into civilian clothes and hopped in the Jeep. There was someone I had to see.

My brother, Jin-Young.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 _Moonlovers! Thanks so much for getting me to those thirty comments. I definitely appreciate each and everyone who comments and gives kudos. Please drop a line and if you have any questions I'll be glad to answer._ _ **Part III of Whose Son**_ _is also done, so if you get me to 30+ comments you'll have the next chapter. Very happy to have this much reader participation!_


	19. Whose Son - Part III

**Chapter 19 - WHOSE SON - PART III**

**author note** - I made the authorial choice to change modern Wang So's name to Han Jun Seo. Please welcome Jun Seo to your hearts, he's pretty great too. (all previous chapters have been updated to reflect this change - new readers, this will be an unbroken experience for you) :D

In Mayor Han's waiting room, I leaned into the pricey leather and stared up at the Chihuly chandelier, it was a red glass monstrosity. Whoever bought the thing had a vision of hell he wanted to replicated in glass.

I spun my phone between my forefinger and thumb. Jin-Young would surely know a thing or two as the mayor of Busan. And since Busan was a port city, my guess is there was a central deposit of information for the the incoming and outgoing harbor traffic-the harbormaster would know, or one of Jin-Young's people could get to what I needed. And if my hunch was right-that the potential new contract with the Song LEED factory would require at least the addition of shipping routes for raw materials from China-that could be the first step of a hot trail. Or I hoped it was.

When I arrived at Jin-Young's office, his secretary told me he was coming back on the 3 P.M. ferry. There would be no way to reach him until then. I sat down and prepared to wait. I dragged out the photos I took on Director Kim's file and scrutinized the information again. I saw an incomplete picture, because Seung Won was the other half of this. I remembered when I was discharged from the hospital, Seung Won had barged into my apartment, announcing that he was going to Busan for this very project. I remember how Ha Jin was ecstatic that Seung Won was taking on this fight and I was significantly more dour. It was our first fight. But Ha Jin had taught me something about herself, that she was willing to stay and fight for me, which she showed me in no uncertain terms, how she was brave, over and over again, in the face of my PTSD, in the face of my very intimidating mother, the basic Han family craziness. My brave woman, she was even more fierce than Hae Su.

I wanted to call Ha Jin, but I also wanted to her to rest. She wasn't like me. She couldn't do weeks without sleeping the way I had been trained since I was a private. I took so much from her.

I scrolled through the gallery on my phone, and I saw dozens of photos I didn't take. A slow smile spread across my face. I usually use my phone for work, but Ha Jin had filled my phone in the month she moved into my apartment with selfies she took with various things she had hid around the apartment. There was even a picture of grumpy Ha Jin next to all the ramen I kept in the pantry - she clearly disapproved of a my unhealthy choices. I kept scrolling and in the next picture, I saw that every single ramen pack was in the trash. I stifled a laugh.

"Are you awake? I found where you hid my ramen." I typed.

She responded with an innocent looking bunny sticker emoji.

"Thank you. But how will you repay me for all the things you threw away?"

"Ahjussi, I will make you ramen myself if you stop eating the instant kind."

"What did I say about calling me Ahjussi?"

"It's a sign of respect." She wrote back. Cheeky. She followed it with a bunny sticker that bowed reverently from the screen. Another message appeared. "How is it going?"

"I am waiting for Jin-Young to get back, but I'm following leads. It looks promising. Are you able to sleep?"

"No. This morning was pretty crazy."

I decided this wasn't a text message conversation anymore and immediately put my phone by my ear.

"Jun Seo," Her voice sounded husky and sleepy.

"Ah. Are you okay?" I rubbed the back of my neck, scared for what her answer would be. The image of her, holding her palm to her cheek, while she asked Jin-Jeong how she could be so cruel was stuck in my brain.

"I feel like I should be asking you that question."

"Whenever I'm on a mission, I feel fine."

"Can you talk about your mission?"

"No. It's best not to."

"This is so hard, Jun Seo."

I didn't want to admit how right she was. Everything about my life was difficult. Before I found Ha Jin, my life was simpler. I had my mission and I didn't have to think about anything else. One of the reasons I loved being in the military was that it provided me with the routine and unity that I lacked in my childhood. Growing up with Captain Han constantly away, Jin-Jeong was always chaotic, the smallest thing could set her off. Once I left home, I relied on the consistency of the same expectations everyday in the military to keep me sane. I felt comforted in its rigidity. No matter where in the world I went, the military was the same.

Civilians always had a hard time grasping why soldiers were fine with being told what to do all the time. But I've seen in my life, that no matter who you are, there is someone above you controlling your decisions. At least in the military, the power structure was clear. The rules laid in strict protocol. Every soldier could figure it out if he tried. I thrived in this kind of environment. I grew up in this world. I had grown accustomed to a certain way of life. Whenever I enacted the way the military prescribed, I could predict the outcomes.

Ha Jin. Just thinking of her made me feel less certain about the choices in my life.

She threw everything into chaos the moment she appeared in front of me at the palace. Everything I knew to be true upended the moment she touched my face, whispering my name from a thousand years ago. I rubbed my temples. There was no military training manuals for time-traveling once-in-a-lifetime loves. I couldn't scrimmage my way through my relationship with Ha Jin.

"Ha Jin. If you want to take some time away from me, I would understand."

"That's not it."

"You just watched my father hold a gun to my head and my entire family turn inside out. I'm sure you need some time."

She paused for a moment.

"What about when you said you needed me?"

"I'll be fine."

"Wrong answer."

"What are you saying?"

"Hmm, think about it and I will tell you when you come back with Seung Won."

I hung up and turned her words carefully over in my mind. I think I understood what she was saying, but I couldn't ruminate because Jin-Young walked through the doors of his office.

"Mayor Han." I bowed stiffly.

"Let's not be so formal."

I glanced at Jin-Young, it'd been months since I saw him last. His face looked a little bloated, like he had a liter of soju for lunch.

"Anything? I told my aides that I would be taking all calls related to Seung Won." He took the seat across from me and rested his ankle on his knee. I studied his face. It was as placid as ever. He was a good politician, so that meant he was strategic whenever he spoke. Jin-Young and I were never close, and it always surprised other people when I introduced him as my older brother. I suppose since this morning, there was some validity in strangers thinking that we weren't related.

"We have about fourteen hours to respond to the ransom that was sent to Abeoji. You've seen the video?"

"Incredible. These brazen bastards. To threaten the son of the highest ranking officer in the Korean Army. Are they crazy? Do they want to die?"

"What do you know?"

He steepled his fingers together thoughtfully under his chin. "I'm sorry about the Busan Metropolitan Police being no help. The captain of that police is a crazy bastard, he is in the pocket of some gangster. Give me some ideas where you and Abeoji are looking and I'll put my best men on it."

"I appreciate that. But what about second Uncle?"

"What about second Uncle?"

"He's the Vice President of Labor relations in Song Machine Group, do you think he would know anything?"

Jin-Young furrowed his brow. "You're not taking the video seriously? That it's a group of disgruntled workers? What would Second Uncle have to gain by getting involved in something like this?"

"We're looking into that avenue too. We've already interrogated Director Kim."

"Ah, him." Jin-Young drummed his fingers on his knees. "I keep hearing his name being mixed up in different things."

I frowned. Director Kim's records looked unimpeachable. He had never been arrested. He had a history of confrontation with the police, but they were all under the auspices of the CCEJ. It was his job to be challenge the edges of the law. Usually, he had a very good pro-bono lawyer, but maybe I missed something.

"Like what? Is there something swaying him?"

"Director Kim is in a great deal of medical debt caring for his sick mother. I wouldn't be surprised if someone swayed him with money."

I studied Jin-Young's face. He looked back, steady.

"Money is a powerful motivator. He might have sold out Seung Won so that the unionization vote would go forward no matter what. Who knows what these radicals are capable of. I wouldn't put it past them to use Seung Won as a bargaining chip. Aish, that idiot. I told him he was too idealistic. These people can't be trusted. They have too much to lose with this vote."

"When Omoni came to me this morning-"

Jin-Young leaned towards me. "Omoni?"

"She came to me before the ransom video was released. I thought it was strange too, after I realized that she came to me before you. I didn't have enough time to examine her motives."

"Yes, Jin-Jeong is always about two steps ahead by the time she contacts anyone for anything." He gave me a bland smile. "I wonder what she's doing."

Jin-Young surprised me. I always thought Omoni and he were as thick as thieves. "She's the Vice Mayor of Seoul and you're the Mayor of Busan. Don't you two talk all the time?"

"We do." And then he didn't say much. I wanted to press for more information. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was endlessly curious about my mother. She had an unfathomable depth. I hadn't forgiven her for this morning. I hadn't forgotten that she struck Ha Jin in the face. I wondered if Jin-Young knew about my father too.

"Do you know anything else?" I jotted down a few minutes and made a motion to leave.

"No. I will keep in touch. What are you going to do next?"

I stood up and glanced at my brother, who was still sitting.

"I think I have an idea."

He glanced at me.

"No matter what, Seung Won must be safe."

I nodded. I left the mayor's office in a hurry and drove to the imaging lab that the video was delivered to. The imaging tech had said that the video would be ready for analysis in two hours, which was the amount time I spent waiting and talking to Jin-Young. We were at less than twelve hours now for the Seung Won negotiation.

I felt my brain clicking into a cool order as I glanced through the reports that the technician delivered. They were able to determine the kind of phone the video was shot on, very impressive. With the lighting analysis, they figured out the exact time of day, which could point us in the right direction when it comes to geography. There was an additional tech tracing the IP of the video sender. At first glance, the IP address bounce all over the world, like a spiderweb from Asia to America, but most were false pings, designed to throw someone who was trying to find the source off the trail. The IT guy was going to need more time to eliminate the false positives.

I sat in the booth with the technician and we went over the video again and again. I could watch frame by frame, zoning in every single detail. Luckily, it was shot in HD, which was useful for zooms. Almost every phone had a HD camera which captured so much more information than any security camera. But, every frame looked the same. The only difference seemed to be the way Seung Won shifted in the video.

I rubbed my eyes. There had to be something here. I had a suspicion for Jin-Young's involvement, but no proof. Jin-Young was close with Second Uncle. It didn't escape me that as soon as I brought up second Uncle, Jin-Young deflected the charge. Still, it wasn't enough. What did Jin-Young have to gain and was it enough for him to place Seung Won in danger? And unlike what Omoni would think, I wasn't going to go after my brother because of his past shadiness. I held my hands over my eyes, and looked through my fingers at the video again.

This time, something looked different. A flash caught my eye and it hadn't before. I rocked my chair forward and landed, two feet planted in front of the screen. Maybe this was it.

I had the tech zoom in on a reflection on the chrome chair that Seung Won was sitting in. By all means, it didn't look possible that you could see a face. But the armrest of the chrome chair was shiny. Almost mirror like.

I tapped on the screen where I thought I saw a blurred face reflected.

"Freeze it. And zoom in. Then stretch the image so that it's not distorted."

After what seems like a few hundred taps, we pulled up the image on screen. It was blurry. Almost impossible to use. I gripped the coffee cup in my hand, crushing the styrofoam. But I knew that face.

I gave Jin-Young the benefit, of the doubt, but I was wrong. It was Jin-Young in the reflection.

"Corporal Han. We found the original IP. It's a Chinese server. But it belongs to the Songs Machine Group. It's their offshore server farm." The IT tech barged in with his news.

That did it. Two pieces of blatant evidence that Jin-Young was holding Seung Won. I clicked my pen and rapidly twirled it around my fingers, this was more than just a union busting move. This was a conspiracy. My questions were, did Jin-Jeong know? Did Jin-Young know about Seung Won in Busan? Was it an accident or was it planned? I had the techs send me everything to my email, ccing General Han. In a moment, I was back in my Jeep driving to the base.

"Abeoji. It's Jin-Young. He kidnapped Seung Won."

"Are you sure?"

"I have proof."

I hung up and when I got to the base, General Han was already waiting for me in the east conference room. The enormous room was empty, save for the seat off to the far right. Abeoji drummed his fingers against the table and looked up when I walked in.

"I have both visual and data proof that Jin-Young knows where Seung Won is."

General Han looked up at me, his eyes looked weary. Sometimes, I forgot how old he was. The weight of an entire country's safety rested in his hands.

"How is this possible? Why would he want to kidnap Seung Won? His own brother? This scheme seems stupid, and Jin-Young isn't stupid."

"I have a theory." I leveled with him. "I think this is part of something bigger. When I was shot during the Presidential Motorcade, what were you able to find out?"

"We found the sniper, but he had already left the country. He was able to use fifteen different aliases to escape the country, and that means he had enormous resources backing him. His trail went cold in Argentina."

"I think the sniper was extremely well covered because it was an inside job. Someone made sure that the parade route had enough points where he could escape. Someone gave the sniper all those different identities. There were too many security checkpoints that I set up along the route and relayed to the Seoul Metropolitan police. The only way to have avoided those checkpoints would have been if someone knew about them beforehand. How else can anyone leave the country so easily?"

"What are you saying?"

"I think this part of the same conspiracy. To discredit people who are protesting against the the government and against chaebol companies."

"Jun Seo-ah. I don't like where this is going. I thought you were more clear eyed than this. Are you starting to turn into Seung Won?"

"I'm not. I serve my country. But these two incidents both have the same factor, people who have been disgruntled and are protesting, and the blame is landing on them for crimes that have to do with our family. These plans feel calculated and planned. Not at all like the kind of social movement that Seung Won is a part of."

"You think that Jin-Jeong-"

"I don't know. I think that shooting me was an accident. Whoever planned this never intended the presidential assassination to be successful. They only wanted to make people think that the protestors were dangerous. This video has almost the exact same strategy as the presidential shooting. Displace the blame on a group of people, and it just happens to be the group of people who are getting in the way of the Songs."

General Han rose to his feet and paced the room. I could tell that he was evaluating my argument. It was just a hunch, and I had no idea if I was really close to the truth. I could see the connections, but maybe I was close to everything.

"Where's your mother?"

"I'll call her." I grabbed the phone and I dialed. This time she picked up after the first ring, which was unusual for her.

"Omoni. Where are you?"

"I am with your brother, Jin-Young. He's telling me what he's doing to rescue Seung Won. What are you doing?"

I gritted my teeth. "We need to come see you. There some new development. Keep Jin-Young with you."

In silence, we drove to the Busan Harbor, where they were. We had only eight more hours in the countdown for the Seung Won tradeoff. I could feel the time slipping by, through my fingers and much faster than I wanted.

The air was warm in the harbor. I like the ocean, but the water near the freight docks didn't look like the ocean. It was dark waters, to the depth of hundreds of meters, where anything could disappear. The lights of the city sparkled in the the black water, like stars wavering. When Jin-Jeong and my brother finally arrived, the high beams of their Tesla died down and I heard both of them approaching.

"Omoni. Jin-Young." I bowed.

"How far have you gotten in your investigation? Jin-Young has found a new lead. It seems like there was a worker that was willing to talk more than your Mr. Kim."

"I'm sure he found someone."

"What do you mean?"

"How much did you have to pay them to take the fall? Half a billion won? Probably a fraction of whatever you're getting paid for the Song LEED China contract."

"How dare you?!" Omoni walked towards me, but Jin-Young held her back.

"I'd like to know what he has to say."

"I'm going to lay this out for the two of you and you can tell me how you want this to end. But it ends tonight."

Jin Young raised an eyebrow, in the dark light of the locking bay, he looked more sinister than his usual placid mild face.

"You took Seung Won. Maybe at the beginning, you didn't know that Seung Won was the person with the list. You were after Director Kim."

"What list are you talking about?" Jin-Young sat on the hood of his car, like we were shooting the shit about the Busan Tigers.

"The list of all the workers who were going to vote for the unionization. You needed that list. Second Uncle was going to fire all of those employees who would strike. If the strike vote happened before the Chinese inspection, Second Uncle would have lost the entire contract. Second Uncle couldn't show a weak face to the Chinese. Now, the list is important, because you can't fire everyone. You needed a minimum of people so that when the inspectors would be assure that the factory was in optimum working condition. So who had this list? Seung Won and Director Kim. When you found Director Kim, he didn't have the list anymore, he said only Seung Won kept it because Seung Won knew whoever had the list would be in danger."

"Jin-Young has nothing to do with this! Why are you bothering us when you should be finding the lead that we're giving you? How could Jin-Young hurt Seung Won, that's his little brother."

"Because of five billion wons, Omoni."

"What?"

"Jin-Young was going to get five billion wons for a successful Chinese contract. And he needs the money for his next election campaign. He's not doing so well in the polls."

Jin-Young stood up suddenly.

"You have no proof."

"I do, hyungnim." I took out the photos from the imaging lab. "You were there at the filming of Seung Won's kidnapping video. You made sure everything was perfect in the video. No signifying marks. No evidence that would tie the video to anyone involved with the Songs or with the Mayor's office. You even encrypted the IP so that it looked like it was coming from America."

Jin-Jeong yanked the photos from me and peered closely.

"And since the vote was suppose to happen tonight, and everyone was too scared to come out because of the Seung Won video, five billion wons were transferred to an offshore holding called Shin Shipping in Turks & Caicos."

"No, this can't be." Jin-Jeong pushed the photos back onto my chest. "You would do anything to take down Jin-Young. You were always jealous of him."

"I wondered why you came to me first instead of him."

Jin-Jeong opened her mouth, and just as quickly shut it again. She grimaced. "I went to you first because I knew you'd help Seung Won."

"No. You came to me first, because you knew that we'd start a military investigation, not a public investigation. You knew Abeoji would try his damndest to keep all information out of the news. You wanted this swept under the rug."

"I did not know it was going to go this far!" Jin-Jeong shouted.

I shook my head at my mother. Even in guilt, she was still trying to absolve herself. Maybe what she said was true, but she had no leg to stand on. She had pitted us against each other for our entire lives, and she shouldn't be surprised that it had come to this.

"You won hyungnim." I said dryly. "You got what you wanted. Now release Seung Won."

"Is Abeoji here to arrest me?" Jin-Young started backing away from us.

"No."

"Step down as Mayor, Jin-Young." General Han's voice was clipped. "I may not have anything on Jin-Jeong, but you will not disgrace this family anymore. You can go work for the Song factory, but do not hold any public offices. I will make sure you will never be elected again."

"Abeoji!"

"The very fact that you could do this to Seung Won tells me that Jin-Jeong and I have raised you wrong. We should be taking the responsibility for this terrible thing you've done. I won't turn you over to the authorities and that's is all I can do for you. Now, take us to Seung Won."

Jin-Young didn't have anything else to say. We drove for thirty minutes outside of Busan to a warehouse where Seung Won was being kept. When I walked into the dusty warehouse, I saw his sleeping form on a torn couch in the middle of this cavernous space. He looked fine.

I ran over to Seung Won and shook him gently.

Seung Won opened one eye to look at me and he groaned a sigh of relief.

"Hyung. You're a little late."

"I know. I'm sorry."

He got to his feet and rubbed his head. He saw the General, Omoni, and Jin-Young in the distance.

"What's going to happen to Jin-Young?"

"Not enough. Seung Won. Not enough." I shook my head. This was the way our world worked. We couldn't upset the order of things. Putting Jin-Young in jail wouldn't change how the Song group controlled everything. At least putting him out of office means that he wouldn't be using public funds for his own purposes. The Hans always harbored miscreants, it was part of who we were. Even if I were technically a Song. But that's a story for another day for Seung Won.

I gripped Seung Won by the shoulders and shook him a little. Making sure that all his bones were still unbroken, joints still working, hard head still intact.

"Don't do anything like that ever again."

"Hyung-nim. I can't promise that."

I groaned. "Ha Jin is going to kill me if you get into trouble again. You know she designated me your protector?"

"Then who's your protector, hyung-nim?"

"Ha Jin, obviously." I grinned at him. "I gotta find her and tell her the good news."

I let Abeoji deal with Jin-Young and my mother. I didn't want to stay another second around them. Seung Won got into my Jeep and we started back to Seoul.

"I'm sorry about the vote."

"I am too. Those people won't have another shot for another long time."

I turned to look at Seung Won and I handed him an icepack for his bruised face.

"Just tell me the next time you're planning to do something like this. I can protect you."

"I don't know. I made the choice to go down there. I knew what I was getting into. I was just hoping that Jin-Young would protect me." He exhaled. "I was a little off in my calculations."

"Abeoji will find the right way to deal with this."

"Oh I know he will. It just feels dishonest."

"Ah." I gripped the steering wheel. "I know the feeling. It's like nothing in our world is ever in the sunlight. We constantly maneuver in the dark. And that's why you joined the CCEJ. You wanted your movements to be in the light, to be public, and not to have to deal with these hidden players."

The road to back to Ha Jin felt was long. Seung Won was quiet. He had a lot to digest. When we finally reached her house, Seung found the hidden doorbell while I was still scanning the doorway.

I felt a flicker of jealousy, Seung Won knew this different side of Ha Jin. He had hung out with her family. He knew who she was at home. He was a familiar face to Han Jin's mother. Who was I? I felt a deep regret in the month since my return to Korea, I didn't make the proper time to visit with Ha Jin's family when she had done so much for me.

I thought about how this would be the first time that I was meeting her family. Crap. When Ha Jin's mother asks why I haven't been around, I had feeling I was going to make up an answer instead of drawing her to the inner circle of the Han family drama. I hoped her mother wouldn't kick me out at sight of me. I made her beautiful daughter haggard, tired, and sad. I rubbed my temple, seriously contemplating running away when the door opened.

This little face looked up at me. I could see how Ha Jin would look as a kid. I suddenly thought about what it would be like to have children who looked like Ha Jin and me.

"Seung-Won! You're back from Busan! Your face? Did you fall on some gravel? You have to be really careful to not run on gravel, that happened to me too!"

Seung Won gave the kiddo a high-five and the kiddo turned to frown at me.

"Who's this?"

"This is Jun Seo, my brother."

"Well well well, it's about time." He folded his little arms across his chest and assessed me with a gimlet eye. "My name is Nam Gil."

"Nice to meet you, Nam Gil."

He glared up at me. "So you're the one making my sister cry. Give me one good reason I should let you set one foot inside this house?"

"Yah, Nam Gil are you talking to strangers at the door, what are you doing?!"

Suddenly, an older woman yanked the door open wide. She spotted Seung Won and her face immediately broke into a grin.

"You're here! Ha Jin said you were in Busan!" She shook Seung Won's hand, excited. I gulped nervously. I felt more nervous now than facing a group of snipers in Afghanistan. She took Seung Won's chin and peered at him closely, examining the bruising on his face. Under her breath, I could barely hear her, but she said something to Seung Won about those pigs.

"Hello." I felt the words in my mouth, crunching like dry granola. I swallowed hard. If Nam Gil felt this way about me, how did Ha Jin's mother, Yoon-Young think? "My name is Han Jun Seo, I'm Seung Won's brother and-er-." I didn't know how to finish.

"And Go Ha Jin's man?" Yoon-Young smirked at me. Mother and daughter were so similar, they both had a droll streak. "Well, it's about time."

"That's what I said, Oma!"

"My name is Yoon-Young. We've heard so much about you." Yoon-Young raised an eyebrow. "I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity."

Her smile was so warm and I could tell she was teasing me, but I still felt so awkward. Talk about starting on the wrong foot. I bowed stiffly, trying to gather my thoughts.

"Hyungnim wanted to tell Go Ha Jin that I'm back."

"Oh, she's not here."

I looked up in surprise. "Where is she?"

"She's at your place in Gangnam. She says that she sleeps better there."

"Oh. Then, I better go back. It was nice-."

"She's sleeping like the dead. I've tried calling her and all she does is mumble until she falls back asleep. Come in, Jun Seo. You didn't think you could visit Ha Jin's house and not meet the family did you?"

Seung Won patted me on the back and when he saw real fear in my eyes, he let out a little snort that made me want to punch him.

After three hours, I had seen every photo of Go Ha Jin ever taken. From her kindergarten photos, to her 8th birthday, to her Master's ceremony from Seoul National University. I couldn't get enough. It was completely fascinating to me how she grew up. She played the flute. Yoon Young laughed and said the flute was a short lived musical ambition because Go Ha Jin used it to beat up bullies who were picking on her friends. Yoon Young made delicious tea and brought out steaming piles of food. As soon as one dish was empty, she would replace it with another. I sat, watching Seung Won and Nam Gil play Xbox while Yoon Young told me childhood stories about Go Ha Jin. Go Ha Jin was infamous for taking home stray animals, so much so that they starting calling her Noah as a nickname. I learned that she loved reading and she loved making tea the traditional way. I felt warm. The air in the Go house was so different than my own. There was no tension. There wasn't decades of unspoken resentment. And there were definitely no government conspiracies afoot. In Go Ha Jin's house, the most sinister thing I could imagine is a short-lived blackout. None of the furniture matched in her house, instead everything looked like home. I felt myself relaxing. Her family wasn't from my world and thank god for that.

This feeling of lightness that was always around Go Ha Jin, I finally understood where it came from. It was her family. It was her dear mother, who could not have been farther from Jin-Jeong. It was Nam Gil, who I could see as the little person that Go Ha Jin nurtured and cared for. My heart broke a little when I thought about Byeol growing up with Jung. Hae Su would have been an amazing mother, but she never had the chance. I looked at Seung Won and Nam Gil, and I kind of lost myself in the fantasy of having something like that with Ha Jin. Maybe a family. Maybe one day.

"Jun Seo, you can go now."

"What?"

Yoon Young handed me my jacket.

"That's the hundredth time you've glanced at the front door. Just go. Seung Won and I are going to play go and it gets intense for people who aren't playing."

I grinned at Yoon Young and bowed. I rushed home, tires burning the pavement, because Ha Jin was waiting for me. I was so tired of making her wait for me. When I got to the apartment, I saw her slight figure, wrapped in a blanket and snoring lightly on the couch. Her translucent ivory skin glowed in the dim light of my living room. I saw that her legs were bare. She was wearing my shirt and nothing else. I didn't want to wake her. I carry her off the couch and into bed, and wrapped myself around her. We finally both slept. After weeks of not sleeping, I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep with Ha Jin my arms.

The next morning, I woke up to Ha Jin gazing at me.

"Oh. You're awake."

"Seung Won is safe."

"Yes." I hesitated. "I met your family."

"I heard." She tucked the pillow under her chin. "Did you love them? Aren't they wonderful? Do you see why I'm so lovable now?"

"Aish, this one. Always so full of herself." I grinned back at her.

"I have to build myself up. You were a king remember? And I was just a court lady. Now you're important in the army, and I make makeup."

"Ha Jin. Weren't you the one that said that the higher one's station is in life, the more you should care about people below you?"

"What? I'm below you?"

"You can be."

She stuck out her tongue at me. I immediately took advantage of her open mouth and kissed her.

"Will you stay with me? Stay with me forever? I can't ever lose you. Not again."

"Ahjusshi. I'm hungry."

I beamed. Ha Jin reached up to push my hair off my forehead, it had gotten a little long in the month when I was on leave. Her little hands grasped behind my neck and she pulled me on top of her and she drew my mouth in, I breathed all in, Ha Jin. Everything that was soft, healing and familiar that was Ha Jin. I had never anything like this before. She made little noises in the back of her throat, which made me hard. My hands slipped under the shirt she wore and palmed her breasts. She paused and looked me in the eye.

"Stop it. You're still healing."

I groaned. Will this torture ever end?

 _**author note** YAH! We're finally on a romantic upswing! Thanks for all the reviews and comments. Really appreciate. The next chapter is pretty citrusy - here's a preview! Get me to those 30+ comments and I'll post right away! I'll be at my most smuttiest, but ALSO most romantic yet!_

CHAPTER 20 - KINTSUGI, WHERE THE GOLD BREAKS

"And you're sure you don't want to come over for breakfast?"

I had my phone on my shoulder while talking to Seung Won. I glanced at the kitchen table where Jun Seo was reading. My eyes drifted over his shoulders, where I could see the muscles bunching under his t-shirt. I steeled myself. I have to stop. Jun Seo was still healing from Somalia. Of course I wanted to jump his bones all the time, but it was more important for him to be totally recovered.

"Alright, don't come over. We'll see you later." I turned to Jun Seo. "That was Seung Won. How was your doctor's visit?"

"This is quite possibly the most boring way to spend your time I imagine."

"Why would it be boring?" I grinned at him and ruffled his hair, which had grown longer, I had enough to play with. He turned back to his book. I loved the way his eyes scanned the pages, his lips moved along whenever he particularly like a passage. I loved these little details about Jun Seo, and I couldn't resist his mouth. Leaning in, I pressed my mouth against his and explored like it was my right.

"What was that for?"

"Because I could do it."

I turned back to the boiling pot on the stove and cracked an egg carefully into the liquid, each shell a perfect half split along the diameter. I suppose my long years at the Damiwon were useful for something.

When I turned around again, Jun Seo put his book away and helped me carry the pot to the table. I grabbed the chopsticks and stirred the steaming pot. When I pulled out the first strands of the noodles, he stopped me, his hands firm but gentle on my wrist, and yanked me into his lap.

"Aren't you hungry? Don't you want to eat?" I laughed, squealing as his cold hands found the bare skin between my t-shirt and jogging pants. He held my hips firmly because I was squirming.

"Does this remind you Hubaekje?" Lips brushing against the nape of my neck.

"What happened there?"

His hardness nudge up against me, and I felt a flicker of my arousal deep in my belly. I was in trouble. Oh Jun Seo, when you're close like this, I don't know how to control myself.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	20. Kintsugi, Golden and Broken

CHAPTER 20 - KINTSUGI, WHERE THE GOLD BREAKS

"And you're sure you don't want to come over for breakfast?"

I had my phone on my shoulder while talking to Seung Won. I glanced at the kitchen table where Jun Seo was reading. My eyes drifted over his shoulders, where I could see the muscles bunching under his t-shirt. I steeled myself. I have to stop. Jun Seo was still healing from Somalia. Of course I wanted to jump his bones all the time, but it was more important for him to be totally recovered.

"Alright, don't come over. We'll see you later." I turned to Jun Seo. "That was Seung Won. How was your doctor's visit?"

"This is quite possibly the most boring way to spend your time I imagine."

"Why would it be boring?" I grinned at him and ruffled his hair, which had grown longer, I had enough to play with. He turned back to his book. I loved the way his eyes scanned the pages, his lips moved along whenever he particularly like a passage. I loved these little details about Jun Seo, and I couldn't resist his mouth. Leaning in, I pressed my mouth against his and explored like it was my right.

"What was that for?"

"Because I could do it."

I turned back to the boiling pot on the stove and cracked an egg carefully into the liquid, each shell a perfect half split along the diameter. I suppose my long years at the Damiwon were useful for something.

When I turned around again, Jun Seo put his book away and helped me carry the pot to the table. I grabbed the chopsticks and stirred the steaming pot. When I pulled out the first strands of the noodles, he stopped me, his hands firm but gentle on my wrist, and yanked me into his lap.

"Aren't you hungry? Don't you want to eat?" I laughed, squealing as his cold hands found the bare skin between my t-shirt and jogging pants. He held my hips firmly because I was squirming.

"Does this remind you Hubaekje?" Lips brushing against the nape of my neck.

"What happened there?"

His hardness nudge up against me, and I felt a flicker of my arousal deep in my belly. I was in trouble. Oh Jun Seo, when you're close like this, I don't know how to control myself.

"I got injured."

"Ye."

"And you healed me." He nipped an earlobe.

"Yes." I exhaled hard and ragged. When Jun Seo held me like this, I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of him, his breath red hot against my neck, the heady musk of him everywhere. He was gentle, running his fingers through my hair and he tugged a fistful.

He continued to kiss at the base of my neck, hands wandering from my waist to my stomach. My joggers were so loose that his hand easily slid behind my waistband and over my underwear. His finger floated from top of my mound to my pussy, but he didn't enter me. I grinded myself into his hand.

"Oh."

I heard myself. I sounded like such a wanton woman. I suddenly remembered, Jun Seo was still healing.

"Stop. You can't do this, Jun Seo. You'll get too excited."

My face was flushed, stinging red and the warmth in my belly fully ignited. I felt hot and slick everywhere and softer and wetter by the minute as he stroked me through my underwear. His hands trailing lambent over my skin, his fingerpads straying over my underwear. His voice was gruff.

"Ha Jin, you are very wet."

He jerked my underwear to one side and his fingers plunged into my soaked core. I let out a silent scream.

"You know what happens when you make me feel like a man taken care of."

I could only whimper when he moved two fingers in and out of my slit. My panties were already sodden. He lifted me up with one arm and shucked everything off. I sat, bare cheeked, on his lap as he teased me. My ass grinding along with the feeling of him pleasuring me. My god. I couldn't think. My mind was mush. He sucked at the skin at the nape of my neck, our bodies panting together like a furnace billow. I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster, like my blood couldn't keep up. The only sound in the room was my breath and the sound of my wetness being fully utilized.

I pressed myself deeper into his hand, his fingers seizing claim all over my tender delta. The back of my head rested against his shoulder. Arching my back, I reached around and held on to Jun Seo's neck as he lavished attention on my clit. Every brush of his finger tips against my bundle nerves made me feel like little fireworks were going off behind my eyes.

His fingers were tender, but the difference of his skin against mine was still as vital and charged as ever. A fraction of centimeter in movement sent my brain into a fuzzy heaven. Nuzzling against my face, Jun Seo caught my open mouth. I welcomed his tongue sliding into my mouth. He tasted male, metallic, and like a flavor I could remember from a thousand years ago. Wang So. My prince. He was still there in Jun Seo, in the little things. I had missed him so much, and to find it again in Jun Seo was incredible. I wonder if I was the same to him, a mixture of both old and new. I wanted more. I wanted so much more. I sucked hungrily at his tongue, my lips urgent against his, and my teeth nipping all over. Kissing Jun Seo made me feel delirious, I was on fire.

"Ha Jin, the doctor said yesterday that I'm ready to resume normal activity."

"Oh!" I yelped when I felt his finger dive with a different angle, deep inside me, curving up wards and tickling my g-spot. I wanted him so much. I ached for Jun Seo. We'd been separated for so long and my body remembered him, responding to him like a sunflower lifting its head with the sun.

He grinned I and I could only smile weakly back, his eyes scanning me as he pumped his fingers inside me. Suddenly, he stopped. He scooped me up in his arms and set me back down on the chair. I looked up at him quizzically and watched as he knelt in front of me.

"Ha Jin, I've wanted to make love to you for so long." His voice was tight. "Since I got back, I've wanted to do nothing except this." He held my gaze, his hands caressing the side of my calves, gliding up to my knees. He kissed the tops of my knees and his hands pried them apart. I sucked in a sharp breath.

"Take off your shirt." He commanded. I nodded, unable to talk. I yanked off my t-shirt and I lost sight of him for a second when the shirt covered my face. But already, I felt my nipples tightening.

"Hold onto the chair."

Who was I? Jun Seo's voice had me in a spell and I could only obey. I gripped my hand down on the edge of the chair and nervously at Jun Seo. He splayed me, so that my leg were like an open book, and pulled my hips forward, and hoist each leg over his shoulders so that they dangled across. His mouth was nestled between my thighs. Hot and wet, his tongue started at my inner thigh, relentlessly going towards my center. I started shivering, I wasn't prepared for what he would do next.

Jun Seo's mouth, oh god. His hot mouth descended on my pussy, his lips engulfed my clit, bringing with it the shock of pleasure that made my body feel like it was going through an orgasmic lighting storm. He starting at the top and working his way down. I thrashed in the seat, my hips grinding up and down on his face. I was already so sensitive from him fingering me, nevertheless, he persisted. Kissing my lower lips, he lapped at my core, already liquid and hot, coaxing out my clit. I blushed when I realized how I was so aroused by hearing the sound of our bodies meeting in lurid detail, the wet sounds were pornographic. Jun Seo reached up and firmly squeezed my right breasts, pinching my nipples, a static spark of instant pain and pleasure.

"Stop moving, Ha Jin, or I'll stop."

His eyes were steely focused and I whimpered an affirmation. Satisfied, he leaned down again and this time his tongue licked from the bottom to the top of my slit and ended with a forceful thrust against my clit.

"Ah! Ah!"

"You like being wet for me, Ha Jin?"

I nodded, too dazed by my lust to know how to answer. He chuckled and went back torturing my clit with his tongue. I was trembling so much, I thought I would fall off. Jun Seo. If you keep doing this, I'm going to pass out. He sucked my tender bud, the heat of his mouth against my privates making a hot pudding mess. He fluttered his tongue against me and spun his tongue around my little pearl.

"Please, please, please." Jun Seo sent me soaring, I closed my eyes and felt the train of my orgasm pulling into the station. My hands dug through his hair and my mouth fell open at the sight of him laying claim all over my cunt. The way he looked at me thrilled me. I felt the spasm deep within me starting, a wave of feelings and wetness came rushing forth. I felt lifted on a tide. I nearly passed out, crying out for Jun Seo over and over again.

When I clung to the chair, my arms quaking and I buckled, but he easily caught me. When I opened my eyes again, Jun Seo took off his shirt and jeans, and he stook naked and regal in front of me. His penis stood at attention, and I felt my mouth go dry. Jun Seo was as large as I remembered Wang So to be, and I remember how our love making would leave me feeling like a fruit peel, raw and scraped to the finish. He reached down to his cock and stroked himself, his eyes raking me from my face down to my still splayed thighs. His eyes glazed over as he pumped himself in his hands. My eyes drank him in like a greedy girl, hands wandering down to the stickiness between my thighs.

I hadn't see him naked in such a long time. It was such bullshit that people said women weren't aroused, they hadn't seen Jun Seo. I forgot how much looking at me made tingle with excitement everywhere. He was built so lean, but his shoulders were broad, leading to his slim waist, and narrow hips. His abs were perfect ladders up the front of his body, my fingers could climb each muscle to his wide chest. I felt bad for all the jajangmyeon I had been eating lately. The veins in the cuts by his hips pulsed. I stared as his cock. Standing up, I shakily got to my feet, my hands smoothing against his abdominal muscles up to his chest. I glanced down at his cock, thick with veins, pressing into my stomach. The muscle was so thick, round, and the firm bell head was engorged with blood.

"Do you want me?" He held my face, his eyes searching for my answer. I almost laughed. How did he not know how much I wanted him.

"Yes. More than anything."

Jun Seo used the back of his hands to graze against my breasts down to my hips. Arriving at my ass, he cupped each cheek with a firm squeeze. I had forgotten how we were. How his body fitted around me, how he felt hot like fire, but he was gentle like true love. How could I ever forget, the way that Wang So and I couldn't get enough of each other constantly after Hubaekjae.

Reaching up, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my nipples against his chest. He gripped me right below my ass and hitched me up to his hips. Walking us back over, we landed with our positions reversed, he sitting and me straddle his lap and facing him in the same chair that was now my favorite chair in the entire apartment.

"Jun Seo, I love you."

He answered me with silence, holding the back of my neck, he crushed his mouth against mine, sucking my air away. His tongue took over my mouth, it wasn't mine anymore, it was partially his. I was a breathless, heaving creature, clinging onto his shoulders. Traveling up and down my back, he gripped my hips tight, fingers at the perfect angle. He was intense and quiet when he shifted so that his cock was lined up at my entrance. I stared at how close it was to my pussy, the swollen head leaking precum. I pressed down on his shoulder, gripping the muscles there and gazed at his face.

"I want you so much." I chewed on my lower lips and I saw his eyes stray from my eyes to my mouth. He loved it when I bit my lip, something about it made Jun Seo's eyes dilate. I leaned down and kissed him deeply, my teeth coming together to bite his lower lip, my tongue darting into his mouth. When I lifted myself up and impaled my wetness onto his cock, Jun Seo groaned.

"Fuck. Ha Jin."

I lowered myself, little by little, bracing myself against the chair. Jun Seo's eyes widened in shock at our union. When I was finally fully seated on him, I used my thighs and bounced, sliding myself up and down.

"So hot. God, you're so wet. Ha Jin. What are you doing to me?"

He held onto me, capturing my nipple between his teeth. I yelped in pain. It was almost painful, but a sharp stab of pleasure was there too. His one hand gripped my ass to hold me steady, but the other wandered everywhere, coasting up to my neck.

"Ha Jin!" His voice was strangled when I increasing my speed around him. "I won't last very long."

"That's alright, darling." I felt wild, sweat collecting at my hairline and the base of my neck, the beads of salty liquid trailing between my breasts. Jun Seo saw and he immediately licked off my sweat, his mouth tracking hot along my neck, up to my jaw. I rode him like he was my racehorse. His eyes blinked slowly, like he was trying to memorize my face. If there were an explosion in the same apartment, I don't think we would have noticed. I screwed my eyes shut and tipped my head back, giving myself over. I didn't ever want to stop.

I felt myself being lifted up, I gripped tighter around Jun Seo's neck, yelping in surprise. My eyes snapped open, and I was looking over his shoulder. He was still inside me when he moved towards the bedroom. His hands firmly supporting my bottom, I gasped because he didn't stop pumping into me.

Once we were finally on his bed, Jun Seo set me down in the middle of the bed. When he landed on top of me, I sighed in relief, the weight of my man on me was something I missed more than sex, the solid weight of his body, the reassurance that he was real. He tried to move up, but I wrapped my arms tighter.

"Don't."

"Ha Jin, let me."

His mouth was incredible, trailing kisses from my belly button to my ribs, where I was ticklish. My spine arched and he followed my ribs to my breasts. Sucking on one nipple, he didn't play favorites and alternated back and forth until both were slippery and aching.

"Jun Seo. Oh god." I felt a hand make its way down to my pussy again. He abandoned his post at my tits. Instead, he pressed my knees back until I was bent in half, my pussy offered up to him like a pearl on oyster. Beads of sweat started collecting on my forehead. I don't know why I was so nervous. I clenched with anticipation. I watched the ripples of muscle across his shoulder when he settled against my womanhood.

"This is mine." He gave me a cocky grin before lowering his mouth. I knew why he looked that way, because as soon as his lips made contact with my clit, I nearly lost my mind. I let a long banshee scream because once Jun Seo's tongue started lapping at my little pearl, it was relentless. The strokes were easy and slow at first, but Jun Seo kept varying his rhythm until he found one that provoked the right reaction. I felt a new flood of wetness leak out of me. I got on my the back of my elbows and begged Jun Seo.

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted you to be ready." He grinned at me, and sat back. "I'm want to fuck you deeper and harder than before."

He rose up and pushed my legs far apart, almost into a split. I shuddered as he looked directly at the point when his cock pushed inside me again. I stared too. It felt so naked, to watch his thick cock pummeling my softness, the length of him disappearing deep inside me, I couldn't look away. I couldn't get enough, my hands kept reaching out to draw Jun Seo closer. His hot skin against me, we were both slick with sweat now. His body was the only thing I wanted to feel. I wanted him in me, all the time. His solid weight atop my body, I wanted to take him in, as deep as I could. I wanted his sweat to drop on me. I wanted him to drill into me so deep that I could see the stars of Goryeo. We made love so many times in Goryeo.

It was like he heard the rambling thought flying through my brain, because Jun Seo folded up my legs against his chest and drove into me a single time, as hard as his intentions.

"Oh God! Jun Seo!"

Did I see god? It certainly felt like it.

I felt him in the far reaches of my womb, oh god. He was so hard. So full. Hands like steel gripped my shoulders from below, he used my upper body as leverage so I couldn't move away from his deep thrusts. I was tucked in half, like an an obedient maiden, at the mercy of his cock. He drove into me over and over again. The ramming came hard and fast. I loosened my grap on his bicep, I was more liquid than solid. His head ducked down and he took a nipple in his mouth, sucking and nipping until I was sure I was going to be raw in the morning. There was no end to it. There was no end to us. He thrusted and I received. He was hard and I was softer and wetter than I had ever been in my life.

I whimpered every time I was filled with Jun Seo. I missed him so much. His breath becomes short. He hooked his knees outside my legs and drove himself deeper.

"Oh," I breathed, "that's the best."

"Oh God, Ha Jin." His voice was as tight as me. He was so hard.

"I've never forgotten you, Ha Jin. I remembered you every day of my life in Goryeo. I remembered you in Africa. In Azerbaijan. I've spent every lifetime trying to come back you."

I gasped. I threw my head back, like his words wounded me, but these words were like spun gold. I felt like I was dissolving into a shining mist.

"Jun Seo," I reached out and touched his face, where the scar used to be. He shuddered and pressed his head into my hand. His eyes were incredible. They saw me in a way no one had ever seen me before. He looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the universe, rarer than a red star. The softness there, the openness, the blazing focus that he always had when he looked at me.

I blinked and I saw Wang So. I blinked again and I saw Jun Seo.

He was all of those incarnations, but most of all he was my soldier and my prince. The organ inside my chest swelled, I felt like I would choke on the love I felt for him. I was loved. I was so loved.

"Jun Seo, my love." I held his face and kissed him, trying to make him understand how I would give myself to him as many lifetimes as I needed to. "My love. I will never leave you."

He had a lopsided smile on his face when I made my confession to him, but I saw the corner begin to tug down.

"I made so many mistakes before, Ha Jin. I lost you. I don't know what I will ever do if I lose you again."

"No, Jun Seo. I won't let you."

"Ha Jin. I want to spend my life with you."

He didn't wait for me to answer, instead his hips started moving again. I held on for dear life as he held the back of my knees to my chest as he pumped into me. My hands wandered to his ass and I felt the powerful muscles there, tight and sprung, powering his body into me. I clung to him. Jun Seo, my love, believe me when I say that I love you. Suddenly, I saw my death as clear as day. The sorrow of dying without seeing Wang So. The way Jung's eyes were impossibly sad when he held me as the musicians sang my last song. I remembered for the briefest moment before death the court musicians said Gwangjong had loved a court lady. That court lady was me and I never wanted to leave him. I wanted Wang So so much. I felt a stuffiness in my chest beginning to gather, I gazed up at Jun Seo. It was all so impossible, but here we were again.

The unbearable sadness of parting with Wang So and elation of being with Jun Seo filled my head and I felt myself falling apart. I felt the floodgates open and suddenly, my chest heaved erratically and I was crying. My tears wouldn't stop coming. I tasted the salt everywhere. These emotions felt like wild horses in a rainstorm, I couldn't stop them, they would drag me away.

"Ha Jin, baby. Are you okay?"

He was so tender with me. I smiled and reached up to stroke his cheek. I loved him so much. And we were as close as man and woman could be, but I still felt the thousand years between Jun Seo and me. The emptiness of being without him, I don't think I've ever truly accepted a life without him. Jun Seo had been through this in more life times than I did. I thought about him, living each life with the memory of me, wondering who I was, wishing that he could talk to me. The impossibility of that longing gutted me. I could only vaguely fathom the years that he cycled through in his reincarnations to find me again.

"I-I-I just know that I can't ever be apart from you again." I managed to get out. His thumb wiped away my tears.

I came three times and by the end, I begged Jun Seo for mercy because I felt so raw. I was like a mango skin scraped to the the last bit, completely limp. I felt like I had no bones, well except for Jun Seo's obvious one. He laid alongside me, my back to his chest, his fingers leisurely tracing my body. Dragging his fingertips lightly, like they were the explorers of a geography they already knew, but were more than happy to be more than tourists this time around. His hands were still rough from the jungle, skin hardened and shaped by things I couldn't imagine. He ran so hot. His skin burning against mine and his rough thumb grasped my hips and drew me close again.

"Ha Jin."

"Mmm." My eyes were closed as he wrapped his arms around me and twisted my nipples. Arching my back, I could feel my ass graze against his erection again, it laid neat and heavy against the cleft of my butt. His left arm was trapped under my rib cage but his right arm was free to wander. And it did. Insistent and curious, his right hand smoothed down my belly down to where my legs joined. I was trapped. His left hand bound me against his chest and his right curled around my pussy. I felt one finger dip inside me, stroking lightly and moving my fluids all over my vulva.

"Aiiishhh." I hissed in excitement. I was still sore from our last round and my privates still felt like hot sticky pudding, but my body sprung to attention again. We could both hear how wet I was by the way his fingers slipped in and out of me. Lifting my leg, his cock stroked along where I was the wettest. I whined.

"Please. Please."

He replaced his fingers with his hard cock, plunging deep into me again. I got onto my belly and Jun Seo followed. He held my hips and I got on all fours. I looked back at him, watching how he lined up his hips with my ass, using his the tip of his cock to trace the outside of my pussy. I grabbed the pillow and bit it, making a muffled scream. I could feel my pussy pulsing already, anticipating his entrance. Jun Seo crawled up to where I was, and filled me again, and my back arched up. From the back, he was so much fuller. I cried out. His hands on my hips like a vice, slamming his cock into my pussy, faster and faster.

"Ha Jin, I'm gonna come."

I nodded. He let go of my hips and came forward, wrapping his hands over mine. He hooked his face over my shoulders so that we were cheek to cheek. his face was next to mine, meeting my mouth, and when I whispered to him, "Come for me." He lost it. His hips jerked wildly against my ass and I felt the hot liquid spill all over me. I clenched around him. I felt my knees buckle and I collapsed on to the bed, Jun Seo with me. He spooned me, hands on my belly, stroking softly.

"When I was away, did you think about me, Ha Jin?" He whispered to the shell of my ear.

"So much, I thought about you every night." I turned around and kissed him again. When I opened my eyes opened again, I remembered something I wanted to give him.

"Stay here." I grinned as he shook his head adamantly. "I'll be right back."

I padded to the kitchen, I'm sure my hair was a bird's nest, but Jun Seo didn't care. He said he liked the way I looked after sex. In the back of one cabinet, I found what I was looking for and I held the precious thing in my hand.

"What's this?" He said, taking the cup in his hand and turning it over carefully.

I traced the cracks in the ceramic, bound by gold, and it reminded me of the scar that was on Wang So's face. The dull glaze of the porcelain still shone against the brilliant gold.

"I know we were broken. But your love, through those hundreds of lifetimes, mended us. We're like this now, stronger and even more beautiful than ever. We are not the same Jun Seo, but we're better than before." I smiled down at him.

He sighed, one great sigh that sounded like he had been underwater for years.

"Ha Jin. I was not me until we met."

He kissed me again and again and again.

 _**Author's note: Drop me a line, would love to know what you think! All questions and comments are welcomed. Here's exactly what Kintsugi means:  
watch?v=lT55_u8URU0_


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